Carta Visa Chapter 29

Bold: The characters are speaking in English.

Over the course of our dinner, I was slightly disturbed at the hottie’s mood because I could see clearly that after the battle of seizing rabbit legs, he had gone completely quiet, not speaking a single word to me. Although he did not have a grimace on his face, something still felt unusual. But since I was someone who did not overthink things much, upon eating to my heart's content, I moved my round stomach back to the extravagant library, not bringing that heavy atmosphere along to ruin my mood.

I took a big liking to this library. In actual fact, the guest rooms outside were unoccupied now, but being too lazy to move, I therefore settled down, eating and sleeping in this very library. It was s.p.a.cious and extravagant, to add, there were countless books for me to read–to which the hottie and Viktar did not oppose me from doing so.

As a thought flashed into my mind, I wondered why Alexey didn’t just move his living quarters closer to me rather than having to walk back and forth, it felt like I was being treated as a regular guest. However, upon reflection, he probably wanted time to himself as well, not wanting to be constantly bugged by me.

This presupposition was likely correct because upon finis.h.i.+ng dinner, Alexey returned to his private quarters, holing himself inside until nearly midnight. I tried calling him once but it turns out, the guy had absolutely no intention of picking up the phone. I could only contemplate aimlessly about what he was doing inside. It was an hour later when I realized that I had things that I needed to get done as well–to write and send another column to P’Chit. Thus, I quickly turned my attention back to my own work.

I returned to the sofa which had been modified into a bed, only noticing now that there was an unfamiliar book lying beside my pillow. The contents inside were in German (I reckoned so anyway) and comprised with plenty of photographs. Briefly scanning through a few chapters, I suspected it was a manual for taking photos out of an aircraft.

…Wait, but why was this book lying beside my pillow?

…Did someone leave it here? Was it Alexey? And since when? Is this what he actually meant when he told me to get ready?

Flipping the pages until I reached the middle of the book, my eyes tripped over a paper note that was the size of a hand and someone's adorable round English handwriting.

‘This book helped me a lot, its a fantastic manual.

I tried following the instructions… and it turned out great, it's amazing.

Thank you so much.’

The writer did not sign their name, instead, they signed it with a small doodle of a smiling squinty-eyed kitty.

I kept my suspicions inside until I reached the final page, finding the hottie’s neat and orderly handwriting which inscribed a date. I hazarded a guess that this book probably belonged to the hottie but was lent out to someone else. Furthermore, according to the doodle of the smiling kitty, the borrower had been very pleased with it.

How come I didn’t see this book when I woke up this morning…?

Eh? Or was I not paying attention…? I recalled that when I got up to brush my teeth, I had heard the sound of something landing on the carpet but chose to ignore it.

A cold sensation ran down my body, from my forehead, past my throat.

“Did he leave it here this morning?”

I could merely mutter to myself. Turning back to the book and reading it properly, I discovered that this manual was actually written in two languages, German and English, half and half on each page. Even the explanation for each photograph was in two languages. Moreover, the instructions weren’t difficult at all. An idiot like me, even if I couldn't read a single word, could follow along no problem. It was in this day that I learnt the basics about taking photographs out of an aircraft. I quickly grabbed the phone and dialed the hottie’s room once more, hastily apologizing and asking for forgiveness for neglecting the book he had so meaningfully left for me to study. However, not even finished speaking yet, a sigh interrupted me.

“Will apologizing fix the events that have already happened?”

I was stunned… heart nearly going into cardiac arrest.

“But I regret it. In any case, please give me another chance… I’ll try better…. I’ll…”

“Listen up.” The other end of the line cleared his throat, voice frigid. “Chances are akin to time… once it pa.s.ses, it's gone. Think of today as a lesson and cram it properly into that thick skull of yours… only idiots choose not to prepare themselves for what's coming…”

“I…” -didn't know how to respond since tears had started to well up from my eyes, turning everything in my sight blurry. “I didn’t know… I didn’t mean to make you angry… I just…”

“Shut up and stop making excuses. Don’t make me have to admit that everything I’ve done has been a waste of time…” The frigid voice sliced at my heart, blood seeping ever so slightly.

The call was disconnected…

I tried to prevent the disappointment from trickling down my cheeks, feeling ashamed and remorseful.

In the end, I had disappointed him again… Nonetheless, couldn’t he have said it in a nicer way!?

Be more tactful of other people’s feelings! Think about my feelings too!

You heartless person!

Just then, by chance, Skype notified me that editor Lookchid had come online. As such, I took this opportunity to turn on the webcam and pour out my feelings without pause for a total of fifteen minutes. Upon saying ‘okay… I’m done having a tantrum, thank you for listening’, P’Chid blinked several times before concluding with an ‘okay… I’m heading to bed too, let’s discuss this matter again some other day.’

Thirty minutes later… I received a short email from P’Chid, speaking as my friend, my brother and my boss.

Petch,

I think I understand your situation well, well enough or even better than how you understand it. I won’t say how lovers should treat each other…  or how much or little you should be expecting… should we speak nicely so as to be considerate of each other’s feelings? Lie in order to make the person listening feel better? These are things you need to consider yourself because this isn’t something an outsider can decide.

As someone who has survived the lowest point, I have to agree with that hottie (you shouldn’t refer to him like this) that everyday is a chance that arrives only once. If you don’t make the best of it… it will never come back. Therefore, I hope you will use your remaining time as best as you can, better than the day before. Do things where upon looking back at it, there won’t be any days that fill you with regret.

As your boss, let me say that this correctional school you're attending is fantastic, it honestly makes me want to send Pun there as well.

Best wishes,

P’Lookchid.

Even harsher than being struck repeatedly in the heart by a wooden mallet, the stinging pain verified to me that: I… was still the same old loser who has never tried to improve myself.

I thought of Pa’s scolding words trailing behind me before I left Bangkok.

I thought of P’Chid’s reprimanding eyes and remarks at times when I submitted him substandard work.

I thought of Alexey’s cold eyes and weary voice.

Everything I’ve done… looking back at it, they were all full of shame and regrets.

I waited until half past one… but Alexey did not come to see me like usual. Furthermore, I wasn’t brave enough to knock on the door to his room…

By now, he had probably realized…. that even spending a few meagre seconds on me was also a complete waste of time.

Skype notified me again that P’Pun was online. Despite curious as to why he was online so late at night, I quickly wiped away my tears. At least, I didn’t want this person seeing me drown in tears. However, upon accepting the call, the face which appeared turned out to be Sasha’s beaming face instead.

“Oh, Mr Petch. It’s very nice to see you.”

The account was P’Pun’s, so how come Sasha’s face appeared in the webcam? Were my eyes misty from tears?

“Oh dear! What’s going on? You’re crying?”

I quickly wiped away my fresh tears again… “No, I’m not crying, why would I be crying?”

“Mr. Petch, what happened?”

I shook my head vigorously. “Where’s P’Pun?”

“Not here.”

“Oh.”

Sasha revealed his guess that P’Pun had probably saved his Skype account by mistake in this device. If I wanted to talk to P’Pun however, Sasha was glad to log out and call P’Pun for me. But not knowing why, I prevented him from doing so.

“Your face looks really awful Mr. Petch, would you like to tell me about it…?”

Sasha’s eyes were still as gentle as ever, despite being hundreds of miles away.

“Did he hurt your feelings?”

I nodded silently… not intent on explaining… however, unprepared, two troublesome teardrops rolled down my cheeks again. I quickly wiped them away and ran off to wash my face in embarra.s.sment, returning with a nonchalant expression… that certainly did not conceal my gloominess.

We both stared at each other in silence. I saw Sasha disappear off the screen, thinking he was about to go offline, however, he eventually returned with a mug of milk wafting white steam and a tender smile… like always.

“Okay, you don’t have to explain. But if I had to guess, you probably did something that was not up to par with his towering high expectations. You feel bad, while he feels disappointed and makes a face like… just hurry up and go die.”

…As expected, they were friends after all.

“If not this, then you find it suffocating that he’s forcibly making you do this and that, changing you to become this and that despite never having asked for it. As a result, you want to run away from this type of situation."

Well… kind of, but not to that extent yet.

“Let’s just say, if you’re in the first situation… I'll tell you straight up that Alexey’s expectations are at a level of perfection that’s difficult for the average person to achieve. It’s a component of his life… how do I put it… he applies it to everything. I think you should to try to understand him a little, this won't be too difficult to do I hope, because someone who lives a flawless and fully equipped life like him… doesn’t understand someone like you, Mr. Petch.

This final sentence felt like getting smacked in the face with a wooden plank… he has never understood me?

“Is that so?” This was the best reply I could muster.

“But what you need know is that he never expects perfection from you.”

“This is considered not expecting perfection?”

“Perfection is the goal, the things you do are the steps… he is simply trying to help you polish your steps, getting you as close to ‘perfection’ as possible. Mr. Petch… he is merely fulfilling the promise he made you long ago… in his own way.”

Hm? What did Sasha say? What again? Who made a promise to who? Who asked who?

“I don’t understand.” I admitted cluelessly. “I never asked anything from Alexey.”

Sasha furrowed his brows and let out a sigh, ma.s.saging his temples as if concerned.

“Okay… let me explain in even more simpler terms. You see, his ‘just hurry up and go die’ expression is his default resting expression, that's because people’s lives don’t typically mean much to him, you don't need to overthink it. But if he's trying to teach you something… you need to take his words to heart. No need to feel horrible or stressed, just Do Your Best and he will be satisfied. Is this easier to understand now?”

Hey, don’t just switch topics…

“I’m not clear about earlier, who asked what from who?” This matter was starting to bug me.

“If you’ve forgotten then never mind, think of me as not having said anything.”

Sasha logged out suddenly, leaving me perplexed on the Skype screen all by myself. However, to satisfy my curiosity I therefore dialed Alexey’s room again, forgetting that it was already past two in the morning.

The person who picked up turned out to be Viktar. He informed me that Alexey had gone to bed already and to leave a message with him if needed. I glanced at the computer screen and saw that I had received an email from Alexey, annoyed all of sudden that the dot dot guy had lied with a straight face (but that guy's straight face is his default expression though isn't it?)

‘Your model is Ethan E. Wittenburg.

48 hrs. to know him and to know the desert.

You might be his hope, or his dead end.

He might be your future, or nightmare.

I believe you have learnt what one last chance means.

Alexey.’

I quickly typed the name into Google and the search engine produced thousands of pictures which caused me to wince, a sharp pain shooting through my heart.

The result of the search was the owner of a gorgeous set of blue eyes which shone brilliantly at every sight it made contact with… The past brand amba.s.sador of leading brands such as Burberry and Tom Ford… It was this captivating charm which once appeared on the cover of the fas.h.i.+on magazine Vogue like a brightly lit star. A model that anyone, or any photographer for that matter, would kill to admire these profound stunning eyes up close. And it was this perfection… that used to be by Alexander Nazarbayev’s side, an impeccable match made in heaven.

Why did it have to be Ethan…

Didn’t he claim that they used to be friends? What about now…?

I decided to click into Ethan's fan club website… there were numerous photos but no news for over eighteen months already. As for the message board, a few fans had come to discuss the probability of his return… some cited a few magazine t.i.tles but no one could verify whether these rumors were true or not.

As a photographer, it was necessary to get acquainted with the person who would become my model to some extent, be it at a surface level through word of mouth or more attentively through scouring for past interviews. However, getting acquainted with Ethan proved to be more difficult than I thought. Furthermore, nothing ensured that he would give me his cooperation…

Some fans claimed that Ethan was arrogant and greedy. However, another claimed it was because he highly valued his private life. Some also claimed that Ethan was being controlled by Eisbär, his personal photographer. A photo posted on the message board caused my heart to drop to the floor… unsure of whether I was happy or not that the person beside Ethan wasn’t Alexey, but my dearest and most admired Mr. Yeti instead.

The mystery which had been lingering in my heart for quite some time finally unfurled itself…

Ethan and Eisbär are lovers, Ethan had nothing to do with Alexey…

As Ethan’s personal photographer, Mr. Yeti was actually nameless. It was the fans who gave him the sobriquet ‘Eisbär’, meaning Polar Bear. However, some people argued that the name Eisbär was actually too nice. Rather, they should call him short-tempered grizzly bear instead.

The more I searched for information about Ethan, the more I sunk deeper into a pitch black underground tunnel. Ethan was always never far from Eisbär’s sight. Furthermore, Eisbär never photographed anyone other than Ethan. The more they collaborated, the more their reputation skyrocketed. Although there were rumours of the two being lovers, this did not impede their rise to fame. While Ethan stood in the limelight, Eisbär kept quietly to himself without exception. Until something occurred. All of a sudden, Eisbär vanished from Ethan’s side, never to return. The limelight which was always s.h.i.+ning brightly also extinguished… likewise never to return to Ethan.

There was likely a reason behind it, and it was probably what resulted in the ‘death’ Eisbär like Alexey had mentioned.

Feelings of distress flooded my chest… Furthermore, why was it Alexey who's now trying to push Ethan back in front of the camera? This man never does anything without a goal in mind…

‘You might be his hope, or his dead end.

He might be your future, or nightmare.’

Let me hazard a guess. Alexey and Eisbär are working together, scheming some sort of evil plan that would be somewhat positive towards me, but negative towards Ethan E. Wittenburg.

I might benefit…

While Ethan… might either stand to gain or lose…

I thought back to the first day I stepped onto Kazakhstan soil… the day of the wedding ceremony where the two of them chatted intimately with one another. The hands and arms resting on each others bodies indicated that… the two were very close, so close that I felt like I had turned into thin air. If Alexey was actually acting out a political drama to lure Ethan into a trap, then I’d like to give him a hand of applause and immediately award him a golden Oscar statuette. But if both Alexey and Ethan were wearing masks in front of each other, behind the scenes readying their respective guns… I'd be the one caught in the crossfire.

The sound of footsteps could be heard from behind me. It happened to be Viktar. I switched back to normal demeanor. “You haven’t gone to sleep yet?”

“…” Viktar didn't answer but strode directly towards me, peering over to see what I was looking at before saying curtly. “Websites dealing in gossip and rumours might be more helpful in getting you acquainted with him.”

“I think I’ve read enough gossip from his fan club message board.”

“Gossip is always true.”

When these words slipped out of Viktar’s mouth… could it be true? I was beginning to worry.

…

The afternoon of the following day, we returned to Astana together. After several hours at the mercy of the physically and mentally intense car ride, Alexey said succinctly that he was returning to Bangkok.

“Hah?” I was taken aback. Hey, you’re thinking to leave me here with Ethan!? And if Ethan can’t speak Thai then who’s going to help me?

The hottie did not leave any room for me to protest. “I need to go receive the kids.”

What kids…? p.u.b.escent university kids on the cusp of turning eighteen or what?

Upon confronted by his intimidating gaze, I told myself how lucky I was that I didn’t let my thoughts slip out of my mouth.

The car turned into the special entrance of Astana Airport as the airport authorities hurriedly rushed over to open the door and bow reverently.

He looked back to meet my eyes and reiterated. “Keep it in mind. Do your best for one last chance.”

He turned and stepped down from the car, not turning back to look again.

I swallowed my saliva stiffly and to much difficulty…

No one needed to tell me, because I knew…that this was my last chance to seize my dream.

And my last chance to walk on the same path… as his lover.

The thought of this pained me greatly, and I didn’t want to admit that it was because of the immense feelings I had towards Alexey.

Happy news years everyone (*´▽`*)