Forever Alexa Part 23

She looked away, wanting the serious moment to pa.s.s, hoping to keep things light.

"I want you back, Alex." He skimmed her jaw with his thumb. "I want you and Olivia the way we should have been all along."

His words shocked her as she stared into the intensity of Jack's blue eyes. Her heart pounded as fear and want left her paralyzed. For years she'd dreamed of hearing Jack say those words. Now that he had, she was terrified. "This is too much." She pushed at his chest, trying to free herself. "I can't think about this right now. We can't go back, Jack." She pushed again, but he held her still.

"I don't want to go back. I want to move forward."

She closed her eyes and fisted her hands tight. "Please stop."

"I can't."

She shoved again. "I don't want to talk about this."

"We need to. I wasn't going to push. I was going to give you time, but now that we're here. Now that we're laying here like this-"

"No."

He took her hands and pulled them over her head, trapping her more fully against him. "Maybe this isn't fair-"

"When was it ever fair?" she hissed, struggling to free her hands. "You left me. Without any warning you just up and walked away from everything."

"I came back for you," he said in a rush.

She froze. "What?"

"I came back, but you had already moved on."

"I never-what are you talking about?"

"I was miserable without you. I missed you. I needed you. I knew I'd made the biggest mistake of my life, so I went back to try to fix it. I'd a.s.sured myself that if I could make you understand that I was freaked out about the big, bad real world you would forgive me. I wasn't going to leave until I had you back. I pulled into the parking lot across from your dorm and was getting out to find you when you came out from the lobby. You were in your blue coat. You had a white scarf tucked around your neck. You were so f.u.c.king beautiful, and I couldn't get my breath. I was about to yell to you when some guy-I think it was Pete-came up behind you and said something close to your ear. You laughed, your big, loud, throaty laugh it took me months to tease from you, and he grabbed your hand. All I could do was stare. I knew then that we were finished, and I wanted to die right there. I didn't know how I was going to live the rest of my life without you."

He'd come back for her. She squeezed her hands tight against his as she absorbed the heartbreaking truth. If she had looked toward the parking lot or if Jack had hollered before Pete walked up to surprise her, everything could have been different. "Why-why are you telling me this?"

"Because I need you to know."

"There was never anything between Pete and me. He was there for me when I needed a friend. There's never been-there's never been anyone but you."

He frowned. "But I saw-you two were-"

"Friends."

He closed his eyes and rested his forehead on hers, sighing. "All this time. We've wasted so much time. I messed everything up. I ruined us and missed out on my daughter's first years. My G.o.d." He released her hands and pulled away.

She couldn't stand the agony radiating in his voice and from his eyes or the cool emptiness he left behind as he lifted his body from hers. "Stay here." She looped her arms around him. "Lay here with me, Jack."

"I can't."

She kissed him, wanting to take away his pain. "Stay here." Her heart thudded in time with his as their mouths met again. His tongue entwined with hers, and his hands found their way to her hair like they always did. Tender moments pa.s.sed as they offered each other comfort, and he eased back and stared down.

"Stay," she whispered.

Nodding, his breath heated her skin and he moved to her neck, then her collarbone, before he came back for a searing kiss that left her melting.

She skimmed her fingers down his muscular waist, settling them there, reveling in his powerful body covering hers.

Urgent touches replaced gentle caresses as he took her breast in his mouth, and she moaned, clutching at his shoulders. The throb in her center spread through her belly with a liquid pull, and her skin tingled. She knew she should stop him as he moved to feast at her other breast, but she closed her eyes and surrendered to the pleasure he brought her instead.

"I love the way you feel, Alex. I love the way you taste." He reached down, teasing aroused skin, and groaned as she whimpered. "G.o.d, you're so wet. I have to have you. I have to be with you," he shuddered out through quaking breaths.

She did nothing to stop him as he pushed himself into her. She gripped his shoulders, crying out. Finally. Finally... Her body moved with his in a dance they'd mastered long ago. This was all she wanted-Jack moving with her, inside of her, making her feel what she hadn't since the last time. They were playing with fire with their lack of precautions, but she no longer cared about responsibility as they both climbed higher and higher. He moved faster, and his breathing grew shallow as he teetered on the edge.

She arched her hips higher, taking him deeper as he held her gaze, shuddering with his powerful movements. He thrust once, twice more, and came with a deep groan. Alexa followed, clutching at Jack's shoulders, stunned by the currents of pleasure coursing through her center as he held her captive with his bold blue eyes.

Moments pa.s.sed. They continued to stare as their heart rates steadied. "I've wanted this," he whispered while he combed his fingers through her hair. "I've wanted you just like this for too d.a.m.n long."

She smiled, still holding him tight.

"This was right, Alex. Making love with you again was exactly right."

She wanted to regret the last hour, but she didn't. Even with the new complications this would surely bring, this was the first time she felt truly settled since he'd walked away. Just for a little while, she would let herself enjoy it. She smiled again as she skimmed her finger along his ear. "Yes, this was right."

He touched his lips to hers. "I meant what I said. I want you back. I want you and Olivia to come home with me. If we just made another baby, I won't be sorry."

Her smile vanished as the easy moment disappeared and her fear came rus.h.i.+ng back with a vengeance. "No. This is moving too fast. You aren't giving me time to catch up. Livy and I live here, Jack. We have a house here. My job is here. One evening of pa.s.sion doesn't change that."

"I have a home for us. We can find you a new job. There's an elementary school right down the street. Or you can stay home if you want. Ethan pays me well."

"I can't think about this right now-babies, taking Livy away from the only home she's ever known. I like being with you, I miss being with you, but we need to take this one step at a time."

"I think we're several steps behind. Livy will be happy living wherever you are. I want my daughter in my life, not just on school vacations and holidays. I want her with me every day. She told me she loved me last night. I taught her how to fish, and she told me she loved me. Now that I have her, I can't live without her."

She knew this was bound to come up sooner or later, she just hadn't planned on it being while Jack was still nestled inside of her. "I think-"

"I still love you, Alex."

Her mind blanked as his declaration sank in. "No. No, Jack." She pushed at his chest, much harder than before. "Let me up. I need to get up right now."

He cupped her face in his hands. "I made a mistake. I made the biggest mistake of my life the day I walked away from you."

"Jack, please let me go."

He moved so that she could free herself. Her fingers shook as she yanked her s.h.i.+rt over her head and pulled on her shorts. She was completely unprepared for this conversation. She'd always loved him, but that didn't change the way they had ended. "You can't expect me to alter my whole life because of, because of this." She made a sweeping motion with her hand. "We had s.e.x, and now you want to live together and make more babies?" She shoved her hair behind her ear. "I can't-this is completely-" She huffed out a breath, frustrated by her jumbled thoughts.

"Alex, I just came in you. That's a big deal. There are consequences."

"I'm very aware. That wasn't our best idea. I won't lie and say I regret it. I'm far enough along in my cycle that we should be okay, but it can't happen again."

"I agree-one hundred percent. My goal isn't to trap you into something by getting you pregnant again. I don't want you thinking that."

"I don't."

"Good. But in the interest of full disclosure, I do want more Livy's running around."

"No more. I can't do this." She snapped the blanket up in her panic as he stood. "I can't do this," she repeated as she folded the soft fleece.

"You had to know I still have feelings for you."

"Yes, I suppose I did. But love... I just-G.o.d."

"Why is that so hard to wrap your mind around?" He grabbed his boxers, pulled them on, and pulled up his jeans.

"Mommy?" Livy called. "Mommy?"

"I'm right here, sweetie." She hurried through the door toward their daughter's panicked voice. "It's okay, honey."

"The light's off. It's scary."

Alexa gathered Livy close as Jack switched on the dim light on the side table. "There you go, sweetie. It's not so scary now." She kissed her little girl's forehead. "Let's lay back down."

Jack appeared in the doorway of the sitting area.

"Daddy, I want you." Livy held her hands up for him.

He sat on the edge of the bed, and Livy crawled in his lap. "I'm scared. The monsters are going to get me."

"There aren't any monsters, Liv." He enveloped her in a hug, and Livy clung to him.

"They live in the closet."

Alexa rolled her eyes, still fully regretting the day she let Livy watch that supposedly friendly monster movie. "Sweetie, remember, there are no such thing as monsters. The monsters in the movie were nice."

Livy buried her face against Jack's naked chest.

He looked at Alexa as he rubbed a soothing hand over Livy's back.

"We watched a movie that was supposed to be for kids her age. She's been terrified of the dark ever since. Livy, why don't we snuggle up and get a little more rest?"

Livy tightened her grip around Jack. "I want daddy. Daddy will keep the monsters away."

"I'll lay with her for a few minutes."

Alexa nodded. This was another moment Jack and Livy had every right to. Livy deserved to know the comfort of her father chasing the monsters away.

"Come on, let's go back to sleep for a while." He lay down and settled Livy in the crook of his arm. "Close your eyes, Liv. Daddy won't let anything hurt you."

"Okay, daddy. I want mommy too. Lay with me too, mommy."

Alexa hesitated for a moment, wanting to give Jack and Livy this time, but their little girl was pale with terror. "Of course, sweetheart." She crawled to the center of the bed and lay down on her side, stroking her daughter's cheek. "Go to sleep, Lovely Livy. Mommy and Daddy are right here."

"Closer, mommy. I'm so scared."

Alexa scooted forward until her knees touched Jack's, and they coc.o.o.ned their exhausted, terrified baby between them. She reached for the sheet and pulled it over all three of them. "Think of good thoughts, Livy. Think of driving the boat with Grampy or playing with your new dollhouse or fis.h.i.+ng with Daddy," she whispered.

Livy's eyelids drooped. "I caught a fishy. The cheese is stinky," she slurred.

Jack grinned. "We used bleu cheese for bait," he said softly.

Alexa smiled. "Pew."

His grin widened. "That's what Liv said." His smiled disappeared as he stared into her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Jack, I-"

"I'm sorry this is the first time I've been here to comfort our daughter in the middle of the night."

She closed her eyes, unable to handle the regret in his voice.

"I'm so d.a.m.n sorry I walked away from you and left you to do this by yourself."

She met his gaze again. "You didn't know, Jack."

"But I would have if I hadn't been so stupid. I've regretted it every single day."

"Why? Why did you do it?" The question she'd longed to ask since that cold night in February slipped out before she could stop herself.

"Because I was overwhelmed and afraid, which doesn't make any sense." He reached out and brushed the hair back from her temple. "That night... I was freaking out. I'd pulled a gun on a robbery suspect for the first time, and it scared the s.h.i.+t out of me. I still can't figure out why I thought pus.h.i.+ng you away was the best way to deal with it."

They continued to stare at each other, blinking in the moonlight. "I don't know what to say. I don't know what to think or feel. I would've helped you."

"I've been p.i.s.sed at myself for four years. I never got you out of my head, Alex. You've haunted me. That laugh, those eyes. I ended up leaving the force after a while, because I couldn't stand knowing you were two hours away and no longer mine. I felt like I was dying a slow, painful death. Dad knew someone who knew somebody out in LA who was hiring for some bodyguard firm. He encouraged me to give it a try, to get the h.e.l.l out of here and get on with my life. Ethan hired me, and I dove into my job. I went to Europe for a while and worked my a.s.s off to become one of the best in my field, but no matter where I went, no matter what time of day or night, I couldn't leave you behind."

"What about Evelyn?"

"She was my attempt at moving on. She loved me, and I wanted to love her. I tried to love her, but she wasn't you."

She captured his hand and pressed his palm to her cheek. They'd lost out on so much. "I'm scared. I'm scared to let myself feel again."

"What can I do? What can I do to show you how much I love you?"

Hearing Jack say that again brought her as much joy as terror. She'd learned to live her life without him. She'd found a way to move on and make a home for herself and her daughter. How could she just hand him her heart again? "Let me breathe for a while. There's so much going on. I can't think about my future, or Livy's or much of anything else until Abby comes home."

"Okay." He looked down at Livy and kissed her nose. "Will she be all right? She was so afraid."

"Yes. Now that she's snuggled up with you, she'll sleep just fine."

He yawned. "We both need to get some rest. I'm not sure what you want me to do here."

"Close your eyes." He wanted it all, but this was what she could give him for now.