Fatal Flaw Part 5

"Then make it a double."

I SENSE in her the grand design of some awesome inevitability. I don't know from where it emanates, maybe it comes from having your father crushed beneath a load of pine, but its symptom is a weary resignation. in her the grand design of some awesome inevitability. I don't know from where it emanates, maybe it comes from having your father crushed beneath a load of pine, but its symptom is a weary resignation.

"Why don't you just end it?" I ask.

"But I like seeing you."

"I mean with Guy."

"Oh, I couldn't do that."

"Because you love him?"

"Why else?"

"I don't know."

"See. It's so simple, isn't it?"

She is committed to Guy, absolutely, she tells me so all the time, there is no other option. But still, when I call, she picks a place.

"I am so tired," she says. "Do you ever get so tired?"

"No," I say. "I'm too frightened all the time to be tired."

"Frightened of what?"

"Of learning that the best is behind me."

"Sometimes I have this urge to just start over," she says. "Be something new."

"Don't talk about it, do it. Guy has, apparently. You can, too."

"But I already have. This is it."

"You thought you'd change your life with Guy?"

"No, Guy was something else."

"And what am I?"

"You are an indulgence. Something not good for me, like a cigarette or a drink."

"Hazardous to your health."

"If only you knew."

WHAT SHE sees in me, I can only guess. What I see in her, besides the obvious beauty, is a sadness, palpable but elusive, a sadness that reaches into my heart like a claw. sees in me, I can only guess. What I see in her, besides the obvious beauty, is a sadness, palpable but elusive, a sadness that reaches into my heart like a claw.

I'm not struggling to understand why her sadness touches me as it does, why I feel about her what I feel; it doesn't take Jung to dredge up the suspects. My mother drinking gin late nights in the kitchen, drumming her fingers on the Formica, wondering how she ended up married to this man, living in this tattered house in this decaying suburb, shackled to this brat with his whine like a siren. Or my father, in his chair in front of the television with a can of Iron City in his hand, sitting in the chair in the dark after his wife left him alone with his son, on his face the dazed expression of a car-crash victim staggering out of his wrecked vehicle. Why is it that children of alcoholics find themselves mysteriously attracted to the alcoholic personality? Answer that and you might understand why I found myself, many years before, engaged to a sad, sweet girl named Janice, who fulfilled all my greatest fears by breaking the engagement and running off with a forty-seven-year-old urologist named Wren. Or why, a few years after that, I prostrated my heart and my career on the altar of Veronica Ashland, a sad drug-addled woman whose betrayal was as inevitable as the thunderstorm at the end of a brutally sweltering day. Or why I find myself obsessively attracted to the sadness in Hailey Prouix. Is it that I see in her sadness a chance to ease my soul, to do for her what I could never do for my parents as they tore their lives apart? Or is it just that she is with my dear friend Guy and so hot my blood is boiling at the wanting?

IT IS usually me who calls, who tells the receptionist it is Victor Carl to talk about the Sylvester matter. That is our code case, the Sylvester matter, in honor of her silver-screen hero. It is usually me who calls, so I am surprised when I return from a court appearance to see a message in my box pertaining to the Sylvester matter. When I phone, she speaks to me in a whisper. usually me who calls, who tells the receptionist it is Victor Carl to talk about the Sylvester matter. That is our code case, the Sylvester matter, in honor of her silver-screen hero. It is usually me who calls, so I am surprised when I return from a court appearance to see a message in my box pertaining to the Sylvester matter. When I phone, she speaks to me in a whisper.

"Are you free for lunch?"

"Yes," I say. "Of course."

"When can you shake loose?"

"Now. Where do you want to meet? What are you hungry for?"

"Oh, pick a place, Victor. Any place, any place at all."

She is waiting for me at the sandwich joint. There are little tables crowded into a long, narrow room, and the tables are filled with men and women talking loudly and stuffing corned beef specials into their mouths, strands of coleslaw hanging from their teeth. She is leaning back in her chair, arms crossed.

"What looks good?" I say as I sit.

"Everything," she says.

"The corned beef seems to be it."

"Nothing for me, thank you."

"Are you okay? What happened?"

"The most wonderful thing," but her voice is anything but gladdened. "What are we going to do, Victor, you and I?"

"Have lunch?"

"Is that all? Because lately that seems like all."

"I've been following your lead."

"Well, I'm a lousy dancer."

"Did something happen between you and Guy?"

"Yes. Something happened."

Just then the waitress comes to our table, her pad out. "Are you ready?"

"Victor, are you ready?" asks Hailey.

"I don't know."

"Can you give us a minute," says Hailey. The waitress rolls her eyes before rus.h.i.+ng off to grab an order in the kitchen.

"I'm not hungry," she says. "Are you hungry?"

"Not anymore."

"Then let's go for a walk."

"Where to?"

"Anywhere you want."

Outside, it is damp and chill and the temperature brings a rouge to her cheeks. She wears a gray overcoat atop her lawyer's garb, her hands tucked into the pockets.

"Do you want a drink? You look like you could use a drink. I have some beers in my apartment."

"Yes," she says. "Let's do that."

"Is it about work?" I ask. "Is it about Guy?"

"Yes."

"Which?"

"Aren't you sick of talking? Aren't you sick to death of talking? The more I talk, the less I know. The words are so fuzzy they turn everything into a lie, and then the lie becomes the new truth and I don't know anything for certain anymore."

I begin to say something, some comforting inanity, but the hungry look of tragedy in her eyes stops me midword, and so we walk in quiet through the noontime crowds toward my apartment.

It is a mess, like it is always a mess. I leave her standing in the living room as I gather up the clothes on the coach, the towel on the door, gather them up and dump them all into the hamper in my bathroom. She stands motionless as I work, still in her coat, hands still in her pockets. When it is almost presentable, I stop and look at her standing still in her coat, and the sadness that is always there is pouring out of her. I can see it, a dark blue pouring out of her. She looks at me, and her eyes beneath her gla.s.ses are moist, and the blue is pouring out of her, and I am helpless to stop myself from going to her and wrapping my arms about her and squeezing, as if I could squeeze out the sadness.

She feels thin beneath my arms, bones and nothing more. She smells of jasmine and smoke. I tell her it will be all right, even though I don't know what is troubling her and I suspect it will turn out badly. I tell her it will be all right, and I touch my lips to the top of her head in a brotherly kiss.

"I'm so bad."

"No you're not."

A brotherly kiss to the soft of her temple.

"I am. You don't know."

"I know what I need to know."

A brotherly kiss to the soft ridge beneath her eye, and I taste the salt of a tear.

I pull away. She lifts her face to me. Her eyes are wet, her nose red, her mouth quivering. She is the picture of desolation, and I can't help myself. I don't want to help myself. Something has happened between her and Guy and that now is enough for me. I take her biceps in my hands and squeeze, even as I kiss her gently. Even as our lips barely touch. There is no mas.h.i.+ng, no gnas.h.i.+ng, just the gentlest touch. The gentlest touch. A saving touch, I think, I hope. Our mouths open slightly, the touch of our lips staying just as gentle, and nothing slips between them, no tongue, no moisture, nothing, but not nothing, because there is a commingling of s.p.a.ces, a creation of something new, and in the enclosure formed between our gently touching mouths I feel an emptiness flowing and growing, hers, mine, ours.

I WANT it to be slow. it to be slow.

I had fantasized about the two of us together, often, incessantly, it had been my nighttime preoccupation since our first meeting, and it had always been hard, rough, full of laughter and grabbing, she seemed that kind of lover, but in the presence of her overwhelming sadness I want this now to be slow, as gentle as our first kiss.

I brush my lips again upon her temple, upon her cheek, take her lips gently in my teeth. We are naked now, kneeling on the bed, our hands gently brus.h.i.+ng each other's arms, sides, backs, thighs.

She is thinner than ever I thought, so thin and fragile and, without her gla.s.ses, so seemingly vulnerable, so in need of protection. And that is what I want to do, to protect her.

The afternoon light slices in through the blinds, her smell of smoke and jasmine is charged by the sharp edge of musk.

I slide closer. I am pressed up against the flat of her belly.

I glide my hand around the contour of her breast. I lift its weight in my palm.

I kiss her shoulder, I kiss the line of jaw, her neck. A tremor rises from her throat and with it a sound soft as a spring drizzle. I kiss the bone of her clavicle, I kiss the hollow beneath the bone, the first swell of her chest, the soft skin, the excited pink areola. The sound rises, stretches, widens to fill every inch of s.p.a.ce.

I want it to be slow, but suddenly there is a presence in the room other than the two of us. A hunger, a need. Something foreign and relentless, primordial, with a rhythm of its own, a breath hot and dank, a power, and I don't know from whence it came. Is it mine, hers, is it an ent.i.ty of its own invading our lives? I don't recognize it, I don't understand it, I've never felt anything like it before, this hunger, this need. It is brutal and violent and immortal, and before I know what has happened, it has taken control.

I want it to be slow, but what I want no longer matters.

And when it is over, she lies on her side, covered in sweat and sheets and I lie behind her, in a shocked silence, sore and uncertain, my arms wrapping her like a stole.

"That was insane," I say.

"It always is." There is a tw.a.n.g in her voice, a slight s.h.i.+ft west and south into the hillocks of her West Virginia home, as if whatever it was that roared through us took her back into her past.

"No, it was a like freight train was in the room with us."

"That's what I meant."

"So you felt it, too?"

"Shhhhhh."

"What was it?"

"A vestige."

My chest is pressed into her back, my hips are pressed into her thighs. She doesn't want to talk about it, and I don't understand what has happened. I hold her tight and feel the sadness and hold her tighter, but with the s.h.i.+ft in her accent for a moment I am not certain anymore whom I am holding.

"What was the thing?" I say. "The thing you wanted to tell me about."