Distractions. Part 20

Within my wine induced bubble, I pushed as far as I could without waking him. The day old growth along his chin tickled my nose as I held my breath to drag it down his neck. My fingers raked delicately, back and forth inside his forearm, drawing out goose pimples. Finally, I could no longer stand it and lightly kissed along the dark trail beneath his navel, leading into his black trunks. If I didn't stop now, I never would. Crawling back up to my side of the bed, I rolled to my side and closed my eyes. Just before I went to sleep, I felt Shepard reach over and pull me snugly against his chest and breathing out a sigh.

I awoke the next morning, still secure in Shepard's vice grip embrace. I must have let him hold me all night, which kind of frightened me. Even if I was drunk, I normally never slept well with anything touching me, much less someone else. I felt his erection pressing into my back, so I decided to be a little naughty and innocently wiggled against him.

Tightening his grip even more, he murmured into my ear, "If you're not going to finish what you start, you are not allowed to do that." Quickly flipping me over, he used his knee to open my legs and pressed his hips deeply, instantly making me hot. As he twisted side to side a little, he began to chuckle, "It's not nice, is it?"

Rolling off the bed and leaving me fl.u.s.tered, he walked away into the bathroom, whistling. Getting dressed quickly, I tied my hair into a knot and held up the stragglers with my sungla.s.ses. My aunt and uncle were already awake with a light breakfast on the table and fresh coffee made. Shepard strolled down the stairs, looking cheerful and mischievous. He walked over to the fire place and picked up a piece of a log from the small pile.

"Hey, I noticed you have a lot of wood still. Was the winter not that bad here?"

He then looked to me and winked where I mouthed back, "I am going to kill you."

Coming up behind me, he leaned down and whispered into my ear, "Not if I kill you first."

The stab in my chest momentarily took my breath away, but I shook it off. Our interactions had become nearly effortless, as if we had never been apart. I could tell by the way he was treated here that my aunt adored him. As we were saying our good-byes, she hugged Shepard once again and told him he needed to convince me to stay a that she would like having family close by. Smiling, he hugged my shoulder and said, "I'm trying."

Without hesitation, she looked at him point blank and told him, "Try harder."

Both of us allowed the tears to flow freely at the short time we were given. Even being here for only a day, I could see myself coming over often for coffee, or having them over to Ingrid's for dinner someday. Shaking my head once again, the thoughts were not allowed room to grow today. As Shepard was starting the car, I had the sudden urge to drive and focus my mind on something else. I had nothing to lose by asking, so I did.

"May I take the wheel for a little while?"

He looked at me briefly as though I had three heads, and then turned the ignition off. Letting out an exaggerated breath, he held the door handle for a moment before opening it and stepping out. I hopped in the driver's seat and began adjusting the mirrors and seat to be more comfortable. I suddenly felt like a teenager as he began to explain things to me.

"Okay, Violet, this is a Maserati MC Gran Tourismo, not a Honda. This car tops out at three hundred kilometers per hour. It goes from zero to sixty in four point eight seconds flat. You have to be careful."

I smiled and played innocent, knowing full well what this car was capable of. I had never driven anything as nice as this, yet when I was younger, Connor used to drive his dad's BMW M3, and he would let me speed along I-25 after parties. I followed his directions and drove exactly the speed limit until we reached the Autobahn. The moment I saw the sign indicating there were no restrictions on that portion of the road, I hit the gas and began to weave around the slower cars.

"d.a.m.n, Violet, slow down!" His hand was gripping the dashboard while I drove, laughing recklessly.

"Simmer down, don't you trust me?" Keeping my eyes focused on the road, I could feel his eyes boring into me, yet he didn't say a word. Leaning back, he watched as I maneuvered through traffic with precision. I knew he had had enough, so I pulled off at an exit and handed him the keys before going to the bathroom. By the time we reached Interlaken, I could feel the fight between us brewing even stronger. It was temporarily subdued after arriving at the base of the Alps in Lauterbrunnen.

The hills on the way in were dotted with cows and small farms. A large train station greeted us as we first entered the small town before pulling off to the left into our hotel. The side of the large yellow building with red shutters read Hotel Staubbach. Dark wood paneling and floors lined the reception area and led to the dining area and commons room. They gave us one of the heavy, old-style, metal skeleton keys for our room. After dropping off our luggage, we peeked around and walked by a small ice maker and tea stand.

"I bet you did this on purpose!" I slapped the side of his arm after "casually" pa.s.sing by the refreshment table.

"What? I thought you would be thrilled with an ice machine, one of those American luxuries people take for granted." He opened the small lid and popped one of the cubes in his mouth, smiling.

I slapped him again, making the cube fall out of his mouth and onto the floor. "You are so full of it, but you're lucky because I do like this place."

Bending over into mock bow, he swept his arm across the expanse of the room, "I'm glad princess approves of her sleeping quarters for the night. Heaven forbid it be some place beneath her standards."

I gave him a scornful look and walked outside to look at the waterfalls in more detail. The sky was crystal blue without a cloud marring the view. Majestic snow covered mountains peeked through the valley opening, so grand that it appeared fake. Everything looked so perfect. Distracted by the beauty, I was startled when Shepard came up behind me and whispered in my ear, "I'm glad you like it, I hoped you would." Wrapping his arms around my waist, he rested his chin on my shoulder, looking at the view with me.

"I do, thank you." I nuzzled a little against his cheeks in appreciation.

"Good, because you haven't seen anything, yet!" His arm tugged me towards the car and we drove a short distance away to a large parking lot.

Light shone brilliantly in his eyes. He couldn't contain how excited he was a similar to how I felt in Ettal. He pulled our coats from the trunk and a few bottles of water, then led me to a ticket booth where he chose two pa.s.ses to the Piz Gloria. Movie advertis.e.m.e.nts were everywhere, indicating a portion was filmed at the top where we were headed. As we waited in line to board the tram, Shepard opened one of the small brochures and talked a little about each of the stops. We would first go to the small town of Gimmelwald, and then Murren, before traveling all the way up to the top of the Schilthorn Peak where the Piz Gloria was.

As we slowly ascended the mountain, the larger peaks came into better view. "Oh my G.o.d, this is indescribable." My eyes were not big enough to absorb everything they were taking in. I couldn't stop snapping pictures with my phone so I could hope to capture a fraction of how incredible this sight was...the charm of the small wooden buildings and the farmers who sold their cheeses, and the quaint shops that carried souvenirs. The farther up we traveled and walked, the more breathtaking it was. Although we were up high, we didn't need our jackets until we left Murren. It was fascinating seeing towns where there were no cars, perched precariously on the sides of the mountain, yet bustling with life. I was convinced it would be impossible to live there and be miserable. If there were a heaven, I was right on its doorstep.

Shepard was humored by my delight. I couldn't get over it all. I was that annoying gawking tourist, moving at a snail's pace. He eventually had to convince me to get back onto the tram so we could make the last seating for dinner. As we climbed even higher into the snow, I rested my back against his chest, sedated by wonder. I spent so much time peering into a microscope; it was nice to feel small for once. Our dinner was relatively quiet as we enjoyed each other's company and the stunning vistas.

"This is the kind of place you bring someone when you want to ask them to marry you." While I was taking a bite of chicken, right on cue, a man dropped to his knees at the table next to us and asked his girlfriend to be his bride.

I set my fork down to clap with the rest of the other patrons while staring blankly at the plate in front of me, no longer hungry. Sensing my sudden discomfort, Shepard asked for the check and pulled his coat on. I stepped out onto the overlook while he settled the bill and waited for him to join me. He leaned over the rail without speaking for a few minutes.

"Violet, why did that bother you back there?"

Rocking back and forth on my heels, I just shook my head. "I don't know; it just did."

I heard the audible exhale as he debated on how to reply. "I know you are not going to take the job, no matter what they offer you."

Turning to face him, I tilted my head curiously. "Oh, how do you know?"

Laughing under his breath, he looked out again towards the east. "You haven't mentioned it once this week, except briefly last night. You might be here physically, but mentally you are a million miles away. I feel like you are going to walk out of my life and I never stood a chance. At least I know it's genetic now."

My blood started to boil in my veins; I could feel my lips starting to turn up into a snarl, ready to attack. "How dare you! My grandma did what she thought was right. It wasn't easy, but she knew Hannalore was better off."

Stepping closer to me with his chest puffed out aggressively, he was starting to seethe just as I was. "You honestly think she wouldn't have chosen her family?"

"You don't know anything about my family!"

"No, but I know what it's like to grow up without one."

With that, I closed my eyes and finally felt the pain he wanted to inflict on me. He did blame me, and now he had ammunition to fight harder. He was hurting, so he wanted me to hurt, too. He was either picking a fight to break me in hopes I would finally cave, or destroy me. Either way, we were both done.

"This isn't about our families; it's about you and me. You want to know? Hmm? You were right this week. Someone did break me. They left me in an emotional gutter to rot, and I was this close to ending it all." I held my fingers together to emphasize my point. From the look on his face, he wasn't prepared to handle what I was about to say.

"One beautiful little pill to make all the pain go away and rid the world of my destructive a.s.s. I used to wonder what could possibly drive your father so far into making that choice, and you know what? I saw it. When you realize that you have destroyed everything good in your life, it's easy to get lost in the dark."

His head dropped and his voice became quiet. "What stopped you, Violet?"

The tears were burning behind my eyes, falling slowly down my cheeks and onto my jacket. I took off my glove and touched the side of Shepard's face. "You did. I knew no matter how mad you were at me, the thought that I ended my life at the hands of an a.s.shole would have not only made you sick, it would have devastated you. I knew I hurt you before, but I couldn't do that to you."

He reached over to pull me closer, but I reflexively stepped back. Stepping forward towards me again, he gently grabbed my arm. "Violet, who did this to you?"

I kept stepping backwards, shaking my head and beginning to mumble incoherently. This is not a place I wanted to revisit. Not now, not ever.

"Violet, please tell me!"

I knew now that it had started he was not going to let it go. Reaching my hands into my hair, grabbing fistfuls, I quietly said the name I cursed on a daily basis, "Connor."

"What do you mean *Connor' a your ex? That was...you saw him when your grandma died." His voice conveyed that he was starting to understand. He was one of the few people who knew what happened before, and the fact I even allowed that door to open made me deplorable. "That's why you won't let me touch you, because of him."

I nodded slowly to confirm his speculations. "I wasn't able to save the ranch. I went out drinking just after she died, but before the funeral. Connor got the call that I was messed up and needed to be taken care of. He showed up and we got in a huge fight. I got even drunker and blacked out. The next day we got into an even bigger fight; I thought I broke his nose. But we also talked and settled some dust. He bought the ranch under special conditions. I stipulated that I have a year to come up with the money to buy it back, or else it's his outright. He can't sell it for a year without Vivienne's signature.

I really thought he changed. Twelve years is a long time for someone to grow up. So, I let my guard down and let him in again. My flight home got cancelled and I went to his apartment to surprise him just hours after I left. I knocked on the door and an eighteen- year-old girl answered it, with Connor snaked around her waist. He tried telling me it wasn't what it looked like. I can't stand being deceived. So, maybe now you can understand why I am a little gun shy when it comes to revisiting the past."

We stood next to each other, watching the sunset over the mountains. I knew I just gave him a lot of information to process, but after tomorrow our paths may never cross again. I was being realistic; he needed to know why I was being so guarded.

"Violet, I am sorry..."

"Don't be. I'm the one with issues, remember?"

"No, about this."

"What about it?"

"You were right, I set this up."

A nauseous feeling started to weigh in my gut. What I just sent out was about to boomerang back into my face, I could feel it. "What do you mean you *set this up'?"

"This week...I knew you would be at the airport, on that plane. I knew the meeting would be cancelled...I work for Balashov."

I had to grip the railing to keep from pa.s.sing out. The world was spinning so quickly, I couldn't grasp my bearings. I sunk to my knees and started to breathe. "Why would you do that, Shepard?"

As he leaned next to me, I flinched away from him, suddenly afraid. I could see the hurt in his eyes, but I kept backing up the closer he got to me.

"I've waited so long to see you again; the opportunity to spend a week with you alone was too good to pa.s.s up. I didn't mean to lie to you. I just had to get you away to know the truth."

"The truth about what?" I felt myself starting to have a panic attack. I grabbed the railing as my knees began to buckle, trying to breathe deeply, but unable to due to the thin air.

He slowly moved closer, and gradually, I stopped scooting away. He began to talk me down the only way he knew how a by giving me an out.

"The truth about us, that's all. Come on, I will take you back to the hotel and drop you off in the morning so you can be on your way. It's up to you if you want to still meet with Balashov, but don't feel obligated. For all it's worth, I wouldn't have traded this week for the world."

His strong arm pulled me up to a standing position and guided me back to the tram. I kept my face lowered to hide how puffy my eyes were. I mentally and physically felt like I was descending along with the tram. In less than twenty-four hours, this G.o.d forsaken nightmare would be over. We drove back without saying a word and crawled into bed, still not speaking. I didn't take off my clothes, and for the first time, fell into the void without a struggle. I could feel Shepard trying to pull me out of the nightmares, but I couldn't fully wake up.

When I finally stirred in the morning, I could tell he had not slept. Deep circles rested under his eyes with a sadness I had never seen before. The light in his eyes was gone; all that remained was a sh.e.l.l. I wasn't hungry, so I took a shower and put on my suit and heels. I felt strange, leaving the hotel so dressed up, but it didn't matter. I stopped in the parking lot for a moment, taking in the beauty one last time, grateful for such an amazing day. After snapping on the seatbelts, we both tilted our heads in the seat as we faced each other. I couldn't stop my lip from quivering. He tried to smile and pretended to pull it off his face and hand it to me, but I shook my head back and forth.

"Keep your smile, you deserve it."

Shepard bit his lip to stop what was coming up from inside of him. The veins in his eyes thickened, making them red and gla.s.sy. His hand went up to gently thumb away the tears that were falling down my face.

With a cracked voice he made his request, "Please don't leave me again, Violet."

Chapter 37 - The Rabbit Hole.

The secretary guided me about halfway into the small office that looked east towards the Alps. I turned around one last time to see Shepard looking at me with both fear and horror at the door that was about to separate us. Once again, he had to suffer through a situation in which he had no control, yet he would deem it to be his own fault. I wanted to believe that he had been stronger than I had been and moved on...that he had found a lovely woman and had beautiful children...that he was happy. The man I was walking away from was far from that.

I wanted nothing more than to turn around and run into his arms and run away, to tell him how much I loved him and how sorry I was for everything. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. Becoming distracted by the dust particles that floated in the sunlight, falling slowly around me, I wished they were snowflakes like the ones at Fountain Square back in Cincinnati, when Shepard and I danced to a tune he hummed softly in my ear. I closed my eyes and wandered to that place.

The door clicked shut, bringing me back to the present.

"h.e.l.lo, Ms. Phillips." The chair turned slowly around, putting me face to face with the man who brought me halfway across the world.

"It's Doctor Phillips." My voice was curter than I intended.

"Of course, I was there when you graduated. How I wish I could have come to congratulate you myself, but you understand. Please be seated."

I sat reluctantly in the stiff leather chair. Folding my arms tightly across my chest, I was suddenly freezing. He reached down into his bottom drawer and removed a tall bottle full of amber hued liquid, then two old cream-colored coffee mugs. My teeth felt as though they would crack under the pressure of grinding them so tightly.

With a single look he knew I was falling apart and would shatter with one false move. He remained quiet as he poured into the mugs and scooted one towards me. "Drink this so we can talk. I can't afford to have you as wound up as you are right now."

Knocking back the harsh spirit quickly, I scooted my cup back for more. Without hesitation, he poured me two fingers worth, then set the bottle next to me. I didn't have to see the label to know what it was. It was the same bottle I had purchased nearly seven years ago. Back then, Jack and I had been asked to search the lab for anything that was missing; it was not lost on me that these very items had vanished. I knew this day would come.

"Violet, before I start, I have one question for you. If I told you what you were going to have to go through, would you have done it?"

He knew the answer. Who in their right mind would purposely endure suffering in order to save so many? If I knew what this would have cost me, there was no way in h.e.l.l I would have done it.

"Why me?" The question came out low through clenched teeth. I wanted to scream and lash out angrily, but remained unable to move. The tendons in my body threatened to snap at any moment; the liquor wasn't kicking in fast enough.

"Violet, you were the only one...I knew who you were before I found you. Trials either make people stronger or tear them apart. For everything that has happened to you, you still manage to love. I believed in you, and I still do. I know you think I left you, but I have always been there, even though you couldn't see me. I have sent people to watch over you. Unfortunately, things happened that were beyond my control."

My eyes felt like acid was poured onto them, the heat searing from behind. The last of my chains were being broken off as I faced this painful truth about my life. He took the mug out of my shaking hand and placed it on the desk before pulling me into his arms.

I stifled the wailing so as to not frighten anyone in the office. My sorrow came out in deep heavy breaths. I could feel the Doc tremble as he held me tightly, the stormy seas of emotion sweeping through the room.

"It's almost over, Violet. Hold on, don't let go. You're almost there. I am here now; you are not alone anymore."

His hushed voice washed over me, silencing the madness that loneliness created.

"Violet, he doesn't know."

Shepard.

Looking up at him confused, I was still too shaken to understand. "Doc, he works for you, how does he not know?"

"He knows me as Balashov. He believes he has been tasked with recruiting you to work for me. That's why you're here, remember?" Laughing lightly before continuing, he knew my neural processes were not working effectively at the moment.

"It's a beautiful day; we need to walk, and you need some air. Let's go down to the river for a while. Go into the washroom and get cleaned up, so as to not distress the poor man. I will tell him I wish to take you around Bern, and will return in a while. He will be pleased by this. Remember, he is my employee, not my friend. He knows nothing a do you understand?"

Nodding in agreement, I went through the motions of what was taking place. The small lavatory in his office was nothing more than a toilet and small sink. My reflection was once again a stranger, yet not one I feared. The woman staring back at me was someone I always hoped existed. She was strong, resilient, and loved. For the first time in a while my heart held the seed of something long forgotten. Hope. Hope for a future, and a life. Hope to truly be loved and love equally in return. Hope that the past six years of h.e.l.l had been worth it.

Shepard was standing in the seating area outside of the office, talking to the Doc, buoyant at the news he was receiving. He was getting the same thing I was: hope. His eyes sparkled as they took me in.

"Shall we?" The Doc raised his elbow for me to loop through.

With a smile, I gently grasped the crook of his arm and started to walk towards the elevator, then stopped when I heard Shepard call after me.