Dead, Actually Part 12

I frowned. 'I dont think I would be . . .

He didnt answer immediately, just sat staring and rocking. When he did, his voice was low, soft. 'Youre right. You wouldnt be any different and thats what makes you so special. He stopped and frowned. 'But the rest of us? That stuff defines us. It gives us opportunities for good and bad. It gives us freedom though thats not always a great thing, Im learning.

'But could there really be that many big secrets?

He shrugged. 'Everyones got secrets, Willow. Everyones got something they wish they hadnt done. Thats human nature.

'But secrets big enough to want to see someone dead?

'Maybe . . .

I thought of JoJo back up in my room. Yes, she was there, Id checked. She still looked weak did that mean shed be completely gone one day? It was a risk I didnt want to take. It really bothered me that she was hazy on what had happened. I mean, what if she was wrong? Maybe there were two separate issues JoJos death and the threats?

'I still dont know. Like, it doesnt make sense to me. I mean, for starters, why keep the torture going? Its not like anythings being gained other than to send everyone insane and turn them all against each other.

He nodded and swallowed a huge gulp of c.o.ke.

'I think Kristies our best bet. Theres something about her, I continued, pus.h.i.+ng the bowl towards him. If I ate one more thing Id explode, and that was sooo not the look I was going for around Seth.

He nodded. 'Maybe we should call and see her tomorrow.

'On what excuse? Have you, like, ever just dropped in on her before? I mean, come on, Seth!

'Youve got no faith, Willow Cartwright! he answered with a grin which stayed in place the whole time it took to reach into his pocket and pull out something long and sparkly. Very sparkly. 'I found this bracelet on the deck. I was about to start asking around when it hit me that it could be a good way to get into their houses. We just knock on the door and ask if it belongs to them.

Amazing. I wanted to hurl myself at him. 'You are brilliant! But what about me? Whats my excuse for being there? You dont think theyd think it was a bit weird?

He shrugged. 'Yeah well, thats where my idea comes in . . .

There was something about the way he said those words. I felt my heart rate start to pick up. 'And?

He pursed his lips for a moment, his eyes twinkling. 'Not sure how youre going to take this, but . . .

'Come on!

He laughed; a soft, funny growl that made me melt. 'Okay, how would you like to be my girlfriend? Before I could explode with joy, he held up one hand. 'Dont panic I dont mean for real. Just thinking it might give us a better cover if we were together. It came to me today on the boat. He paused again, his eyes unsure. 'So, what do you think? Up for it?

What was I supposed to say? Admit hed just made me the happiest girl alive for one second before crus.h.i.+ng me to a pulp in the next? Swallowing deeply, I tried to weigh it all up. Of course it would be sweet torture. But then again, it could be a good plan and it wasnt like I was all that much closer to any answers the way I was travelling now.

But was I really ready to swallow any pride I had? Ready to take crumbs from Seth Pentecost? Because thats what our pretend romance would be crumbs.

Then again were crumbs better than starving to death?

I hadnt been able to look at him since hed made his announcement, and now finally I lifted my head. It was his eyes that prompted me into speech. Those eyes, so dark, so unsure . . .

Oh h.e.l.l, Id probably regret it but then again, these memories might be the ones that kept me warm in my old age. 'Yeah, why not.

He didnt smile. Just raised both eyebrows, and stared at me for a long minute. Then he sighed and shrugged. 'Okay then. Lets do it.

And yes, Im human; I wanted to know what that look meant, but Macey bounced over, again waving her phone. 'Hey bro! That was Dad on the phone. The prodigal father returneth! She sobered somewhat but her excitement was still pretty obvious. She was totally different around her dad softer somehow. I got it. Their dad spent most of the time away, and they both adored him. It was like their lives changed completely every time he made it back to The Coast.

I always envied them that that even though it wasnt very often, when they had him home, they had a cool dad. 'Hes on his way to Coolangatta airport and hes only here overnight. Im heading over. You coming? You too, Wills you know he loves seeing you.

I smiled at them. 'Nah. Im going to head home. I didnt run today and the bod is feeling stiff. I grinned. 'All this high livin and all . . . Not used to it.

Seth seemed to study me the whole time I spoke, and I started feeling really awkward. When they were dropping me off, Macey called us both on it.

I looked at him. 'I think you should tell her. Its your idea.

His nod was serious. 'Ill call you tomorrow, yeah? Well go out and see Kristie.

I nodded and wished Macey good luck. I went through to the laundry room and grabbed some running gear and my joggers, and headed for the beach.

I couldnt remember a time recently when I needed this more than I did right then. And that was saying something.

An hour later I felt calmer; I even began to feel more positive at least until I began to climb the stairs to my room. Funny, I remembered when this was an ordinary event. Now I dreaded every second, and if I wasnt pretty sure JoJo would follow me, Id have snagged one of the guest rooms.

Of course, she was waiting.

Amazingly, I was getting used to the drop in air temperature that again enveloped me as soon as I stepped through the door it was almost like having my own personal air-conditioner, and would be a b.i.t.c.h in winter.

One glance told me she was back 'in. 'I thought youd be hanging out with Simon.

'And I thought you were going to get me out of here. Why havent you found out anything? I cant believe Im stuck here with someone so clueless!

So, nothing had changed. 'Im the only clueless one? Should I remind you that you were there on the boat with me for some of that time and you arent exactly bursting with revelations? I thought at least youd be able to recognise the person who hates you so much that they wanted you dead. Help me and well get there faster.

I wasnt angry, just tired. I should have kept walking to my closet and let it all roll over me but no, I had to stop and dart one more look her way. And d.a.m.n it, she was looking so, so I dont know miserable? I sighed. I so got that it couldnt be easy being dead and h.e.l.l, it was a gig I didnt want to have to experience for a waaay long time to come. Maybe thats why it got to me. And I caved.

I walked towards where she sat in her usual position on the end of my bed. 'Hey, look . . . Maybe Ive been a bit rough on you. Maybe we should call some kind of truce.

The closer I got to her the wider her eyes opened. I thought it was appreciation. A breakthrough?

Again, I was wrong.

Her lip curled. Really. It curled. A nice mix of fear and disgust. Fear and disgust? So that should have been my clue, right?

One hand came up, giving me the halt signal. 'Oh my G.o.d, youre not going to touch me, are you? Youre wearing off-the-rack . . .

'What? She made it sound like I had some horrid disease. I raised my hands and let them fall in the cla.s.sic symbol of defeat. 'I give up, JoJo. I really give up. And you know? You can just go to h- I stopped as a new thought made an appearance. 'Oh my G.o.d why didnt I think of this before? h.e.l.l. I shook my head, sad and smug all at the same time. 'And thats all Im going to say on the subject.

And you know thats all it took. Part of the black cloud lifted. As for JoJo? She was strangely quiet, and that was one gift I was not going to question.

It was just a pity this good mood couldnt have lasted a bit longer.

An hour later I added 'trying to get my head around the domestic haven my house had become to the rest of the growing stockpile of emotions that I was trying to deal with. Particularly the idea of a meal being prepared and ready at usual meal times, which I hadnt organised. Even Rita hadnt been this good. It was all thanks to Suzy, but hey whatever worked. Even more mind-blowing was the fact that we were to eat in the dining room. Together. Id even forgotten what our table looked like because it was always loaded with piles of paper and boxes of leaflets. To see this sparkling gla.s.s table supported by the carved marble base was almost a shock. The French doors leading onto the deck were open and beyond that, in the dusk, the waves of Mermaid Beach crashed onto the sh.o.r.e. There were candles and flowers on the table and more candles on the tables on the deck. G.o.d, it was like Id fallen into the pages of Vogue Living all made more amazing by the new connection Id felt with Dad this morning. I sooo didnt want this fantasy to end.

Then our other guest wandered in, all showered and sparkly mostly thanks to the sunburn that gave him that special glow, which in a weird way suited his G.o.d-like looks.

And turned my stomach.

Still, having already AK-47-ed one house-guest that evening, I figured for the parents sake that Id try to spare this one. For now, though, the memory of Simon ogling Macey and following those other girls around still churned in my gut. Especially as I watched him sooo suck up to my parents.

He helped Mimi into her chair and rushed to pour both her and Dad some water. Meanwhile, I managed to seat myself and was way happy not to have his hands anywhere near my person.

When Suzy brought in the platters of sizzling, spicy chicken, steaming rice and a big green salad I almost haemorrhaged delight everywhere. And decided that I could give up vegetarianism for one night. In fact, for this I could almost be civil even to Simon.

Caught in the emotion of the moment, I leaned to the left and squeezed Dads hand. 'Hey, this is really, you know, nice. 'Which is why we should give thanks, said a voice to my right. 'Willow, maybe youd like to say grace.

h.e.l.lo? 'And maybe I wouldnt. Who made him the boss of everything? Surely this was still our house? Or had my parents given him that as well? Cue the good-mood-vacuum; I could feel all the happy vibes being sucked right out of me. I flicked a glance at Dad, then Mimi, who were looking at me like Simons request had been perfectly rational. Was everything he did right? Perfect? Did I get a say? Did our progress this morning mean nothing?

No. On principle I wouldnt do it. 'I think thats your gig, Simon. And Ill bet youll do a much better job. My words were spoken quietly. And I seriously fought the urge to shove three fingers down my throat; the sudden, alien, need to purge was totally overwhelming.

As it was, I almost didnt need any help purging. Simon did the grace honours, but it wasnt any form of thanks. It was a show and I couldnt believe I was the only one who noticed. Unhappy as I was, I probably could have coped if all the G.o.d stuff had stopped there, but the entire meal was a lecture about the weaknesses of the youth of today which morphed somehow into a lecture on loving your neighbour . . . And it was way more disturbing than boring. Because while he was jabbering on, the image of him drooling over Macey and salivating over all the other girls wouldnt go away. Maybe thats what he meant? Maybe Simons idea of loving his neighbour was waaay different to my parents beliefs. Maybe I should suggest they swap notes for comparison purposes.

But his hypocrisy wasnt my biggest problem with Simon. No, my biggest problem was that my parents were hanging on every word. They had never, ever listened to me with that much focus. Nor did they talk to me; not like they did to Simon. Wed never had the G.o.d Talk. But then again, we also hadnt had the s.e.x Talk, or the Responsibility With Money Talk or the What Will You Do With Your Life Talk either. h.e.l.l, wed never even had the Whose Turn Is It To Do The Dishes Talk! We didnt talk, period.

And here they were talking! More animated than Id ever seen them.

Pain sliced through me. So, what did that mean? That it was me? Like, they could talk to a virtual stranger but not to their own daughter? Indigestion burned a path down to my stomach and maybe in light of that it wasnt surprising that I hit back. Childish, foolish and stupid but I still did it.

'So Simon dont you think you should at least be a good person before you go around criticising everyone else for not being "good"? I even did the geeky finger quote marks. 'Like, what do you think of guys who grope girls they barely know?

I watched his face glow even brighter and knew Id scored a point, but before he could actually start to form his defence Dad spoke up, his words accompanied by the usual head wobble. 'Simon would never be into that stuff, Wills. Hed have too much respect. Hes already said that women will play a big role in his ministry.

Simon nodded. 'Id be honoured if youd take a role in that, Willow. I have the deepest respect for women and I know youd be a good role model.

Deepest respect? I almost choked. Not from where I was standing . . .

'You know, Willow, thats a great idea. You could learn a lot from Simon, Mimi added with a wave in his direction. 'His plans for his youth ministries are amazing! And the drug rehabilitation! She stopped and beamed at him. 'Did we tell you that were now considering funding a church here on the Gold Coast? Simons been researching and it seems theres a great need right here under our own noses.

'And so much more pleasant than the unsanitary conditions, flies and heat of a third-world country, I muttered between clenched teeth.

Not hearing me, Dad took up the cause. 'Its a great idea. Might cost a bit more, but Simons philosophy fits perfectly. Hes determined that no one will ever be turned away from his church, no matter who they are or what theyve done. Youve got to love that.

'No, I totally agree he doesnt seem to discriminate, I said with an alarming level of spite. 'You were pretty busy with Chloe today. Then Demi . . . What were you doing down in the cabins with her by the way? Bible studies?

His eyes narrowed at me across the table. 'She needed to talk . . .

'Hmmnn, I said thoughtfully. 'I had a feeling it was something religious. Did you get to "know" her? Biblically speaking?

My parents eyes were s.h.i.+fting from one to the other. 'He was probably trying to help her, Wills. Simons heard some of the girls at your school are a bit, you know, troubled, Dad offered.

Mimi nodded. 'Thats why were lucky we found him. We know life hasnt always been easy, Willow, but were trying to make up for a lot of things. And Simon is such a help: hes like a son and the big brother we always wanted for you.

The words were gushed, and they pushed the spear in deeper. And twisted it. If he had a darker side, they didnt want to know.

Simon was the golden child.

Okay, I was used to being betrayed by my parents, but while it had always hurt, Id always known they were oblivious; clueless. Theyd never actually deliberately turned on me. Till now. And in that moment the line was drawn in the sand, and Simon knew it. He almost smirked I saw the nasty mouth-twist beginning, but he caught it just in time. So, there we were again the other three all happily holding hands on one side of the line and there was me on the other side. Alone.

Just like always.

My eyes did a quick slide across them: the enemy camp. Dad was pa.s.sing bread around like he and Mimi hadnt just sliced my heart in two. And before me the dream of having a normal family that shared a meal in harmony disintegrated into a nightmare.

I didnt say a word; I couldnt. The chicken was now doing an aerobics session in my stomach and it had nothing to do with the fact that I usually avoided animal products. It was totally due to the cruel reminder that I just didnt mean that much to my parents. All the excuses Id made for them for years were just that, excuses.

And thats what I needed to do right then excuse myself. Before I actually broke down and begged them to love me.

And Id be d.a.m.ned if Id give Simon the satisfaction of seeing that little display of patheticness. Without a word, I stood and walked out to the kitchen with my plate. One more bite and Id lose the lot. But when Id sc.r.a.ped the plate and leaned towards the dishwasher, I felt his arms slip around my waist and my stomach clenched so hard at his touch that I actually tasted the vomit. The plate clattered into the dishwasher and I swiped one hand across my mouth. Heart thundering, I gathered every ounce of strength to shove him away with the other. 'Let go, Simon!

'Or youll what? Tell Mommy and Daddy?

I dodged his arms, ducking around him to leave the room. 'Theyll see through you, Simon, I snarled. 'Theyll find out that youre not as holy and pure as you pretend!

His laughter was almost my undoing. My words had washed over him; they hadnt even as much as ruffled his hair. 'Your parents? I wouldnt count on it, w.i.l.l.y-Babe. Im the son theyve always wanted. Remember? I forced my face to stay neutral, but I knew the cracks were showing. It was there in his answering grin. 'Come along to my room one day and Ill show you all the emails. They must have told me twenty times.

The son theyd always wanted. Theyd never told me I was the daughter they wanted. Not once.

Crying starts in your chest. I hadnt known that till then. First theres the tightness, then the lump in your throat and finally the burn that builds behind your eyelids. I ignored them all. I didnt cry. I never cried. Hadnt really, really cried since I was six years old. So, there was no way I was going to let any tears fall, no matter how badly I was hurting.

Especially in front of Simon.

With luck Id make it to my bathroom without losing dinner.

Of course, there lay another problem. Storming into my room and seeing JoJo perched on the end of the bed was beginning to feel like Groundhog Day.

And things didnt look like changing any time soon. I didnt even look at her as I pa.s.sed through to the bathroom. 'Not tonight, JoJo. One word and I promise you Im going to prove people can die twice. Got it? Oh and Im taking the bed.

In the shower it was a compet.i.tion between me and the nozzle as to which one actually spouted the most water. Tears Id held in check for years finally broke the banks and rained from me. Tears I said Id never cry. But I guessed everyone had their breaking point. Id just found mine.

I always thought it would be Seth who pushed me that far, and somehow it hurt even more that it was my parents.

When I came back out, JoJo was still there and I was in no mood to argue and lose, so I just pushed into the bed and dragged the covers over me. She huffed for a while, but then she sighed and went to the chaise longue. OMG something actually worked.

Not that I gave her comfort much consideration. Falling back on old self-preservation tricks, I deliberately flooded my mind with other thoughts that would take my focus away from all the hurt.

Most times my diversion thoughts centred on Seth, but tonight that only dredged up more painful memories, so I focussed on the other major problem in my life; the only one I had a slight chance of resolving: finding the stupid phone and getting rid of JoJo. Trouble was, that took me right back to Seth.

And my ongoing fantasy that we were a couple. And I felt the satin sheets of being loved and belonging wrap themselves around me; coc.o.o.n me. It was my favourite fantasy.

Tomorrow I would worry about JoJo. Tomorrow wed start the investigation properly. Tomorrow wed probably start with Kristie and maybe that was going to finally shed light on this whole nightmare.

And I would totally ignore the fact that on the list of important things in my parents lives I came somewhere below haemorrhoid cream and foot-fungus powder.