Accidentally On Purpose Part 30

"No, it's not fine, Emmy. I was an a.s.s, and I'm sorry."

"Okay. Forgiven."

"Okay. I'll be back in a few hours, maybe around three."

"Take your time."

He walked out of the room but returned seconds later.

"I'm really going to the office to work, nothing s.h.i.+esty will be going on. I promise."

"Luke, you don't owe me any explanations."

"I do, and I'll just be honest about it next time. So, there will be no question about it in your head."

"I don't want to know," I said. I meant to sound firm, but instead I sounded like I was pleading, and in my mind I was. I didn't want to know every time he was going to go f.u.c.k some girl.

He stood there staring at me, his mouth open. "I'm sorry."

"Dude, stop apologizing and go to work already," I forced a chuckle. "It's fine - I'm fine. Really."

"Okay. I'll be home as soon as I'm done."

"Okay, okay." I waved him away, but he stood rooted to the floor. "What now?"

"I don't want you to think that you're not...attractive or desirable."

"Oh my G.o.d, Luke! Can you just go!"

"Because you are. You're probably hotter than ever before, but we just have so much...s.h.i.+t between us and we're not really on the same page and..."

"You know what? If it will make you feel better, I will go get laid tonight. I'm sure I can find a date. Then you won't feel so...weird, and you are being really, really weird."

His face fell. "Sorry. I'm leaving." And with that, he finally left.

Chapter Thirty-Six

Weeks pa.s.sed, but not without some small changes. For example, one morning when Luke was leaving for work, he kissed Lucas on the head as he always did. Without any hesitation, he kissed my cheek before going out the door. He did the same when he got home from work that day. After that day, the kisses to the cheek became commonplace, even in the mornings as a greeting.

Then there was the hand holding. This started in the park one day. Luke carried Lucas, because Lucas was tired, cranky, and didn't want to walk anymore. With his free hand, he took mine, in the middle of a conversation, so I didn't comment on it. Then I thought it would be rude to do so, so I didn't. That, too became commonplace, not just in the park, but wherever we went together.

Luke stopped working late in the office, opting to bring home is work instead. I don't know if he just wanted to be home with Lucas, or if he was trying to prove to me he wasn't sleeping around, but then I didn't think it mattered what I thought. We weren't a couple. I dismissed that line of reasoning and just a.s.sumed it was about Lucas and the creature comforts of home.

"We need to move," he said one night, trying to find room at the table for his papers. "We're outgrowing this apartment. We need a house, where Lucas can play outside."

"Oh," I said. I never thought this far ahead. I never imagined leaving this apartment, but he was right. It was getting tight.

"I'll call an agent tomorrow," he said, frustration laced throughout his voice.

"Can I get you something before I go to bed?"

"No, I'm fine. If I need anything, I can get it. Thanks."

I turned to go into the bedroom when a thought occurred to me.

"Luke, why don't you sleep in the bed tonight? You've been working your a.s.s off and sleeping on a blow-up bed. It hardly seems fair."

"Are you trying to seduce me, Miss Grayne?"

I snickered. "I'm pretty sure my girly parts have withered up and turned to dust by now. I'm serious, though. Just come to bed when you're ready. I can come out here."

"I'll think about it," he nodded slowly. "Goodnight." He took a few steps and kissed my cheek.

"Lata." I gave him the peace sign and disappeared into the bedroom.

I don't know what time it was when I felt Luke climb into bed next to me. I mumbled something about taking the couch, but his hand on my hip restrained me.

"Does it bother you to sleep in the same bed as me?" He asked.

I looked over my shoulder at him. There was just enough moonlight seeping through the windows to highlight his facial features. The view was stunning, so stunning I forgot what he asked.

"What did you say again?"

"Does it bother you to sleep in the same bed as me?"

"No. I thought it bothered you you."

"Maybe in the beginning, but not for the reasons you would think."

I rolled my head back to my pillow. "I didn't put much thought into it."

For a little while, it was quiet. Only Lucas's soft snoring could be heard. Luke's hand stayed on my hip, unnerving me a little.

"I want to ask you something, and I want you to be straight with me."

I rolled over onto my back so I could look at him. He readjusted his hand so that it rested on my belly and propped up his head with his other hand.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Did Kyle hit you?"

I held my breath for a moment, tried not to look as startled as I felt. "Why are you asking me that?"

"You alluded to it months ago. You said something about being used and abused, and then when I asked you about your last day in Philly, you said you didn't want to talk about it."

"That doesn't mean anything," I said, feeling cornered.

"Yeah, I knew you would react this way, so I talked to your mom and Mayson."

"What the f.u.c.k," I muttered. I rolled away from him and out of bed. He followed me into the living room, talking.

"Mayson said you came back from a trip to Miami with a broken wrist, and the day after the cast was off you were walking around with that fancy bracelet. You told her you fell while you were drunk, but she didn't believe you, and she especially didn't believe you after you started wearing the bracelet. She thought it was some kind of compensation from Kyle probably breaking your wrist."

"Mayson is a crazy b.i.t.c.h. You can't believe anything she says," I snarled.

"That's cruel and wrong and you know it," he said firmly.

I kept walking away from him, but he kept following me.

"Your mom said she didn't even know about the broken wrist until I asked her today. You gave her a different story about the bracelet. She also said you called her a little after midnight New Years and told her you were going to be there later in the day. You got there a day late, claiming you were in a car accident to explain away the fresh bruises on your face, on your arms, and even on your back."

I stared at him in horror. Every day I had to work on eradicating those memories from my head. I kept only enough as a reminder of the things that can happen to me when I f.u.c.k other people over.

"He really f.u.c.ked up your head, didn't he?" Luke asked. "You feel like you deserved everything he did to you."

I didn't have anything to say. I just stood there staring at the floor, and he stood there watching me watch the floor.

He sighed, shuffled around a little.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't press you like that. When you're ready to talk about it, I will always be ready to listen." A lingering kiss on my cheek and he was gone.

I looked at the clock on the oven. It was three-thirty in the morning, and I knew sleep was going to elude me the rest of the night. I shuffled into the living room and planted myself on the couch. I sat there until the sun came up, trying hard not to let the bad s.h.i.+t from the past take over my emotions. I was able to get a grip by the time Lucas woke up.

I bathed him, dressed and fed him all before Luke rolled out of bed. He looked as bad as I felt, tired, worried, drained.

"I'm not going in today," I said, packing up Lucas's diaper bag. "Can you drop him off at Lena's?"

"I'm not going in either," he yawned. "I'll drop him off anyway."

Okay, so I was being unreasonable, I realized. I had never spoken to anyone about the things Kyle did to me. Speaking about it aloud was distressing. I didn't want people to know how weak I was, how stupid I was, and did I think I deserved it? I felt that karma was a b.i.t.c.h, and karma got me good.

What happened to me was embarra.s.sing, and was so far apart from the person everyone thought I was. I knew everyone would look at me differently, and even though I was definitely different in countless ways, I didn't want to be pitied. I'm sure Luke didn't want to extend me his pity. Honestly, I wasn't sure what Luke's intentions were. His behavior over the past several weeks were confusing. I didn't know where it all was going.

I was exhausted. I picked myself up off of the couch and dragged my tired a.s.s to bed. I wanted to occupy my mind for a while, with someone else's life. I picked up my kindle and started to read some Jennifer Weiner. Kyle came in a little while later.

"I have such a crazy headache," he grumbled as he kicked off his shoes. "I feel like my head is going to explode."

Forever ago, when Kyle was my boyfriend, when he had a headache, he would lay his head in my lap and I would run my fingers through his hair, letting them gently graze his head. As if no time had pa.s.sed since the last time we did this, he got into bed and put his head in my lap. Hesitantly, I put my free hand in his hair and began the old ritual.

I went back to reading while my hand was lost in his soft hair, pretending that this wasn't an unusual event, pretending that it wasn't giving me b.u.t.terflies big enough to make me want to hurl. I read the same sentences over and over again before I understood the words, taking forever to get through a few short paragraphs.

Luke was silent and I heard his breathing slow down. I looked down at his sleeping form, amazed. What the f.u.c.k was happening here?

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Eventually, I was able to fall asleep after readjusting myself under Luke so that his head rested on my stomach instead of my lap. When I woke up a couple of hours later, he was sitting up, remote control in hand, lazily changing the channels.

"You hungry?" He asked, when I sat up.

"I could eat."

"I'll order some pizza and wings."

"Sure," I said and got up to go pee. "How's your head?"

"Perfectly fine thanks to your magic fingers."

"Cool."

When I came out of the bathroom, Luke had his laptop open on the bed.

"I ordered our food."

I sat down next to him and looked at the screen. He was on a real estate site, scrolling through pictures of houses.

"Where do you want to move to?" I asked.

"Maybe closer to Lena? What do you think?"

"It doesn't matter to me. As long as it's pretty safe. You want to get away from the city?" We currently lived almost in the heart of Chicago, not far from downtown and all of the tourist areas.

"I think so, but I don't want a two hour commute to work either. Maybe somewhere close to public transportation."

I nodded in agreement. "How big of a place are you thinking of?"

"Four bedrooms and a s.p.a.ce for an office."