The Spymaster's Men: Persuasion Part 25

"Hurting you is not my intention," he said firmly.

She heard herself whisper, "You want me."

"Yes, I do. But it is forbidden, is it not? We agreed that an affair is out of the question. We agreed that the children come first-we agreed to be employer and housekeeper. So what am I to do?"

A terrible pain began. Simon had gone to another woman? Was it possible?

Simon had a lover.

"I am sorry, Amelia. I am very sorry. Why were you spying on me?" he cried. "Why couldn't you leave well enough alone?"

She hugged herself, moisture gathering in her eyes. She was beginning to feel ill. "I want to keep the children safe."

"My children need you. I need you. I need you here, in this house, managing it and everyone within it as only you can do!" His stare was intense and searching.

Amelia somehow shook her head. "I cannot believe you would go to someone else."

His face hardened. "Nor can I.... Please go now."

His voice was thick, as if he had tears rising, too. Amelia hurried past him, suddenly imagining him in another woman's arms. And she realized that she was devastated.

He suddenly caught up to her from behind, taking her arm and halting her. "Amelia! I am sorry. My intention has never been to hurt you. You deserve so much more than I can ever give you!"

What did that even mean? She pulled away, shaking. Shouldn't she have expected this? He had broken her heart ten years ago, and if she allowed herself to think about what he was telling her now, surely her heart would break all over again.

"I care about you," he said roughly. "Very much. And I want you to know that."

"If you cared about me, we would not be having this conversation."

He did not speak. She stumbled as she turned to leave. But at the door she paused, clinging to it. How could this be happening?

"Do you hate me now?" he whispered.

Incapable of speaking, Amelia fled.

TEARS IN HER EYES, Amelia smiled at Lucille, who lay in a cradle in the kitchen, as the staff began cleaning the dishes left over from that morning's breakfast. Pots banged and pans clanged, the water ran and the boy, Fred, was whistling. It was a busy, happy morning. Her fat fists clenched, Lucille beamed back at Amelia.

"She thinks you are her mother," Jane said, walking by with a pile of dirty plates.

Amelia felt her heart lurch with anguish. She walked over to a kitchen window and opened it. Birdsong joined the cacophony in the kitchens. A sweet breeze entered, as well.

"Has his lords.h.i.+p heard from her father?" Mrs. Murdock asked, raising her voice over the din. The nurse was seated in a chair by the central table, knitting tiny socks for the baby. Jane scrubbed the wood top with soap and water.

"No, he has not," Amelia answered. She could hardly breathe. She hadn't slept at all last night; she had tossed and turned, fighting tears, in disbelief and in heartache. Simon had taken a mistress. A part of her simply did not believe it, even now! But he had confessed, he had insisted, and she had caught him in the act of sneaking in and out of his house. And his explanation made sense!

She knew she should be relieved that he wasn't a spy, but she was ill. He had broken her heart a second time. How foolish could she be?

"He must be traveling," Mrs. Murdock said. "Otherwise he would at least reply to the letter."

"She is so pretty, surely he will decide to claim her once he sees her," Jane said.

"Yes, I think he must be out of town," Amelia said. She knew how lackl.u.s.ter her tone was. She quickly smiled and went over to the stove. "Fred, I do not think I have ever seen as clean an oven."

The freckled lad smiled at her. "I can do more, Miss Greystone, or I can clean the fireplace."

"The stove is fine, and we have chimney sweeps for that." Amelia patted his red head.

"Is anything wrong, Miss Greystone?" Mrs. Murdock asked.

Amelia kept smiling and turned to face the nurse, who had stopped knitting and was regarding her expectantly. Aware of needing the baby for comfort, she went to Lucille. "I am fine," she said, fussing over the baby.

"You seem wan today," Mrs. Murdock said.

Amelia smiled at Lucille again. "I doubt I even know what wan means," she said as Lucille grabbed her finger and seized it.

But as she did, the kitchen suddenly became shockingly silent, except for the birdsong from outdoors. All conversation ceased.

Amelia tensed. She looked up and saw Simon on the threshold of the room.

She was shocked. As far as she knew, he had never once set foot in the kitchens.

But he had stepped inside now. He stood on the threshold, staring at her. When their eyes met, he nodded politely. Everyone else in the room was studiously pretending not to have seen him.

Amelia felt her heart drop. She turned to Lucille, adjusting her collar and sleeves. What was he doing? She was most definitely panicked.

Lucille flailed her arms, grinning. Amelia tried to quiet her, wondering if he would go away. When she straightened, she knew he stood beside her. Fury began. She carefully gave Lucille her pacifier.

"Are you ignoring me?" Simon asked.

Last night, he had been with his lover. If he was to be believed! It was a moment before she could speak, and finally, she looked at him. "Of course not, my lord. Is there a problem? Did you wish for another course? Or perhaps the eggs were overcooked, or the ham burned?"

"You did not set foot in the dining room today."

"I have been preoccupied this morning." She realized her tone had been tart. "Lucille has been rather fussy," she added.

He was silent.

Amelia suddenly realized that Simon had sought her out-and in doing so, had been brought face-to-face with Lucille. Impulsively, she picked up the baby and faced him. "But she is doing well now, as you can see."

He looked at her. Then he looked at Lucille for the very first time. "She resembles Lady Grenville."

"Yes, we all think so. She will be a beautiful child." Amelia rocked her gently.

His stare intensified. "I wish to speak with you. Would you care to come into the library?"

She recalled the entire episode from the night before. "I am very busy this morning. Can it wait?"

His expression hardened. "No, Miss Greystone, it cannot."

"Very well." Not looking at him, Lucille in her arms, she started across the kitchens. He followed.

"What are you doing?"

"I am adjourning to the library, my lord."

"Can you please hand over the child?"

"I prefer not to," she said, but she clutched Lucille so tightly that the baby wailed.

Simon jumped.

Amelia sighed, suddenly near tears. Mrs. Murdock was on her feet, at once anxious and surprised, and she handed the infant to her. "I will be right back," she said, but whether she spoke to the nurse or the child, she did not know. Then she faced Simon, who was waiting for her, appearing entirely displeased.

He nodded at her and she marched ahead of him, out of the kitchens, and toward the library. He followed in silence. And when she entered the room, he closed both doors behind them.

She said, "Is that necessary?"

"I see I am being punished for my bad judgment." His stare was searching.

"Children are punished."

"Reprimanded, then."

"If you wish to consort with your mistress, that is not my affair."

"But it is affecting our friends.h.i.+p."

"What do you want, Grenville?" She trembled. "Do you want my forgiveness? Understanding?" Do you like her more than you like me? she almost asked.

He was grim. "I do not know what I want.... But I cannot stand having hurt you, Amelia. Surely you know that."

She suddenly stared into his eyes. Hadn't Julianne worried that Simon was playing her all over again? "I have always trusted you," she said truthfully, "but I am beginning to believe that you are not trustworthy."

He winced. "I am not."

She was stunned.

He turned away. "I am very sorry you had to find out what you did. Amelia? Please attend my children and leave me to my affairs."

He was asking her to stay out of his business. "I believe I have learned my lesson," she said, but even as she spoke, she thought about the rest of his strange behavior. Why did he expect marauders to come to his front door in the middle of the night? Why did he sleep with a gun beside his bed? Did he know Georges Danton? Why did he dream of blood and death?

And then she realized she was doing precisely the opposite of what he had asked. She dismissed her questions.

"I cannot believe you are surrendering so instantly," he said.

She shrugged. "My concern is the children. If they are not in harm's way, then I am pleased." But she wanted to cry.

He was as grim. "On that note, I began to go through my mail this morning from yesterday. I have heard from Southland."

She froze. "What does he intend to do?"

"He says he will call on me this week, but has not indicated if he will take Lucille or not."

Amelia felt her knees buckle. She was exhausted and anguished, and she feared collapsing.

Simon swept his arm around her. "You are pale. Are you going to faint?"

For one moment, she clung. He was strong and powerful, and in his arms she felt cherished and safe.

But it was a lie.

She let him go. "No. Is that all?" She managed to sound brisk.

"Have I lost my friend?" he asked.

She decided not to answer, and she went to the door.

"Amelia," he said, causing her to halt. "There is one more thing. You are to forget that you ever saw me leaving this house last night, much less in a disguise."

She half turned to look at him. He added, "And you are to share my confession with no one."

Of course he would not want new gossip added to the old. Somehow Amelia nodded. "I happen to be discreet," she said. And when he stared so unwaveringly that her heart leaped, she hurried away.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN.

AMELIA HAD JUST RECEIVED the most welcome news-her sister and Lady D'Archand had called! Her spirits had remained impossibly low all morning. Not only did she have Simon's affair to brood about, she was worried that Southland would appear at any moment and take Lucille away from them.

Taking off her ap.r.o.n, she thanked Lloyd for the news. "Would you please make up some refreshments for us?" she asked breathlessly. She no longer cared that she was just the housekeeper. She wished to entertain her sister. Besides, Julianne was a countess, and she could hardly be put in the kitchen. She had never needed her sister and her dear friend more.

It was early afternoon. Simon had gone out before lunch, declaring that he would be dining with some a.s.sociates. Amelia had refused to even look at him, and he had finally turned and left. The boys had taken their lunch in the cla.s.sroom, and now they were both on horseback with their riding master. Julianne's timing could not have been better.

Amelia rushed into the large, formal red-and-gold salon where Lloyd had escorted the women. As she went inside, she pa.s.sed a brown trunk in the front hall and she wondered if Simon was leaving. Her heart lurching, she paused on the threshold of the opulent room. Neither woman had taken a seat, and they both turned and smiled as one.

She forgot about being hurt and anguished. "I am so happy to see you both," she cried.

Julianne's eyes widened. "Are you all right?"

Amelia did not answer, hugging Julianne first. Simon's treachery hurt her so! She turned to Nadine, fighting sudden tears. And as she was embraced in return, she caught their reflections in the mirror hanging on one red wall.

Nadine was a pet.i.te but stunning brunette, resplendently dressed in a royal-blue gown and some small sapphires. Julianne was wearing crimson and rubies. Both women wore their natural hair, but Nadine had her long tresses curled and pulled to one side with blue ribbons, while Julianne wore an elaborate red-and-gold headdress with white lace. Both women were smiling, and obviously in good spirits.