How To Rescue A Dead Princess Part 27

"No, let's make sure you're completely clear on this. What were you told about saving questions until the end?"

"To do it."

"Very good. And you know what? Because you didn't follow the instructions, you're going to have to wait until everyone else has finished with their questions before you'll be allowed to ask one."

"For crying out loud, I said said I was sorry!" I was sorry!"

"That will be quite enough out of you," said Nancy. "n.o.body likes a show-off."

"Wench," the prisoner muttered.

"What did you say?" Nancy demanded.

"I said 'That wonderful person certainly isn't a wench.'"

Nancy smiled, flattered again. "Okay, let's have a quick review before we continue with the rules. We aren't to refer to the Dark One as a sissy, pansy, or wimp. Rule #3: No Calling-"

"Sorry to interrupt," said Bamberg, stepping back onto the stage, "but I think the Dark One is ready to give his speech."

"Well, as long as you're sorry," said Nancy, moving out of the way. They waited expectantly for a moment.

Behind the curtain, the Dark One paced nervously. "I had no idea there would be so many people out there," he said. "Look at all those people. Too many people."

"But Master," said Scrivener, "you need to address your minions! Show them what a mighty, merciless leader you are!"

"I can't. I'm good at one-on-one interactions, but public speaking scares the h.e.l.l out of me!"

"Try this, then. Imagine them in their underwear."

"What are you, some kind of pervert?"

"No, really. It works."

"I can think of few things less comfortable than addressing a bunch of nearly-naked people. I'm not going out there. That's all there is to it."

"Master, you need to gain their respect! Here, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."

"Did they prepare the cue cards?"

"Of course. Everything is ready. You'll do fine."

The Dark One took a deep breath. "Very well. I shall speak to them, and make them tremble before me! Muahahahahahahaha!"

"Ooooh, do that laugh out there!" said Scrivener. "That'll freak them out good good!"

The Dark One pa.s.sed through the curtain and walked to the center of the stage. He looked down, realized that he was imagining himself in his underwear, and let out a squeak.

"Did he just squeak?" Yvonne asked Randall.

"I believe he did."

The Dark One slapped himself on the side of the head, and he mentally re-dressed himself. Then he gazed out into the group of prisoners, who appeared to be in their undergarments. One woman had an iron loin cloth, while another had propellers on her bra.s.siere. It was all terribly distracting.

"I am the Dark One!" he said. Bamberg held up an "applause" sign, and again the prisoners moved their hands as far as they were capable. The Dark One relaxed a bit. I've already won them over I've already won them over! he thought to himself with a smile.

Ignoring the man in the copper bra, the Dark One held up an egg that he'd carried on-stage. "See this egg? This egg stands for all of you!" He crushed the egg in his fist. "That shows what will happen to you if you betray me! The yolk represents your guts sliding down my glove! Got it?"

The prisoners nodded as one.

"Good. That is all." He took a moment to ogle a woman in a particularly revealing lace teddy, then walked back through the curtain.

"Let's hear it for the Dark One!" said Bamberg, stepping back on the stage. "Now let's discuss what is going to happen to each of you. If you're a male, five-foot-eight or taller, in good health, not too old, with no open sores, please stand up."

Just under half of the prisoners stood up. "You will all be joining the Dark One's Army, unless you choose to file for Conscientious Objector status, in which case you'll join the short males in the dungeon. To avoid confusion, when exiting the ballroom after the presentation please tell the guard at the door that you're letter A, and you'll be sent to the proper location. You may be seated."

The men sat down. Bamberg checked his notes. "Next, I'd like the women to stand up." They did. "Now, you'll be given a variety of domestic duties to choose from. Minor cleaning, meal preparation, occasional child-bearing, that sort of thing. It sounds s.e.xist and demeaning, I know, but at least it keeps you out of combat. Your letter is B. Please remember that so we can keep the line moving smoothly. Now, I'd like all women who are virgins to remain standing. Everyone else sit down."

All the women except Yvonne sat down. Bamberg looked over at her and nodded. "I was just curious. You can sit down as well. Now, men who haven't stood up, your letter is C. And that leaves only the children. You will all be schooled in the arts of Dark One wors.h.i.+ping, so that you might become productive citizens when you're old enough to quit being whiny brats. Your letter is D. Does that cover everyone?"

There was a general murmur of a.s.sent. "Good," said Bamberg. "Now, for your entertainment, I'd like to present the musical stylings of Hirsch!"

Hirsch, Scrivener's twin brother, stepped onto the stage holding his lute. "I'd like to dedicate this song to everyone with good taste in music," he said, as he began to play a downbeat melody. "Oh, I stepped on a weasel last night. It got scared and then it ran away. Oh why, oh why did it have to happen? I guess I'll never know." He waved to the audience. "Thank you! There's one more where that came from!"

As Hirsch left the stage, Bamberg returned. "Now, it's time for our question-and-answer segment. Any questions?"

"When's dinner?" asked a female prisoner.

"Are you an A, B, C, or D?"

The woman paused. "I forget."

"Well, then, no dinner for you, I guess. Anyone else?"

Randall raised his hand. "What are this Dark One's credentials for ruling us?"

"Oh, a troublemaker, huh? I'll have you know that the Dark One has plenty plenty of credentials. Plenty!" of credentials. Plenty!"

"Okay," said Randall.

"Any more questions? No? Good. Now, I'm going to ask you all to file through the exit to your left, but first, I'd like to share with you a little tradition we've just started. Beneath this tower is the dreaded Maze where the dreaded Bull Creature lives. What we like to do is send people to test their heroism by attempting to slay the creature. Of course, none of them succeed, but that in no way diminishes the entertainment value. So, we'd like to select one of you to test your skill. Any volunteers?"

Several hands went up. Bamberg raised his eyebrows. "You are are aware that the creature kills the people who don't succeed, right?" The hands went back down. One prisoner began enthusiastically pointing to the person next to him. "By doing that, you're only volunteering yourself," Bamberg told him. aware that the creature kills the people who don't succeed, right?" The hands went back down. One prisoner began enthusiastically pointing to the person next to him. "By doing that, you're only volunteering yourself," Bamberg told him.

"I was just kidding," said the prisoner.

"Well, since n.o.body wants to do it, I guess we'll have to go with the usual method of picking the last person in the chain." He pointed to Randall. "Sir, if you'll please stand up."

"Listen," said Randall, "I'd really appreciate a break. It's been such a lousy week that I don't even wanna get into it."

"We'll let the other prisoners decide. Anyone who wants to trade places with the guy on the end, give a holler." n.o.body responded. "Sorry, but you're stuck. A pair of my a.s.sociates with unlock you and escort you to the Maze."

Two of the black-armored warriors began walking towards Randall. Yvonne looked at him, teary-eyed. "Oh, Randall-I have faith in you! You can defeat this creature and return safely to my warm and loving arms!"

"Tell the Bull Creature I said hi," Jack said.

The warriors unlocked the chain around Randall's wrist and took him by the shoulders. "Be strong, my love!" said Yvonne.

"Hey, guys, do you think we could share one last kiss?" Randall asked the guards.

The guards glanced at each other. "I'm not that way," one of them said.

"No, I meant with the woman."

"Oh. Nah." As the guards violently dragged Randall out of the room, Yvonne began to sob freely.

"I've lost him!" she cried. "I've lost my one and only love! Woe and despair and sorrow and tears and heartache!"

"Prisoners, please rise and file out of the door," said Bamberg. "Follow the person you're chained to, if you will."

The prisoners stood up, with Jack having to help Yvonne to her feet. "He'll be okay," Jack a.s.sured her. "After all he's been through, it would be ridiculous for him to die now."

"That's what I'm afraid of!" Yvonne sobbed. "This whole place is ridiculous!"

Chapter 22.

Excitement Out The Wazoo RANDALL WAS taken down a hallway which ended at a flight of stairs leading downward. "Since you don't have much longer to live," said one of the warriors, "I'd like to do something nice for you. Would you care for a last meal?"

"Yeah, that'd be okay."

The warrior took some thin wafers out of his pocket and handed one to Randall. "Here you go. Enjoy."

"Cripes, Abner," moaned the other warrior. "You know, not everyone goes ga-ga over those wafers like you do."

"These are delicious wafers," said Abner, taking a bite of one. "Been in my family for generations."

"That may be so, but you got the poor guy's hopes up for some marvelous last meal and all he gets is a dry wafer. I think you owe him an apology."

"Dale, I'm getting sick and tired of you maligning my wafers all the time. These are gourmet wafers. You can't get these just anywhere. My own mother baked these!"

"Oh, well, gee, I guess I should just run over and kiss your mother's substantial b.u.t.t, then. I'm not complaining about the wafers themselves, I'm just remarking that they're a pretty feeble excuse for a last meal, no matter how good they are in comparison to other wafers."

"Taste it," Abner told Randall. "Taste it and tell me what you think."

Randall took a bite. It was easily the finest wafer he'd ever tasted, not that he was much of a wafer connoisseur. "It's very good," he said.

"See? He likes it!"

"I didn't say he wouldn't like it," Dale insisted. "I just said that when you think of a last meal, you think steak, lobster, thoroughly-cleaned whale bladder, stuff like that. You don't think of a wafer. That's more of a snack."

"Fine, let's not argue. That was his final snack. Are you happy now?"

"I'm happy now."

"Could I have another wafer?" Randall asked.

"No. Now, what you'll have to do is venture down into the maze and kill the Bull Creature. You don't get any weapons, and what you need to do is bring its heart back to us, then we'll set you free. Understand?"

"Its heart? That's so gross! How am I supposed to be expected to find my way back through a maze when I'm distracted by the fact that I'm holding a wet heart?"

"Well, technically we know it's not going to happen, which is why we've never sweated the heart deal," Abner explained.

"At least give me a baggie or something to hold it in!"

"We don't have one handy. Listen, if you succeed in the actual process of heart removal you're going to be all messy anyway, so what's a few more minutes holding the lousy thing?"

"Okay, fine," said Randall. "But when I get out of here I'm going to throw it at you."

"If you survive this place, I'll be here with my mouth open. Now go." Abner gave Randall a gentle push, and he slowly walked down the staircase. When he reached the bottom, he removed a burning torch from its holder on the wall and moved down the brick-lined hallway. Within a few feet, paths branched off to the left and right.

"Hey, Bull Creature!" he called out. "You around?"

There was no answer. He listened carefully for any sounds that might clue him in about which direction to take, but there were none. He began pointing his finger from one side to the other.

"Jelly beans, jelly beans, in a dish, how many pieces do you wish?" He considered that for a moment. "Three. T-h-r-e-e spells three and you are not it." He was pointing to the left, so he entered the path to his right, which promptly dead-ended.

"Dang!" he said. "I knew I should've picked four jelly beans!" He went down the opposite path, which also dead-ended. "Oh, now this is interesting."

He shrugged, turned around, and went back up the stairs. "Sorry, game's over," he told the warriors.

"Ah, but it isn't," said Abner. "There's a little secret you have to figure out."

"Then how about telling me what it is?" Randall asked.

"No, but I'll give you a clue. It involves the wall at the end of the path."

"Not a good enough clue," said Randall. "Just tell me."

"It involves something you do with your hands."

"You have no idea what I do with my hands."

"It involves motion of something that you didn't realize was movable," Dale elaborated.