You Had Me At Hello Part 26

'Actually ...' Simon now looks uncomfortable, which is novel '... the last woman I fell for was married. It's made me cautious of complications, shall we say.'

'What happened?'

He acts as if he hasn't heard me, picking imaginary lint off his sleeve.

'I didn't mean to get on to this before we'd ordered the wine.'

'Let's go with it. I don't know all the modern dating guidelines anyway.'

'I was keen. She turned out to be married. Husband found out. She stayed with him. Anecdote ends.'

'I can promise you I'm not married.'

'This much I know. No other huge terrible secret weighing on you that you'd like to declare?'

'Only that I know nothing about wine.'

'Allow me,' Simon says, back in his element. 'What main course are you having? Meat or fish? You're not a troublemaker, are you?'

'Troublemaker?'

'Vegetarian, pescatarian, humanitarian. Any other euphemisms for pleasure-intolerant.'

'I won't eat anything with a face,' I say, pretend-pious.

'Oh, don't worry. Everything I'm going to order has had its face sliced off.'

I'd worried that the adversarial nature of conversation with Simon could be difficult once I was his date. I needn't have. He keeps things bouncing along with a stream of polite questions. He tells me about colourful clients, I tell him about colourful court cases. We trade tales about barristers and judges we're mutually acquainted with. He moans about intrusive, slapdash reporters, I complain about standoffish, unnecessarily secretive solicitors to even things up.

He seems genuinely interested and amused, and after a while I notice how much I'm enjoying being listened to. His attentiveness is slightly intoxicating, though not as intoxicating as the heavy red he chose.

Rhys would sit here grunting, eyes flicking towards the exits, foot tapping a rhythm on the floor, impatience greeting my every utterance. Band practice aside, he liked to move in an established pattern between three points on a triangle home, work, pub and any deviation left him agitated, almost resentful.

While I appreciate the contrast, it gradually dawns on me that while Rhys was rough going, Simon is all planed, slippery surfaces. There's nothing to throw a grappling hook into and actually make some headway in getting to know him. There's one moment his composure unexpectedly wobbles, when I mention a colleague of his who gets all the females in crown court swooning.

Simon snaps 'Really?' as if this is incomprehensible and promptly changes the subject. I vaguely wonder if he's the jealous type.

The discussion turns towards a couple in the same department at Simon's firm, and how the employees get drawn into their domestics.

'I've always thought it's a bad idea to be in the same line of work. Too much shop talk, and rivalry.'

'Ben and Olivia seem to do all right,' I say.

'They have their moments.'

'Do they?' I'm not entirely sure what he means and try to conceal my curiosity.

Simon pours out the last inches of the wine. 'Liv wears the trousers, no question. I think moving up here's the first time Ben's a.s.serted himself and she's still getting used to it. I told him, never marry a woman with that much more money than you. She's going to think she's the manager in the marriage. And lo and behold ...'

'Does Olivia earn that much more?'

'It's not what she earns, it's the money she's from. Her dad sold his haulage firm and retired when he was forty or so. Olivia doesn't have to work.'

Goodness, all those gifts and rich too.

'Perhaps she likes her independence,' I say.

'Oh yes. Don't get me wrong. Totty breaking the gla.s.s ceiling is a fine thing.'

'Most of what you say is ironic, right?'

'I'm only s.e.xist insofar as blaming womankind alone for James Blunt's success. Nightcap?' Simon asks, beckoning the waitress for the bill.

'I'd like to get this,' I say, decisively, also gesturing for the bill.

'That's good to know.'

The waitress a.s.sesses the balance of power and the bill is handed to Simon on a saucer. He slips his card on top and hands it straight back.

42.

When Simon said he 'knew a place', I pictured a plush gentlemen's club with wingback chairs and burgundy Regency stripe wallpaper and crackling fires. Simon would flash members.h.i.+p ID, or give the liveried doorman a Masonic handshake, and the gates would swing open.

Instead we duck down a barely-lit backstreet to a scuzzy den for the kind of career drinkers who can sniff out a late licence with nose aloft, like a Bisto kid.

'Mind. The yack,' Simon says, in a tube station announcer voice, his hand gripping my elbow to guide me round a dustbin lid-sized puddle of puke near the door. The venue is marked only by a illuminated white sign advertising a brand of beer. Nearby there's a gaggle of unsavoury characters who instinctively turn their backs on us in case we gather too much detail for the photo-fit.

'Know how to show a girl a good time, don't you? Do you meet clients here?'

'Ah, come on now. The Rachel I'm getting to know doesn't need lacy doilies under her drinks.'

He holds the door open for me. I get an unexpected stirring of attraction towards him, simultaneously noticing how tall he is and how well on the way to drunk I am, and that I like it that he has surprises.

The grimy exterior gives way to a grimier interior, a bas.e.m.e.nt with bar stools and a big Wurlitzer-style jukebox, like a super-sized garish toy or leftover Doctor Who prop. The lighting is set to 'gloaming', the air perfumed with an unmistakable acidic base note of unclean latrine.

'Vodka tonic's your drink, isn't it?'

'Thanks,' I nod, though it isn't, it's Caroline's drink, and I don't know if this is significant. I find a booth. He puts the drinks down and slides into the seat opposite, trousers squeaking on its vinyl cover.

'This surely isn't a Simon-ish place,' I say. 'You're throwing me a curve ball to see if I can catch it.'

'After one date, or ...' he pulls back a cuff to check what appears to be a Breitling watch, which rather underlines my point he'll probably get his arm snapped like a pool cue for it '... two-thirds of one date, how would you know what a Simon-ish place is like?'

'Come on, of course it isn't.' I pause. 'What was all that stuff about the hypocrisy of marriage at Ben and Olivia's dinner party, then?'

Simon smirks. 'I wondered when this would come up.'

'I'm not asking because I'm bothered,' I say, curtly, with a smile.

'Why, then?'

'Most guests just try to avoid giving offence like that.'

'Is saying most people are giving up when they settle down that controversial? I bet they agreed with me. I'd question how brutally honest anyone could be on that subject, with their spouse sat beside them.'

'You weren't thinking of anyone in particular?'

Simon raises his eyebrow. 'I'm taking my own advice and going no comment. How about you tell me something about this engagement you broke off?'

'Do I have to?'

'Well, it's usual to find out something personal about each other on a first date, and so far I know that you're not fond of beetroot.'

'There's not much to tell. We were together a long time, we were engaged, it became obvious neither of us was that keen on getting wed and I was the one to say so.'

'He didn't want it to end?'

'No.'

'Any chance of a reconciliation?'

'Doubt it.'

Despite my best efforts, my voice has thickened.

'How long were you together?'

'Thirteen years.'

'Ouch. I guessed it was a while.'

I'm sure that Ben will have told Simon this, yet I humour him by asking why.

'You have the hunted, wary look of the serial monogamist who's unexpectedly stumbled back into the singles jungle and forgotten she needs a machete.'

I laugh.

'It's harder for women,' Simon says. 'Single blokes in their thirties look choosy; women worry they look like victims of that choosiness.'

I gasp, and Simon adds: 'Even when it's entirely unwarranted. Anyway, there's worse things. Like Matt and Lucy. What a ch.o.r.e they were.'

I laugh, nodding vigorously.

'So was Ben quite the boy at university?' he continues.

'He had a few girlfriends, yeah.'

'Surprised you weren't among them.'

'Why?' Nervous again. I hope he's not going to do a 'trip to The Cheese Shop' line and order a whole truckle of cheddar by implying I'm irresistible. I doubt it would be sincere.

Simon shrugs, necks the last of his neat vodka.

'You're cute and you two appear simpatico, somehow.'

'Like I said, thirteen years. I wasn't single,' I say.

'Doesn't always stop people.'

'Are you looking for, what do they call it, watercooler conversation?'

Simon laughs. 'G.o.d, the ladies at work are nauseating about him.'

'Yup, that sounds like the Ben Effect,' I laugh, hopefully lightly. 'Why did you ask me out?' I say, to turn the topic, and as soon as the question's left my mouth I rue it. 'I mean, I didn't think I'd be your type.'

'And what did you think my type would be?'

'Uh. Zara Phillips? Someone horsey but dirty who you can still take home to Mummy.'

Simon laughs heartily at this. 'You've got me pegged as some upper-crust idiot, haven't you? Don't be so quick to pigeonhole.'

'Hah, like you haven't done the same in reverse?'

'Absolutely not. I like people with some mystery.' Simon rolls his empty gla.s.s between his palms.

'I have mystery?'

'Oh yes. There's definitely something you're not telling.'

For once, a glib comeback doesn't spring to my lips.

Two drinks down in the dive bar and the landscape starts to tilt. I don't want to lose control and I don't meet any resistance from Simon when I say it's time I went home.

He insists on walking me back to my flat and mentions how he can just as easily catch his cab from there, in case I think he's trying it on.

I like the city late at night, the blasts of music and the splashes of light cast from bars that are still open, shoals of brightly-dressed clubbers, the beeping taxis and the greasy, savoury smell of meat and onions from the burger vans. We walk briskly, looping round the groups of people who intermittently block the pavement, arriving outside my flat in jump-cut drunken time. On the way out, the same distance apparently took three times as long to cover.

'Night then. Thanks for a lovely evening,' I say, amazed to find I haven't consumed enough alcohol to stop this being awkward. d.a.m.n fresh air.

'Come here,' Simon says, in a low voice, pulling me towards him, and I think how very Simon it is to issue commands instead of endearments.