Guarding Raine Part 43

She knew it had been something much less for him, but she had to face,

at least, what she was feeling.

She'd wondered why this man had had such an effect on her, why he could

circ.u.mvent her customary reactions on all fronts.

Now she had to face the reason.

She was in love with Macauley O'Neill.

The acknowledgment brought more pain than joy.

Because she already knew that the gift of her love couldn't be offered

to him.

It wouldn't be something that would elicit a like emotion.

Instead, it would cause him guilt and regret.

She didn't want to lay that burden on him, didn't want to add to the

load of conscience he was already struggling under.

She climbed the porch steps.

Mae was standing in the doorway, but he stood aside to let her by.

She hurt with a curious kind of pain thinking of his touch a few

minutes ago.

Knowing he was pretending hadn't diminished the pleasure, and that made

her feel naive and foolish.

She said nothing, and headed up the hallway stairs.

"Wait,"

he commanded.

She stopped and turned inquiringly.

"I didn't hear the' whole conversation, but she seemed to be grilling

you pretty good. What did you tell her?"

"Don't worry,"

she said, her voice stinging.

"She'd already jumped to the wrong conclusion and your little act wasvery convincing, Your talents are wasted' in 'security. You ought tobe on stage."

"Raine."

"What? Don't think I didn't appreciate your efforts on my behalf,because it was an effort, wasn't it? I hope you won't be called onagain for a repeat performance. I don't know what the big deal is, anyway. Why can't I tell my friends that you were also hired as abodyguard? What do you hope to gain by keeping that secret?"

"The element of surprise."

She rolled her eyes.

"That sounds like something important in tactical warfare, but oflittle real value in this instance. I've told you, my friends are notinvolved in these threats. You don't really expect me to believe thatone of them tried to kill me, do you?"

Her voice held a dare, and a note of vulnerability.

He chose his words carefully.

"The fewer people who know I'm here, the better. If the hara.s.ser thinks you're alone, and vulnerable, he might make a mistake. And if he does, I'll be here to nail him."

Her 0my response was a long, cool look.

He strode forward and snared her wrist when she would have-turned and continued up the stairs.

Something about the set of those narrow shoulders provoked a reactionfrom him.

"Don't turn your back on me, dam reit You want to know about effort?You want to see pretense?"

His words were edged in steel.

"It's an effort every d.a.m.n minute, being in this house and not touchingyou again. Knowing just how big a jerk I was to ever lay. a hand on you that night doesn't keep me from wanting more. Taking more. So don't talk to me about pretending. Lady, I'm acting for all I'm worth,and the act is wearing d.a.m.n thin."

His jaw was tight with emotion, and more than anything she wanted tocradle it in her hand.

"You don't have to,"

she said achingly.

"I'm right here. You don't have to be n.o.ble. Just reach out and take what you want."

He dropped her hand.

"I can't do that."

His voice was bleak.

"I don't have the right."

His words made her angry.

"Forget rights, Macauley! You don't have to earn happiness, it justis! But you do have to reach out and take it when you have the chance,because it doesn't happen by every other minute. Don't throw it away."

Don't throw me away, she cried silently.

"I've done a lot of things in my life,"

he replied.

"My father. could see what was happening to me long before I realizedit myself. He tried to tell me. often enough.

"Son," he'd say;, 'that job is eating you alive, from the inside out. "And he was right. I lost the capacity to tell which decisions-wereright because they were my job, and which were right because they were.But I know that walking away from you when this is over is right,because I don't deserve someone like you. You've had too much unhappiness in your life already, and I'll be d.a.m.ned if I'll add abroken-down soldier with an iced-over soul to your list. You can't fix what's broken inside me. You're good, honey, but even you aren't thatgood."

"No, I can't fix what's wrong,"

she agreed.

"You have to do that. But what's the matter with my being by your sidewhile you heal? No one knows better than I do how good it would feelto reach out during that time for someone standing with you."

"I can't ask that of you,"

he said, his voice flat.

"And I won't. I have a little self-respect left."

d.a.m.n little, he could have added as he turned and strode away from her,

away from temptation.

Just enough to remind himself that the second-best thing he could do for Raine Michaels was to stay as far away from her as possible.

The first was to keep her alive.

"I need some background checks done,"

Mac informed Trey.

The two were sitting in front of Mac's desk, sipping beers.

"Do we have anyone free?"

"Only me."

"You'll do."

"Gee, thanks,"

Trey said mockingly.

"Your confidence is inspiring."

A quick grin flitted across Mac's face.

"What can I say? I taught you all you know."

"My eternal grat.i.tude for that two-minute lesson,"