The Borowitz Report Part 11

TIM RUSSERT PLANNING TO USE ANNOYING CHALKBOARD ON ELECTION NIGHT AGAIN, NBC EXECS FEAR.

Newsman, Irritating Prop Have Been "Inseparable" Since Election 2000 NBC newsman Tim Russert, who used a small, handheld chalkboard to ill.u.s.trate various Electoral College calculations on Election Night 2000, plans to use the annoying prop again this Tuesday night, network insiders worry.

"That chalkboard of Tim's was cute at first," one NBC news executive said today. "But ever since the 2000 election, Tim's been carrying it around everywhere he goes. I mean, get over it."

Other executives agreed, saying Mr. Russert and his chalkboard have been "inseparable" since the lame prop made its debut in 2000.

According to one news executive, Mr. Russert brings the chalkboard with him to NBC staff meetings and uses it to tally up how many good points he makes, as well as how many stupid remarks are made by others.

"He has one column on the chalkboard labeled GOOD, and one labeled STUPID, and he's always making these little chalk marks when you're trying to say something," the executive said. "Tim and his little chalkboard have turned into one gigantic pain in the a.s.s, and I'm not the only one who feels that way."

Tim Russert's annoying little chalkboard has worn out its welcome, coworkers say.

In other election coverage news, the three major networks announced today that they have agreed to wait until the polls are closed before incorrectly predicting the winner of a tight congressional race.

"Once we have confirmation that the polls have closed, then and only then will we incorrectly announce that the loser won the race," CBS anchor Dan Rather said.

G.o.d, GOOGLED, EXISTS.

59,900,000 Search Results Evidence of Deity, Experts Agree In the most conclusive evidence of a Supreme Being ever discovered, a Google search of G.o.d has proved once and for all that He exists, theologians agreed today.

"To those doubters out there who still don't believe that G.o.d exists, I have just one piece of advice: Google Him," said Dr. George Darlington of the University of Minnesota Divinity School.

The Google search of G.o.d turned up over 59 million websites featuring Him, a number that theological scholars around the world said makes G.o.d's existence an open and shut case.

The stunning discovery, expected to wipe out atheism worldwide, was made entirely by accident by Jason Blivens, 22, a video-store clerk in Tacoma, Was.h.i.+ngton.

Speaking to reporters today at his home, Mr. Blivens said he meant to do a Google search of the word "bod" but accidentally typed the letter "g" instead of "b."

"As soon as those search results came up, I immediately alerted the authorities," Mr. Blivens said. "I knew this was something big."

In contrast with the 59 million sites found for G.o.d, a Google for Satan turned up only 3 million sites, suggesting that G.o.d is much more powerful than Satan, as theologians have long argued.

But in a finding that some scholars called worrisome, Paris Hilton turned up on over 3.5 million sites, indicating that the hotel heiress has actually eclipsed the Lord of Darkness as a force for evil.

In a positive development, however, "good" received 178 million search results while "evil" snagged only 17 million, 16 million of those stemming from foreign policy speeches by President George W. Bush.

LET THERE BE SITES: The Almighty racks up impressive Google stats.

STEINBRENNER BUYS FENWAY PARK.

Homeless Red Sox Cry Foul George Steinbrenner's buying spree continued unabated today as the New York Yankees owner purchased Fenway Park, the legendary home of the archrival Boston Red Sox.

In buying Fenway out from under the Sox, Mr. Steinbrenner has left his Eastern Division rivals without a stadium for the first time in their history, jeopardizing the Red Sox's bid for the American League pennant.

"It is hard to win a champions.h.i.+p without pitching or hitting," said David Hastings, a sports historian at the University of Minnesota. "But it is virtually impossible to win without a stadium."

Red Sox owner John Henry, who spent most of the day scrambling to find a high school sandlot where his team might play the 2004 season, held an emotional press conference in Boston to denounce the big-spending Yankee honcho.

"d.a.m.n you, George Steinbrenner, d.a.m.n you!" swore Mr. Henry, shaking his fist violently.

But Mr. Steinbrenner's shopping day had barely begun, as he went on to outbid the Walt Disney Company for the legendary puppet characters the Muppets.

While Mr. Steinbrenner did not indicate what role the Muppet characters might play in the Yankee organization, his aggressive purchase of Kermit, Miss Piggy et al. reinforced the impression in baseball circles that the Yankee owner is willing to buy anything that is not nailed down.

Yankee owner George Steinbrenner's decision to buy Fenway Park has left the Boston Red Sox without a home for the first time in franchise history.

Having a.s.sumed the $250 million contract of third baseman Alex Rodriguez, however, Mr. Steinbrenner acknowledged that he might have to economize by outsourcing second base to India.

In other baseball news, North Korea's Kim Jong Il revealed that he attempted to acquire A-Rod until he was told that A-Rod was not a piece of nuclear fuel.

SADDAM'S TRIAL SET FOR MODESTO

Blunts Economic Impact of Losing Peterson Case, Locals Say Despite mounting protests from Iraqi s.h.i.+tes demanding that the U.S. turn over Saddam Hussein to them for trial, interim administrator Paul Bremer III announced today that the former Iraqi dictator would be put on trial this spring in Modesto, California.

"We needed to find a place where jurors were likely to give Saddam a fair trial," Mr. Bremer explained to reporters. "In Modesto, almost no one has heard of Saddam because the only news they have been getting for the last year has been about Scott Peterson."

In contrast with the s.h.i.+tes, who took to the streets to protest the decision, Modesto residents were jubilant at the prospect of hosting the high-profile trial, especially after losing the Peterson trial to San Mateo County.

"The economic impact of losing the Scott Peterson case was devastating," said Ryan McCoy, who owns a cafe in downtown Modesto and sells gallons of Evian water to visiting journalists. "That's why it's such a good thing that we got Saddam-whoever he is."

But even as Modesto residents celebrated landing the Iraqi madman's trial, legal experts worried that locals here may not know enough about Saddam Hussein to sit on his jury, with many prospective jurors believing that Saddam was somehow implicated in the Peterson case.

When asked the question, "Who is Saddam Hussein?" Modesto resident Jan Clarke, 35, gave a typical response: "Is he the guy who rented the boat to Scott?"

In Baghdad, Mr. Bremer said the U.S. was exploring a number of scenarios to compensate the angry s.h.i.+tes for the loss of Saddam, including moving Michael Jackson's trial to the southern city of Basra.

Sound trucks are at the ready for Saddam Hussein's much-antic.i.p.ated trial in Modesto, California.

NORTH KOREA EXPELS IRAN FROM AXIS OF EVIL; NO LONGER EVIL ENOUGH, SAYS KIM.

Looking for "Evillerdoer," North Korean Says One day after Iran agreed to put a halt to its nuclear program in response to pressure from the international community, North Korea expelled Iran from the Axis of Evil, saying that Iran was "no longer evil enough."

The decision to oust Iran was made unilaterally by North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il, who aides said was "hopping mad" at Iran's decision to abide by the anti-nuke mandate.

"You call yourself evildoers?" a furious Kim reportedly bellowed into the phone when he received a call from Iran's Foreign Minister Kamal Kharrazi, notifying him of Iran's decision to comply. "My sharpei is eviller than you!"

The expulsion of Iran is just the latest blow to the Axis of Evil, long considered the most elite club of evildoers in the world.

The AOE already lost one of its founding members, Iraq, with the fall of Iraqi madman Saddam Hussein in April, making the departure of Iran potentially devastating to the evil consortium.

As a result, Mr. Kim has s.h.i.+fted into recruitment mode, looking for what he called an "evillerdoer" or two who could join the Axis of Evil and bring it back up to full strength.

Iranian soldiers bid a fond farewell to the Axis of Evil just hours after being dismissed by a furious Kim Jong Il of North Korea.

On Mr. Kim's short list, aides say, are the nation of Syria and the singer-actress Liza Minnelli, who yesterday was accused of beating up her ex-husband, David Gest, during their brief but tempestuous union.

Elsewhere, in a Pentagon memo released today, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld writes that there is no way of knowing what, if any, progress has been made in the war against Condoleezza Rice.

KIM'S BLOG The Axis of Evil was a cool idea in the beginning-get the most evil nations in the world together around a table and see if we could do bigger, better evil things by working as a unit than we could if we were out on our own. At the very least, I thought, it was a chance to share some basic things like mailing lists.

Somewhere along the line, though, things went horribly wrong. I know, it's time for me to stop b.i.t.c.hing about Iraq and Iran dropping out of the Axis-it's time for me to move on, and find new, truly evil Axis members.

One thing I've decided, though-after getting burned by Iraq and Iran, I'm going to make double-d.a.m.n sure that any evildoers who want to join the AOE in the future have "the right stuff" to be a member in good standing. To that end, I've devised the following "Axis of Evil Apt.i.tude Test."

1. When you see a little old lady crossing the street, do you: a. help her across b. run for your 1 life?

c. remove a manhole cover and give her a swift kick in the a.s.s?

2. What words best describe you?

a. thoughtful and caring b. works well with others c. the devil incarnate 3. If you won Superlotto or Powerball, would you: a. retire to the South of France b. create a charitable foundation to stamp out poverty c. plow it all into spent nuclear fuel rods and torture chambers If you answered "c" to the above questions, please send your resume to: Peace out!

KERRY BASHES DEAN'S HEAD AGAINST HOOD OF CAR

Hot-Tempered Dems in Parking-Lot Free-for-All The hotly contested Iowa race reached the boiling point today as Sen. John Kerry (D-Ma.s.s.) repeatedly bashed former Vermont Governor Howard Dean's head against the hood of a car in a Davenport parking lot.

The violent incident occurred outside the town hall after a candidates' forum and may have been ignited by what was described as a "taunting dance" performed by Mr. Dean.

The former Vermont Governor, giddy with the endors.e.m.e.nt of former rival Amba.s.sador Carol Moseley Braun, was doing an "end-zone boogie" for Mr. Kerry's benefit when the Ma.s.sachusetts senator blew his stack.

With Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Ma.s.s.) pinning Mr. Dean's arms, Mr. Kerry started bas.h.i.+ng the frontrunner's head against the hood of a parked Saturn.

"I've had just about enough of you, Howard!" Mr. Kerry reportedly thundered.

Within moments, Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) appeared, jumping on Mr. Kerry's back and pulling him off Mr. Dean, provoking the remaining Democratic contenders to join the fray.

Mark Newton, a parking-lot attendant who witnessed the fight, said, "Gephardt was fighting like a girl, slapping and all. It made me think twice about voting for him."

Reached in New Hamps.h.i.+re, retired General Wesley Clark told reporters, "This is why I skipped Iowa. I had a feeling something like this would happen."

But parking-lot attendant Newton expressed the view of many Democrats in Iowa when he said he was "disappointed" by the violent free-for-all.

"These guys finally do something worth watching, and it's not even on TV," he said.

Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean's steady stream of sarcastic remarks may have sparked Sen. John Kerry's parking-lot rampage.

SCHWARZENEGGER ORDERS BREAST IMPLANT INSPECTIONS.

Names Self Inspector-in-Chief Calling silicone breast implants "the biggest problem facing California today," Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today ordered mandatory silicone breast implant inspections for every woman in California.

"The time has come to say 'hasta la vista' to fake b.r.e.a.s.t.s," Governor Schwarzenegger said, introducing a bill calling for silicone inspection teams to fan out across the state.