Guarding Raine Part 38

You're facing your fears.

That's what strong people do, Raine.

They admit to them and go on from there.

There aren't many people who could go through what you did and still

accomplish what you have.

" " You don't know," she whispered rawly. " You don't know how many times I was weak.

How many times I took the easy way out.

" " You kept trying, that's all that counts.

And you succeeded.

" She gave a short laugh. " You want to know how strong I was, Macauley?

" Self-mockery laced her voice. " You want to know what a fighter I

was?

I' tried to pretend everything was back to normal, to do what was expected of me.

But no matter how hard I worked, I couldn't put my life back together.

My family thought I was doing so well.

But I'd become real good at pretending.

And three days after my sixteenth birthday I swallowed a bottle of my mother's pain pills.

" Her voice was shaky. " That's what real heroes do, right?Take the coward's way out.Escape the pain." She took a shuddering breath and looked at him. His face hadn't changed, and he hadn't pulled back. She noticed for the first time that both of her hands were held in his. She hadn't shocked him or disgusted him. Nor was his look pitying. He hurt for her, and heseemed to understand her pain and the long journey back from it in away she didn't question. " My father finally realized that he wasn'tgoing to be able to make things all right by ignoring them.

I started to see a therapist, and she showed me how to use my artistic talent as a therapeutic release.

" " The pictures in the bedroom?

" She nodded. " I keep them to remind me of how far I've come.

And of how much further I have to go.

" " Just how far do you think you have to go?

" he asked, his voice rough. " Give yourself a break.

You've experienced more than some people have to in an entire lifetime, and you, re one of the most well-adjusted people I know.

" The corner of his mouth pulled up wryly. " You can even put up with

a war-weary bodyguard with no sense of humor.

Not everybody could.

" " I had to start confronting my fears.

I couldn't go through life letting them cripple me anymore.

And things are okay.

I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to walk down a street at night

whistling joyfully, but I'm coping with my fear of the dark.

" The next words were harder, but she knew they had to be said. " I

haven't always been fair to the people who have helped me along the way, Ma-cauley.

I had a couple of boyfriends since.

the rape.

" She hesitated, unable to explain how carefully she'd entered into the

relations.h.i.+ps, how long it had taken her to learn to trust each manenough to be alone with him, not to mention being intimate. They'dbeen little more experienced than she, and she could see now that thathad been part of the reason she'd chosen them. " I met them in college," she continued, gazing into the dusk reflectively. " I dated' the last one two years before I finally broke it off.

" Her voice was mocking. " It had finally occurred to me, you see,that it might be a tad bit unfair to him to be little more than asignpost on Raine's road to emotional recovery.

He was very hurt, and I was never able to fully explain it to him. I had a hard enough time understanding it myself.

" He understood what she was telling him, but everything inside himrejected having that interpretation placed on their own relations.h.i.+p.He cupped her jaw in one hard hand, turning her face to his. One thumb raised her chin, and his face was very close to her own when hemuttered fiercely, " That's not how it was with me-.

" She read the savage certainty in his expression and couldn't deny hiswords. " No," she whispered, trapped in the intensity of his gaze. " I know that," he muttered. " You responded to me too freely, holdingnothing back.

There were no ghosts between us, Raine, and I sure as h.e.l.l wasn't anexperiment with you.

" . She shook her head blindly and returned the fierce kiss he pressedagainst her lips. He was right, of course; he was tOO experienced notto recognize it. And knowing what he did about her, surely he wouldguess just how deeply her feelings for him ran. Breaking off the kiss,he whisl~ered against her lips " And your other fears?

" he asked rawly. " The nightmares?

" " They don't come as frequently as they used to," she said simply. " Usually a stress or of Some kind brings them on.

But I've learned how to get through them, too.

" He put his arm around ~her narrow shoulders and pulled her close, hischest tight. He'd seen that kind of bravery before in the service.Trey had shown it when he'd pulled him out of the ruins of the hotel inCentral America, others when they'd fought for their families, theircountries. But this woman could teach the most dee orated hero a lesson, She'd been through h.e.l.l, but she'd fought herself free. She could have remained sheltered and protected foe the rest of her life.Her father would have seen to it, and n.o.body could have blamed her forseeking that for herself. But instead she'd chosen to confront life head-on, facing down fears the way soldiers faced the enemy. Exceptthat she'd been emotionally unarmed, and vulnerable. And, for the mostpart, she'd done it alone. No wonder she seemed to have the wisdom of an ancient scribe at times. And it was no wonder she was able to see so clearly into his own battle-scarred soul. Such courage filled himwith awe.

And something else. An emotion he couldn't, wouldn't name. They satand watched the dusk turn into night. When Mac spoke again, his voicewas quiet.

" Have you ever tried self-defense courses?

The lessons might give you a feeling of safety.

" " I went to a few a couple of years ago," she answered. " I couldn't.

the instructor was showing us how to get away from an attacker.

He put his arm around each student's neck from behind.

We were supposed to use what he'd taught us to strike out and twist away.

But when it was.

my turn.

I panicked.

" More than panKy lie Brant 137 icked, she remembered uncomfortably.She'd embarra.s.sed herself and the instructor with her reaction. She'd never gone back. Another failure that pointed out just how far she'dyet to go. But then she remembered the day not long ago when a man hadbeen behind her, when he'd touched her and the usual reaction had beensuppressed. She looked at him. " You might be able to teach me," shesaid consideringly. " Me?

" " That day, in the studio.

" Her voice dropped to almost a whisper. " You ma.s.saged my back.

" " I remember.

" His voice was hoa.r.s.e. Touching her had been totally out of line andcompletely out of character for him. But his hands had acted without permission from his mind. " You didn't panic then, did you?

" " No," she replied softly. " I started to, all the old reactionswere there, but it didn't happen.

" Her hand went to his face and she cupped his scratchy jaw. " That's when I knew," she whispered achingly. " I didn't understand why youhad such an effect on me, Macauley.

But I'm beginning to realize its something neither of us can control.

I react to you in a whole new way.

And I think if you were truthful with yourself, you'd admit that Ihave the same effect on you:" Mac's eyes were gritty from lack ofsleep. They'd stayed on the porch late last night, late enough forRaine to fall asleep.

He'd sat there for an even longer time, one arm wrapped around her,keeping her head pillowed against his chest. He'd carried her upstairssometime during the night and put her to bed. After he'd pulled hershoes and socks off he'd stood there indecisively. Figuring shewouldn't want to sleep in her clothes, he'd stripped off her jeans andT-s.h.i.+rt. The sight of her clad in only her silky underthings had senthim fleeing from the. room And kept him awake most of the night. He needed to take a shower, but instead he went to the kitchen and pouredhimself a cup of coffee. He'd put the machine on a couple hours agowhen he'd started working in the office, and it looked like he'd haveto make a second batch, since he'd drunk most of this one. He rinsed out the pot and started another. It would be ready by the time Rainewoke. He didn't think she'd appreciate his original strong black brew anyway.

A knock sounded at the front door, and he strode to answer it. " Detective Ramirez.

" He stepped aside, allowing the man to enter. " Come on in.

" " Mr. O'Neill.

" The man nodded in greeting. " Sorry to hear there's been moretrouble.

" The detective was short and wiry, with jet black hair worn slickedback and a small, neat mustache. " How's Miss Michaels holding up?

" " Better than she has a right to.

The letter is in here.

" He led the man into the office, to his desk. " It hasn't been handled since it reached the house," he said. " Maybe you'll find afingerprint.

" " We'd have to get real lucky," the detective said cynically. " We didn't get one clear print from any of the others.

" He studied the letter and the envelope for a second, then, lookingup, he asked, " Is Miss Michaels around?

I'd like to ask her a couple of questions.

" " I'll get her," Mac answered. He looked in the kitchen, and notfinding Raine, went upstairs and tried her studio. But that room was empty, as well.

Moving quietly, he went down the hallway to her bedroom, easing thedoor open. If she was still sleeping, he wasn't going to wake her, nomatter what the detective wanted. Her bed was empty. Growing a littlealarmed, he strode out of the room to the bathroom. " Raine?

" He rapped at the door. " Rainel" The doork.n.o.b turned under his hand and he pushed the door open, confronting a very startled and very naked Raine.

She'd obviously just stepped out of the shower, and water trickled downher body in tiny rivulets. Her hand was frozen in midair, as if she'dbeen reaching for a towel when he'd walked in on her. He stepped intothe room without conscious volition and swung the door shut behind him.His throat closed at the sight she made. He hadn't had a chance to really look at her the night they'd spent together, but the sunlightwas streaming through the window, and every lovely inch of her was.e.xposed. His eyes took immediate, greedy advantage. Her b.r.e.a.s.t.s were high, as his hands had remembered, the mounds exquisitely formed. Theyhad the delicate shadings of the inside of a seash.e.l.l, all creamy whiteand coral. Her nipples were small and pink. They tautened under hisperusal, and his loins tightened in recognition of her response. His eyes dipped lower, tracing each delicate rib, the sweet indentation ofher waist and the curve of her hips. Her pelvis was narrow, and hewondered how she had accommodated him. She looked too fragile to layunder a man and accept him fully, but he remembered in sensual detailhow she had. The dark triangle between her legs held a hint ofmystery. Her legs were shapely and slim, ending in delicate anklesthat he knew he could bracelet with two fingers. His eyes moved slowlyupward again, as if involved in the tactile exploration he 5vas longingfor. " Macauley?

" Her voice was trembling, aching. He stepped behind her then, pickingup the towel. Slowly he wrapped it around her b~k, both hands keepinghold 0f the ends. His eyes met hers in the mirror before them as heslowly dried her. Her breath came in little gusts, and she leanedagainst his chest. Her eyes never left his in the mirror, and he couldread her response in the way ~he trembled under his hands. He went down on his knees, dragging the towel down her body to catch the tinyrivers on her skin before they-reached the floor. Rising again, hewrapped the towel around her, tucking the ends together over herbreast. His hands didn't leave then, and he moved closer, giving in tothe temptation to bury his face at her neck. Her throat arched to him,and she gave a little gasp at the sharp, stinging kiss he placed there." Macauley"' she moaned.