Call Of The Veld Part 11

'I want to sleep.'

'I ought not to give them to you,' began Sara, when Irma almost snapped, 'For heaven's sake, Sara, do as I ask! I know what I want better than you do!'

With a sigh of resignation Sara went off to get the tablets, which she took back to the bedroom, along with a gla.s.s of water. A few minutes later she stood by the bed, her eyes filled with tears, and watched her sister's eyes begin to close.

Carl had left when she went out to the dairy to speak to Ray, telling him about the tablets she had been forced to give Irma.

Ray shrugged, much to her astonishment.

'I don't argue any more,' he admitted dispiritedly. 'If she wants to sleep her whole life away then who are you and I to try to stop her?'

'Ray, how can you be so unconcerned? Are you sitting with her in the evenings, after you've done your work?'

'Sara, please don't you start. Carl's just been on to me--- ' He broke off, his voice quivering, his eyes actually moist as tears came close. 'I've been so d.a.m.ned blind, Sara! I've made a terrible mess of my life.' He looked down at her in a way that made her catch her breath between her teeth in a little sound of protest, and she involuntarily brought a trembling hand to her mouth. 'Don't say it,' she whispered, but already he was speaking and as she heard his broken accents her heart cried out for him. 'It's you I love--G.o.d help me! I couldn't see it until she told me that you were in love with me, that you'd fallen in love with me that first night--------'

He turned away and Sara's heart twisted in anguish as she saw his shoulders shake and knew that he was crying. How she kept from comforting him she would never know; it was sheer agony not to go to him, and to cradle his head on her breast. Instead, she said persuasively that he had better go into the house, as some of his boys were coming across from the hut where they had been having their afternoon drinks and sandwiches. He nodded, and a few moments later she and he were sitting on the stoep, facing one another across the rattan table.

'I'm surprised that Irma spoke like that to you,' she said, speaking into the oppressive silence. It was a strange thing, but she felt so calm about Ray's knowing that she loved him. And all at once she knew why: she was married, and therefore safe from any temptation.

'She thinks you married Carl as a cover-up, so that you and I could have an affair without anyone suspecting it.'

'She--- !' Horror-stricken that Irma could even imagine anything so infamous as that sort of conduct, Sara was speechless for a full half minute. 'Oh, what's got into her, Ray? It-it sickens me!'

'And me, but I have to agree with her when she says you didn't marry Carl for love. It fairly staggered me, as you know, when you came back from that holiday engaged to a man you'd never even liked.' Ray was wiping a hand across his eyes, looking a little shamefaced because he had allowed his grief to escape all control. Grief? Yes, and regret that he had not realised that it was Sara he loved...

'I'd rather not talk any more about it, Ray.' Sara's voice was sharper than she meant it to be, but in some vague, inexplicable way she resented Ray's stating so confidently that she did not love her husband. 'The thing we do have to talk about is what's to be done for Irma. She's taking too many tablets for one thing, and for another she must be given something to make her life worth while------'

'And what can you suggest?' almost sarcastically from Ray. 'I suggested she learn to paint and while you were away I contacted a lady willing to come here and give her some tuition. Irma flatly refused even to have a chat with the woman.'

'She's madly in love with you, Ray, and I firmly believe that you could help her a great deal if you wished. I asked if you spent your evenings with her. Do you, Ray? Do you play the games I bought?'

He shook his head.

'I don't love her, Sara----- '

'You do!' she cried. 'You do love her! Why, you've only been married for seven months, so you must love her...' Sara let her voice fade as Ray shook his head.

'I thought I loved her, but I know now it was nothing stronger than infatuation, and had we not rushed the wedding there wouldn't have been a wedding at all, simply because I'd have discovered my feelings and broken off the engagement. I've known ever since you arrived here that I was thinking about you a lot more than I thought about her-in fact your face was with me all the time I was out there, in those fields, working. Yet it never dawned on me that it was you I loved, not until Irma told me you loved----'

'Stop!' Sara put her hands to her ears. 'Stop, I say! You love Irma-I know you do!'

'Sara, you're very sweet, and good and kind. I was bound to fall in love with you even if I was in love with Irma in the beginning. Besides, what future is there for me, tied to a girl like that?'

Sara's eyes blazed at the callousness of his words. He was thinking about himself alone, and caring nothing for the plight of his wife.

'You're talking about my sister! Don't you dare refer to her as "a girl like that"!'

'I'm sorry. I scarcely know what I'm saying. Forgive me, Sara, and please promise you'll never stop loving me.'

She closed her eyes tightly. Why had Irma imparted that information to him? She must have been distraught, for otherwise she would never have disclosed her knowledge.

'You're Irma's husband,' she reminded him when at last she could trust herself to speak. 'You owe her your whole life, because of the vows you made in church. You took her for better or-----'

'Oh, for goodness' sake! I've been expecting you to say that! Do you realise, Sara, that I'm not yet thirty? Am I to be expected to spend the rest of my life listening to the self-pitying complaints of my wife?'

A terrible silence ensued. Sara, her illusions shattered, looked at Ray through her tears. Good-looking he might be-the kind of man she had always hoped she would marry... but what was beneath the exterior? Where was the loyalty, the duty, the love which was his wife's by right? She turned away and, without another word, went into the house and along to Irma's room. Her sister lay very still, her pale face against the pillow drawn and faintly lined around the mouth. There were traces of dampness on her beautiful lashes, evidence that she had wept a little before going to sleep. Sara's mouth trembled and again she turned away, this time to go home, to her husband.

He was out; she had not really expected him to be in, because a good deal of felling was being done at present, especially in the far plantation. Should she go to him? He would think it strange, seeing that she had no real reason for seeking him out. In any case, why did she want to go to him? Sara found no answer; all she knew was that she wished that Carl were here... to comfort her.

After strolling about the garden for a while she decided to take the small car and go into town. It was not that she wanted anything, but she was at a loose end, having come from Njangola sooner than she had expected to do. It was the first time she had been so desperate to get away, and her grat.i.tude towards Carl overwhelmed her, because he had made it possible for her to get away; he had provided her with a home, a precious haven to which she could fly and where she would find that peace and tranquillity for which her heart had craved since the day she had set foot on African soil.

The journey to Paulsville helped to soothe her nerves, this plus the quiet half hour spent in the gardens of her home; and to make things even better she met Bernard immediately she parked the car. He had driven into town to bring some produce which the general store had ordered from his brother-in-law. As usual his greeting was gay and light; and then he asked about Irma, and it seemed then that his voice and manner changed and he was no longer gay, but oddly weighted down with something akin to anguish. Sara, puzzled, but reluctant to inquire about his change, told him frankly that she had come away earlier than she had intended.

'Irma was asleep,' she added, 'so there was nothing for me to stay for. Ray will see to her when she wakes.'

'Will he?'

'Of course,' answered Sara, surprised at the question.

'Are you going to the shops?' he inquired, abruptly changing the subject.

'I suppose so, although I've nothing to buy.'

'I've done my delivering and I was just going home, but if you don't mind I'd like to come along with you. I can carry your parcels,' he suggested, appearing to brighten up again.

'I don't expect I shall have any parcels, but come along by all means. As a matter of fact, Bernard, I feel the need for company, so meeting you was like the answer to a prayer.'

'The brand new bride wanting company?' Bernard raised his brows interrogatingly. 'Had your first tiff, or something?'

She managed a forced laugh.

'No, nothing like that, Bernard. Carl and I never quarrel.'

'You've not had much time, have you?' he countered with a grimace. 'By Jove, Sara, you were a couple of dark horses! What did Carl's mother have to say about it?'

'She was pleased, although she was very surprised, naturally.' She had been more than surprised; she had been exceedingly puzzled, and with her astuteness it was to be a.s.sumed that she knew there was a great deal she had not been told. But she accepted it all with her usual calm composure and without asking the questions that must inevitably have arisen in her mind.

Sara and Bernard had reached a bookshop and they automatically stopped.

'I never can pa.s.s a bookshop,' admitted Sara, but went on immediately to say that her husband's wonderful library was now at her disposal and she was looking forward to the time when she would be able to read some of the books.

'As it is, you're too busy looking after Irma,' said Bernard.

'Yes; but I don't mind ..Sara's voice trailed to silence as she recalled her eagerness to get away from the farm a couple of hours ago.

'It must be time-consuming for you.' Again he seemed to be affected by some inner distress. Sara ventured to ask him if anything was wrong. 'Not really.' His answer, brief and rather more curt than she would have expected, prevented Sara from saying what she had intended saying, which was that he seemed upset about something. Instead, she. glanced in the window and casually remarked on the Christmas decorations which the proprietor had begun to put up.

'Three weeks,' she added. 'I never thought I'd be in my own home by Christmas this year!'

'Is it a nice, pleasant feeling to be the lady in charge of a mansion like Ravenspark?'

'It's wonderful, Ray!'

'And wonderful to be in love.' He frowned, then said, 'Are you wanting anything from here?'

'No, I don't think so.' Sara had already got her sister's present; it was an antique gold bracelet which Sara had bought a couple of years ago and which Irma had always admired. It would be far more acceptable than anything she could buy in Paulsville, Sara thought, for now that Irma was bedridden the selection of presents for her was greatly limited. As for a present for Carl- well, Sara felt that, their relations.h.i.+p being what it was, anything too intimate, or too expensive, would be out of place, and therefore she had ordered a book which lie had mentioned buying for himself 'some time'.

'Then let's go to the Club tea-room and have tea and cakes.'

'All right.'

They sat on the verandah, at a teak table set in the shade. Bernard seemed tense and once again Sara asked him if anything was wrong.

'I've been visiting your sister,' he returned.

'Yes?' Sara's eyes flickered as she waited for what was to come next.

'She's dreadfully unhappy!'

'Yes, that's natural.' Sara looked at him across the table, noting the tightness of his lips, which was so unlike him, since he was almost always smiling or laughing. 'She's taking a long time to accept that she's the way she is. I'm hoping that eventually she will realise there's nothing to be gained by being so unhappy and then she might take up a hobby. Ray wants her to paint----- '

'So she told me! He just wants her to occupy herself so that he won't have to spend any time entertaining her!' His voice had risen so high that some people at the far end of the verandah glanced his way. 'I'm sorry,' he muttered. 'I ought not to have become so heated.'

An incredulous silence followed as Sara, her eyes wide and disbelieving, stared at Bernard's flushed face.

'It's not true,' she murmured, 'it can't be!'

'It is true!' he flashed, losing his apologetic air as his voice lifted again. 'I'm in love with her!'

'Oh... G.o.d...' What a muddle! Poor Bernard! He was so charming, so honest and good-humoured, so carefree up till now, working and saving for his own little farm. And now he was in the depths of despair, in love with another man's wife... but a wife who was an invalid, who could never have been a helpmate to him anyway.

'I can't bear it when she tells me she's lonely, when she cries...'

'Does she cry when you visit her?'

'She did on Wednesday, sobbed piteously. You'd gone home, if you remember, to take a message to Carl from Ray.'

'Yes, that's right. And Irma was crying?' Sara's eyes, wide and intense, were still fixed on his face. 'She's been confiding in you?'

'Almost from the first. She's madly in love with that--- With her husband, but I'll tell you this, Sara, he isn't in love with her! Just imagine, falling out of love with her in so short a time-and only because she's crippled! If it were me-why, I'd love her all the more. I'd work for her, to provide her with all sorts of comforts----- '

'Bernard, don't,' begged Sara, feeling so weighed down by other people's problems that she felt she could not take any more. 'You're crucifying me I'

Startled, he looked at her, his eyes shadowed as a tinge of guilt entered into him.

'That's a strong word, Sara.'

'I've so much---- ' She stopped as the dark-skinned waitress appeared at the table, notepad in hand. 'Just tea and a scone for me, please.'

'I'll have the same. Bring a pot of tea for two and a plate of scones, please.'

'Jam and cream?'

'Yes-Do you want jam and cream, Sara?' She shook her head. 'Just for one, then,' he said, waiting until the waitress had gone before saying, 'You've so much to bear? Is that what you were about to tell me?'

'I'm just as hurt as you by Irma's unhappiness, Bernard, and there are other things as well. And now you --- Oh, you shouldn't have fallen in love with her!' she cried distractedly. 'I'm going to worry about you now, and your being hurt!' How little she had known, when she had met him and been so glad of his company, that she was going to hear his tragic confession that he was in love with her sister.

'You needn't,' he a.s.sured her. 'I shall find happiness in being with her sometimes. We're becoming very good friends and our friends.h.i.+p will grow with the years-------'

'But, Bernard, you'll want to marry, surely?'

He shook his head emphatically.

'I shall never marry-unless I marry her.'

Sara shook her head; this was love at its most sacred.

'You'd marry her-were she free?'

'Without a moment's hesitation,' answered Bernard, and Sara knew that he really meant it.

'You say that you and my sister are very good friends. But I have to warn you, Bernard, that this friends.h.i.+p hasn't brought about any change in her; she's still dreadfully depressed.'

'I know it I Haven't I just said so? It's because she's in love with Ray-she wors.h.i.+ps him, but she knows, Sara, that he doesn't return her love.'

Sara said nothing; she was relieved to know that Irma had not said anything to Bernard about her, Sara, being in love with Ray.

But was she in love with Ray...? The question did not astound her as it would have done a short while ago. She had seen a very different side of Ray recently, a side that was far from attractive.

To her, marriage was forever; it carried obligations, and even though she and Carl had only entered into it as a business partners.h.i.+p, she would take good care of him if ever he should need her care, and she was sure that Carl would do the same for her.

He had returned when Sara arrived home; she looked earnestly into his face, half inclined to tell him everything that had happened that day. But he appeared distant and impersonal, and in any case she decided it wasn't quite the thing to tell her husband that her brother-in-law had confessed his love for her. But the burden pressed heavily upon her and she suddenly felt a great anger rising within her. She had been given this haven by Carl and yet she was unable to take advantage of the peace it offered. At first, when she had taken up this new life, there had been a lightening of the oppression that had plagued her, simply because, when she arrived home after her day spent at the farm, she was able to relax, feeling satisfied that her duty had been done and therefore she could forget her troubles until the next morning. As a result of this changed routine Sara had felt different both mentally and physically, her mind free from the continual nagging consciousness of Irma's plight, and her body not being so tired that she had craved for the moment when she could fall into bed.

'What's wrong, Sara?' Carl asked the question as they sat on the verandah after dinner, drinking their coffee. 'You look troubled about something.'

'It's Irma,' she answered, aware of a little access of grat.i.tude towards him for noticing that something was not quite right. 'I...' She checked slowly, filled with a great yearning to unburden herself, and yet still reluctant to impart the information she had been given that day. 'I wish there was some means by which she could be made to leave that bed.'

'I've been thinking about that myself,' he returned reflectively. 'I'm willing to get her one of those wheelchairs you've been talking about. I feel that if we get it first and tell her afterwards she might be more inclined to try it out.' Carl looked at his wife, and a faint smile softened the austerity of his features as he saw the wide- eyed expression of grat.i.tude on her face.

'Carl, you're so good and kind. Will you really buy one of those chairs?'

'Of course I will.'

She was excited suddenly, forgetting for a while all the other problems that confronted her.

'Where can we get it? How long will it take?' 'I shall have to order it, but I'll see Irma's doctor first and get his advice. Leave it all to me, Sara. It'll take a little time, though, so don't expect Irma to be moving around Njangola Farm by Christmas, will you?'

'Of course not.' She was full up, on the verge of tears. 'I'm so grateful to you, Carl,' she quivered. 'You see, although I'd kept on thinking about the chair, I really didn't know where the money would come from to buy it.' She could have added that her own savings had dwindled alarmingly since she came to the farm, because of Ray's inability to pay her anything yet awhile, and so her first idea of buying the chair out of her own money had had to be abandoned. Carl was speaking, telling her that grat.i.tude was totally unnecessary; he was her husband, therefore it was his duty to do all in his power to lighten Sara's anxiety over her sister. Then he said, looking at her with an odd expression, 'Are you sure, Sara, that you haven't something else on your mind?'