Without A Trace: Inside The Lines Part 11

I meet his beautiful gaze, unable to stop myself from admiring his strong jaw covered in late-day shadow. I run a finger over his reddish whiskers, enjoying the texture. "Well, you are five years younger than me."

He makes a face. "Does that truly bother ye? It's not like I can change my age."

"When I'm thirty, you will be twenty-five."

He looks about the room, then back at me. "And...?"

"Nothing." I can feel myself turning pink. "It's stupid. I've just never been with someone younger before." I shrug.

He nods. "I've never been with someone older, but I haven't noticed that it's been an issue. Have ye?"

I stick my tongue out at him and bury my face in my pillow, my cheeks hot in embarra.s.sment.

"Well then." He waits a beat. "What's the real issue?"

I look away, wis.h.i.+ng I wasn't so abominable at love. "I've never really felt like this about someone. I mean, I've thought I was in love, but there were always games being played. I always knew I was safe. I couldn't really get hurt. But with you," I force myself to face him, "I could."

"Aye, and it goes both ways, love." He s.h.i.+fts to his stomach, his thigh aligning with mine. "Ye have the same power over me." He holds his hand out to me as we lie side by side.

I slip my fingers through his, trace the flat of his palm as I try to figure out what is really niggling at me. "That doesn't bother you?"

He watches me curiously. "It's part of the deal. When ye love someone, ye hold both parts of them in yer hands-the good and the bad. Ye could hurt me, sure, but being with ye makes my world a better place. Ye remind me why I have ambitions and goals, why I want to be the best at what I do. Because ye do that every day in yer own life." He feathers a kiss over my knuckles. "This isn't just about having fun in bed, Lux. I enjoy making love with ye, of course. But even more so, I admire ye and yer vision. And I love that ye always take time to recognize the needs in others and help them come to terms with them. That's what made me fall in love with ye in the first place."

Only the sound of the air conditioning hums in the room. I stare at the ceiling, at a loss for words. No one's ever said anything like that to me before. I feel raw, a bit too open, and I don't know how to respond.

After a few minutes, his fingers flit over my side, and I shriek with laughter and curl away from him. He doesn't give in, tickling me until I launch myself at him, pinning him to the bed.

"Knew I could get ye where I wanted ye." He holds my hips, pressing himself against me.

"Just like a man. Only after one thing," I tease, jerking my head back when he tries to kiss me.

Without warning, he gathers me to him and flips us over. "Aye, just like a man, eh?" He nips my breast.

I yelp in surprise, then narrow my eyes at him. "Oo, payback is going to be a b.i.t.c.h."

"Only if ye can tie me down again with your wee ropes, love. Otherwise, I'm going to take what's mine," he threatens, biting my other breast lightly.

I'd argue further, but the pressure of his c.o.c.k against me feels incredible, and I'd much rather focus on that.

He isn't quite finished. A serious look on his face, he toys with a lock of my hair. "Ye're right, Lux. I am after only one thing." His hand caresses my cheek, his gaze penetrating my soul. "You."

The purity of his words leave me with a lump in my throat, so rather than try to respond, I pull his face to mine, once again hoping I can convey with my kiss everything I wish I could say. I s.h.i.+ft beneath him, spreading my legs so he can come into me fully. He holds my face, his gaze unwavering as he maintains a slow rhythm. Even when my breath falters and comes in gasps, he stares deep into me as though he can see through the shadows and anguish into the darkest corners. When he finally kisses me, it's as though I've been stripped naked, only this time on the inside, and whatever he found was exactly what he sought.

After, when we're both sweaty and satisfied, he holds me against him. "I love ye, Lux," he whispers as he drifts off to sleep.

But I can't sleep. While my desire is sated, my hunger for him scares me. I've never needed anyone before in my life. My determination to be self-sufficient has driven me for a long time. Undoubtedly, it's why I've had very few relations.h.i.+ps that went past the first couple of weeks. While a little over a month hardly const.i.tutes a long-term relations.h.i.+p, my feelings for Fin suggest that I'm falling for him like I've never fallen for anyone. I want to be happy about this, but a gut-deep fear niggles at the edges.

While I've never been hardcore BDSM in my own s.e.x life, I do control the environment. I've always been the top. I can enjoy vanilla s.e.x, and certainly, I relish making love with Fin. But with him, there's much more give and take than I'm used to. And on one hand, it's refres.h.i.+ng to be with someone who's just into me for me, and not what I can do for or to them. I've never been involved in something like this before. What if it doesn't last? What if I can't have a long-term relations.h.i.+p like this? What if I get bored?

What if he wants children and a stable life with that white picket fence? That's not who I am, and as I watch him sleep, his face relaxed and innocent, I can't help but believe that he deserves a chance at that. He's twenty-three, and he hasn't even finished college yet. I was an idiot when I was twenty-three and just starting to find my footing as a Dom.

Not to mention, what if he doesn't get into the local college? What if he has to go home? The idea of a long distance relations.h.i.+p doesn't thrill me.

But the idea of losing him...terrifies me. I reach out, running my fingers over his forehead and cheek. The corner of his mouth turns up reflexively, but he remains sound asleep. I am in love with this gorgeous, kind, and pa.s.sionate man...but doesn't loving someone involve wanting the best for them? What if I can't give him that? Or worse, what if I get in the way of it?

Chapter 19.

Family Matters The next morning, Fin joins Noah and me at the table for coffee and the newspaper perusal. I washed his work clothes last night, so he smells like laundry detergent.

Noah quickly excuses himself. "Ella is determined to start jogging, and I'm pretty sure if I don't show up, it'll never happen." He drops a kiss on my head, shares a manly b.u.mping of fists with Fin, and then it's just the two of us.

He's reading the international news, sipping his over-creamed coffee-"You Americans and yer bitter drinks; I'll never understand ye"-and I occasionally glance over. What would it be like to do this every morning? Wake up to his sunny disposition, which never seems to wane, make lazy love first thing, as we did this morning, and then share coffee and the paper...I'm finding myself warming to the idea, which is a surprise, particularly after my tempestuous thoughts last night.

I don't realize he's meeting my gaze until he reaches for my hand. "Ye've got a bit of a smile on yer face, love. Penny for yer thoughts?"

That makes me laugh. "G.o.d, people still say that?" When he looks rightfully annoyed, I chuckle a bit more. "Sorry, my grandfather used to say that when I was little. I never really understood why he'd give me a penny, when no one else offered."

"So ye'll mock me for being old-fas.h.i.+oned, or Scottish, eh?" He pretends irritation.

I stand, then swing myself over his lap, straddling him. He leans back so he can look at me. "Can I ask ye something?"

"Sure." I kiss him, though, before he can. My ebullient mood seems limitless at the moment, and it's been a long time since I've felt this way.

Eventually, though, he pulls away, extracting my arms from around his neck, laying them on his chest with his large, warm palms on top. "Why do ye not talk about yer family? I get the impression it's a source of pain for ye, and I dinna wish to make it worse. But I'd like to understand, at least."

I look away, down at the neckline of his v-neck t-s.h.i.+rt, then I swallow, trying to figure out how to answer him. "Let's just say...my family isn't like yours. I don't have warm memories of holidays or high school graduations." I avoid his gaze for fear of the pity I'll see there. "My family isn't like that, and I don't like to talk about them." I kiss him, then gently extract myself under the guise of putting dishes in the dishwasher and refilling coffee cups.

He comes to stand behind me, pulling me back into him. The top of my head fits neatly under his chin. "I'm sorry, Lux. I dinna mean to upset ye."

I close my eyes, inhaling deeply. The scent of him eases the ache in my chest, and I turn in his arms. "It's not your fault. And I'm not upset. It's just hard to explain to people." I give him a peck, then stand back and admire him. "And unless I miss my guess, we haven't played mini-golf together yet."

He arches an eyebrow. "Mini-golf, eh?"

"This must be remedied, immediately."

I run upstairs to change into sneakers and jeans, but in the back of my mind, I know I'm doing more of the same-what I do in every relations.h.i.+p.

Avoid.

Make excuses.

Refuse to be vulnerable.

And deep down, I know I will destroy this if I don't stop myself.

Later that night, after we've gorged on sus.h.i.+ and Ben and Jerry's (Chunky Monkey for Fin, Cherry Garcia for me), and long after the credits roll on the movie we rented, I find myself relaxed in his arms. I don't realize he's asleep until I hear his soft snore. It's all I can do not to laugh, but I move carefully, just enough so I can look at him. In repose, his ginger eyelashes mimic the curve of his cheek, his full bottom lip slightly pouting. Even so, he appears content. Happy, even. I know from the times we've talked that he has a wonderful family, very supportive, and he talks to them often.

I run my hand along his arm gently. He stirs a bit, but then his patterned breathing resumes. His warmth rea.s.sures me, though I'm not sure why. He's so solid, I guess. He knows what he wants in life, and he never wavers. G.o.d, I admire that. I wonder if I would have been more like that, had I grown up in a stable family with warmth and love. These musings offer nothing good, so I snuggle back down against him. But I can't sleep. Not as thoughts roll across my mind, about Kinked, about the complications whirling around Fin and my relations.h.i.+p, about life in general.

"I dozed off," he says sleepily after an hour or so has pa.s.sed. He stretches, then gazes down at me with a satisfied sigh. "I rather like waking up to ye twice in a row."

I wiggle up so I can kiss him. "You hang out much longer, you'll do it for a third time in the morning."

He checks the clock. "Dammit. I should get going. I dinna think ye'll want my 4:30 alarm."

I make a face of horror. "Most certainly not."

But there's a hollow in my heart as he gathers his few things and puts his shoes on. At the door, he pulls me into his arms, and I breathe him in, my hands trailing into his silky hair, the slightly salty taste of his neck as I press my mouth to him.

"I dinna want to leave ye." He kisses me for probably the twelfth time, but I'm not complaining.

A smile blooms from deep inside, and even my doubts can't diminish it. "I wish you didn't have to."

"Tomorrow night?"

I picture my day planner in my mind's eye. "I think I'm finished around 9 p.m."

He captures my mouth in a searing kiss, which I take as an affirmative response.

"Any chance ye'll let me tie ye up with yer ropes, love? A little aturnabout is fair play'?"

My stomach races for my toes, but I think about what Charles said, about not really knowing your position until you've experienced others, and my own worries from the evening before. If I'm going to make this work with Fin, maybe I need to be more flexible. "Okay. One night. And you'll never breathe a word about it to anyone."

His mouth is the only response I get, and I'm a puddle of aroused goo when the door closes behind him.

Noah and I are digging into a spreadsheet for project expenses for Kinked. While I want to do this, I hate imposing on him when I know he's knee-deep in work, but he insisted it was okay. We've spread out to the small brick patio in front of the brownstone, and the temperature is mild enough to require a light sweater.

When my phone dings with the text message, Noah rolls his eyes. "G.o.d save me from the s.e.xting."

"You're just jealous," I say as I grab my phone out of my back pocket.

If you had any idea what I intend to do to you tonight...

I can't believe how turned on I'm getting over the idea of being held captive to this man. The tingle of desire has me vibrating, but I try to hide it from Noah.

Mmm. Sounds yummy. Of course, you'll have me at a disadvantage. What will you use for a gag, I wonder?

"Can we get back to the timeline estimates now?" Noah acts irritated, but there's a glint of humor in his yes.

"Yessir." I nod.

We've nearly got a full timeline with costs written out, and we're starting on the spreadsheet calculations when my phone vibrates again.

"I'm getting a beer." Noah smiles falsely down at me and says in a sing-song voice. "Do you want one?"

I can't help myself. I giggle. "I'm good. But you do that. I'll be right here, discussing lascivious s.e.x plans with my lover."

With that, he mock gags and goes in the house.

I'll have to use my c.o.c.k for that, I suppose. I might have to borrow your tools. Surely you have a few things I might find intriguing.

My cheeks heat up. I have several I can think of off the top of my head. One of them being that new vibrator...

Well, a professional *should* bring his own toys, but I guess I can make an exception. But only if you promise to make me come several times.

I hope Fin's not at the barn, because he's likely hard as a rock after this conversation.

Noah returns with his beer, and he mixed me a peach martini.

"Aw, tank you!" I say sweetly, enjoying the sharp tang of the liquor.

I intend to have you crying out my name many, many times tonight.

I shake my head, catching Noah's eye and laughing at his expression. "Hey, you want me happy or cranky? You choose."

He smiles. "Always happy, Lulu."

Promises, promises.

Chapter 20.

Bound Because I'm not the one in the driver's seat tonight, I go with a more low-key outfit. Gone are the corset and leather thigh boots, garters and nylons. I opt for a short, spaghetti-strap sundress, with a modest emerald bikini and strapless bra set, along with bare feet. My hair is in long ringlets, its natural state, and I keep my makeup minimal, with just a bit of mascara and blush. Of course, I'm pretty sure I could be naked, and Fin would be just as happy.

The look on his face when I answer the door makes it all worth it.

"Dear Christ, Lux, ye're beautiful." He stands there for a moment, admiring me, and I preen under the attention. "Come to me."

So it begins.

He draws me to him like a magnet regardless, so there's no hesitance when I step into his arms. He holds me, rubbing my back. I feel like Nellie, having bucked and fought, and now I'm turned towards him, ready to be part of whatever comes next.

His kisses are slow, without eroticism, though that makes them even more so. His palms travel the length of my sides, sliding beneath my dress.

"We should go inside," he whispers, his fingers teasing over my panties.

"Aye," I answer, breathless.