Bright Lights, Big Ass Part 26

Yeah, I can't believe I was asked back, either.

When Paul called earlier to invite us, I specifically asked Fletch if he was sure I was supposed to come. Fletch said yes, although this is likely only because we were actually taking the boat out and no one would be able to hear me over the roar of the three outboard engines. Also, if I brought up the two-dollar business, I would be summarily tossed overboard without a life jacket.

When we arrive at the boat, I turn down c.o.c.ktails, opting instead for a soda. A few of Fletch's coworkers are there, too, and I'm surprised and pleased at Fletch's skill and grace when acting as first mate. He and Paul easily detach the boat from the dock and soon we're headed for the underpa.s.s that separates the harbor from the lake.

It is the perfect night to be out on the water. Paul says we have maybe ten days like this a year when the lake turns to gla.s.s. There's not a single wave except those we create.

I always thought I was someone who preferred the gentle ch.o.r.eography of sailing to the obvious power of a motor boat. But something strange happens when Paul opens up the engines. As someone with a lifelong fear of motion, I figured I'd be screaming and looking for a seat belt and helmet. But the faster we go, the more exhilarated I am. The wind in my hair is empowering, not terrifying, and the noise coming out of my mouth is laughter.

We head out a couple of miles and the evening is so clear I can see the city all the way south to Indiana and north to where the suburbs begin. The sunset reflects pink and gold off all the skysc.r.a.pers and the horizon is iridescent in the fading light. We roar down the coastline, following the path of Lake Sh.o.r.e Drive, taking in all the sights that make this city so spectacular-the Hanc.o.c.k Center, Buckingham Fountain, Navy Pier, the Sears Tower, the Shedd Aquarium, the Adler Planetarium, and the Field Museum, among others maybe not quite so famous, but still special and unique.

As we roar past, I fall in love with my city all over again. Yes, it's crowded and expensive and full of people who annoy me, but at this s.h.i.+ning moment, I've never seen anything more gorgeous. I realize Chicago's a great city not because it's glamorous, but because it's real. It's full of places where you can be fat and over thirty and still be allowed inside the velvet ropes. People come from all over the world to live here, and each of them fits right in without missing a step. The beauty of this city is not that it's exclusive, but that it's inclusive. And I finally get that when Carl Sandburg calls Chicago the "hog butcher to the world," it's meant as a tribute, not a criticism.

We're out on the water for hours but it's such sensory overload that I don't even realize it's after ten p.m. when we pull back into the slip. I've been a perfectly behaved girl all night and Fletch's boss has finally let his guard down around me again.

As we exit and softly say our good-byes, I realize with the quiet and the audience, now's the perfect opportunity to shake Paul down for my two dollars.

But I don't.

Because I'm not always a big a.s.s.

from the desk of Miss Jennifer A. Lancaster Dear Carrie Bradshaw, To grasp the enormity of what I'm going to tell you, I've got to give you the background. Were you to come into my office right now, you'd see a garbage can overflowing with candy wrappers and Pringles tubes. I haven't been to the gym in a month and am but a Mars Bar away from Muumuu City, all because I've been too involved with writing another book.

My roots are an inch long, my manicure is completely trashed from digging in my garden, and my arms are raked with fresh claw marks from where one of my cats dug in for traction when the alarm clock scared him.

My left side is bruised because I slipped and fell at the grocery store since I'm the kind of dumba.s.s who forgets you shouldn't wear slick flip-flops when it rains, no matter how nicely the plaid ties your pants and s.h.i.+rt together. (My Keebler Mint Creme cookies and pint of heavy cream survived the fall nicely, thank you.) For the piece de resistance, I had a small b.u.mp at the top of my cheekbone and I couldn't leave it alone. A little poke here, a little prod there, lather, rinse, repeat to the point that I've not only gouged a hole in my face, but have also given myself a black eye.

In short, I look like I just stepped off the set of Fat Girl Fight Club.

So naturally I heard from British Cosmopolitan today, wanting to set up a photo shoot to get a picture of me to go along with the article they commissioned from me last month.

When?

The very next day, of course.

The end result is almost exactly what happened to your character in the "They Shoot Single People, Don't They?" episode of s.e.x and the City-looking my very worst in the one place I really wanted to be pretty.

Touche, Miss Bradshaw.

You win this round.

Best, Jen Lancaster

Acknowledgments.

I'd like to acknowledge my husband, Fletch, for allowing me to make our private lives public and also for saying the kind of hilarious stuff I immediately claim as my own. I love you so much that I promise to eat whatever you cook next without complaint...or at least with slightly less b.i.t.c.hing and moaning.

Many thanks go out to my lovely agent and friend, Kate Garrick, as she continues to make the impossible anything but. Without you I'd be trapped in a boardroom somewhere, listening to a jacka.s.s prattle on about mission statements. In short? You (and the rest of DeFiore) rock.

More thanks go out to Kara Cesare at NAL, who would totally win the Best Editor pageant for making me feel like I'm the only author in the world, never hesitating to discuss even the most inane of my concerns. Thanks for always getting it; you're the best!

For Mary Ann Zissimos of Penguin: YES, YOU WERE TOTALLY RIGHT. See? There it is in big letters, to live on in the Library of Congress for eternity. I can never thank you enough for your hard work. (FYI, you've ruined me for every other publicist.) For the rest of the folks at Penguin, sincere thanks and much admiration to Kara Welsh for everything, the art department for the second phenomenal cover in a row, the sales team (I so owe each of you drinks), Lindsay Nouis (and Nindsay Louis, of course), and everyone else who worked so hard to make this a reality.

I must say a special thanks for the support of the booksellers, particularly Barnes & n.o.ble and Borders, for taking a chance on a foulmouthed polar-bear-pajama-wearing n.o.body. I pledge to devote the rest of my life to forcing your cafe campers into actually buying books and snacks. (It's not an ad hoc library, d.a.m.n it!) Much love to my family and pets for endless hours of amus.e.m.e.nt (and material), and big thanks to Mys.p.a.cers Benjamin Kissell, Don Purvis, Sean Faulk, and author Nicole Del Sesto for their invaluable feedback, to Patrick Dester for the subt.i.tle that made me snort coffee, and to Linnea Beasley for, well, everything. It's simply not a party without you.

For Stacey Ballis, Jolene Siana, Martha Kimes, Caprice Crane, Jennifer Weiner, Lori Jakiela, Allison Winn Scotch, Jennifer Coburn, Robert Rave, Karyn Bosnak, Melanie Lynn Hauser, the city of Chicago, and all my neighbors-thanks for inspiring me on a daily basis.

Finally, a million thanks to all the fans out there! I may not be great about returning e-mail, but I promise I pore over every word you're kind enough to share with me. For each of you who wear pink, green, and pearls to my events and for every photo you send of your Miller High Lifedrinking book clubs, you make my heart go squee!

You guys are the reason I do this.

1 Of course, not laying employees off without giving them a reason also reduces stress, but that's another story.

2 Harry Burnett Reese. Because I? Am all about the Trivial Pursuit answers.

3 Gentlemen, a bit of advice, if I may? The fine staff at Brooks Brothers will never allow you to leave the store looking like a well-tailored rodeo clown. Just so you know.

4 And he even bought her a toaster off her Williams-Sonoma registry!

5 Vanilla latte, full fat, extra foamy, two Equals, and make it snappy.Ooh, and get me a maple scone, too!

6 Read stupidity.

7 Seriously, I'm so lazy that many a time I've considered whizzing in our kitchen sink rather than climbing the stairs to our bathroom on the second floor.

8 Do you care to guess? How helpful she was?

9 Bonus superiority points awarded if you leave without stealing any office supplies.

10 The farmer says, "Be sure to use a cover sheet!"

11 Oh, yes. That's right. My mother was counting.

1 Yes, I only wore Dior J'adore. But I had to smell everything to make sure it was still my favorite.

2 White and white only, thank you very much.

3 Really, with the schlepping? Oy.

4 Do not give me the "Oh, but most cashmere comes from China now" argument. My point remains the same.

5 Ever seen Carrie Bradshaw in a Target coat? No? I didn't think so.

6 Uphill! In the winter! With no shoes on! For five miles! With hungry dogs chasing us!

7 Really not a problem for me. At least until I hit my thirties. Ha! Kidding! (Or am I?) 8 Yes, I know exactly how old that makes me sound.

9 Probably not true, although technically not confirmed one way or the other. But wander around the joint for four or five hours and it will certainly feel true.

10 You know what we need more of in this country? Lingonberry products.

11 A.k.a. Two Buck Chuck.

12 Master?

13 Believe me, if I wanted to eavesdrop, I would.

1 In fairness, I haven't seen The b.u.t.terfly Effect. Maybe it's not a lousy movie. But based on his performance in Dude, Where's My Car?, my expectations aren't terribly high.

2 Through the magic of science, humidity, and possibly Steven Spielberg.

3 Meaning I made it up in my own head.

4 Eating "a mess of ribs" is also an excellent way to procrastinate.

5 Colors chosen during a heroic bout of creative avoidance.

6 Fletch works down here instead of in our office on the second floor. Something about the pink walls making him feel all stabby?

7 Network design, FYI.

8 "Homer's Enemy," episode number 176 of The Simpsons-Best. Episode. Ever.

9 Meaning your.

10 In my expert opinion, formed from losing every utility during my extended unemployment.

11 Yes, watching the American Idol finale is totally considered dire. Come on, Justin versus Kelly? It was history in the making!

12 Lafayette, Indiana-home of the slow news day. (We were the top story!) 13 Meaning I burned my hand on it, d.a.m.n it.

14 Rim shot!

15 I do 50 percent of all my reading in the tub.

16 When Lacoste split with Izod? Most. Tragic. Divorce. Ever.

17 No offense.

18 Having just Googled "island where Wonder Woman is from," I ran across a bunch of photos of Lynda Carter from the series in the seventies. No wonder my dad always watched the show with me.

19 Do you think the Devil will get a kick out of me and perhaps allow me a small fan in h.e.l.l?

1 For the most part.

2 I had a bit of a beer-induced 1-800-PSYCHIC FRIEND addiction before we met. I've yet to have another $300 phone bill since we've been together.

3 All the bleu cheese dressing was gone, so I thought the mayo would be an adequate subst.i.tution. It wasn't.

4 And kind of stupid, if I'm being perfectly honest.

5 Speaking of crazy old ladies...

6 You know what didn't help? Me trailing along behind her singsonging, "Yooooou're in trooooooouble!"

7 And thank G.o.d, because I can't take any more Lucky Charms.

8 Yeah, like I didn't plan that intentionally. Like a spider and her web, I was.

9 He didn't find out otherwise until it was far too late.

10 See? I am all about the locked door, unlike one Miss Carrie Bradshaw, who'd sit in her apartment with her window wide open. So either Giuliani really did turn New York into Disneyland or something wasn't realistic.

1 "f.u.c.ktard" being my all-time favorite.

2 Other attempts include paying bills instead of stuffing them in a cabinet and fewer Pepperidge Farmbased dinners.

3 Read box.

4 You know who never referenced her childhood influences? That's right. Miss Carrie I-Have-No-Past Bradshaw. I also don't remember her ever freaking out over a routine well-woman exam, so I'm calling this one a draw.

5 I once took a lousy job in the Chicago Board of Options Exchange building because of a similar view.

6 Coming soon to a theater near you!

7 I've lost a sock in the process-WTF?