Bright Lights, Big Ass Part 27

8 Yes, yay, me! I was able to do something once in ten years that every other woman in America does on a routine basis without blinking an eye.

9 Two things to note for future reference-sas.h.i.+mi is a terrible drunk food, and if you have to throw up in a public place, there's no finer washroom than the one at the Four Seasons.

1 And I bet it's never taken any of them two hours to go four miles either.

2 There's no specific term for fear of riding the bus, but there totally should be, considering there are words for fear of the Pope (papaphobia), fear of poetry (metrophobia), and fear of string (linonophobia). I mean, come on, fear of string? WTF?

3 Also known as the driver.

4 BTW, Mr. Sports Ill.u.s.trated won't find me the least bit amusing when I suggest, "Next time you do that, you better be tipping!" in an attempt to dissipate the awkwardness.

5 A fantastic tour-$2 admission and all the fresh beer you could drink!

6 But they would be wrong.

7 March 30, 2006-Chicago CTA announces the creation of a new elevated train line, to be called "the Pink Line." You're welcome.

8 Except for shoes and eye shadow, of course. Do not buy purple shoes or eye shadow-am not Tammy Faye Bakker.

9 Non-chick-lit-knowing-about philistines.

10 Including $10 bet.

11 Read hate.

12 Same thing goes for Nancy Pelosi-I'm not so much into her views, but I totally respect her personal style. And we should so nominate her colorist for president.

13 Seriously, if you're going to base a church on science fiction, at least base it on good sci-fi. Like the Holy Temple of The Men in Black with Reverend Will Smith.

14 Sean Hannity, squee!

15 Ann Coulter is living proof that there's such a thing as karma, and sometimes it tastes like coconut cream!

16 That? Was expensive.

1 Apparently you can't call for the death penalty on a simple B&E. Also judges do not appreciate helpful suggestions.

2 Bone spurs and bunions? Yes. But my calves look great as I limp past you.

3 No one's allowed to make up cute little contractions but me.

4 I think it was supposed to be some sort of calzone.

5 This has got to be payback for buying her kids drum sets and cap guns.

6 Because there's no way I physically will.

7 Read ridiculous.

8 Fletch is still allowed to work the grill because the worst he can do out there is burn stuff.

9 Hee-p.o.r.no again.

10 Back in the salad days of our dating life when I thought it was funny for him to ruin our groceries by shaping them into zoo animals.

1 Oh, wait. That last bit is from Independence Day when they bring down all the aliens' s.h.i.+ps. My bad.

2 Some would say it's "The March of the Toreadors" from the opera Carmen. Whatever, you vegans.

3 Played by Vince Vaughn before he got all bloated.

4 FYI, $4.00/word writing jobs for Vogue don't exist, Carrie.

5 I heart you, Kristen Bell.

6 Fifty.

7 Note to self: Add "sit in judgment" to skills list.

8 Sure, I could have caught up with them at the reunion this year, but (a) I had a zit on my neck and (b) I'd gained a ton of weight since my size-five Jordache jeans days. And I wasn't nice enough in high school for either the blemish or the cellulite to be forgiven, so I stayed home.

9 Which is why I fail to see how it's my fault when the shredder catches on fire.

10I told you so, Jimmy Neutron.

11 From Target! I heart you, Isaac Mizrahi.

12 Do not heart you now, Isaac Mizrahi. Would a little bit of cus.h.i.+oning have killed you?

13 Who obviously do not have enough work to do.

1 Thus rendering satisfying eavesdropping completely impossible.

2 Thank G.o.d we don't do triathlons-Fletch's legs would look so much better than mine if he shaved them.

3 We teetered precariously on the edge that time I wrote "a.s.shole" on his arm in self-tanner and he had to wear long-sleeve s.h.i.+rts for a whole week in the middle of summer, prompting him to retaliate by shaving off most of my eyebrow. We called a truce after that, too-no one wanted to lose a tooth. Or worse.

4 Although if you have a trick for putting on lipstick and not steering into a mailbox, I'd certainly like to hear it.

5 A Trixie is a Jetta-driving, PR-job-having, overpaid, Kate Spadecarrying, bleached-toned-and-clueless girl who shares a $2,000 apartment with five of her sorority sisters. (And yes, I used to be one.) (Shut up.) 6 Have I ever mentioned what a poor winner I am?

7 Not.

8 Fine-I mostly listened to Wham! and the Go-Gos, but I totally appreciated the good stuff, too.

9 The upside of a narcissistic personality disorder is you think your own jokes are the funniest in the world.

10 We should totally hold a telathon for him.

11 Years from now, monuments will be built to recognize the genius of Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

12 Also? We grocery shop a lot. No wonder we're fat.

1 Except stupid Brenda Mitch.e.l.l. But more on that b.i.t.c.h in a minute.

2 Except for Jen H., who accused me of sleeping with her boyfriend, which for the record I never, ever did, not once, not even close. Sure, of course I made out with him-he looked just like Christopher Atkins! How do you not kiss Mr. Blue Lagoon, given the opportunity? But no s-e-x. That's for d.a.m.n sure.

3 Until I made out with their boyfriends. What can I say? I was very friendly in college.

4 We were a Good Times household.

5 An Indian word for "Land of Many Strip Malls."

6 I wish this were a euphemism for something really dirty so we don't sound like tremendous nerds. Unfortunately, it's not.

7 Scully and Mulder said I could, so it's not cheating.

8 Polish for "I think you left your lunch on my lawn."

9 I can see how he'd be p.i.s.sed, but, really, she should have thanked me.

10 No bonus points were awarded for gaining a dorsal fin, either.

11 And the b.u.mper of his hybrid electric car.

12 I don't pay our rent in person anymore-I can't keep a straight face.

13 My dog Maisy and niece Sarah appear to be the same size-what better way to check the fit?

14 And current-day temp. Also, I have no idea on the pending fame bit. But since my book doesn't come out 'til next spring, it's not outside the realm of the possible, right?

15 Or possibly for a pina colada, but only if it's made with sweet coconut milk. If I'm going to commit treason, it had better be delicious.

1 I'm reminded of this each time my small-town mother visits and wants to call the police when she hears a car alarm. Although for someone so concerned about grand theft auto, you'd think she wouldn't make a habit of keeping her keys in her unlocked car.

2 Her sweater-wearing teacup terrier, Donatella, s.h.i.+vers in her thousand-dollar carrying bag-strategically placed in its own chair-dying for a bite of the chocolate chip m.u.f.fin his owner has no intention of ingesting.

3 But I ask you, how could the company who created Lucky Charms be evil? Impossible! And magically delicious!

4 Oh, Mr. Knotts. If only you could have lived long enough to make A Few Good Fish-it surely would have been your swan song.

5 I like to keep tabs on what's happening so I can catalog suspicious doings on the Internet.

6 No, scratch that. He was only a year old at the time and likely not yet strong enough to carry heavy amplifiers.

7 Or at least long enough for him to carry in the cat litter.

8 Henceforth known as Captain Whackypants.

9 But he's almost six feet three and I swear it looks good.

10 Actually, I'm not 100 percent sure about Cruella, but she was always surrounded by her toadies, and one of them must have played cabana-boy when the cameras were off, yes?

11 Good thing we got paper towels!

12 Coyotes hate the Gold Coast, a.k.a. "the v.i.a.g.r.a Triangle." Too plastic, too much of a "scene."

13 Now I have big jeans and little hair. And that's bad.

14 Also a problem considering I get skeeved out just flossing my teeth.

1 Baby got back, indeed.

2 Alcohol may have been involved.

3 Slurring may have been involved. And possibly making out.

4 FYI, currently there are over nine million Google entries on Ashlee Simpson. Nietzsche was right: G.o.d is dead. And we killed him with all our Ashlee Freakin' Simpson Google entries.

5 Two of her other habits. (Which are fine because she is a beautiful and loving woman who has never charged me interest on the money I still owe her.) 6 Well-thumbed because it took me two years of carrying it around in my beach bag to finally finish it.

7 Ugly.

8 Annoying.

9 Darling!

10 No, I didn't try to stop him. I figured after living with stupid boys he'd be begging to live in a clean, pretty apartment where the seat was always down and the fridge was always full. (Also, I was a lot cuter than his friend Greg.) He moved in with me a few short months later.

11 I mean, come on-Paris thought they sold walls at Wal-Mart. How do you not watch?

12 If you show up with bad hair, it sets the bar too low. Tress to impress, people.

13 Although my hair still looks really good.

14 Jenilee Harrison.

1 Sometimes with a mouth crammed full of Oreos.

2 His words, not mine. But I like the idea that even my blood kicks a.s.s.

3 I will still swim in Lake Michigan, but I'm generally submerged 90 percent of the time I'm at the beach, so that doesn't count.

4 Fletch? When I tell you I weigh 150 pounds? I lie.

5 Which equals b.i.t.c.h.

6 Sort of.