I Shouldn't Be Telling You This Part 6

Just don't share all your secrets. Those people may compete against you one day!

Rule #4: Give feedback regularly. If it's criticism, say it calmly, but don't sugarcoat it either. n.o.body learns from that. On the flip side, praise a job well done. Some bosses operate under the premise that too much praise will turn you into a larda.s.s, and yet I've always found that the right kind of praise (authentic and for accomplishments that really matter) is incredibly motivating. Say it in person, but it's also great to sometimes put it into writing, too-not just in e-mails but also handwritten on nice stationery. Trust me, people will save those notes. And if good work deserves praise, fabulous work deserves a reward: a bonus, a perk, dinner out, a chance to handle a great new project.

Rule #5: Listen. Not just to your direct reports but to those on the front lines and new staffers with a fresh point of view. Part of listening is going deeper with good questions about the topic at hand. It's not only intoxicating and gratifying for an employee when you, as a boss, listen to him or her; it also helps to ensure that you will learn worthwhile information and behind-the-scenes dirt-about how a project is really going, a new approach to doing business, emerging trends you should be aware of, little problems in the workplace, big problems in the workplace, a troublesome staffer, as well as rumors about the company and coworkers.

And don't just listen at your desk. Years ago I heard someone say that smart guys who ran manufacturing companies knew that it was key to "walk the factory floor." Not only do you increase your visibility when you pop in on people, but when you ask them questions, they aren't tied to a prepared script.

By the way, being a good listener also helps you build the kind of inner circle every boss needs to really go big with a mission. When people know they're heard, it helps inspire a fierce devotion.

Unfortunately, the people capable of offering helpful insight aren't necessarily going to come right out and volunteer it, despite how inclusive you may be as a boss. They may believe you don't really need to know certain details or you'll get miffed if they b.u.t.t in. So when something's on the table, ask for their opinion. Say things such as "What do you think?" or What's your gut telling you on this one?" Or "If it were up to you, would you go with A or B?" And under no circ.u.mstances dis their reply. Even if you disagree, say something like "Interesting" or "I hadn't thought of that." And most important, leave your ego at the door and actually consider what they say, even if it's contrary to your initial instinct.

That said, you don't want to make choices by committee or give everyone a vote. Learn what your staffers know, and then you make the decision.

And when a staff member does contribute a powerful idea that you decide to run with, share credit. Let your boss know who on your team has contributed big ideas or important tactics. This doesn't take away from you. And your subordinates will begin to learn that you promote them this way. Some of your staff are aiming for greatness, and they want you to help them get there.

Rule #6: Encourage people to present you with solutions, not just problems. When they come running in all crazed and saying stuff such as "No one's calling me back" or "They just shut down the whole thing" or "Mandy is blowing a gasket and threatening to quit," tell them to figure out how to fix the situation and then come back and present the plan to you.

Rule #7: Eschew the too-big idea meeting. In addition to running regular catch-up meetings like the one I described previously, you will probably need to sometimes have idea meetings, too, or in-depth catch-up meetings.

Please keep those meetings on the small side. I don't think I've ever been in a brainstorming or strategy meeting of over five or six people that I could say was productive. When meetings are bigger than that, people tend to become tongue-tied-maybe they're afraid of speaking up in front of that many people-and as you stare at their slack-jawed expressions, you will find it harder and harder to articulate what you need from them. Small groups produce far more energy and creativity. If you have more than six people whom you need to hear from, schedule meetings with a few at a time.

Rule #8: Change your mind sometimes. People hate indecisiveness in bosses, but even more they're aggravated by bosses who frequently make a decision and then change their mind. That kind of flip-flopping makes you look weak, plus people have busted their b.u.t.ts implementing your first decision. If you find you are constantly rethinking things, sit down alone with a cup of coffee on a weekend morning and review how many of your rethought decisions have turned out to be right. If it's most of them, try to figure out what prevented you from making the right choice initially. Did you not have enough information? Were you afraid to trust your gut? Did you listen to the wrong person? Then figure out how to make sure such things don't get in the way in the future.

That said, I think it's good to change your mind sometimes. It keeps people on their toes when you are a little unpredictable and prevents them from being complacent. I remember once changing my mind twice on how a fas.h.i.+on story should be written and I could tell the copywriter had her panties in a twist about it. But it was a good thing.

Rule #9: Expect total and complete discretion. As far as your subordinates are concerned, working for you should be on the same level as being a member of the Pitt-Jolie household staff-everything is confidential. Let them know up front that this is what you demand, not after someone has gossiped and it's gotten back to you.

Rule #10: Nip bad behavior in the bud (sometimes I wish it were "b.u.t.t"). There is a law of what I call "work physics" that you absolutely must know: the bad behavior of people who work for you never, ever goes away on its own. In fact, if it is left unattended, it will most likely get even worse. By bad behavior, I don't mean poor job performance (I will tackle that in a minute). I mean naughty stuff such as eye rolling in meetings, muttering under one's breath, showing up late, playing hooky, visiting www.prisonpenpals.com during office hours, talking too long on personal calls, bad-mouthing other employees, and so on. Sooner or later people who work for you will do c.r.a.p like this because they get frustrated or bored or are jerks to begin with.

Now, when you are first a boss, you may be tempted to let this conduct go unnoted initially because it's awkward to bring it up and you may not even be a hundred percent certain that the muttering or eye rolling actually happened (betcha it did, though!). But if you don't address this behavior, it will happen again, trust me (this falls under the heading "If you give someone an inch, they will take a mile").

So here's what you need to do the very first time naughtiness occurs: ask the person to step someplace private with you and tell him you never want to see that kind of behavior again. If he denies doing it ("I wasn't rolling my eyes"), say, "Good, because that kind of action is totally unacceptable."

What if someone just isn't doing her job well? She's lazy or unfocused, for instance. You may feel the urge to wring the person's neck or chew her out, but I've found those strategies, though momentarily satisfying, do not produce effective long-term results. In fact, when you really take someone to task, she often ends up panicking, perhaps not having ever realized how badly she was perceived. Her performance starts to spiral downward, getting worse rather than better.

Better, I think, is to call the person in, calmly state your concerns, and ask her how she thinks she can best address the issues. By involving her in the process, you give her more of a sense of control.

Rule #11: Never let a staffer tell you something while he or she is sitting down and you are standing up. There's a type of bad behavior that can occur when you are a new boss and someone who works for you resents your hiring or promotion or if you're younger than someone reporting to you: the person may challenge your authority and even try to undermine it. If this occurs, you will probably be stunned initially. You will wonder how someone can have the b.a.l.l.s to act that way to a superior. Well, the rage they feel over the fact that you are their boss has rendered them stupid.

It happened to me when I was given the job of running Family Weekly while the publisher searched for an editor in chief. A woman on the staff, who was now reporting to me, suddenly turned very bratty. One day when I was dropping off a file in her office, she asked me to close the door. Dutifully-and idiotically-I did so. As I stood in front of her desk-where she was seated, by the way-she told me that she had the publisher wrapped around her finger and could make things easier for me. I muttered something like "Of course I need everyone's support" and left.

As soon as I got back to my office-and rea.s.sured myself that no, I wasn't in a 1940s movie starring Joan Crawford or Barbara Stanwyck-I realized how dumb I'd been. I'd let her act if she were the one calling the shots. And it had been made worse by the fact that she had been sitting at her desk (in the power position) and I'd been standing in front of it (in the supplicant position).

When you're first establis.h.i.+ng your authority (you won't need to worry so much about stuff like this when you're firmly in charge), be careful about ending up with the wrong feng shui for a boss. Don't allow yourself to be cornered or placed in an awkward seating or standing situation. The moment the woman told me to shut the door, I should have told her, "If you have something you want to discuss with me privately, you need to set up a time to do it. Call me later when I have my calendar in front of me." And then I should have had the discussion in my office. If she'd still had the nerve to make her little comment, I should have said, "All I need from you right now is to focus on doing your job and doing it well. You shouldn't be spending time on inappropriate things, like trying to wrap someone around your finger."

One successful woman I know believes that, with resentful employees, it helps to put things on the table. You can say something such as "You seem to have an issue with me. Let's talk about it."

It would be nice if those with a big chip on their shoulder eventually sweetened up. But over the years, I've found that people who feel totally wronged by someone else's hire rarely get over it. Your best bet is to eliminate them from your staff as soon as possible.

Rule #12: Hire pa.s.sionate people whose strengths compensate for some of your weaknesses-and who won't just tell you what you want to hear. One of the worst bosses I had, an editor at a woman's magazine, hated it when you didn't agree with her. Not long after I started, we were doing a one-page story on improving your public speaking skills and the art department had picked a photo of a woman wearing a dress so short you could practically see the crack in her a.s.s. I suggested to my boss that we use another shot. But my boss allowed the photo to run, in part, I think, because she'd hated being contradicted. After that I learned to keep my mouth shut. That woman, I came to see, was surrounded by yes people, and that is partly why she failed in the end.

Second opinions are so often worth hearing. They can wake you up and make you aware of new trends and insights, which in the end leads to better decision making. So hire smart people with minds of their own and fire in their bellies. Yes, they must endorse your mission, but let them talk, let them run with projects. (How do you find these people? When you interview job candidates, ask them to describe something they're pa.s.sionate about and times when they've taken risks.) If one of your star players seems to run out of steam or lose his way after being there a while, don't just decide that it's over. Give him a brand-new project to do-it may help him get his mojo back.

Rule #13: Make people ask (even beg a little) for their promotions. I absolutely love promoting from within. When I arrived at Cosmo, I discovered that most editorial a.s.sistants in the articles area eventually left the magazine after a couple of years because there were no positions for them to be promoted into. I created two a.s.sociate editor positions to solve that problem, and over time we promoted many a.s.sistants into those jobs and then even into senior editor and deputy editor positions. But here's what became clear over time: if we waited for someone to come to us and ask for the job before promoting her-rather than simply announcing to her that she was getting it-things turned out better. The new editor would be more likely to feel that she owned the job, and work hard at it. For some idiotic reason, I occasionally did not follow my own advice and almost always regretted it.

Rule #14: Never underestimate the power of giving someone a t.i.tle. Yes, people want raises-good raises-and they want promotions, too. But sometimes neither is yours to bestow at a given moment, so upgrade the person's t.i.tle. Trendera CEO Jane Buckingham says that early on in her business, when she couldn't afford to hire extra people, she recruited interns and gave them fancy t.i.tles. "I let an intern put 'trend specialist' on her business card, for instance," she says. "And there's a bonus that comes with this. So often people totally take off in the role. They rise to their t.i.tles."

Rule #15: Fire intelligently. Sometimes you have to let people go for economic reasons. Maybe times are tough, or it could simply be that your company is restructuring. Regardless, there's nothing you can do about it (except to offer whatever support and job leads you can).

But as a boss you'll also have to fire people for cause sometimes-because they're not capable of doing their jobs or doing them the right way. This gets a bit trickier. It's not always black and white, and no one is giving you a deadline. I've had to do my fair share of this kind of firing, as well as guide people on my staff as they terminated people under them. And as you might imagine, it's an easy process to mess up. The two most common mistakes I see people making-and I've made them myself-are firing too quickly and not firing quickly enough. This sounds contradictory, but let me explain.

Sometimes people fail at their jobs not because they are incompetent or lazy but because they don't know what they're supposed to be doing or perhaps have been miscast. Before you let someone go, it's important to ask yourself if you have been absolutely clear about your expectations with this person and what he is doing wrong. (If you do feel someone's performance is suffering and that it may lead to termination, be sure to contact HR to determine the steps you should be taking.) Also, could there be something getting in the way of this person's performance that you could possibly fix? I once had a high-level employee whom I thought I was going to have to fire. She was very capable in some areas, but there were critical aspects of her job that she didn't do very well. But after thinking about it for a while, I s.h.i.+fted her job so that it involved doing mostly what she was good at and gave someone else the other responsibilities.

But once you are sure that you've been clear with your subordinate and she can't pull it off, act swiftly. You are torturing yourself, the rest of your staff, and even the subordinate by dragging out the situation.

Rule #16: Have fun, be easy. From the start at Cosmo, I tried in little ways to encourage a sense of fun and ease. I let people know that they could always bring their kids in if the babysitter failed to show. I also started organizing salons for the staff every six weeks with guest speakers-authors and experts of various kinds. Animal Planet star Dave Salmoni did two salons, one with a tiger and another with a cougar.

Rule #17: That said, be sure there's an invisible line drawn between you and your subordinates. You can be friendly without being a friend. If you cross that line, it opens a door for employees to take advantage in little ways, and it can be hard to play boss when situations require it.

Rule #18: Be a bit of a mystery. Don't share important details about your personal life. Don't always say where you're going. You don't want to be so mysterious that people start gossiping that you're having an affair, but intriguing bosses are just more interesting to work for.

Rule #19: Last but not least, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A b.i.t.c.h. I think women who make people feel like stripped cars are either narcissistic or pathetic at handling stress, so they take it out on others. Despite what you may have been led to believe, being nice and fair will not undermine your success; in fact, I think being a nice, fair boss rather than a raging b.i.t.c.h will bring out the best in the people who work for you, thus improving your chances of achieving great success.

{ Arrive at Work Before Everybody Else }.

I'm sure there are plenty of successful women who don't arrive at work early, but my unscientific opinion is that you significantly increase your chances of success if you do. "Early" generally refers to early in the morning, but what I'm really talking about is at least an hour ahead of most everybody else-whenever that is.

You will discover very quickly that this strategy gives you a fantastic edge. By the time everyone else hauls b.u.t.t through the door, you will have answered your e-mails, gone through the dregs of your in-box, written up your daily to-do list, and ticked off at least a few items on it. You will be firmly in charge of your day rather than at its mercy. You'll avoid that awful gotta-catch-up feeling that arriving later tends to cause or, even worse, the sense that the day is getting away from you.

Besides, though they may never admit it, many bosses have a weird thing about the time people arrive for work. They secretly want you to show up early. It suggests to them that you're really committed to your job.

I came to this wonderful success strategy fairly late in the game. In my twenties I was an incorrigible night owl and rarely rolled into work before at least nine thirty (but never, I swear, in the same outfit I'd worn the day before). In my early forties I had to drop my kids off at school, preventing a well-timed arrival. But once my kids were older-and I saw my workload expanding like a Chia Pet-I decided to head in to the office before eight each day. And wow, what a huge difference it made. I wished I'd discovered the benefits years before.

If in your case arriving early at work means that you will have to wake up at some unG.o.dly hour, please resist the urge to b.i.t.c.h-slap me because of this strategy. Instead, buy one of those wonderful alarm clocks that gently pings you awake instead of emitting a horrific blaring noise. That's what I did. It makes waking up early almost tolerable!

{ Beware of Sudden Promotion Syndrome }.

From the moment C. arrived at Cosmo as a writer and editor, I was superimpressed by her skills. Her writing was not only very accomplished for someone her age, but it was also really witty and perfectly on the mark for Cosmo readers. I still remember one of the lines she wrote, and it makes me smile even now: "Granny panties are what you wear on the days that your b.u.t.t needs a hug." When a senior editor position became available, we decided to give it to C. even without her asking. To our annoyance, once C. learned about her promotion, she pressed and pressed for a particular office that we'd earmarked for a deputy editor position yet to be filled; we finally caved, despite my better judgment. C. seemed thrilled with the decision.

But a funny thing happened to C. after she was promoted. Within weeks it was clear that some of the steam had seeped out of her. She continued to write and edit, but she didn't offer up the kind of killer ideas that the new job required. She stayed in her office for long stretches, mostly with the door shut. And when she felt under pressure, she cried.

I've promoted tons of people over the years, and I've mostly been thrilled with the results. In some cases there was an initial awkwardness or difficulty as the person got up to speed, but soon enough he or she took off.

But there have been more than a few who responded to their promotions the way C. did. They seemed to freeze, or their energy fizzled, and they never rose to the challenge of the new job. Or they completely botched their new responsibilities. I think of it as Sudden Promotion Syndrome.

Why does this happen? I asked that question of Adele Scheele, PhD, the pioneering career coach and the author of Skills for Success, who wrote a terrific career column for me at Working Woman and now does the same for the Huffington Post. Scheele knows a lot about how we handle change-she got her doctorate in it-and she has some definite thoughts on SPS.

"Winning a job promotion isn't so different than being a marathon runner," she says. "You cross the finish line but may end up cras.h.i.+ng afterward. You used a lot of time, effort, and strategy in order to be recognized enough to land the new t.i.tle. But after you realize the goal that's been driving you, things start to sink in: Do you deserve it? Do you want it? Are you going to be found out?"

Part of the problem, says Scheele, is that although we want more, we also, at the same time, want to know the territory, to feel comfortable in some basic ways, and not to have to learn everything all at once. "A new job or promotion can be such an overwhelming change," she says, "that some people-more women-don't even try. Those who do still have to internally process the chaos, turbulence, and the unknown."

In hindsight I think that C. was pretty overwhelmed. That would explain the tears and shutting herself away behind a closed door for hours. I also believe she may have imagined her career only up to the point of becoming a senior editor, and once she had the t.i.tle (and that sweet office), she went into idling mode.

I've also noticed over the years that women sometimes feel more panicky in new jobs than men do. Whereas men view being in a situation where they don't know everything as simply "a stretch," a woman might start thinking "Yikes, I'm in over my head." And that can lead to paralysis. Or, in her anxiety to prove herself, she goes full-tilt boogie without really thinking about what she should be doing.

Though Sudden Promotion Syndrome has the potential to undermine your career, it can be treated effectively. Just recognizing that it's begun to take hold is half the battle. Here are some key steps for dealing with it.

Upgrade your image immediately. Buy new clothes, new shoes, a new coat, and a new handbag-all fitting your new position. And have your hair trimmed and newly styled. "To be the part, you have to look the part," says Tracy Shaffer, my terrific entertainment director at Cosmo, who was once the publicist for celebrities such as Johnny Depp and Denise Richards. "That's why stars wear lipstick when they take out the trash."

Those kinds of style upgrades also help you feel the part. Now, you may hesitate to indulge in a minimakeover like this because you're afraid people will a.s.sume you're now Miss Smarty-Pants. And guess what? Some will think that, especially people you left behind or those you are now competing with. But it's generally only out of envy. Trust me, the benefits far outweigh the negatives here.

Set up an appointment with your boss to discuss exactly what he expects of you. You must do this with any new job, but it's especially important when you've been promoted. Because you're already on the "inside," your boss may a.s.sume you know what you should be doing next-but how can you know all the ins and outs of someone else's job? Besides, your boss may have rethought-consciously or unconsciously-how he wants the job to be handled this time. So make an appointment with him, show up with your notepad or iPad, and hear everything he's got in mind. Ask questions such as "What goals would you like me to hit in the next three months-and by the end of the year?" and "Are there things you'd like me to accomplish that weren't being addressed previously?"

Listen between the lines, too. Bosses sometimes haven't yet articulated to themselves what they think was missing, and you may have to tease that information out. Go back to your desk or workstation, and reread the notes you took. Do that every week, in fact, to be sure you're not straying from the mission. Having the responsibilities and goals in front of you in black and white will not only guide you but also ease any panicky SPS feelings.

Now make a plan. Or if your job is fairly advanced, you might need to develop a real mission statement. Let's say you're now in charge of PR for a small company and your boss wants you to create more buzz. Your mission would involve garnering more coverage via print, TV, online, and general word of mouth. But try to come up with a tight angle and focus for your overall goal.

I was handed a terrific mission statement when I arrived at Cosmo: Fun Fearless Female. It was a slogan created for an ad campaign several years before I started, and it fit both the magazine and the reader perfectly. Everything needed to match those three little words. And though they served me well for anything I was doing at a given moment, they were also directional. As the world became edgier, Cosmo could never seem less than totally fearless.

You then have to consider what projects will help fulfill that mission (your boss will have probably shared some thoughts but it's up to you to figure out others). Again, if you're in PR, those projects might include everything from securing profiles of people in your company to organizing tent-pole events that will get talked about. Determine, based on your notes, which projects take priority and set deadlines for them. Block out times on your calendar to concentrate on what must be accomplished. Keep a to-do list.

Accelerate your learning curve, even if no one is telling you to do so. In almost any new job, you're going to need to learn new things. You'll step into the job with some of the skills and knowledge required (unless you've totally snookered your superiors) but not necessarily all of them. That's okay, that's the way it works (guys tend to get this better than we do). If you had every skill and piece of knowledge that was required, you'd be ready for the job above your new one. Besides, a job isn't exciting if you're not learning in it. That said, you must master new skills and acquire knowledge as quickly as you can-even if you're not feeling any direct pressure to do so.

Sometimes you can find the information you need right where you are. Ask your boss for any relevant material she'd like you to take a look at. Go through any material or files that were left by the person you were replacing. (I've found this extremely helpful on several occasions!) If part of your new job is receiving reports from people in support areas, ask if they'd please do a follow-up call or meeting with you to run through the info. Some people like to strut their stuff this way, and it will give you the chance to delve deeper. If there are people from other areas or departments that you'll now be working with, take them out for coffee and ask for info. You don't want to sound needy or unsure, but saying something such as "I'd love to hear how your department works" will provide great intel.

In some cases, you may have to go outside to improve your skills. That's what Dr. Holly Phillips did after she took a job as a health reporter for a New York City TV station. Phillips, a graduate of Williams College and Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons, was a practicing internist in Manhattan who was frequently asked to appear on TV and discuss medical issues. Working with an agent, she made a demo reel of her many TV appearances and within a short time landed the job as a reporter. Because she'd never been an actual reporter before, the station provided her with a producer who offered her lots of guidance. But Dr. Phillips felt she'd have a huge leg up if she went further than that, so she hired a private media coach on her own dime. "It cost me the first three months' salary," she says, "but it was worth it. There are aspects of being on television, like the cadence you need to speak with, that I couldn't have picked up on my own." She's now the medical contributor for CBS This Morning.

Prepare to wow them. You've figured out a plan to accomplish what your boss wants, and that's good. But remember, you need to do more than they tell you. In part I, I talked about the importance of noting what may be missing or what needs to be fixed. Keep an eye out for that sort of stuff and run with it.

Don't hide in your works.p.a.ce or office. Most of the people I've worked with who had Sudden Promotion Syndrome burrowed into their offices like chipmunks or moles. They clearly concluded that if they hid out, they'd (1) be out of the line of fire and (2) get their work done better and faster. But to a boss, burrowing makes you look unengaged or scared.

Own your new power. Sit where someone of your stature is expected to sit at meetings, and use the perks that have been given to you. There's no reason to be modest. And delegate. If you have an a.s.sistant for the first time, work it, even if you feel awkward initially. Really successful people can answer their own phones, but if you're at midlevel, having an a.s.sistant do it or grab you lunch occasionally helps establish your clout with the people around you.

If you've been promoted from one job to another in the same workplace, distance yourself from office pals who aren't on your level, at least at the office. I know, I know, it sounds really b.i.t.c.hy and mean. But if your boss sees you still chatting at their workstations or eating with them in the cafeteria, it will make you look "junior" to her. If you're actually close friends with someone, tell her that you are crazed with the new job and will have to focus on catching up with her after hours.

{ 18 People Principles: Because Now You Really, Really Need Them }.

No matter how well you handle your actual job, you won't be able to optimize it if you don't learn to handle people well, too. I've already talked about how to deal effectively with both your boss and the people who report to you, but there are all sorts of other people you come into contact with each day, including colleagues on your level in your immediate area; coworkers in other departments who are below, above, or equal to you in rank; your boss's boss; people outside your own company, such as clients, whom you must interact or do business with; and support personnel both inside and outside your workplace. If you travel for business, that includes everyone from flight attendants to desk clerks at hotels.

Though those people-let's call them coworkers just to make it easier-don't leap out of bed each morning thinking of ways to make you a star, they often play a key role in how successful you will be in your job and your career.

In many ways, coworkers help make a job exciting and fun (some of my closest friends are men and women I once worked with), but, let's be honest, they can also present plenty of challenges. Unlike with a boss, there's no strict protocol you can fall back on, and, unlike with people who report to you, you generally don't have a lick of authority with them. That's why you need to master people skills. And it's especially important as you reach the first levels of success. The more power and responsibility you have, the more you will be interacting with people outside your area-people you hope to collaborate with, for instance, or people you may need something from but who aren't necessarily required to give it.

Unfortunately, there also may be more people gunning for you once you're a success. If you have something they want, such as power or a killer idea, they may not hesitate to come after it. The workplace can be a jungle at times-filled with tigers, snakes, and jackals!

The good news is that once you master some basic people skills (aka rules of the jungle), you can rely on them forever because people tend to be fairly predictable. Here are the best rules I know for interacting with coworkers based on what I've learned by trial and error and from watching people better at it than I am.

Principle #1: Almost everyone wants to feel good about him- or herself. It's a very simple principle, and acting with it in mind will make you much more effective-whether you're negotiating with your boss's a.s.sistant for time on his calendar or you're part of an interdepartmental committee of people who are all on your level. Whenever possible, acknowledge the other person's expertise and your respect for it. It's the difference between saying "You gotta figure out what's wrong with my AV setup!" and "You're such a whiz with this stuff. I'm sure you can figure out what's wrong." But they will know if you don't really mean it. "People want to feel important and valued," says Dr. Dale Atkins, a psychologist with whom I sometimes appear on the Today show, "but the key in communicating is to show a genuineness and sincerity when you say something rather than sound like you're just complimenting them because you want something."

Principle #2: People who approach you generally have an agenda, and you should figure out what it is. When people contact you at work-whether in person, by phone, or by e-mail-there's almost always a purpose. They need something from you, for instance, or they want to pa.s.s along information. Sometimes, though, the agenda is not what it seems, and you need to discover it. Ask questions. Listen carefully. Ask yourself, too, whether the agenda the person announces to you may not be the true agenda.

Principle #3: Sugar lips can get you what you want. When I was the editor in chief of Redbook, I gave a luncheon to honor some of the outstanding members of Mothers Against Drunk Driving, and we asked Elizabeth Dole, a former U.S. senator and then the head of the American Red Cross, to present the awards. As I was reading up on her before the event, I discovered that she was sometimes known as Sugar Lips. Why that nickname? She was apparently a master at getting her way by sweet-talking. The day of the luncheon, I was able to see the sugar lips in action. Dole was strong and impressive but also very warm and incredibly charming.

Up until I read the articles about Senator Dole, I hadn't heard the term "sugar lips" (though it's apparently an old southern expression), but I'd certainly seen the technique before. In my neck of the woods it was known as "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." Regardless of what you call it, it works.

By sugar lips I don't mean acting all gushy. I'm talking about using a little charm to persuade people rather than acting like a bully or a b.i.t.c.h. The phrase "I could really use your help," said with a smile, can work brilliantly.

When I was first starting out in the work world, women were encouraged to talk tough, act tough, and take no prisoners. But there are several problems with this approach. One, it can be very threatening, especially to men, and the other person ends up becoming defensive rather than cooperative. Two, it leaves you with nowhere to go if things aren't working out. And last, as that became the modus operandi for many women and men, too, it lost all its wallop. If everyone is b.i.t.c.hing or barking, it's not going to grab attention as it might have before.

When Lady Gaga's publicist called a week before our Cosmo cover shoot with her and reported that she wasn't feeling up to it, I wondered briefly if I should try to go into a hard-a.s.s "We had a deal" mode. But I knew that that would do nothing to help my case. So I called one of the top people at the record company and asked for his help. I told him that I knew that the cover would be important for both of us-an issue of Cosmo, I told him, generally sold more on the newsstand than Glamour, Vogue, and InStyle combined-and I was hoping he could do all he could to turn the situation around. He did just that. The cover shoot went great, and the issue was a top seller.

Principle #4: Sometimes you need to kick b.u.t.t and take numbers. Unfortunately, sugar lips don't always work. In certain instances you have to get tough. But by tough I mean firm, direct, no-nonsense, giving a hint of anger without raising your voice. Not shrill or strident-it makes you seem weak. No name-calling or idle threats, such as the lame "I'll have your job!" That kind of remark only backs people into a corner. When you're talking about anything from bad behavior to a pathetic hotel room, a great phrase is "This is unacceptable, and it's important that you fix it immediately."

Principle #5: If you tell someone something under the legendary "cone of silence," there is about an 85 percent chance that he or she will repeat it. People are very bad at keeping secrets. They swear that they will place your secret "in the vault," but guess what? There is no vault! In some cases people blab just because they're compulsive gossipers; while you're still speaking, they're thinking of whom they can spill to. You can learn to spot those people, by the way; they're the ones who tell you something they heard in confidence from someone else, claiming they're sharing with just you.

Other people don't intend to blab, but a moment arrives when sharing the secret will make them seem wonderfully in the know, and they go for it. When I was pregnant with my first child, I wanted to wait to tell my boss until I was safely past the first trimester. I sensed that my pregnancy might throw her a curveball, and there seemed no point in shaking things up unnecessarily. Just before I was planning to break the news, I flew to San Francisco for a business trip with several people from the advertising sales team. One of the women on the trip looked at me after I'd ordered my third Caesar salad in two days (I had such a pregnancy-related food craving for Caesar salad that at times it seemed I might end up giving birth to a head of romaine lettuce!). I whispered to her that I was pregnant. It was nice to share the news, and I felt no qualms she'd tell. No one, I decided, would betray that kind of secret. WRONG. She told her boss, who then told my boss. It clearly made the chick feel important to relay that kind of news. And my boss, as you'd expect, was p.i.s.sed off that I hadn't told her first.

That's when I realized that no secret is entirely safe, even personal ones (it's best, by the way, to always leave those at home). When people don't out-and-out spread the story, the info may still leak out from them indirectly.

Does that mean you should never confide anything to anyone? No. Because you sometimes have to share sensitive work info with your team. But help them understand the importance of discretion. Start with "I really need everyone to keep this information confidential. Can I count on you?" But be prepared that it still might get out.

Principle #6: Secret keepers go far. It's hard to keep a juicy secret. But if you promised you would, you must. One way to resist telling anyone is to relish the secret. Be like the cat that ate the canary, and delight in the fact that you have something no one else does. If you're good at keeping secrets, you'll earn a reputation for it, and people will share info of value. What you can share instead is industry gossip that you've overheard or read about. That will prevent you from seeming prissy.

Principle #7: You can learn a lot from people's body language if you pay attention. I'm fascinated with body language. I've not only written articles on it myself but also published lots of pieces with some of the top body language experts as sources. Reading a book by someone like Janine Driver or David Givens is worth the time, but you can also gain a lot just by tuning in to the gestures and expressions people use. Those movements are often quite literal. When someone can't meet your eyes easily, trust me, he's uncomfortable for some reason. When someone touches her lips or nose, she may feel awkward about what she's saying (it could even be a lie). One gesture I've never read anything about but find quite revealing is when someone who is seated kicks his or her foot up a little-especially when you've just asked a question. It seems to signal that you've hit a nerve somehow. In fact, it's almost the same thing that happens when a doctor taps your knee with a reflex hammer!

Also look for recurring patterns, or what poker players call a "tell." I had a boss years ago whose eyes watered slightly when she didn't like where the conversation was headed. That was so useful. I knew when to change the subject!

Principle #8: When you're trying to get into sync with someone, mirroring his or her body language works almost magically. While doing research for an article for a magazine I was editing, I stumbled on information one day about the power of mirroring people's body language. It seemed awfully New Agey, but I found it intriguing. That same day I was having lunch with a writer I was trying to woo as a regular contributor and decided there was no harm in trying the technique. The lunch went well, and the writer accepted the offer. As we were leaving the restaurant, she stopped in her tracks and said, "I can't quite explain it, but this was one of the best lunch meetings I've ever had."

I felt a little guilty having used that lovely writer as a guinea pig, but I learned the value of mirroring that day. Lots of research backs it up-it's simply a way to get into sync with someone you're meeting with. If he puts his left hand into his lap, put your right hand in your lap. But wait a beat or two so it doesn't seem obvious, and don't mimic every gesture exactly.