Raiders Of The Lost Car Park Part 7

Then, the loss of the G.o.dolphin diamonds? Nope.

'What then? What? What? What?

'Twas for the blade of his silver pommelled sword-stick. That's what. And specifically its present location. The blade rose Excaliburesque, its pommel proud to the sky, its tip buried into Mother Earth.

But, 'twixt pommel and tip, the blade pa.s.sed directly through the crotch of the Inspectre's underpants.

'OH MY G.o.d!' Hovis raised himself upon his elbows and stared in terror at the s.h.i.+ning steel. He was pinned to the ground, pinned like a moth on a specimen board.

But how was he pinned?

Pinned by the privy member, that's how.

Another unholy wail escaped the dire detective's lips. Pinned by the pranger! Horror born of horror, born of nightmare, son of dread. And great granddaddy to the worst of all imaginings.

Hovis threw back his head and howled.

The wind also howled and the thunder roared. Inside the ice-cream van, Anna fumed, Cornelius schemed and Tuppe asked, 'How did you get me down off the ceiling?'

'You've Anna to thank for that.''He has?' Anna asked.

'Magic.' Cornelius straightened his now sodden cap and returned it to his head. 'The notes you played, Tuppe, to open the portals. They might open the portals, but whoever plays them is going to end up in orbit.'

'Nifty bit of defence.' Tuppe s.h.i.+fted his shoulders about. He ached plentifully. 'There's no under-estimating these fellows, is there? So what did you do?'

'I played the notes in reverse order. That voided the spell and you floated down. Well, fell down.

We nearly caught you.'

'Well thanks a lot. I really mean it. Where does that leave us now, by the way?'

'Sitting pretty.' Cornelius Murphy grinned for all he was worth. 'Because I now have a plan.'

Inspectre Hovis wasn't grinning. And he didn't have a plan. But he did cease the howling. He had no wish to be found in this condition by anyone, St John Ambulance, anyone.

He was going to have to get himself out of this.

Drenched to the skin, he lay and s.h.i.+vered. He was a dead man. He knew it. Cut off in his prime.

Emasculated. It was the monastery for him. Saint Sacco Benedetto's.

Inspectre Hovis tried to marshal his thoughts. But marshalled they would not be. They ran riot. They roared about the many things he had never done and now would never do. They kept roaring around certain lady newsreaders, and p.o.r.ny video viewings with the lads from vice squad. And in his delirium they roared around lady newsreaders in p.o.r.ny videos and him in p.o.r.ny videos with lady newsreaders and him at home with a lady news-reader, watching himself onscreen in a p.o.r.ny video with...

And then.

And then.

Hovis jerked up his head and gaped in the direction of his loins.

There were now two swords Excalibur. One rising from the outside of his pants. And a new one, rising to join it from within.

'O joy!' Hovis threw up his hands to the rain. The blade had missed him. His pranger was un-pranged. 'O joy. O bliss. For this deliverance, much thanks, O Lord.' The intact Inspectre cupped his hands in prayer. 'And now, where did that b.a.s.t.a.r.d go with those diamonds?'

At a little after one, the storm blew over and the stars returned to the night sky.

In the ice-cream van Cornelius asked, 'Are we all set?'

'I'm set,' said Tuppe.

'I'm not altogether set,' said Anna. 'Would you kindly run through this plan of yours, just one more time?'

'Certainly.' Cornelius sat at the driving wheel. 'Tuppe, as you can see, is now securely belted into the pa.s.senger seat. I will switch on the speaker system. Tuppe will play the magic notes. Throughout this musical interlude, you and I will have our fingers firmly plugged into our ears. When the portal opens, I switch off the speaker, Tuppe plays the notes in reverse order to void the spell on himself. If the portal is big enough, I back the van in. If not, we rush it on foot. Grab whatever looks worth grabbing then make our departure. That will be quite enough for one night.'

'I like it.' Tuppe nodded enthusiastically. 'I like it very much.'

Anna didn't like it. She shook her head.

'Would you prefer that I dropped you home before we start?'

'No way.' Anna folded her arms. 'I'm in this now, no matter what.'

'Good, then shall we do it?'

'Let's do it.' Tuppe. raised a small thumb in large support.

'Right.' Cornelius keyed the van's ignition and brrrrm'd the engine. 'Ready, Tuppe?'

'Ten four.' The small fellow tightened his seat belt.

Cornelius switched on the speaker system. 'Then blow,' he whispered.

And Tuppe blew. The magical notes breathed out into the otherwise still night air, piercing thefirmament. Severing that oh-so-slim and fragile little thread, which tethers us all to what we know as 'reality'.

Tuppe nodded to Cornelius. The tall boy took his fingers from his ears and switched off the speaker.

Tuppe hastily replayed the notes in reverse order, ceased to strain at his seat belt and slumped down.

'Did it work?' he enquired.

Anna peered out through the rear window. 'Holy s.h.i.+t!' said she.

'That would be a yes, I think.' Cornelius scrambled back to join her. Tuppe did likewise.

Something was happening. And it was some-thing awful strange. The ancient ivy-hung wall was vibrating. Rattling all about. there came a hissing and a grinding, as of steam being released and vast cog wheels engaging. And then a section of the wall literally plunged into the ground. Dropping away to reveal the yawning maw of proverb. The gateway, or one of them at least, into a world beyond.

Three faces gazed into it from the rear window. They wore expressions of considerable awe.

The long high one on the left said, 'I think we've cracked it.'

The low and cherubic one on the right nodded in agreement.

And the very beautiful one in the middle said, 'Let's grab that booty.'

The hideous green muscular thingy stood on Kew Bridge. It was smoking one of Inspectre Hovis's handmade cigarettes and wearing his regimental necktie. It was looking pretty pleased with itself. And feeling somewhat euphoric, these were rather special cigarettes, after all. It grinned, farted and tossed the little bag of diamonds up and down on the palm of its left claw. Another job jobbed. And gone midnight, that was time and a half. It would put in for its expenses with Mr Kobold as soon as it got back. All that was wanting now was the black cab that was supposed to pick the big green thingy up. Where was that Mulligan?

Fast asleep in his bed, that's where Mulligan was. And down in his wretched kitchen, the little red plastic telephone stood on the table. The receiver was off the hook.

And now upon Kew Bridge stepped unshod feet. A dripping wreck of a man hefted his swordstick in a muddy mit.

'Right, you b.a.s.t.a.r.d,' whispered Inspectre Hovis. 'You bally b.a.s.t.a.r.d. Enjoy your smoke. A few more puffs and you're all mine.'

'In and out,' said the tall boy at the wheel. 'Let's go.'

'Let's go.' Anna and Tuppe clung to what they could as Cornelius put the van into reverse. The wheels span on the wet road and Mulligan's Ices slewed through the open portal.

From one world to another.

And then it came a-shuddering to a halt. And then three people looked out from it. Somewhat uncertain of what they should actually do next.

'Lordy Lordy Lordy,' whistled Tuppe.

'And then some.' Cornelius tried to take it in. It took a fair amount of taking. They were now parked inside a vast Victorian warehouse. It spread away, acres of it, towards towering walls and rising iron-work. The roof was lost in shadow. What light there was came from no identifiable source.

The warehouse was here. But it couldn't be. They all knew it couldn't. They had driven through a gap in a wall, which led, according to the A-Z, and all reason, surely to the road which lay on the other side. But it didn't.

'It's incredible,' said Cornelius.

'It's impossible,' said Tuppe.

'It's empty!' said Anna.

And it was.

'Let's go see.' Cornelius swung open the driver's door and climbed down from the van. He sniffed the air. It was dead. Dry. Nothing lived in this place. Nothing. The 'tall boy shuddered. There was some-thing deeply unsettling about this huge and empty hall.Tuppe s.h.i.+nned down and dropped to the floor. 'Cornelius.'

'Yes, Tuppe?'

'I don't think we're in Kansas any more.

'That's very sad,' said Anna, following him down. 'Well I thought it was quite funny actually. I've been saving it up.'

'I liked it,' said Cornelius.

'Thank you, my friend.'

'Don't mention it.'

'So where is all the booty?' Anna asked. 'Don't get me wrong, this is very impressive. But other than for opening it up as a Rave Venue, it sucks.'

'Perhaps it's just an entrance,' Tuppe suggested.

Cornelius searched the horizons. 'I don't see any other doors.'

'Perhaps someone got here before us. Cleaned the place out.'

Cornelius shrugged. 'Let's take a look around. We might find something.'

'You take a look.' Anna folded her arms once more, in a manner which the epic duo were beginning to find mildly annoying.

'Please yourself' Cornelius struck off across the deserted floor. 'I'll see what I can... Oh s.h.i.+t!' He began to hop around on his left leg, clinging to his right knee.

'Is that supposed to be funny?' Anna asked. 'Be-cause, if it is, it isn't.'

'I b.u.mped into something.' Cornelius hopped to and fro. 'Something.... invisible.'

'Whoa,' went Tuppe. 'Invisible.'

'Don't take the p.i.s.s. I did. I really did.' Cornelius ceased his foolish hopping and kicked Out, favouring the left foot.

'I think he means it,' said Anna.

Tuppe chewed at his lip. 'Did you ever see Predator?' he whispered.

'Yeah,' said Anna. 'Wasn't that the one where the alien had this electronic camouflage that could bend light? Make itself invisible?'

'That's the boy. And it ripped out people's spines and took their skulls for trophies.'

A dull clang echoed about the walls of the ware-house.

'And Cornelius has just kicked it in the codpiece.' Tuppe hid his face. 'Tell me when it's all over, I don't want to watch.'

'Gotcha,' called Cornelius.

'Gotcha?' Tuppe asked.

'Over here, come on.

Tuppe shrugged and hastened over to Cornelius. Anna was there before him. 'What have you got?'

'Grazed knee.' Cornelius raised a trouser to display the wounded appendage.

'You've got really skinny legs,' Anna told him.

'I've got really short legs,' said Tuppe. 'They only just reach the ground. What have you found, Cornelius?'

'There's something here. Something big.' Corne-lius lowered his trouser leg and felt about before him. 'Here. Feel. Put your hands out.'

'I'm not keen, did you ever see-?'