Sleeping Next To The Pirate King 112 God Is A Woman

I glared at Maldonius as I held the two identical envelopes in my hands. Maldonius smiled before clapping his hands together and smirking. He then snapped his fingers, as his hair turned silver, lengthened, and reached his waist. His eyes gleaming golden as his broad chest enlarged and a white plunging neckline dress fell on his voluptuous body. He winked at me as my jaw fell to the moss below. Instead of a c.o.c.ky b.a.s.t.a.r.d, there was a beautiful bombsh.e.l.l facing me. I looked around me to look where Maldonius had gone.

A soft and seductive female voice chuckled as the female approached me and flicked my forehead.

"My dear, all I've done is change forms yet you're quick to forget me?"

Jesus Christ. The f.u.c.ker can change genders as well? I immediately fell to the ground as I bowed over and over to Maldonius. This f.u.c.ker was not only a dragon but a G.o.d. I motioned the perfect sign with my hand as I looked at Maldonius's woman form. He nodded and waved his hand dismissively.

"My dear, flattery will get you nowhere."

A nerve ticked on the side of my neck. I'm not flattering Maldonius but acknowledging his power which is strong enough to make an a.s.shole look like a Queen. I looked at the two watermelons hanging from the female Maldonius's chest and looked at my slightly curved one. For some reason I felt like I was defeated, despite biologically being a woman. I pouted. It was no fair that this old f.u.c.ker looked perfect in every form that he took on. I cleared my throat and said.

"Maldonius-"

"Maldonia."

I opened one eye as I smiled and said.

"Maldonia. How do you change into all of these different forms? It must take a certain magical index and toll on your body, does it not?"

Maldonius chuckled as I felt my face flush. Lord above. This dragon was sure crafty and beautiful no matter what gender he took on. Right now, he resembled a fairy queen.

I lowered my eyelids as irritation filled me. Just as the thought of him resembling a fairy queen sprouted in my mind, hummingbirds, and deer flocked to his side. Maldonius flashed them a gentle smile as he kneeled down and patted the heads of several squirrels.

Was the purpose of this guy's existence just the fact of p.i.s.sing me off?

Serafina and Armon sat next to me in their human forms. Their perfect bodies and faces glistening with a "I'm perfect b.i.t.c.h, and if you want to stare you have to pay rent, because your eyes will be gazing at us for hours" look.

I then looked down at my ripped and muddy white robe thingy which barely covered my b.r.e.a.s.t.s which were in risk of spilling out. My a.s.s was stained with dirt, and my face resembled that of a racc.o.o.n as large bags rested under my eyes from the loss of both sleep and sanity.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

..............

WHY THE f.u.c.k AM I SUCH A f.u.c.kING MESS OF A HUMAN BEING WHEN THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO SURROUND ME ARE PERFECT G.o.dS AND G.o.dDESSES?

HAVE I DONE SOMETHING IN MY PREVIOUS LIFE TO ANGER YOU G.o.d?

WAS IT THE NIGHTS THAT I SPENT l.u.s.tING OVER FICTIONAL ANIME CHARACTERS AND MANHWA MEN?

OR WAS IT THE FACT THAT I CALLED MY SISTER A b.i.t.c.h BEHIND HER BACK WHENEVER SHE WORE MY CLOTHES?

I breathed in and out slowly as Maldonius, Serafina, and Armon continued on with their thinking paying me no mind. On the outside I looked exhausted when in reality, internally I was going through mental breakdown after mental breakdown. I smiled to hide how fed up I was with this f.u.c.king lizard's games. "Trials" my a.s.s. All he was doing was spending his retirement in a private island such as this one playing with people in hopes of not fading into oblivion as a bored individual.

"Maldonia, dear. Could you please stop playing with your f.u.c.king pets, and get your a.s.s over here and finish what you had to tell me earlier? You may have all the time of the world my dear as you are immortal, but as a fellow human every minute counts. And I certainly don't want to waste my minutes on your s.h.i.+t games. So please stop teasing me and continue on?"

I smiled yet my expression read, "stop getting on my nerves b.i.t.c.h". Maldonius clicked his tongue in annoyance before shooing the animals away. I turned and smacked the back of Serafina and Armon's heads.

The two of them winced as the cigars which were in their mouths fell to the ground. Does every f.u.c.king person have to p.i.s.s me off at this moment? I'm only 18 yet I'm sure that I have more cholesterol than a sixty-year-old with heart disease. Any day now will be my last if I keep surrounding myself with dumb f.u.c.ks. Despite knowing that, I have a feeling that dumb f.u.c.ks are always going to be a part of my life.

Instead of being a hot guy magnet I seem to be an idiot magnet. Either that or the closer someone gets to the Bermuda Triangle the more probably that they will lose their sanity. I sighed as I smiled.

How am I in a position to judge these people? I, myself have lost my sanity beyond compare. I mean come on. In no dimension or world does magic exist, yet here we are. I looked at a clueless Maldonius approach me and one thought came to mind. Maldonius reminds me of a particular anime demon who is equally perfect as a man and as a woman. I chuckled. That may be true but Maldonius has a carefree and kind of old pervert feel to him compared to the anime character I have in mind. I sighed as Maldonius cleared his throat and literally sang out.

"My dear, those two envelopes have two riddles. One riddle being a ticket to the next floor, and the other riddle being a ticket to a punishment. When you solve the two riddles you must put the riddle that you believe is the key to the next floor on the rose bush, and the riddle which you believe is a punishment on the violet bush. After the time limit ends, you will know whether your decision was right or wrong. Does that make sense?"

What the f.u.c.k does he expect me to answer? Excuse me dude, but none of this s.h.i.+t makes sense. Especially the fact that I still think I'm f.u.c.king dreaming or something because s.h.i.+t like this doesn't occur in reality I think.

I nodded to show that I had understood what he said. I turned to see Armon and Serafina dozing off. I chuckled and shrugged. What did I expect from two nocturnal animals?

As I tore open the two envelopes Maldonius's golden eyes blinked as the digit "6" appeared on his left eye, and the digits, "0:00" on his right eye. I flinched. Jesus Christ, this man had quite the f.u.c.king imagination for someone so old.

"You're one weird f.u.c.ker, you know that?"

Maldonius chuckled melodically as his female charms continued to bleed with his gentle smile. I shrugged off the oozing feminineness as I sighed and read the rose bush envelope first.

Technically I have three minutes per riddle. But that wouldn't give me enough time to deduce which one is the punishment and which one is the key to the next floor. This means that the best course of action would be to solve each riddle in under two minutes then give myself the final two minutes to decide. I nodded and read the riddle of the rose bush envelope which was written in red ink.

"I am something people love or hate. I change people's appearances and thoughts. If a person takes care of them self I will go up even higher. To some people I will fool them. To others I am a mystery. Some people might want to try and hide me but I will show. No matter how hard people try I will Never go down. What am I?"

My mind whirred as the seconds ticked with every one of Maldonius's blinks. For a second I was worried that he might get an eye spasm but I remembered that he wasn't a normal person so there was nothing to fear.

Technically this riddle felt quite familiar to me. It was as if I had solved it before. A slideshow of my high school trivia days clicked in my mind as I sifted through them. The particular sentence to do with appearances and thoughts made me think of three possibilities.

Surgery could change a person's appearance and thoughts about themselves. As well as makeup or one's actions. But none of these choices go up if someone takes care of them. Money can also work in this situation as it can change one's appearance and thoughts or perceptions. But money can go down whereas the riddle is requesting something that never goes down.

I reread the riddle as the five-minute mark appeared on Maldonius's left eye. He continued to pat several deer as Serafina and Armon snored. My heart beat quickened as the second half of the riddle only further confused me as I read it over and over again. I looked at my surroundings. The answer to this riddle must relate to what is around me in some way. The sad thing about flowers and plants is that they are very beautiful but only for a certain time before they wilt and die away. That is unless they are trees which live for thousands of years.

I sighed as I glanced over at a smiling Maldonius, or Maldonia I should say. Despite his smile I could feel sadness behind it. I sighed. Being immortal and being ageless is quite the terrible thing must it. I'm already sick of life and I'm only eighteen. This man's thousands of years old yet he still continues to find fun with his time. For once I may actually have a shred of respect for this man.

I blinked as the sound of Maldonius snapping his fingers sounded. I looked to see several handsome and buff s.h.i.+rtless men surround him as he sat on a throne like a true fairy Queen. I spit out in surprise.

I take back what I previously said. This thot does not deserve my f.u.c.king respect.

That's when a lightbulb lit itself in my head. Wait a second.

Doesn't age technically change people's appearances and thoughts? Doesn't it also go up higher if someone takes care of themselves? It also never goes down as we can't revert back time. And most people either love or hate their age and may or may not try to hide it. I chuckled. A simple concept wrapped up in a large paragraph of meaningless words. I felt exhilaration fill me.

This is why ladies and gentlemen, I used to love riddles in my previous life. I looked to see that I had four minutes left. I nodded. I was right on schedule. I then set the rose bush envelope aside and ripped open the violet bush envelope.

I sighed as I felt exhaustion fill me once more. It felt like I was one of the walking dead as I kept myself awake after not sleeping for days. Sooner or later I may even go into a stage of true insanity. I close my eyes as I check.

Yup.

I can only see that there are two brain cells left and they are deteriorating at a dangerous rate. I opened my eyes once more as I internally screamed. I need to get my s.h.i.+t together before I finally lose it. I breathed out as I read the riddle which was written in blue ink.

Despite figuring out the first riddle, an electrifying feeling filled me as I read the second riddle. Despite the simplistic word choice, the concept immediately put my brain into a blender. I chuckled as I read it once more.

Yup.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I formally declare that, I, Mila, have finally destroyed my remaining two brain cells.

What will happen as a result of this?

The world may never know.

[inserts an image of an owl licking a lollipop].

...............

Thank you for reading my luvs! I apologize for the long wait but a lot of s.h.i.+t like moving out and the approaching finals have been putting your little author under a lot of stress. And she wants to write when she is sane and not crying at 2 am with a cup of ice cream as she contemplates embarra.s.sing moments from her elementary school days. Stay safe and I will update another chapter tomorrow!