Polo. Part 36

Perdita put down the stool and grabbed Leroy's collar. 'Drop,' she screamed, 'drop.' 'drop.'

'Drop,' mumbled Luke, raising himself a couple of inches.

Leroy dropped. Luke collapsed back on to the floor.

Winston Chalmers stepped over him, kicking him in the ribs. 'Tell your friend,' he said to Perdita, 'to stay away from my wife. If he contacts her again, he'll get acid in that ugly mug of his.'

'He is not ugly,' screamed Perdita, running after them out into the parking lot with Leroy barking at her side. But they had jumped into their big Cadillac and were screaming off past a bank at the end of the road, inappropriately named Fidelity Federal.

Going back into the bar, Perdita found Red chucking a bucket of water over Luke.

'What the h.e.l.l's going on?' she screamed. 'Didn't you hear Luke saying he'd never met her before this evening? And now he's out cold and he's got to play on Sunday.'

She knelt down beside Luke.

'Luke, lovie, are you OK? Call an ambulance,' she shouted at Red.

'I'm OK,' groaned Luke, feeling his jaw, 'but I swear I've never met that woman before in my life.' OK,' groaned Luke, feeling his jaw, 'but I swear I've never met that woman before in my life.'

'I know you haven't,' said Red, starting to laugh as he pulled Luke to his feet. 'Whenever I call her up, I keep getting Winston, so I say I'm Luke Alderton.'34 Three days later Perdita saw her first big Sunday match and was staggered by the razzmatazz. It had poured with rain all night, so four helicopters were brought in to blow-dry the field. After a lunch of lobster, chicken, bilberries and champagne, which cost each guest $200 a head, there was an auction for Band Aid, and, so that no-one could avoid coughing up, silver buckets were pa.s.sed round the tables which were soon filled up with $100 and $1,000 bills. Each woman, as she left, was presented with a toy model of Hal Peters' Cheetah convertible, and, as she reached her allotted seat, waitresses rushed forward to wipe off the rain with towels. Favoured clients of Hal Peters found gla.s.ses and bottles of champagne in ice awaiting them.

On the field before the match, two pop groups belted out: 'Do they know it's Christmas any more?', and as both Bob Geldof and Auriel Kingham were alleged to be putting in an appearance during the game, the media were out in force.

Even with the temperature in the high sixties, the huge grandstand was filled with women smothered in jewels and huge hats as if they were going to a wedding. Some of them were young and very beautiful, but many were old. Perdita noticed some disgusting old crones looking like Egyptian mummies who'd spent the afternoon at Estee Lauder. Almost more gaudily dressed were the men who rolled up in jackets and trousers in an amazing variety of lime greens, terracottas and crocus yellows, and panamas with coloured ribbons. Bart, who'd paid for Perdita's lunch, and her stand ticket, was wearing an extraordinary petrol-blue silk coat woven with yellow snaffles.

The teams had been expected to attend the lunch. Luke, looking very pale, had eaten nothing. He had refused to see a doctor, but Perdita was sure he was still slightly concussed and his right shoulder was giving him such h.e.l.l that he had to resort to repeated shots of Novocaine. His amus.e.m.e.nt on Thursday night, which had been aided by alcohol, had given way to dread that he might be seriously injured. He could only feed his ponies and pay his grooms if he were able to make and sell on horses from dawn to midnight and play high goal for Hal Peters. It was crucial they won their first match this afternoon. Even Leroy kept a respectful six-foot distance from his master that morning.

As the teams lined up in front of the grandstand Luke was further irritated by Red, who couldn't stop laughing at Hal Peters, who was so fat that you could hardly see his pony beneath him. Hal, however, who was an even worse rider than Victor Kaputnik, was loving every minute. Grinning from very clean ear to ear, his face aglow like a Dutch cheese, he waved to all his friends in the crowd. The commentator announced each player and they then had to canter forward, to loud cheers, taking off their hats while hanging on to their whips and sticks and controlling their ponies. Hal's horse, an opinionated piebald called Horace, nearly carted him back to the pony lines, much to the joy of the crowd.

Victor's canter forward was even more hazardous as he had to hang on to a new, and rather startling, ginger toupee as well as removing his hat.

'Ay encouraged Victor to wear his toupee,' announced Sharon in the stands. 'Ay think one is as young as one looks.'

There was another dicey moment when a vicar took the microphone and exhorted the crowd to 'pray for these brave players', and begged G.o.d to look after them all and save the President.

'Ay-men,' said Sharon bowing her head.

Hal, being a born-again Christian, insisted on putting his gloved hands together and closing his eyes during the prayer. Horace would have taken off again if Luke hadn't grabbed his reins.

'Hal is about to be borne away again,' said Red, wiping his eyes.

'Pack it in,' snarled Luke. 'And where the h.e.l.l's Auriel?'

Auriel, who had promised to ride on to the pitch in a Cheetah convertible and throw-in, had not turned up.

'Oh, she'll show,' said Red arrogantly. 'She likes making an entrance.'

Luke's reply wAs drowned by a rock star in a maroon s.h.i.+rt slashed to the waist inviting the crowd to sing along to the Star Spangled Banner.

Among the two teams there was great potential foraggro. The thuggish Shark Nelligan was determined to take Luke out for pinching his patron. Alejandro and Shark, both backs, hated each other anyway, and Shark was particularly irritated today because Alejandro, being the higher-rated player, had retained the Number Four spot, forcing Shark to play at Number Three. Shark also hated Bobby Ferraro because he was younger and better looking. Jesus, the Chilean, hated Alejandro because they'd tangled over a Cuban beauty last year, and Jesus had a long-standing grudge against Victor because Victor had sacked him after finding him on the floor of a trailer with Sharon. All of them except Luke mistrusted Red because he was conceited and unpredictable.

After ten minutes, when Auriel still hadn't shown up and the pop groups had played 'Do they know it's Christmas?' twice more, her place was taken by Hal's wife, Myrtle, who was even fatter and jollier than Hal, and who whooped and thrust up her arms to the crowd as the purple Cheetah convertible cruised to mid-field.

Chessie, who was sitting in the stands with Perdita, looked at Mrs Peters in horror. 'Is Hal advertising spare tyres as well as cars?' she said. 'If he gets seriously caught up in polo, he'll certainly dump Mrs Peters in a year or two for a Mark-II model with b.u.m-length hair and a cafe cafe au lait au lait spray-on tan.' spray-on tan.'

'Luke says they adore each other,' said Perdita, 'and pray by the bed every night.'

'Mrs Peters ought to pray for a fifty-pound weight-loss,' said Chessie. She was looking particularly beautiful in beige bermudas, a white cricket s.h.i.+rt with the sleeves rolled up and a straw hat trimmed with pale pink roses.

Perdita, who'd had her hair cut and thinned and was wearing a kingfisher-blue suit which had given absolutely no change from one of Bart's $1,000 bills, was also feeling pretty good. Chessie had taken her to Worth Avenue on Friday and increased Perdita's conviction that if she couldn't have Ricky she'd only settle for a seriously rich man.

Huge thunderclouds were now gathering on the horizon. With all the delays, Mrs Peters didn't throw-in until a quarter to four which wasn't much fun for the ponies who'd been eaten alive by flies for two hours. As the players waded in as though they were killing rattlesnakes a huge illuminated scoreboard, like a Blackpool illumination, flashed up the name of the player hitting the ball and, later, whether he'd hit a safety or a penalty or scored, and how many seconds were left in the chukka.

'Ay hear Angel, that charmin' Argentine boy, is playing for Bart this season,' Sharon said to Perdita. 'Victor was most impressed by him. Do give him our number. That player is most attractive.' She adjusted her binoculars. 'Bay Jove, who's he?'

'My stepson,' said Chessie drily.

'He's very appealing,' said Sharon.

'He never stops appealing,' snapped Chessie. 'He's the bane of every umpire in Palm Beach.'

Sharon was bubbling with happiness and hardly able to keep secret the fact that Victor had poured so much money into the Tory party that he was to be knighted in the New Year's Honour's List.

'Lady Sharon, Lady Kaputnik,' she kept murmuring to herself. What a shame Victor hadn't changed his name to something like Cavendish Whapshott.

'Oh, there's Hoo-arn arraiving,' she squeaked in excitement. 'h.e.l.lo, Hoo-arn.'

'Not a panti-girdle untw.a.n.ged,' said Chessie as Juan in a black bomber jacket, teeth flas.h.i.+ng, progressed along the crones to sit beside Sharon.

'Mrs Juan's obviously been left in Argentina,' murmured Chessie.

The commentator, meanwhile, was filling every second with chatter.

'The leather contraption these brave ponies wear on their heads, ladies and gentlemen,' he was telling the crowd, 'is called a bridle.'

Perdita giggled. But she soon forgot the commentary and the crowd, unable to believe the ferocity and the gladiatorial splendour of the game, nor the crookedness of the umpiring as egos and mallets clashed below her.

'Why doesn't the Argentine umpire ever blow a foul on Alejandro,' she asked Bart, who had just joined them, after yet another piece of deliberate obstruction.

'Because he's playing with him in the Rolex Challenge Cup,' said Bart. 'You'll also notice a tremendous dimensionof intimidation not picked up. In Palm Beach you don't make fouls anyone sees.'

Bart was furious that Peters' Cheetahs, despite the collective weight of Jesus, Luke and Red, were losing badly against his detested rival Victor Kaputnik. The large crowd, always interested in a new patron, watched Hal Peters charging round like a baby elephant crossing every player in sight, so the umpire kept awarding penalties to the other side, which Alejandro effortlessly converted. Jesus was playing beautifully when Alejandro allowed him to, but Red was simply not trying, all his energy going into arguing with the umpire. Luke had to cover up for him again and again. Luke's Novocaine was also wearing off. His head was muzzy and he really had to concentrate to see the ball.

Red, in fact, was sulking. He had boasted that the notoriously unpunctual Auriel would, for once, be on time because she was so crazy about him. Now she had made a fool of him by not turning up. Perhaps she'd got wind of the fight.

At the end of the chukka the sun came out. Cautiously coats were being shed and crepey elbows and arms, hanging in festoons, emerged from wildly expensive little-girl jerseys.

'They've even got designer liver spots in Palm Beach,' said Chessie.

Why does she b.i.t.c.h about everything, wondered Perdita.

On the field, matters were getting serious. The orange and black s.h.i.+rted Tigers were leading the Lenten-purple Cheetahs 8-0 when Luke came out in the third chukka on Fantasma who, throwing off any jet lag, showed staggering bursts of speed, enabling Luke to scorch down the length of the pitch and score two goals. Her action was so smooth and graceful that she jarred his damaged shoulder far less than his other ponies. Her coat was as dazzling white in the suns.h.i.+ne as the thunderclouds. As usual her beauty caught everyone's eye.

'That's a good pony,' said Bart. 'Runs to a stop. So many horses stop on their back legs and take so much more effort to get started.'

Victor, however, was absolutely outraged.

'That was the mare I bought in Argentina,' he bellowed at Alejandro. 'You told me it had broken its leg. I paid for that mare.'

Tees different mare,' protested Alejandro innocently. 'Would I cheat you, Veector?'

'Yes,' said Victor.

Hal wasn't very pleased either. It was his first Palm Beach match and all his clients had flown down to watch him.

'I thought you said your brother was a six. He's playing like minus six. And where's his famous woman-friend you promised?' he grumbled at Luke.

A minute later Luke picked up the ball - G.o.d, his shoulder was agony now - and, giving Fantasma her lovely head, he took it upfield again. Carefully he placed it five yards in front of goal on the end of Hal Peters' stick.

'Now's the chance for Hal to be a hero for his team,' said the commentator.

Hal took an almighty swipe and missed.

Half-time - and the crones took out their compacts and fluffed powder on their faces. People poured on to the pitch to tread in and play some sponsored game in which they wriggled along a rolling poll and tried to hit a ball between two posts. A helicopter dropped $100 and $10 bills on to the pitch and people scurried hysterically after them. Heart-shaped gas balloons floated into the air, trailing red ribbons.

Down in the pony lines Victor, in between threatening to sue Alejandro and Luke for diddling him over Fantasma, was on his car telephone to Hong Kong trying to close a deal.

Half-time - ten minutes in England and normally fifteen in America - stretched out to forty-five minutes. The game was losing all momentum. They were just throwing-in when another helicopter landed on the pitch bringing Bob Geldof. Cheering hysterically, the crowd rose to their feet.

Gaunt, white-faced, unshaven, totally unsmiling and all in black, he was driven round the edge of the field in an open Peters Cheetah, looking as though he'd been to h.e.l.l and caught it on an off-day.

'That's an attractive man,' said Chessie. 'Takes suffering head on.'

'He reminds me of Ricky,' said Perdita, unthinking. Chessie glanced at her. For a second her eyes filled with tears. 'Yes, he does,' she said.

Bob Geldof then picked up the microphone, thanked the crowd for raising the incredible sum of $250,000 and said he was sorry he couldn't stop but he had other engagements in New York and LA.

As he left the wind got up and the rain came down and all the crones dived for cover under the roof at the top of the stand. Hanging baskets rocked hazardously in the wind, men watched golf on tiny portable televisions. Perdita looked over a sea of coloured umbrellas as the players came back on to the field. Peters' Cheetahs were still 2-8 down and Luke was the colour of the pitch.

The fourth chukka was characterized by Jesus having a shouting match with Shark Nelligan.

'You should have checked,' he screamed at Shark. 'You don't 'ave to 'eet me so hard.'

'You came in front of me, you greaseball,' bellowed Shark. 'You always do.'

'For Chrissake shut up, f.u.c.king eedioto,' screamed Jesus.

'If you take the name of Our Lord in vain once more, young man, you will not play for me again,' Hal sternly chided Jesus, who thundered off in a frenzy of Latin shrugs.

Alejandro smote the resulting free hit yards down the pitch bang in front of Victor and the goal.

'Leave the f.u.c.king thing, Victor, you'll only miss it,' yelled Shark, thundering down the pitch.

'Now Victor Kaputnik has the chance to be a hero for his team,' said the commentator.

Victor took a great swipe and missed. Luke rode him off and backed the ball up the field to Jesus, who dummied round Alejandro and pa.s.sed to Red, who hit the ball once, then took an idle shot at goal and missed. Luke rode up to him.

'For f.u.c.k's sake,' he hissed, 'those heavies have totally b.u.g.g.e.red my shoulder. Get your finger out. All you're doing is riding up and down breaking up the divots.'

'I can't pull rabbits out of the hat every time,' said Red sulkily. 'It's only a f.u.c.king charity match.'

'I'll murder that boy,' said Bart furiously. 'I'm going to chew him out.'

He had just reached the pony lines at the beginning of the fifth chukka when a figure entered the stands smothered in a mink-lined Barbour, a fur hat, dark gla.s.ses and several silk scarves. She was so surrounded by minders that a rumour went round that it was Princess Diana or the President's wife.

'I want absolutely no publicity,' she was saying in a loud, deep, throaty voice to the bowing and sc.r.a.ping club secretary. 'I've just come to watch a friend play polo.'

'Miss Kingham is here on a private visit,' said her publicity manager to the press.

A chukka's anonymity, however, was more than enough for Auriel. As Red rode back to the pony lines after failing to score once again, Auriel called out to him. Instantly a smile illuminated his scowling face and he cantered towards her. Immediately she whipped off her fur hat, her dark gla.s.ses, her silk scarves and her Barbour; everyone recognized her and screamed with delight, and the press swarmed on to the field, lighting up the gloom with a firework display of flash bulbs. Auriel then insisted on going down to the pony lines and ma.s.saging Red's shoulders and running her hands through his damp hair.

'This is a f.u.c.king circus,' said Luke, on whose shoulder the latest shot of Novocaine had totally failed to work.

Hal Peters, in the meantime, was kneeling down in the pony lines: 'Dear Lord Jesus, if you think it's right make Hal Peters and his team win this match ' and was nearly run over by Shark Nelligan returning on his fastest pony for the last chukka.

'Now will you start playing properly?' begged Luke as he and Red rode back on to the pitch.

'Don't worry, I'll win this match for you,' said Red.

'What a beautiful woman,' said Hal Peters, gazing so hard at Auriel that he b.u.mped into the umpire.

Red, who always got a charge from holding back and lulling the opposition into a feeling of false security, now proceeded to storm through with a volley of goals all in front of the press and the television cameras.

'Red, Red, Red,' was suddenly the only word on the commentator's lips. Despite disapproving strongly of Red, Perdita couldn't help melting. As he hit the ball on the ground, in the air, to the left, to the right, underneath,over, behind and in front of his matching sorrel pony, she realized that he was so supremely gifted he could win a match off his own stick.

'If he played like that all the time,' said Bart in an I-told-you-so voice to Chessie, 'he'd go straight to ten.'

Red also had Ricky's ability to get the last ounce out of his pony. As he felt her tiring, he picked up his whip. Hal Peters was in ecstasy.

'The Lord has answered my prayer,' he told Luke.

The Tigers were only one goal ahead now, with two minutes to go. Victor, at this point, decided to fall off and lie on the ground. Sharon, busy making an a.s.signation with Juan, looked without interest at the pitch. Then the horrid possibility dawned on her that if Victor pa.s.sed away she'd never be Lady Kaputnik.

'Oh, Victor, oh, may husband,' she screeched.

'He's done it on purpose,' muttered Chessie to Perdita.

'Then they'll put in a ringer instead to win the match.' 'Water, water,' moaned Victor.