I Was Born The Unloved Twin 20 Armored Riverstone Spiders? Hey Wait-

If I was the hero to my own story this would be the moment that I would gain powers of my own. Something would unlock, a magical weapon activates, the force inside and around me awakening.

Ha! It sure would be nice to be a hero. But nope, this is the body of a normal child. A healthy one but a pretty normal one regardless. No magical enhancements here! Hey Lilyanne, if you could turn on your female lead powers a bit, just enough to get us out of this, that would be great.

Seriously I can take like what 2 or 3 of these things with my tree branch. But that's a waste of time and energy. There's no way I would be able to defeat more than a couple of these things. There's a s.h.i.+tty thing about these creatures, when they die they turn to literal rocks. Just straight up stone.

No squish, just annoyingly hard rocks.

Rosalia has lived a charmed life. She's well traveled, well educated and well read. She has no f****** idea what these things are!

All I know is what I see now, they're moving rocks with pincers. There's no point in killing them, especially if they swarm. I throw away the tree branch for another one with much fuller leaves still attached.

Yes you guessed right. I'm going to sweep them.

Off you go little guys, don't come over here. Sheesh honestly they're not so bad. If you just sweep them away they scuttle along on their path. We just happened to get caught up in that path, like a giant migration route. Maybe it's a spring thing for these creatures, are they local?

We're not in any danger since I discovered the secret of sweeping. Take that rock crabs, I am well versed in the art of sweeping. Trained and practiced for many years as a commoner who does house ch.o.r.es! Put your legs into it, find the right angles and use momentum to conserve energy!

You rock crabs are nothing compared to fall leaves or worse....shoveling snow.

Despite having the situation rather under control, Lilyanne is up there crying like a cat stuck in the tree. If the cat was a screaming toddler that is. Is she even breathing through all that crying?

"Waaaah h.e.l.lllp! wwwwwwah heeeeeelp! booo hoooo"

"Lilyanne you're fine"

"Waaah Rosa! Pwease! Waaaah waah heeeeeelp!"

"Lily please, it's really ok look. I'm sweeping them away, look a nice crab free circle!"

While the pincers and hard spiked sh.e.l.ls look concerning to sensitive baby soft flesh, we can make a path pretty easily. Just sweep and avoid the strays. Shake off the bush broom once in awhile.

"Are you alright!?"

Oh s.h.i.+t, this cannot be happening.

"Hic hewps pwease waaaah!"

"Get away from her!"

A child just a bit bigger than me appears at the edge of the clearing. He rushes in with a toy sword like a little fool, his fluffy coat fluttering uselessly behind him. How gallent.

And the stupid prince come to the rescue of the crying princess still. Some things really can't be changed. I think I messed up the setting pretty well though. Migrating h.o.a.rd of rock crabs doesn't sound quite as romantic as a field of flowers.

Still I'm sure this will be a very fond memory for them in the future, it's very dramatic. Well I tried.

"Beasts I'll get you! Take that and that."

Oh very heroic, his wooden sword is just as effective as my tree branch! And that makes two, two dead rock crabs out of what, several thousand? Lilyanne must absolutely be swooning up there in her diapers.

"Waaaaaahhhhh! Somebody hewp us!!! Bwaaaaaahhhhh."

"Lilyanne stop crying right now! You're fine, we're fine!"

That's when the baby stupid prince finally notices me. Ridiculous considering how I'm literally standing a few feet in front of him. Hey it's a metaphor for our relations.h.i.+p! Ah I amuse myself.

"Two of them? You, get away from there, it's dangerous! "

"Uh huh, sure it is."

I make an exaggerated display of my previous sweeping to get my point across. Might as well make a bigger clearing for Lilyanne, geez what a crybaby. And they call me the loud one?

"The riverrock spiders! That speed! How are you defeating so many of them like that?!"

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Is he pulling my leg or is baby stupid prince really that stupid? You know what nevermind, I overestimated him, my bad.

I ignore him in favor of coaxing Lilyanne down.

"Lily look I got rid of so many! It's super safe now!"

"Hic reawy?"

"Yes really! look I can sweep them away with one hand! Stay with me and you'll be super safe."

"But... scawy"

"It's not too scary with me right? You do trust big sister?"

"Mmm! Rosa!"

"Good, here come on down. I got you, you won't fall."

She's a surprisingly good climber though she needs a little more help coming down. It's always scarier coming down so I climb up halfway to support her. The dull sound of rock thumping is still going on behind me, the stupid prince still must be there.

"Ack! ow ow ow!"

And one of them got him in the hand! Good job crabby! Oh he's handicapped, another one pinches him by the ankle. They're beginning to swarm since he keeps attacking them. This is absolutely great!

"Rosa! Save him"

Aww do I have to? I know it would probably be wise to make a good impression on the stupid prince but it's just so amusing. It's not like he did anything as I lay dying in my own cooling blood. This is nothing!

Oh alright fine, I'll go save your dammed stupid boyfriend, stop making those eyes at me.

"Don't fight them, they'll turn aggressive if you kill too many!"

I learned that the hard way but after throwing away their companions rock corpses into the distance they scattered in the flow of traffic.

"Sweep them away with your sword. I'm coming."

The pinched up baby prince tries following my instructions but he's not very coordinated with the numerous crabs pinched on him. I wish I had a camera.

They're mostly on his clothes, it looks much worse than it really is. The one that got him on the finger though, ow ow okay even I feel a little bad at that. Well time to speed up the sweeping, I'm almost there to save him.

Wow I never thought there come a day I would be saving the stupid prince. His huge body builder muscles weren't for show and paired with his stern training he was an immovable wall. The stupid prince was a muscle head but he was a strong one, I'll give him that.

Right now though he's just a spoiled 3 year old with a stupid hat, a stupid wooden sword and a lot of crabs clinging onto him. I'll treasure this moment and remember it always. This is already a great improvement to our own first meeting!

Lilyanne clings to me the whole time as I sweep a path. I grab the flailing prince by the back of his s.h.i.+rt and drag him behind me as I continue to sweep us out of the crabs' way.

When we're far away enough I take a quick breather. Time to free him of some of those crabs, my bush broom is the perfect tool for various things.

Oh this part I will enjoy.

Turning around ready to smack those crabs and the wonderfully attatch stupid prince I am greeted with a tender sight. Lilyanne carefully holding on to the crab on his finger, trying to wiggle it out if it's painful hold. The boy wincing in a mix of pain and gratefulness.

I look away for just one moment to make a path and they're already having their first date moment behind my back. Typical.

"Ow ow ow"

Well might as well sit back and watch, I've done my part."

"Got it!"

"Ugh wheeew, thank you."

"R you ok?"

No he's not okay, he's very clearly crying. Not as much as Lilyanne does but she's a natural water fountain. He's not bleeding at least but that finger may need a stint and a bandage.

"....yes. I'll be kay. Were you hurt?"

"No but it was scawy. U fight so many."

"...Thank you. But-"

He turns to me and the spell is suddenly broken. It's as if they just noticed I was here the whole time, you know the one cleaning up the crabs. It's expected to be the third wheel with this pair but how annoying. They just met!

"Thank you for saving me from the armored spider h.o.a.rd! Your technique was really great!"

"Spider h.o.a.rd? Is that what those things were?"

"Yes! We're told not to go near the river at this time of year when they cross! But I heard screaming and had to see what was wrong."

"Are you sure they're not crabs? But yeah that's Lilyanne' crying alright."

"What are crabs?"

"Um, tank you for comin. I'm sowy u got hurt."

Oh G.o.d is he blus.h.i.+ng? What is with this pink atmosphere?! They're literal babies! Ok that's enough of that, time to ruin the mood.

"You jumped in and tried smas.h.i.+ng a bunch of pinching rocks! That's just dumb! Here, I'll hold your sword. You shouldn't move young finger or hand for awhile. Try to keep it held up."

"Er thank you, like this?"

"Right just like that, until you get back to the healers."

"Yes my home is this way."

He makes to lead for once and I let him. I'm not supposed to know this area yet. It's smarter to play dumb.

"Are you from around here? Since you know about the crabs you called armored spiders?"

"Not really. My family owns a place here but I really live further away."

"Us too! we live far away!"

"I see, Lilyanne was it?"

"Yep! I'm Lilian! And dis is my Rosa!"

"My name is Rosalia and this is my younger twin sister Lilyanne. We're from the south and visiting with our family."

"I see. Pleased to meet you Rosalia, Lilyanne. I am Erik Heinrich of the Northern Territories."

To me though you'll always be stupid prince. Don't think I missed that blus.h.i.+ng at my sister, you're really going to have to work to be called brother in law. And I mean reeeeeeaaaallllly work.

I still absolutely hate you after all!

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Bonus afterwards short:

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"And these will get them off faster?"

"Yes absolutely! Go for it."

When we arrived back to the residence a crew of frantic servants were looking for Lilyanne and I. The commotion got even worse when we were discovered with the little prince covered head to toe in as they called, armored river rock spiders.

What's wrong with just crabs?

"Your majesty!"

"Oh dear what is this?!" You're absolutely covered in those vile monsters"

"Get the cleavers, those darn h.e.l.l spiders. I just hate this time of year."

"Please wait."

This is bothering me too much, I have to confirm it for myself.

"Pardon my intrusion but I know a much better way to remove these creatures."

"Little miss?"

"Rosalia. Rosalia Therese Ventrella. Yes down south at home we have a similar creature though they don't h.o.a.rd at any season. We must prepare a pot of boiling water to treat this!"

"Hot water you say?"

"Yes hot water! Salted would make it even hotter. It wil come off easier then them turning to rocks."

I have no idea what I'm saying, it's just a hunch. But the servants set off when stupid prince Erik gives the ok. My own accompanying staff however are weary but ready.

"Is there anything else Miss Rosalia? "

"Some seating and a table to wait outside. Small clippers or shears, clean ones. Some lemon or citrus if you can find it. Extra salt and pepper. Hmm and some b.u.t.ter."

"Of course Miss Rosalia."

I'm sure they're already catching on to my plan, they're very well trained to my whims. Should I have asked to bread too? They make great dipping with the b.u.t.ter.

"What are those other things for?"

"Oh well the b.u.t.ter is to help ease the pinching, makes it slippery."

"Ah I see."

When the hot salted water is boiling the servants are quick and ready with a change of clothes for the stupid crabby prince. What article of outer clothing that can be removed already has. But for some more sensitive areas I instruct him to drip the dangling creatures into the boiling water. Since I can't boil him alive it's with the the help of some manservants.

"Amazing! It works, they drop right off!"

I sure hope it works, lunch is depending on it.

"Of course it works, go ahead and get them all into the pot. No need to dip the clothes. Yes just lower those little b.u.g.g.e.rs in."

Prince Erik and his servants are amazed at the technique to clean up their armored spider infestations. I'm glad they let go but the real questions to be answered is, will they cook?

"Alright that's that."

"Wait, don't dump them out yet, they must be boiled for another few minutes."

"Why is that Rosalie?"

Don't worry about it stupid prince, geez you sure are talkative when you're young.

"To be sure!"

"Well if you say so."

Soon enough a delicious fragrance is emitting from the pot of armored"spiders". I understand that this is a land locked region but does no one here know what a d.a.m.n crab is?

My personal servants work just as quickly with a table set up as if for outdoor tea. Everything I've asked for is here and more. Plates and utensils have been prepared, there's even a bread basket. I knew my staff would understand.

"What is all this!?"

"R we eating now Rosa?"

"That's right Lily, it's time to eat!"

"Yay! Lunch!"

"But those are the riverstone spiders! My G.o.d they're red!"

Great observation oh brilliant prince. But it's not only him who's panicking at the sight of cooked crabs. What a waste, all those crabs uneaten for all this time.

Since my hands are small and delicate I have the servants crack and break the crabs open. While I don't mind getting my hands dirty and eating from the sh.e.l.ls it's too messy for Lillyanne. I don't trust her not to injured herself so I have them scoop the meat out for her.

A little lemon, salt and pepper and it's done. Good enough for me! I think Lilyanne would prefer hers with b.u.t.ter but I like mine simple and more refres.h.i.+ng. Both are tasty though. I would prefer a spicier crabbed boil with onion, herbs and other things but this is also nice. It's old fas.h.i.+oned.

"Sp-sp-spider meat!!!"

"No, they're called crabs. They're a kind of sh.e.l.lfish"

"An dey so yummy!"

"That's right Liilyanne! You love them don't you?"

"Mmm!!!"

The smell of fresh cooked crab wafts through the air, even the most sh.e.l.l shocked onlookers can't help but gulp at the delicious aroma. I pick up the sh.e.l.l and legs of a more whole looking crab and make to take an exaggerated bite

"Well then, how about you give it a try Erik?"

The stupid prince pa.s.ses out right there and then!

Ah it's been a good day.