How To Rescue A Dead Princess Part 24

"Okay, I've thought of something," said Bug.

"Question one," said Jack. "What is it?"

"A breadbox. You win again!"

"See?" asked Yvonne. "Why do they call it Twenty Questions when it never takes more than one?"

Randall sat up. "I feel pretty good. How long have I been out?"

"Two days."

"Oh my goodness!" exclaimed Randall.

"Oh your goodness what?"

"That's terrible! I can't afford two days! By now the king will have every knight in the kingdom out looking for me, Sir William, and Princess Janice!"

"See?" said Jack to Yvonne. "I told you he was the one those knights were looking for. Pay up."

Yvonne handed him a dvorkin. "Good thing we hid him down in the scorpion pit."

"Look, this is serious! I can't let them find me!"

"But don't you think the hunt for the reagents would go a little better with every knight in the kingdom searching?" asked Yvonne.

"Sure it would, but so would the game of Squish-the-Squire. We have to get out of here and start questing again!"

"That's a good idea," said Yvonne. "Oh, one thing, though. I changed my mind ... do you think you could get me that strawberry after all?"

"Okay."

THE DARK One sat upon his throne, lost in his wicked thoughts. Scrivener turned off the power to his crystal ball and looked over at him. "What are you doing, Master?"

"Brooding."

"I see. Not to correct you, Master, but wouldn't that require that a female be present?"

"I said brooding brooding, fool, not breeding! Your stupidity is matched only by your stench!"

"Apologies, Master. Do you wish me to stand in the corner so that I might wallow in my own shameful inadequacies?"

"No. On second thought, yes. And while you're there perform some acts of self-abuse."

"As you wish, Master." Scrivener retreated to the corner and began poking himself in the nose.

There was a knock on the door, then Wyrkham entered. "Master! I have great news! Wonderful news!"

"Are you going to stand there all day before you tell me?"

The dwarf hesitated. "Is that what you desire?"

"No! Give me the message!"

"We've now conquered nine towns and two kingdoms and made all the residents our slaves! They've got dehumanizing collars on and everything! Our army continues to grow, and we've written 'The Dark One rules!' all over the place!"

"Excellent. I am most pleased."

"Cool. Can I borrow a couple dvorkins?"

"Leave me," the Dark One hissed. "I must concentrate on the next phase of my domination plan!"

"That would be something like taking over more kingdoms and getting more slaves, right?" asked Wyrkham.

"Yes, basically. Now begone!"

Wyrkham left the throne room. Scrivener stopped twisting his eyebrow. "May I leave the corner now?"

"You may," said the Dark One. "Ahhhh, the sweet sound of victory. Soon will I reduce the peasants of this land to frightened cowards, pleading to do my bidding!"

"That sounds delightful, Master. But wouldn't they be more productive as laborers if you built up their morale rather than taking it away?"

"Perhaps. But when the slaves fear me, the sense of power makes me giggly. And you know how difficult it is for me to become giggly."

"I do indeed, Master. And you have my sympathies."

AS TREACHEROUS as the cliff was, Randall managed to climb to the top in just under an hour, and without breaking any bones, even minor ones that he didn't know the names for. And there was the strawberry, large and succulent-looking. If he could reach the bottom of the cliff without accidentally crus.h.i.+ng it into a gooey red pulp, Yvonne would love him forever.

He bent down to pick the strawberry.

And his hand pa.s.sed right through it.

"Odd berry," he said to himself.

Several more attempts convinced him that the strawberry was indeed an illusion, and he had broken no bones for nothing.

"Ha!" said an old man, crawling out from under some bushes. "Ha ha! I laugh in your face, then spit in it, then laugh in it again! Ha ha! I can't believe you fell for the illusionary strawberry trick!"

"Ha ha. I'm tickled pink. I'd let out a hearty guffaw if I weren't entertaining thoughts about killing you right now."

The man stood up. His face appeared to be the wrinkle rest stop of the land. He wore ragged clothing, and his long, grey hair looked like it had been ratted with real rats. "Lighten up," he said. "My name is Warren the Wise, though some people call me Warren the Wise-a.s.s. I know all and see all. Because you have climbed such dangerous heights to see me, I will now share some of my eternal knowledge with you. Ask me any three questions."

"Hey, this is great!" said Randall. "I have some questions I really need answered. First, where would I find Jenstina the Ogre?"

Warren sighed. "Oh, sure, ask something for yourself. Where would I I find the ogre? find the ogre? I I. Me, me, me. That's all you people care about. For once it would be nice if somebody's first question was 'How are you feeling today?' 'Doesn't it get lonely sitting up here all by yourself?' 'Would you care for something to drink?' But no, it's got to be something you you care about, you selfish b.a.s.t.a.r.d!" care about, you selfish b.a.s.t.a.r.d!"

"Okay, then, where would you you find Jenstina the Ogre?" find Jenstina the Ogre?"

"None of your business. That's one question."

"What?"

"I said, none of your business. That's two."

"You bitter little creep!"

"All right, all right, whatever your last question is, I promise to give you a good answer."

"Fine, here's my question: Where are Jenstina the Ogre and Shreddriff the Berserker and the Necklace of Power and is Yvonne really the woman for me and what's the meaning of life?"

"Sneaky. Jenstina the Ogre lives in a hut on the Mountain of Rock. Here's a map." He handed Randall a folded piece of paper. "Shreddriff the Berserker lives on an island in the Ocean of Water. Here's a map." He handed Randall another folded piece of paper. "I've never heard of the Necklace of Power. Yes, Yvonne is the woman for you, and don't you forget it. And the meaning of life is 'the state of being alive.'"

"Thanks a lot!" said Randall. "This will be very helpful!" He turned around to climb back down the cliff.

"What, you're leaving?"

"Of course."

"You don't want to sit around and talk or anything? It's a lonely life up here as a Wise Man. People just ask their questions and then leave me here by myself."

"Well, you know, if you didn't act so snotty about people only being allowed three questions, they'd probably be more inclined to hang around."

"So, you think it's my personality that drives people away? I always thought they were just intimidated by my far-reaching wisdom."

"No, it's definitely the personality. And the location. I mean, here you are on top of a treacherous cliff. Your neighbors aren't going to risk their lives just to pop by for a chat."

"But I'm a Wise Man. People have to prove themselves worthy for me to answer their questions. If I set up shop in a village, what would be the big deal? I wouldn't be special."

"But, you see, if you had friends, you would would be special. Friends are what make us special, not omniscience! Give people a chance to like you for be special. Friends are what make us special, not omniscience! Give people a chance to like you for you you, not for the questions you can answer."

Warren considered that. "But what if they don't like me? What if I'm not accepted? You know, all it takes is one nudity-related faux pas faux pas and you can be shunned for life!" and you can be shunned for life!"

"Look deep within yourself. Do you want this bad enough to take the risk?"

"Yes!" said Warren, almost in tears. "Yes, I do! Thank you so much!"

"I'm glad I could help. Now, I have to be going."

"Wait a second! There's no way I can get off this cliff!"

"Oh. That's a problem."

"So ... maybe I should just be less snotty about the three questions?"

"Yeah."

"Gotcha. Thanks for your help."

"WELL, I HAVE good news and bad news," said Randall, returning from the cliff.

"Tell us the good news first," said Yvonne.

"Actually, the overall impact would be better if I gave you the bad news first."

"Okay, what's the bad news?"

"I didn't get the strawberry."

"You suck, Randall," said Jack.

"But the good news is, I got something even better. Maps to take us to Jenstina and Shreddriff!"

"Oh," said Yvonne. "I guess a map is almost almost as tasty." as tasty."

Randall unfolded the map. "See, the hut where we'll find Jenstina the Ogre is right about ... whoops, that's a bit further than I expected."

"How far?" asked Jack.

"Five thumb-lengths on the map, which translates to five thousand miles. Looks like the Mountain of Rock is on the very edge of the land, right before you fall off." He unfolded the other map. "Let's see, the island where we'll find Shreddriff the Berserker is also five thousand miles away ... in the opposite direction."

"Is that five thumb-lengths, too?" asked Jack.

Randall looked pained. "I'm dead. Including round trips, that's twenty thousand miles we have to cover! It's impossible!"

"Nothing's impossible," said Yvonne. "Except an interesting game of Royal Golf."

"We live in an age of magic," said Jack. "Find a magician willing to transport you there. The new regulations are fairly stringent, but a good bribe should take care of that."

"That idea's so crazy it just might work!" said Randall. "Except that I'm almost broke. What about the rest of you?"

"Barely a dvorkin to my name," said Jack.

"Forgot my fortune under my mattress," Yvonne admitted.

"I know where there are riches beyond your imagination!" said Bug.

"Really? Where?"

"In your hearts, where the love is kept!"

"Look, there has to be a quick way to make some money," said Randall, "but our first priority should be to find a corrupt magician, so we'll ask at the next town. Though, of course we won't ask specifically specifically for a corrupt magician at first, which would be tacky." for a corrupt magician at first, which would be tacky."

"Hey!" Warren's barely-audible voice called from the top of the cliff. "I changed my mind! I think I can make it down there, if you'll give me a couple hours!"