LEGEND OF THE GOLDEN TIGRESS 420 A Change

" Apparently, in the letter the Water Empress wrote for you, she asked for your help to take her out of the Water Kingdom. That dowager is apparently creating a lot of trouble for her and she wanted a safe s.p.a.ce. Since you weren't replying, the Water Empress sent a letter to our Emperor. My husband who was waiting outside the Imperial study happened to hear the Emperor talking about this to Prince Jin. I thought you knew... ", Maya herself was confused.

Surely these kind of important matters should have reached her ears, right?

" Is that so.. ", Xing's tone was flat as she held back her tears.

Seiren who overheard the talk between them told his wife without hiding anything from her. Yet her husband...

He doesn't trust me for some reason. Why might that be?

No matter how much Xing racked her mind, she couldn't possibly understand why he might be acting this way.

"When was that?", Xing asked. So Yukiko is in trouble?

"At least a couple months back", Maya replied with her pretty brown eyes focused at Xing.

"It seems like that was solved though. There seems to be another letter saying that she is fine and no need to bother you. She was also worried for your well-being it seems since she didn't receive any reply for the other two letters she wrote. I thought that you must have figured out her location ready.... But never mind... ", Maya deviated to other topics as she could feel Xing's dejection.

So he held three of Yukiko's letters back? Xing felt like thousand needles were p.r.i.c.king her heart.

What did I do to deserve his scrutiny? Why can't he tell me what it is?

" So Yukiko is fine now?", Xing confirmed with Maya before she left for her Manor. As she saw the big threshold of their Manor, she felt that eerie feeling she had when she entered the palace.

She took a deep breath before she stepped inside the manor. She might be restricted in there but she still wanted to be there since he is there.

As she got inside she saw all of the servants from her courtyard kneeling in front of Chenglei.

It seemed like he was about to mete punishment for letting her out and Xing just went and stood beside him wordlessly.

What a tactic he is using! She thought. He knows that I don't like to hurt the servants needlessly and he is threatening me by hurting them.

Why? Why do you want me to stay inside that much?

She didn't know whether he changed her mind by her presence or it was his original plan but in the end the servants were fired. Xing got inside her courtyard without even looking back at Chenglei and she could hear him leaving and uncontrollably sighed.

So he won't even ask me for explanation.

"Were there any letters for me from Yukiko?", Xing asked turning back to see his leaving back. His firm back looked thinner and he even was slouching. Something he never did.

" Those might have been misplaced. I'll ask someone to deliver it to you", he said and walked out of their courtyard.

Sometime later she got the letters from Yukiko. It seemed like the first letter was for congratulating her on her wedding. In the end she wrote that she wanted to meet her to discuss something important.

So this was about her wanting a secure place for her? If Kouki discussed it with Chenglei, he stopped Kouki from acting too? But why?

The next letter Yukiko wrote was about how she still haven't gotten any reply and rehashed everything in the first letter and the third letter was about how happy she was with her husband by her side and she seemed to be in high spirits.

In the end, Yukiko is fine! Xing relaxed a bit.

After taking a bath and drinking just milk for dinner she went to bed. She didn't feel like eating the past few days. She wasn't interested in anything the past few days.

Xing laid on the bed and looked to her side. She gently traced to her side where it was cold and devoid of any warmth. That big bed felt so lonely without her man by her side.

Sleep missed her as she closed her eyes and tried to sleep. She thought if she slept, she wouldn't feel that sorrow bubbling inside her heart but it seemed like she couldn't do it either.

Why am I such a failure? She sighed.

In the dark room with not much light on, Xing with her eyes closed was trying to keep her sanity. In that dark night, her thoughts wandered to darkness too. She felt like she had no one to support her. Throughout her life she only considered Chenglei as her biggest support and in the past few years after he forgot her, she learnt to take care of herself.

But then she met him again and even though there were some tough times, Chenglei ended up marrying her and treated her really well and Xing who got used to that treatment of him and was really blissful. But then again he returned back to his coldness and she felt like she was abandoned once again.

And it hurt more this time!

At least in the past there were Fei Lian, Mazu, Bai Li and Master Yuan who would appear at times and spending time with them would help her. But these days they aren't there for her either.

Abandonment, despair and hopelessness filled her heart and soul.

Should I shut myself up so I couldn't feel this pain? She wondered. Or maybe I should just leave and live somewhere alone!

She knew in the past she shut herself up and Haru is still scared of her doing that. And then, everyone will worry for her if she disappears suddenly.

As she remembered everyone who still loved her like before, Haru and his family, her father and brother and her friends,her mind changed.

They will be sad if I suddenly disappear. I cannot hurt them. But what must I do?

Just as she was sinking to a deep abyss of depression, she felt the familiar and gentle hand on her forehead. Chenglei's fingers were so gentle as they gently traced over her cheeks and his hands rested on her cheeks and his warm lips came in contact with her forehead.

She thought that she was dreaming since she felt that there is no way that man who looked at her coldly that evening would be this gentle with her in the night when he thinks she is sleeping.

He doesn't hate me.

So why? Why is he acting that way with me when I am awake? What did I do to garner his anger?

Chenglei who was hurt himself by the way he acted towards her in the evening, came to have a look at her as he couldn't sleep either.

He didn't show her that letter because that Empress had reminded her if her past lover and added to be happy with her new life. He got jealous that everyone thought that this old lover of hers is unforgettable and superior. Even though that Empress wanted his JiaXing to have a happy life with him, she reminded her of her old lover too. And so he hid the first letter and the next letters indicated that she wrote letters previously and Chenglei who wanted to hide his first mistake went all in and hid the other letters too.

And today he was feeling guilty that he hid those letters and so he left without even talking to her. But he couldn't stay away from her as her soft whimpers were heard from where he was and he knew it was his delusions but still he couldn't stay in the study and came to check up on her.

He thought that she might have been crying and wanted to comfort her but to his surprise she was sleeping. There was a deep frown in between her eyebrows and he didn't like that.

He knew he broke her for his own selfish needs. And he despised himself more because he knew he is the one who is hurting her more. He was scared that she'd disappear like the wind. He knew he couldn't blame her if she disappeared. He deserves it.

But he still yearned for her love. At least once in his life, he wanted someone only for himself.

JiaXing! This life you are the only one I want for myself, entirely. Is that wrong of me to think that? Why can't you belong just to me just like I belong only to you?

I love you, JiaXing! Enough for me to feel like my bones are melting.

I want to let you go like you want but I really cannot let you go.

I want you. I need you!

Please! Please, stay by me! Please!

Before he knew it, he was kissing her in the forehead. And that's when he noticed that she is holding her breath.

Is she awake?

Chenglei was scared to look in that free-spirited yet sharp eyes of hers. Without even letting her voice out, this woman had the capacity to scream out loud with just her eyes.

I'm happy, I'm elated, I'm sad, I'm depressed, I'm angry....

Not only her moods, she could easily judge him too.

He was scared what her eyes would reveal now once she opens them.

Surely it would be the same way his mother looked at him,right?

His mother used to say that he breaks everything he touches while only he prospers. She also said that it would be better if he died and then everyone else will be happy...

He never once believed those words and he almost forgot everything his mother said until now.

But my mother is right! I'm better dead! I break everything! I broke the most amazing woman by trying to keep her with me. Who'd want me? I'm a jinx!

Chenglei stood up and turned to leave. He wasn't willing to ruin her further.

But he felt a cold hand grabbing his hand. That beautiful hand that always gives him comfort and a sense of belonging. Something he never felt till now.

But why is it this cold? Isn't she properly covered? What if she catches a cold?

His heart started to melt for her.

"Don't leave", her voice was meek and hoa.r.s.e. He could feel the chillness from her hands seeping through his body and he could feel her tremble.

"Pretend you didn't notice me awake and please stay for a little longer"

Chenglei heard her voice that had a nasal tone and even someone who didn't know her could say that she is speaking swallowing her sorrow and holding back her tears.

She is begging him to stay. Even after everything he put her through, she is begging him.

She really is a dumb woman.

His eyes misted with tears and he lied beside her hugging her and he could feel her holding back her tears as he kissed the crown of her head.

Both if then lied like that without saying a word. Xing was scared to say something in case he gets angry and leaves and he was feeling too guilty to say something.

Before they knew it, both of them had a good night sleep after a long period of time. The G.o.d of fate watching over them couldn't help but sigh.
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Obviously they feel comfort in each other's arms. But what is stopping them from accepting each other as who they are?

When Xing woke up, it was morning already and she was surprised that Chenglei was still with her. The rays of the summer sun that was harsh even in the morning was softened by the curtains and the room glowed in the gentle blue shade of the curtains.

"Let's visit your mother's grave. You wanted to visit there with me, didn't you?", Chenglei held her closely to himself and asked her and his voice held a mixed emotions.

Maybe a change in location will do some good for us, he thought. And as a son-in-law it is only proper for him to visit his mother-in-law's grave. He should have done it sooner.

"Today?", she was too surprised that she'd jump out of bed.

"Now", he replied. "Get ready, we could go there easily through the mountains",he sat up and Xing, even though could only see his back, was sure he means what he says.

"Okay", she nodded.

But why is he suddenly acting like this? She didn't even doubt him.

As for her, even if he leads her to h.e.l.l, she'd gladly follow him, no questions asked.