You're A Horrible Person, But I Like You Part 5

Jayson Rodgers Baton Rouge, LA Dear Jayson: Your question is fundamentally flawed because it is avoiding the main issue. You have a serious problem. You are addicted to sleep. How many times have you blacked out while sleeping? And I'm willing to bet that when you are sleeping your entire personality changes: you are antisocial and not fun to be around. I don't know you, but I would guess that sleep has begun interfering with your work and your relations.h.i.+ps. These are warning signs. Clearly you love booze, which is wonderful, but your addiction to sleep is cutting in on the quality time you get to spend with alcohol. You need to stop sleeping altogether. For this I recommend cocaine.

Ed ...

Dear Ed: The word "unicorn" always makes me wonder: Why isn't it "unihorn"? When I hear "unicorn," I think that maybe somebody called it that because they thought the horn looked like a giant corn on the cob and so they just screamed out, "ONE CORN!" which evolved into "unicorn" ... which makes me think that maybe unicorns are native to Iowa.

Ava Sioux City, IA Dear Ava: Wow. You are really dumb. "Corn" is Latin for "horn," as in "cornucopia." Since Latin is the preferred language for all fauna nomenclature, both real and imaginary, a mono-horned horse is naturally called a unicorn. If anything, you should be asking why corn is named after the Latin word for "horn"! Jeez Louise!

Ed ...

Dear Ed: I live in a rural part of Texas, and I'm almost positive I saw a Bigfoot. A few times, actually. How do I let him (it?) know that I'm friendly and mean him no harm? Should I leave some milk and snacks on my front porch? What do Bigfoots eat anyway?

L.D.

Shreveport, TX Dear L.D.: Bigfoots sustain themselves on a strict diet of wild Fijian albacore sas.h.i.+mi with pea tendril salad, glazed couscous, asparagus tips, and red wine jus. Unfortunately, no human can prepare that dish to the exacting standards of a wild Bigfoot. That said, they have a less discerning sweet tooth. Try setting out some praline chicory coffee souffle, coffee anglaise, and warm beignets. Just be careful because if the souffle collapses, the Bigfoot will get very angry and might try to rape you.

Ed ...

Dear Ed: I'm pretty sure I saw a giant painting of Kim Jong Il in an upscale creperie a few weeks ago. What are your thoughts on this combination (Kim Jong Il and crepes)?

Anthony Pensacola, FL Dear Anthony: It's a little-known fact that Kim Jong Il, despite being a crazed, megalomaniacal despot, is one of the greatest crepe chefs in the world. You'll find large portraits and even shrines to Kim Jong Il in creperies throughout the world. He has contributed immeasurably to the crepe-making oeuvre, perhaps most notably in his daring use of parsley and pine resin. Rumors abound about disturbing human rights violations in some of his crepe-testing laboratories, and his use of forced labor in crepe kitchens is well doc.u.mented. However, no one can deny the dizzying lightness and delectable nuance of a Kim Jong Ilprepared lemon crepe suzette.

Ed ...

Dear Ed: I've always heard that it's not appropriate to wear white after Labor Day, but I never understood why. Is this reverse racism? What's wrong with a little white clothing, as long as there aren't any hoods involved?

Cooper Sacramento, CA Hi Cooper: I recommend never wearing white after Labor Day, mainly because if you do I will murder you. Why? Because I want to cook your organs and eat them so that you will always be a part of me. This may sound weird, but it is rooted in a deep, abiding love for you. That said, I also understand that you may not want to be murdered, and that's why I'm giving you the heads-up. Just know that it really doesn't matter what color your clothes are. I'm probably going to murder you anyway.

Ed ...

Dear Ed: I really, really want to be famous, but I don't have any talents. Acting, literary, or otherwise. I'm not even all that attractive. Now: How do I get famous?

Christopher St. Paul, MN Dear Christopher: I admire your moxie and determination! It is clear from your letter that you already possess all of the necessary requirements to become famous. In particular, I would encourage you to cultivate your lack of talent, since that has clearly worked well for numerous celebrities. In addition, fame can often be obtained through a.s.sociation. To wit, try hanging out in nightclubs with people who are already famous, like Lindsay Lohan or d.i.c.k Cheney. Or might I suggest trouncing Rafael Nadal in the finals at Wimbledon. However you go about it, I wish you good luck and G.o.dspeed in your worthy and n.o.ble quest!

Ed

Buck Henry Dear Buck: Here's what I remember: I started watching a kung fu movie marathon in college, and the next thing I knew I was thirty-four and unemployed. Should I try to figure out what happened to that lost time, or just cut my losses and get on with my life?

Regards, A Dude in Atlanta, GA Dear Dude in Atlanta: That's what you think you remember. We will probably never know what really happened. There is creditable scientific and medical proof that steady exposure to endless repet.i.tion-be it of strobe lights, religious chants, Jody cadence (a military training term with which I am sure you are unfamiliar), the music of Don McLean, or even an evening of reality TV-can cause fainting, hallucinations, pet.i.t and grand mal seizures, time and s.p.a.ce dislocation, and even that old W. C. Fields favorite, mogo on the gogogo. Kung fu marathons are designed to operate on the human limbic system-the sound effects, human grunting, blazing unnatural colors, dizzying athletic pyrotechnics, and pure silliness were designed (probably by General Yamamoto in the waning days of World War II) to stir the occidental brain into sludge. Even today the sound tracks of more than two thousand movies directed by and starring hundreds of people all named Lee are played day and night in the Guantanamo prison system as an adjunct to waterboarding. I'd leave your lost past alone if I were you. You might have been al Qaeda.

Cheers, Buck ...

Dear Buck: I just read Siddhartha Siddhartha to impress a girl, and I'm having trouble thinking of anything to say about it that would sound sufficiently deep but not too pretentious. Any ideas? to impress a girl, and I'm having trouble thinking of anything to say about it that would sound sufficiently deep but not too pretentious. Any ideas?

Thanks, Joshua Chicago, IL Dear Joshua: Be careful. A woman who would actually request that someone she ostensibly cares for should read Siddhartha Siddhartha is intellectually ruthless if not criminally insane. This is a trap. You must realize by now that there is nothing that you or anyone else can say about Hesse's novel without seeming pretentious or, even worse, foreign. When I was very young, my great-grandmother, who was old and ill, asked me to read her to sleep. I selected is intellectually ruthless if not criminally insane. This is a trap. You must realize by now that there is nothing that you or anyone else can say about Hesse's novel without seeming pretentious or, even worse, foreign. When I was very young, my great-grandmother, who was old and ill, asked me to read her to sleep. I selected Siddhartha Siddhartha because I surmised that I was in her will. She pa.s.sed away during chapter two. I was amazed that she lasted that long. because I surmised that I was in her will. She pa.s.sed away during chapter two. I was amazed that she lasted that long.

Buck ...

Dear Buck: My husband only has one t.e.s.t.i.c.l.e. I try not to make him feel bad about it-his other ball was removed after doctors discovered it was cancerous-but every time I look at his groin, I think, Hitler only had one t.e.s.t.i.c.l.e, too. Is that terrible of me? My husband is a good man, and despite the unfortunate physical similarities, he has nothing else in common with one of the worst hatemongers in history.

Susan P.

Omaha, NE Dear Susan P: Heinrich Himmler, who was not only a n.a.z.i butcher but also a famous a.s.s-kisser, once said to Hitler: "Mein Fuhrer, some men may see your s.c.r.o.t.u.m as half-empty; I see it as half-full." Susan, there are many men who are unitesticular, and it doesn't mean that they're anti-Semitic or about to invade Poland. One of our most famous bodybuilding strongmen (not, I a.s.sure you, our beloved California governor) was reputed to be gonadically challenged, and he has many friends of the Hebrew persuasion who find him to be socially charming and mildly threatening only when faced with scary deli food. Your problem, such as it is, puts me in mind of my favorite burlesque sketch, which I saw as a youth in Jersey City. Maybe you will think of this the next time you are staring at your husband's sole orb of regeneration and chuckle instead of recoil. A married couple make their first visit to a nudist colony. In their cabin, the husband looks out the window and says: "My G.o.d, I'm not going out there with all those crazy people." And the wife says: "Why are you calling them crazy?" And he answers: "Well, can't you see their nuts?" I'm still laughing.

Buck ...

Dear Buck: I've been dating this guy for a few weeks and I think I really like him. But he's in a wheelchair. When and if we finally have s.e.x, what can I expect? Does he have to stay in the chair the whole time? And if not, can he be on top?

Cheers, N.D.

Holyoke, MA Dear N.D.: Wheelchair s.e.x is not as complicated as it might seem, but it can be dangerous. Its customs and general usages go as far back as the Kama Sutra, which contains the first, and perhaps the only, recorded case of how to make love when one of the lovers is basically attached to a form of conveyance. I am too refined to give you the full details, but this moving tale involves a love-smitten gal from Calcutta and the object of her affection, a young prince who, because of a skating accident, was confined to an elephant. Need I say more?

Buck ...

Dear Buck: At what age is quitting your job and becoming a full-time carnie no longer socially acceptable?

Best, Eric Augusta, ME Dear Eric: Quitting your boring and meaningless daily grind for the life of the open road and a close if not intimate relations.h.i.+p with really angry wild animals and lovable clowns who wear funny disguises to protect themselves from being pointed out by children in the audience whom they have touched inappropriately (if not killed and eaten) can never be considered a socially unacceptable choice. It is at the very least adventurous, and at worst suicidal. We are in an uncertain economy. But there will always be openings in the carnie for a powerful roustabout or-and I suspect this is more up your alley-a really hungry geek.

Buck

Mindy Kaling Dear Mindy: I read somewhere that dolphins are the only animals (besides humans) who engage in gang rape. Is that true? And if it is, should I remove the dolphin posters from my daughter's bedroom walls?

Sincerely, D. Sachs Pittsburgh, PA Dear D.: I am facing a similar situation. My teenage son fancies himself an artist. To that end, he has hung up a very unsettling print by M. C. Escher on his wall. There's just something about a hand drawing itself that I find unsavory. But you have given me a great idea. I am going to tell my son that M. C. Escher was a rapist.

Thanks, Mindy ...

Dear Mindy: I recently discovered that my fiance is a cat burglar. I have no problem dating a criminal, but does he have to use such ridiculous 1950s terminology? I imagine him going to work dressed in a black turtleneck and an eye mask and a bag with a big dollar sign written on the side flung over his shoulders. How should I tell him that I'm losing all respect for him?

Katie L.

Grand Rapids, MI Dear Katie, I'm sorry, but I stopped reading after I read the word "fiance." Lady, what are you trying to prove? Does the word "fiance" need to be used, ever? "Boyfriend" or "serious boyfriend" suffices just fine. People who drop French words like "fiance" or "joie de vivre" are the real criminals, not your interesting-sounding boyfriend.

Mindy ...

Dear Mindy: My husband is a terrible author. He's been working on the same novel for almost a decade, and I'm so tired of reading his "latest revision." I just can't fake it anymore, and he gets suspicious when I claim to have a headache or eye cramps. How can I avoid his sloppy prose while also sparing his feelings? claim to have a headache or eye cramps. How can I avoid his sloppy prose while also sparing his feelings?

Guilty Wife in Baton Rouge Dear Guilty Wife: You think the fact that he's bad is the reason you hate reading his stuff, but it's not. When I carried on my decades-long affair with Tom Wolfe-you should've seen the two of us, nattily dressed in matching white suits-he always asked me to read his work. It was dreadful. It got to the point where I had to put down chapter two of The Right Stuff and The Right Stuff and say: "They go to s.p.a.ce, they don't go to s.p.a.ce, I don't care anymore!" And he's a good writer. It's torture. I would check into a women's shelter. say: "They go to s.p.a.ce, they don't go to s.p.a.ce, I don't care anymore!" And he's a good writer. It's torture. I would check into a women's shelter.

Regards, Mindy ...

Dear Mindy: I've been living with my boyfriend for eight years and my family still thinks he's my roommate. I don't know how to be any more obvious. We sleep in the same bed, for G.o.d's sake. Do I have to give him oral s.e.x in front of them before they get it?

Brad Sioux Falls, SD Dear Brad: Are you acting recognizably gay? Are you a flamboyant emotional wreck like Nathan Lane in The Birdcage? The Birdcage? Or petulant and Or petulant and muy caliente muy caliente like Hank Azaria in like Hank Azaria in The Birdcage? The Birdcage? Or are you basically a swarthy straight man, but gay, like Robin Williams in Or are you basically a swarthy straight man, but gay, like Robin Williams in The Birdcage? The Birdcage? Emulate these iconic gay fixtures. "Gayge" (wordplay) your gayness, and then just kick it up a notch (Emeril). Everyone loves this movie and your parents will soon get the picture. Emulate these iconic gay fixtures. "Gayge" (wordplay) your gayness, and then just kick it up a notch (Emeril). Everyone loves this movie and your parents will soon get the picture.

Best, Mindy ...

Dear Mindy: My ba.s.s player wants to break up the band because we're all turning forty next month and he thinks it's not awesome to be playing Cheap Trick covers when you're forty. How can I tell him he's wrong, so wrong?

Still Awesome in Cleveland, OH Dear Still Awesome: In Donald Justice's famous poem "Men at Forty," he talks about this very phenomenon. I don't remember it word for word, but I believe what he says is that your friend closes doors softly now, and also that he probably wants to stop playing with your band because he's bent on killing himself, and he wants to be alienated from as many people as possible prior to the act. If it sounds like a kick-a.s.s poem, that's cuz it totally is.

Mindy ...

Dear Mindy: I've told my mistress that I intend to leave my wife eventually and run away with her. But she has to understand that I have no intention of doing anything of the kind, right? I mean, anybody who has been on this planet for longer than a month knows that cheaters don't mean anything they say. If we did, we wouldn't be cheaters. But somehow I don't think she gets the implied and unspoken agreement of an extramarital affair. What should I do? But somehow I don't think she gets the implied and unspoken agreement of an extramarital affair. What should I do?

Warmly, S.H.

Westfield, MA Dear S.H.: Dude, you totally have to kill her. I only have a cursory understanding of this type of situation, but I've seen movies like Match Point Match Point and and I Am Legend I Am Legend and I know how hard it can be to be in an adulterous relations.h.i.+p, and I also know a man can live alone for, like, years and years, if you store food and only go out during daylight. Kill her! and I know how hard it can be to be in an adulterous relations.h.i.+p, and I also know a man can live alone for, like, years and years, if you store food and only go out during daylight. Kill her!

Cheers, Mindy

Thomas Lennon Dear Thomas: My wife asked me not to curse around our kids, but I think it's healthy for them to become well versed in swear words. Isn't the freedom to call somebody a "c.o.c.ksucking motherf.u.c.ker" a const.i.tutional right, even for an eight-year-old boy? Maybe what he needs isn't less cursing, but more creative cursing?

Jim B.

Burlingame, CA Dear Jim: Your son is going to learn about c.o.c.ksucking either at home or behind Arby's. If your wife continues to violate your const.i.tutional rights, sue her. I do, however, agree that more creative cursing could broaden the boy's horizons. Try new curses like "f.u.c.kwinch" or "a.s.sgratch." If the boy picks up some of these words, he could become the next Faulkner, or just some crazy-a.s.s motherf.u.c.ker sucking c.o.c.k behind Arby's.

Tom ...

Dear Thomas: My friend told me to skip community college because the drugs aren't as good and therefore the education isn't as good. Is that true? Is a university only as intellectually stimulating as its drug supply?

Eric Schmidt Charlotte, NC Dear Eric: This is entirely true. You should seriously consider a college in Amsterdam, where the magic mushrooms can be purchased both legally and in either the dried or fresh variety. The cla.s.ses will be in Dutch, but it won't matter, because you'll be tripping your b.a.l.l.s off.

Tom ...

Dear Thomas: I got my ears pierced in high school. I got my first nose piercing in college. After graduation, I got my tongue pierced. A few weeks ago, I got my nipples pierced. Given the geographical direction of my piercings, is it only a matter of time before there's a steel stud in my t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es?

"Holes" Thomsen St. Louis, MO Dear "Holes": Bravo, sir! Yes, a steel post through the fleshy sac of your manhood looms on the horizon. But take note: your body should reflect the ideal feng shui bagua. That means: metal left earring for creativity/children, wooden right earring for family/foundation, something shoved through your nose that's on fire for fame/reputation, and a jug of water hanging from your ball post for career/life path.

Tom ...

Dear Thomas: Will you settle a bet between my friend and me? He says that PoMo is shorthand for postmodern. I think it's a deli sandwich that's sometimes served with capicola and provolone cheese. Who's right?

Sam Hittleman Traverse City, MI Dear Sam: You're both wrong. PoMo is either Brazilian surfer slang for "a Portuguese man-of-war" or DC slang for "a poor mosh pit." For example: "That's a PoMo, especially for a Fugazi show." A capicola/provolone sandwich is called a Coppola.

Tom ...

Dear Thomas: I want to get lipo and have the fat sucked out of my fat f.u.c.king thighs. But my boyfriend says I should save the money and use it to buy more books. Isn't he just pulling my fat leg? What is more attractive-a well-read fattie or a stick figure who can't spell her own name?

Confused (and fat) Kansas City, KS Dear Confused (and fat): Bless you for thinking that men might like a well-read woman. We're actually attracted to both stick figures and ma.s.sive hoggies, but none of us particularly care about your reading habits, unless you're reading books about how to give better b.l.o.w. .j.o.bs.

My advice is: skip the books and the lipo and invest in a good pair of Spanx panty hose. It'll create the illusion of toned, muscular thighs.

Cheers, Tom

Al Madrigal Dear Al: I'm completely broke and considering either donating my eggs or a career as an escort. Both of these sound like a good way for a girl to get cash quickly and easily. Which do you recommend?

Hottie with Great SAT Scores New York, NY Dear Hottie: Look, I loved Pretty Woman Pretty Woman as much as any straight male possibly could, but let's be realistic. A Richard Gere type is going to come along at best once a year. Most of your average "clients" trolling for hookers are literally guys who as much as any straight male possibly could, but let's be realistic. A Richard Gere type is going to come along at best once a year. Most of your average "clients" trolling for hookers are literally guys who have to pay for s.e.x have to pay for s.e.x. That means a lot of physical deformities and d.i.c.kheads. So, not only are you gonna see more than your fair share of eye patches and jaw-dropping eczema, you're gonna get slapped by a lot worse than Jason Alexander.

By the way, a prosthetic hand hurts way worse than a real one. So let's support the culture of life and help create it instead of almost losing it three times a day.

Al ...

Dear Al: I hate all the chemicals they put into bug repellents. Can you recommend a natural alternative?

Itchy in Oregon Dear Itchy: Short of buying a hundred magnifying gla.s.ses and burning every bug in sight, why don't you shut up and embrace science, you dirty hippie? DEET, like TV and the Internet, is good. The next time you want to go Into the Wild Into the Wild with a bag of flaxseeds and a dream catcher to tap into your inner Earth Mother, remember we didn't cure polio with a drum circle and some patchouli oil. with a bag of flaxseeds and a dream catcher to tap into your inner Earth Mother, remember we didn't cure polio with a drum circle and some patchouli oil.

Al ...

Dear Al: Is a homemade tie-dyed T-s.h.i.+rt ever a good idea for somebody who uses deodorant and doesn't enjoy jam bands?

Dana in Jupiter, FL Dear Dana: Yes. But be careful, a tie-dyed s.h.i.+rt is gateway fas.h.i.+on. Without the proper level of awareness, a tie-dyed s.h.i.+rt can lead to Teva sandals and Guatemalan print shorts.

Al ...

Dear Al: I may be going to jail soon and I'm just curious, is it more like the TV show Oz Oz or the TV show or the TV show Hogan's Heroes? Hogan's Heroes? Or does it depend on the state? I just want to know what to expect Or does it depend on the state? I just want to know what to expect.

Randell Lubbock, TX Dear Randell: If you're writing in to The Believer The Believer to ask this question, I would a.s.sume you're not prison material. In fact it's probably a good bet that you are writing this looking through horn-rimmed gla.s.ses while wearing a pair of skinny jeans. So when it comes to prison you can hope for to ask this question, I would a.s.sume you're not prison material. In fact it's probably a good bet that you are writing this looking through horn-rimmed gla.s.ses while wearing a pair of skinny jeans. So when it comes to prison you can hope for Hogan's Heroes Hogan's Heroes, but you need to plan for American Me American Me. Because, while we'd all like to think that lockup involves old men tending birds, whittling, hard-boiled-egg eating contests, and converting to new and exciting religions, it's important for you to be realistic. Know this: you're going to be a.s.saulted physically, verbally, and mentally twenty-four seven. Good luck, and BTW, there is no shame in suicide.

Al ...

Dear Al: For most of my life, I solved the majority of my problems by asking, "What would Jesus do?" But now I'm stumped. What do you suppose would be Jesus' opinion of saddlebagging?

Frank O.

Asheville, NC Dear Frank: I am quite proud to admit that I don't know what saddlebagging is, and I refuse to Google it. But we can a.s.sume that any act so depraved or ridiculous that it has to be given a cute nickname is more or less disgusting. While I'm not the most religious guy, even discussing the Judeo-Christian Lord and saddlebagging at the same time makes me a little bit uncomfortable.

Al

Aasif Mandvi Dear Aasif: I have a problem. My boyfriend borrowed my cat for a slumber party and is now refusing to return him. It's been over a month. I go there enough that it's not really a big deal, but I miss owning this animal. How can I make the cat come back without having a violent domestic dispute?

Lumpy's owner Providence, RI Dear Lumpy's owner: Why on earth would you let your boyfriend borrow your cat for a slumber party? Does this even make sense to you? I can tell you why the cat will never return to you. The cat has been exposed to h.o.m.oeroticism, and having now been exposed to this lifestyle with a group of young teenage boys, he is likely unable to return to your home and live a normal life.

The boyfriend is not keeping the cat hostage. What has happened is this cat, now addicted to the sweet nectar of h.o.m.o-deviant s.e.xual behavior, is now unable to reenter society. I would say you shouldn't visit your cat, because it will only bring heartache. As the cat's need for more and more stimulating s.e.xual adventures increases, you may find that he begins to peruse gay nightclubs and bars, and soon this could lead to a life of prost.i.tution and drugs. That's right, drugs drugs. You need to forget this cat and get yourself a new, wholesome cat that has not been tainted by a wild night of slumber party games that involve prep.u.b.escent boys and a stick.

Tough break, kid. Next time someone says, "Hey, can I borrow your cat for a slumber party?" I hope you'll think twice before ruining another feline life.

Aasif ...

Dear Aasif: I have body issues. I think I am a skinny person, but really have gained a considerable amount of weight since 2007. I don't want to buy new clothes and I love to eat.