Gypsy Kiss: Micah Part 40

"They gave me and the others a warning, and a dressing down for trying to take the law into our own hands." He rolled his eyes when he said that. "But I had to do something. And ya know, it was worth it, it was all worth it cause he's paid now and it's over. You uh...you and Mari shouldn't have called the police in, we were gonna handle it. He could have seriously hurt you. f.u.c.k he nearly killed you. Why did you?"

I narrowed my eyes, feeling anger setting in, in spite of myself. "Why? That man, he murdered your brother, and he could have done the same to you."

"I don't really..."

"What? Care? Do you care about me, Micah?"

He flinched at that and nodded, his expression suggesting I shouldn't need to ask. "You know I do, Jewls. Why are you being so...off with me? You know now that I didn't mean what I said to you, that I needed him to believe it was all real, that we were done. He needed to believe it, and for that to happen, you needed to believe it. You do realise that, right?"

"Yeah..." Well, now I did. It was good to hear it I guess.

"Why are you so mad at me?"

The first of my tears had begun to fall and I made no attempt to hide them. I wanted him to see, see how much he had hurt me.

"The very fact that you have to ask that, confirms for me what I think I've known for a while now. Me and you, Micah...what we had, that connection...it's gone, isn't it? You used to make me feel safe, secure and loved. And that wasn't something that came to me easily. I put my trust in you, and you literally threw me to the wolves the wolf. He could have killed me last night, and yes, you saved my life. And believe me; I will be eternally grateful for that and for what you tried to do. But...you sent me to him in the first place, so you could get your revenge. The whole thing was set up, not to stop me leaving with him, not even to rescue me from him...but just for your revenge. Not one bit about it was for me, or about me."

"Jewls, I'm sorry if you feel..."

"It's not about feeling, it's a fact. You put me in the middle, you used me and you didn't give me a thought in that. It's not just that either...ever since we realised who killed Marco, and why, you know that I've been overwhelmed with guilt. You know I thought you hated me, and you didn't set me straight, Micah. You let me feel that way, alone. You sent me back to a man I told you regularly hit me, raped me and kicked a baby from my belly, to run the risk of him doing all that to me again. The fact that you were willing to do that speaks volumes to me."

The tears were rolling down his cheeks now too as the weight of my words settled on him. "I'm so sorry...I never..."

"I'm not gonna hold it against you; I'm not mad...because I get it. Your loss is...monumental and you can't handle it. But to suggest that now he's dead...all's well that ends well between us, is just absurd. Whatever we had is gone, Micah. And it was never what I thought it was in the first place. I know it probably sounds selfish, but I want to be the centre of someone's world. I deserve that kind of love. You...a part of you will always look at me and think, if she hadn't come along I would still have my brother."

He shook his head erratically. "No. No, you're wrong, Jewls..."

"Am I? I don't think so, or where have you been these last few weeks, huh? You let your family in but me? I get nothing, not even a text to say I don't blame you, I still love you, give me some time. Micah, I want to be the top of someone's list, not an afterthought. And I will not spend my life feeling guilty for things he did. That's not my cross to bear."

I hesitated for a moment and kissed his cheek.

"I will always love you, with every single fibre of my being. And if you could have loved me back with the same force, or even half of that force, we might be holding hands right now ready to move forward together but...you don't and you know it's true. So I'm gonna walk away now, and you're not gonna follow me. And that isn't code for follow me. I truly don't want you to. It's time to let it go and move on. I need to start putting me first. Mrs Right is still out there for you...it's not me. I was never meant for you, I can't believe I ever thought I was. Take care, Micah."

"Jewls..."

I took the engagement ring off my finger and slipped it in his pocket. It was extraordinarily brave and the hardest thing I had ever done. I didn't want to do it. "It's time for you to leave."

He stared at me incredulously, as though unable to believe what I had just done. I couldn't believe it either.

"Jewls, please you don't mean that. We can talk about this right? I love you. I screwed up, I know that. But we can fix this...right?"

I hesitated before saying the words I knew would break me as well as him. "It's too late."

"Jewls, please."

"Do I have to actually throw you out?! Go!"

I leapt off the bed, feeling my head spinning, and opening the door. He sighed in frustration and stepped out and I slammed it shut behind him, turning my back to it. A couple of minutes pa.s.sed and I heard it open again.

"I thought I told you-" I whirled around and stopped when I saw who it was.

"Hi, sweetheart..."

For a moment I couldn't speak at all, and then I managed to get one word out. "Mum..." before I finally broke down, falling into her embrace as she wrapped her arms around me and held me close, letting me cry it out.

Jewls Eventually she pulled me away to look at me, and helped me back to sit on the edge of the bed, sitting beside me.

"I want you to tell me everything. Start with how I had to find all this out in the early hours of the morning from a phone call from the police. Sweetheart, why didn't you tell me? I drove through the night to get here."

"I'm sorry." I sniffed. "It's all such a nightmare!"

"It's okay...I'm here now. Talk to me, please. Yeah?"

I hesitated and nodded slowly. "Yeah..."

Micah I marched out of the hospital, determined not to stop until I was clear of the place. I burst out through the double doors and round the corner before letting out a sharp breath and a few tears.

"Bro...?"

I looked to my left to find Eli standing there, smoking a cigarette. "Eli..."

"What happened?"

"Um...yeah, she threw me out. We're finished."

He considered that, obviously surprised and offered me a cigarette. "Here, looks like you could use one of these."

I let out a deep sigh. "I can't even hold the f.u.c.king thing."

"Here." He lit it for me and stuck it in the corner of my mouth. He never even mentioned the tears in my eyes, and I was grateful. "Tell me exactly what she said. You know she's probably in shock, right?"

"I blew it, Eli. It's as simple as that. I hurt her, more than he ever did. She said nothing about last night was about her, it was just about revenge. And I've left her for weeks feeling guilty, feeling to blame and done nothing to sort that. She's right, bro. I have spectacularly let her down. I hurt her, I used her, I let her down...and she can't forgive me for that. And you know what the worst thing is? I don't blame her one bit, bro. Losing Marco...I wasn't able to think straight. I pushed her away when I should have brought her closer. I left her to deal with Andrew alone and then I deliberately put her in danger. And now...?" I felt proper tears coming now, and I was completely unable to hold them in. "Now...I've lost everything."

He didn't say anything for a moment or two and then he nodded and took the cigarette out of my mouth, throwing it away.

"I'm gonna take you home, bro."

"I don't wanna go home."

"What do you wanna do?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. Actually that's a lie. I want to take myself back to that pier and throw myself off it."

Eli whirled on me at that, which I guess I had known he would. "Don't say that! Don't even think it! Christ this family has lost enough, Micah. We're gonna get you through this. Tell me what you need."

I considered that, wiping my eyes with my sleeve, being mindful of the sensitive, raw skin around my left eye. "I hurt my hands when I pulled Jewls up. They said I uh...popped some of the blisters. They hurt like a motherf.u.c.ker. What I need? Is alcohol. I need you to take me to the shop and buy me a big, big bottle of whiskey and help me drink it."

"Well that's all well and good bro, but it's what, eight in the morning? And you can't drink on the medication you're on, bro."

"Either you take me and help me drink it, or I go on my own, buy a big bottle of whiskey, maybe a crate of beer and some vodka, and I'll take it down the pier and drink it all. Your choice, Eli."

He stopped, as though pondering his options and it was his turn to sigh. "I got an old, expensive bottle of whiskey at my house. The kids are at Lisa's parents' house for the weekend. Come on."

Jewls I told mum everything and she sat there and let me get it all out. Eventually I simply ran out of breath, stopped and waited for her verdict.

"Oh love..." she muttered. "Are you sure it's over with Micah?"

I nodded sadly. "I'm sure. It's gone too far, there's too much...distance between us. Too much hurt, on both sides, for different reasons. I will always look at him and feel guilty, and he will always look at me and blame me."

"I'm sure he doesn't blame you, sweetheart. He's hurting, his loss is monumental. I don't know how he's even still standing. He lost the other half of himself. I understand your reasons, I do. Believe me. But all I'm saying is, is now a good time to make such a huge decision, while emotions are so high? You forget I've seen pictures of you two together. I could see plain as day the love there. I thought you had found your soulmate."

"I did."

"So...don't let him go."

"I didn't, mum. He left me. Left me high and dry."

She thought about that and sighed. "If Andrew hadn't come along, if Marco hadn't died, or it had nothing to do with Andrew...would you let Micah slip away?"

"If none of that had happened, he wouldn't be slipping away, mum." I countered. "But it has happened, all of it, and the damage? It's too much to fix."

She sighed again and shook her head. "What are you gonna do? It's not going to be easy, especially when you're back working at the park in the spring? And living so close by."

"I know...I don't know...maybe I should move on."

She frowned and shook her head. "Move on where? What are you talking about?"

"I can't stay here, not anymore!"

"Why not? Jewls, what are you not telling me?"

"I'm-" I managed to stop short of saying pregnant, and mentally corrected myself, "the doctor thinks I might be..."

"What? Are you sick?"

"No..." I closed my eyes, feeling myself shaking violently, afraid to say the word, afraid not to. I took a deep breath and decided just to say it. If I couldn't confide in my own mother, who could I confide in? "Pregnant."

She raised her eyebrows and sat back in shock. "Oh...you don't think so?"

"I don't see how...you know with the whole...they told me years ago; forget about it, it won't happen."

"What makes the doctor think you're pregnant?"

"A blood test says I am."

She smiled at that. "Baby, that's pretty conclusive. Do you know how pregnant?"

I shrugged. "They're gonna do a scan shortly."

Her smile broadened. "Can I sit in?"

I shrugged half-heartedly. Suddenly all I wanted to do was sleep. "Okay."

"Does Micah know?"

"No..."

"Don't you think he should? This could be the thing that...fixes you both."

I nodded erratically, realising vaguely that I was crying again. "Yeah. He would do everything in his power to get us back together. And I would never know for sure...whether he wanted me, or the baby. It's better for us both to draw a definite line."

"A baby...it blurs that line, Jewls. A baby...links you together forever, you know? You move away sooner or later you still have to tell him, you can't keep something like this to yourself..."

"I know, and I will...later, in a month or two when things aren't so...raw."

Mum got up and paced the room a few times, eventually sitting down in a plastic chair by the bed. "Okay...if you're sure...come home with me. I will help you Jewls, you and the baby. Andrew isn't around to stop you anymore. If you don't feel you can stay here..." she took my hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. "Come home with me."

It took me a while to respond to her, and I don't know why. Because the moment she had said it, I knew it was what I was going to do. That is was the right thing to do. So my answer was a no-brainer.

"Okay..."

Micah Eli's house was not all that far from mine, smaller but smart, cla.s.sy like him with a neat front garden and a huge oak front door. He pulled up onto the drive and shut off the engine with a loud sigh.

"Are you sure you want a drink? If it's just a change of scenery or a little peace...you can just have a lie down, or...or..."

"You said something about a bottle of whiskey?" I interrupted.

He nodded, resigned. "Yeah. Follow me."

We climbed out of the car, and I followed him into the house. Inside was typical Eli. Masculine, neat and thoroughly modern, with the occasional feminine touch and random toy the only things indicating a family lived here.

Lisa came out to us from the kitchen, smiling, but her smile quickly faded as she looked me up and down.

"Hey...Micah...how are you?"

I shrugged. "Mmm...yeah..."

"Micah would like to get drunk, Lisa." Eli said.

"Yeah, but...with the meds-"