Bright Lights, Big Ass Part 28

7 Unless you want to provide me with a ten-week spa pa.s.s, I'm not giving out that number.

8 It totally did.

9 Hotness Potential.

10 d.a.m.n. There goes my lurid donut-eating contest audition fantasy.

11 Indeed I shall be the Biggest Loser for I have been to Office Depot!

12 Rim shot!

13 Wait, what am I asking? Of course they thought my sweater was cute.

14 Despite providing no empirical evidence.

1 I kind of wiped out my whole hard drive when I downloaded a bottlecap-matching game. Whoops.

2 I cannot even begin to describe the horror of this situation so I shall spare you my attempts to do so.

3 And we? Are d.i.c.ks.

4 The first time Fletch met Suz was when she showed up at my place early one morning and needed me to help her find her car. And her pants. G.o.d, I miss her.

5 They aren't.

6 My pork chops kick a.s.s and everyone knows it, so I'm having no part of his slanderous accusations.

7 Mistake.

8 Ma'am, I don't even know your last name. Do not share your bad-touch stories.

9 Obviously.

10 But if there's anything creepier than someone watching you watch TV, I've yet to experience it.

11 The breakfast of champions!

12 You know what comes between me and my Calvins? My dad.

13 When we ask him about this later he says it was worth $50 to get her to stop talking.

14 Shh, don't tell Fletch.

15 All the crazy to be found in New York and Carrie Bradshaw never encountered anything like this? I don't buy it.

16 Which I have since paid back in full, thank you very much.

17 And the Calcutta of our kitchen is no prize, either.

18 I'll take A Cry for Help for $200, Alex.

19 See also Paycheck, Parting With.

20 It's south of the Loop and only about three miles from where we live now. However, Chicago is divided into North Side and South Side. Pretty much no one has ever made the longitudinal switch, so we're hesitant to be the first.

1 Also known as the "West Town" area of the city, or, when we lived there, the West Si-ee-de.

2 Even without the wonky eye, we'd recognize him because he's the only one in our neighborhood who doesn't come in standard squirrel-issue gray.

3 Good-bye, security deposit!

4 I wanted to help get Tracy to rehab; they wanted me to help get Holly evicted. Guess which path I chose?

5 Jen's Budget Homemaking Tip #475: Why purchase flowers when you can steal them from a vacant lot?

6 The extra e is for "emotion."

7 I love you, Mommy. Please don't cut me out of the will.

8 I love me some pink, but mauve is not and never will be the new pink.

9 Because they're busy buying them, but she's too polite to mention this.

10 Jen's Budget Homemaking Tip #567: Costco kicks a.s.s. The only reason they're not part of the new Holy Trinity of shopping is Fletch yells at me every time I buy their cheesecake in bulk.

11 Holding flippers?

12 Or who are delicious. And, on some occasions, stylish.

13 I did try to hop on Fletch's back once we got our own keys and he walked hunched over for the next three days.

14 Now baby soft and completely faded after a hundred was.h.i.+ngs.

1 But really, ice floors would be kind of a b.i.t.c.h to get clean because how would you mop them? You couldn't use hot water. It would be like trying to open a present of wrapping paper-when would you know to stop?

2 Oh, Kirsten! You little minx! Sid Vicious is going to come back from the grave to claim you as his bride!

3 Yes, Scarlett, my dear-it's five coats, four sweaters, and every purse on the page for you!

4 What? You think Superman wouldn't snarl at an unwelcome guest?

5 But, still, Girl Power and all that.

6 I've mentioned I'm a jerk, yes?

7 Another set of the sock monkeys are hand in hand-one's wearing a floral hat and the other's carrying flowers. I believe they are a same-s.e.x couple, but don't find sapphic monkey love to be an appropriate topic of conversation with a virtual stranger, so I don't mention them.

8 And hasn't the poor dear had enough problems lately without adding a public indecency charge?

1 Guy Fawkes was a traitor to the crown and tried to burn down Parliament.

2 Thank you, Mrs. Sweeney!

3 Aluminum foil, BTW.

4 Please, G.o.d.

5 Here's the thing. I love Target; I've made that abundantly clear. But when Target begins to sell "Vote for Pedro" s.h.i.+rts, any hip indie cred you may have once garnered from wearing one is gone.

6 It's a tiny bit bada.s.s, and I find myself wis.h.i.+ng this is that person's own unique style.

7 Note to my brother, Todd: I also have dibs on the Union Jackdraped Royal Doulton bulldogs in the china cabinet. (You can have the big TV-I don't want that monstrosity in my house.) 8 I had mono. Although I wonder who those quacks thought I'd been kissing, anyway-Tommy Lee?

9 Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Please see chapter 6 in Bitter Is the New Black for more details.

10 German death metal, precisely as bad as you'd think.

11 Best. Holiday movie. Ever.

12 Naturally, located in my parents' driveway.

13 Christmas '82.

14 Fourth of July '86.

15 Christmas '97.

16 Thanksgiving '98.

17 Labor Day '99.

18 Our dogs hate my brother's dog and we avoid incidents by keeping them separated.

19 Big Daddy likes to keep the house at a bracing forty-two degrees. The one Christmas the heat went out, we didn't even notice for a couple of days.

1 Last seen strolling hand in hand down Trader Joe's wine aisle, shouting, "h.e.l.l, yes, we need more f.u.c.king Merlot!"

2 I'd like to think my discovery of the dessert aisle at Whole Foods helped propel us, sweaty and jiggling, over the finish line to beat other porky places like Houston and Kansas City.

3 I imagine a bunch of people in Macy's smocks, scratching their heads wondering what happened to my towropes.

4 Oprah's a member!

5 I mean, past the $59/month I pay in dues.

6 You'd think because they know my name, I'd know theirs...yet here we are.

7 Shoot, I'm not even sure what he does for a living.

8 Actually, I'd prefer if he didn't swear. I find profanity unpleasant. Heh, kidding!

9 Who I'm already mentally referring to as "Mary-Kate."

10 Surprisingly good for a fat chick, yay, me!

11 Rather, one of us walks-the other limps.

12 Which is so not fair.

13 b.i.t.c.h has yet to perspire and she's bundled in multiple layers of fleece. I, on the other hand, have stripped off so many items I'm down to sweaty granny panties.

14 I also cried for gla.s.ses of wine, but they were more recreational than medicinal.

15Or, for that matter, lift my leg high enough to kick her in the a.s.s.

1 Although our neighborhood is safe, it's also not stylish, and is therefore ignored by the cab companies. I've already mentally composed twenty scathing letters to Mayor Daley about the situation.

2 A.k.a. "belowdeck."

3 Or Fletch, for that matter.

4 Cubs win!

5 What is it about boats that brings out the bad touch in everyone?

6 b.o.o.bies. Arrgh. What is this, fourth grade?

7 Depths may be plumbed, but not on the lake's floor.

end.