And Another Thing... Part 29

'Hey, guys, you know this isn't really fun any more.'

Thor sighed. 'You know, I was thinking that. If there was a fight or something, the heroic struggle, but this is just me, the big guy, beating a little guy.'

Arthur folded his arms and gave Zaphod the Daddy look. 'That's right, which is why this whole thing stops right now.'

Zaphod stared back. 'Are we playing a face game? No blinking, is it?'

'No, Zaphod, this is not a game. You two have had your fun. Now it's time to end it.'

'I'd love that,' said Zaphod. 'I would honestly, but there's a lot riding on this fight. Thor's entire career, my fifteen per cent. I'm afraid Wowbagger has to go.'

'Don't forget the Fat a.r.s.e thing.'

Arthur was shocked. 'Ford! Why would you bring that up?'

'Oh, sorry. That wasn't helpful, was it?'

Arthur was feeling quite intimidated with Thor's codpiece throwing a shadow over him, but he persevered.

'The thing of it is, Zaphod, Mr Thor, the thing is that Trillian has grown fond of Wowbagger, more than fond, in fact. And what sort of father to her daughter would I be if I didn't try to intervene on his behalf?'

Thor frowned. 'Why do you look vaguely familiar? Things aren't usually vaguely familiar to me I either know them or I don't.'

Arthur's legs very much wanted to a.s.sume control and run faster than they had since he'd sprinted to stop his mother perusing his special spiral pad with the cut-out photos from the Blue Peter Blue Peter presenters' annual. presenters' annual.

'We've talked before. At a flying party. You tried to pick up a friend of mine.'

'Pick up? What kind of pick up?'

'You know the kind where you lift something off the ground?'

'Yes.'

'Well, not that kind.'

Thor rubbed his forehead as though still hung-over. 'That explains it. I lost enough brain cells at that party to power the Imperial Government for a century.' The Thunder G.o.d took a step to one side. 'He's coming down.'

'You did your best, Earthman, and I applaud you,' snapped Zaphod. 'Now get lost while my client does what he he does best.' does best.'

'I can't walk away, Zaphod,' said Arthur stubbornly. 'I could never look Trillian in the eye. And you will never be able to sleep at night if you go ahead with this.'

'My conscience will be clear.'

'It's not your conscience I'd be worried about.'

Zaphod frowned. 'And what should I be worried about? Spell it out, man. You know I can't read between the lines.'

'I would be worried about Trillian hunting me down and planting a spike between my shoulder blades.'

Zaphod s.h.i.+vered. 'Oooh. She would, wouldn't she? I can just see it.' He glanced over at Hillman Hunter on the sidelines. 'I promised this guy a death. He's from Earth and you know what those people are like. It's all about the bloodshed with them.'

'That is so untrue, Zaphod. We are not all bloodthirsty monsters.'

Zaphod snorted. 'Oh, no? How come you blew up your entire planet?'

'We did not blow up our planet! You did it. You aliens aliens!'

'Now we're getting somewhere. Now we're getting down to your issues.'

'My issues? You're the one prepared to have someone murdered just because he said you had a fat a.r.s.e.' issues? You're the one prepared to have someone murdered just because he said you had a fat a.r.s.e.'

Zaphod paled. 'He said what what?'

Arthur turned to Thor's knee. 'And you're prepared to kill someone just to get a job.'

'There's no point talking to me,' said Thor, tugging his beaded braid. 'I don't have any regard for mortal life. As far as I'm concerned, you people are about as important as ants. And not the big scary mutant ants, just the normal little ones. To be honest, I'm far too worried about my own career comeback to care about individual lives.'

'And, anyway, it's not actually murder, is it?' said Zaphod in a tone so patronizing it would have set all of the pink ectoplasm b.a.l.l.s hopping in a Full-O-Yourself detector. 'He wants us to kill him.'

'Not any more,' said Arthur.

'Really? Are you sure?'

Thor took a step back. 'Why don't we ask him?'

Wowbagger hit the ground so hard that his immortality leaped out of him like a ghost image, leaving a shattered mortal crammed into a shallow hole in the ground.

'Ow,' he said. 'That's... Ow... Painkillers anyone?'

Ford pulled a towel from his satchel. 'Suck on the corner,' he advised, pa.s.sing it down. 'That blue stripe should take some of the sting out of your injuries.'

Thor hefted Mjollnir. 'Any last words?'

Wowbagger spat out the towel. 'The deal's off. I need to live.'

'Aha, there, you see,' said Arthur. 'He wants to live. You can't just kill him.'

Thor chuckled and it sounded very much like a large bear clearing its throat, a throat which had recently swallowed several well-fed men.

'I can't? Who says I can't? You?'

Trillian appeared suddenly, barging her way past the men, dropping to her knees by Wowbagger's crater.

'No. I say it, you big monster. I love this man, alien, or whatever he is and you are not going to take him from me.'

'I remember you, vaguely,' said Thor, but he did not strike. He was astute enough to see the media downside of hammering through a defenceless woman to kill a broken man.

'Zark, Zaph,' he groaned. 'This is a bust. I had my hopes up too.'

Zaphod ground his teeth. There must be some small victory yet to be gleaned from this situation. 'Well, at least denounce the Cheese.'

Wowbagger coughed and groaned. 'No problem. I hate cheese.'

I'll take what I can get, thought Zaphod. He turned to the crowd with his arms raised preacher-high.

'Wowbagger is defeated,' he cried. 'He has renounced the Cheese and embraced Thor as his G.o.d.'

Hillman Hunter punched the air and Buff Orpington launched himself into a bunch of Tyromancers and punched everyone he could.

Zaphod relaxed instantly. Good. A riot. Riots always work well for me. I am an agent of Chaos Good. A riot. Riots always work well for me. I am an agent of Chaos, he thought. And Havoc. Those two G.o.ds are the best close harmony singers in the Universe. Maybe I should book them as support to Thor And Havoc. Those two G.o.ds are the best close harmony singers in the Universe. Maybe I should book them as support to Thor.

Trillian kissed Wowbagger's brow and wiped the blue glowing blood from his mouth.

'Are you going to stay with me?'

Wowbagger smiled, but it cost him. 'For as long as I can. That hammer knocked the immortal right out of me. I may not have much more than half a lifespan left.'

'That will have to do,' said Trillian and she beckoned to the father of her child to help her daughter's stepfather-to-be out of his impact crater.

Random watched all of this from the sidelines, not quite ready to be huggy-wuggy just yet.

Is that the dark matter? she wondered. she wondered. Or is that me? Or is that me?

This thought worried her for a brief moment, but was soon superseded by the notion that she could probably use the situation to blackmail some really good presents out of Arthur.

Arthur. Definitely not Daddy. Maybe Dad though.

After Trillian and Wowbagger had said a few goodbyes, Thor carried the ex-immortal back to the Tanngrisnir Tanngrisnir, much to the delight of the s.h.i.+p's computer.

'Hey, Thor. I missed you.'

'Sorry about the computer, folks,' said Thor sheepishly to the half-dead man in his arms and the young lady clasping the half-dead man's hand. 'Dad programmed the s.h.i.+p to adore me and sealed the program with his magic eye, so I could never erase it. That's the main reason I gave this bucket away. Anyway, what do I need a s.h.i.+p for? I have Mjollnir.'

'I'm right here,' said the computer. 'I hear what you're saying, baby. But I forgive you.'

'Okay,' said Thor, hurriedly laying Wowbagger on a bed that rose up from the floor to meet him. 'Leave him in the plasma bed for a week and he should be as healthy as a mortal can be.'

'Mortal,' croaked Wowbagger. 'Are you sure you want that, Trillian?'

Trillian sniffled. 'I'll make do.'

'That's great,' said Thor, feeling suddenly claustrophobic. 'I'll just leave you two together. I have a banquet to get to apparently someone put quite a bit of beef on the barbecue. You guys have fun.'

'No!' wailed the s.h.i.+p. 'Don't leave me!'

'Gotta fly,' said the Thunder G.o.d and bolted from the s.h.i.+p.

'N-o-o-o-o-o,' wailed the computer. 'N-o-o-o-o-o. Not again.'

Trillian put her degree in astrophysics and her time on the Heart of Gold Heart of Gold to good use and quickly b.u.mped the to good use and quickly b.u.mped the Tanngrisnir Tanngrisnir into the stratosphere. into the stratosphere.

Wowbagger was already feeling a little better in his coc.o.o.n of healing plasma.

'Where are we going?' he asked.

The answer was simple. 'Somewhere together.'

Wowbagger laughed, though it cost him. 'That's quite romantic. Are you like this all the time?'

'We'll find out, won't we?' replied Trillian. 'We have all the time in the world.'

'No, we don't actually, but what we do have is precious.'

Trillian rolled her eyes. 'G.o.d, I'm already sick of all this sweet talk.'

'Me too,' said Wowbagger. 'Do you want to go and insult somebody?'

'I thought you'd never ask.'

'Ever been to the Wavering Wormholes of Stryk Lycombdan Tsing?'

'No. What are the beings there like?'

'Jerks. Complete a.r.s.eholes.'

Trillian ran a search on the Galact-O-Map. 'Well, then, what are we waiting for?'

She selected the glowing dot on the display and the Tanngrisnir Tanngrisnir became one with the night sky. became one with the night sky.

11.

Vogon Bureaucruiser Cla.s.s Hypers.p.a.ce s.h.i.+p, the Business End Business End Hypers.p.a.ce cleared its throat and hawked out a Vogon bureaucruiser into the clear swathe of satin s.p.a.ce 0.01 pa.r.s.ecs beyond Nano's thermosphere. Inside the Business End Business End, three thousand members of the Bureaucratic Corps flopped out of their hypercradles and rubbed the belt dimples from their tummies.

Prostetnic Jeltz was first at his station, dispelling the unsettling daze of ersatz-evolution by pounding on b.u.t.tons and shouting at his slacker subordinates.

'Less sloth, you useless gallywragglers,' he urged. 'Show a little kroompst kroompst. We are on the clock, and it is an atomic clock that will never lose a second.'

The crew grunted kroompst kroompst and moaned their way to various posts, groggily redirecting their animosity towards the planet below. and moaned their way to various posts, groggily redirecting their animosity towards the planet below.

'Hypers.p.a.ce is merely a holiday,' said Jeltz, 'not a place you can live. So forget its false comforts.'

There were few comforts, false or otherwise, on board the Business End Business End. Soft furnis.h.i.+ngs of any kind were verboten verboten for the crew, as they might take the edge off. And a Vogon without his hostile edge is about as much use as a pooh stick in a bartle-bodging contest. for the crew, as they might take the edge off. And a Vogon without his hostile edge is about as much use as a pooh stick in a bartle-bodging contest.