Her. Part 25

"Shut the h.e.l.l up!" Tai jumped up and screamed into Mena's face.

"Make me," Mena dared her.

The girls were throat to throat, and I knew that, in a second, Tai was going to take that dare. I jumped up from beside Janine and stood between the two of them.

Facing Tai, I said, "Tai, you have to help me carry Janine. She's not going to make it down the hallway."

Tai rolled her eyes and went over to Janine. We both got a hold of her and lifted her up. It took all of my strength to get Janine down the hallway and back to our room. I could tell that it took all of Tai's strength to ignore Mena. When we reached the room and guided Janine to her bed, she crawled underneath her blanket and continued to cry.

"Tai," I said, "please stay with Janine. I'll be right back."

"Sure, okay. Tell me what's going on when you get back," she requested.

I nodded and then ran out the door. The hallway was empty. The other girls had gone back to their rooms. I crept up to the door that went back to the main unit and carefully peeked out. I didn't know that Mena was out there until I saw her when I stuck my head out. She looked at me and didn't say a word. She just pointed.

The EMTs pulled a stretcher down the boys' hallway. One of the EMTs yelled into a radio and two others hovered over Rocky for a minute. Then they lifted him onto the stretcher. Another EMT held up an IV drip that she had attached to Rocky. The EMTs worked fast. As they rushed Rocky out, the stretcher rolled by us, and never before in my life had I ever seen a person hanging on one strand of life. His head was in something that looked like a gla.s.s box. It was morbid. His eyelids were shut, and someone must have put his tongue back in his mouth. But his face was still blue and his cheeks were swollen. Another girl had come from the unit and was standing beside me.

She said, "Oh G.o.d, I'll pray for him. G.o.d, please let Rocky be all right."

Mena replied on behalf of G.o.d, "He's dead." She pushed past the girl and me without excusing herself and went back to the Girls' Unit and down the hallway towards her bedroom.

I had to hold my anger inside. Mena obviously had serious problems. For her to just a.s.sume that Rocky was dead was just cruel. She didn't even show any emotion, nor did it seem as if she cared. Ms. Mosley and Geoffrey brought Daniel out to the main unit. He was crying and saying that he was sorry for falling asleep. The girl beside me called out to Daniel. That made Geoffrey and Ms. Mosley notice us. Geoffrey came over and told us to go back to bed. He walked us onto the unit and stood in the hallway until we were in our rooms.

When I entered my room, Tai immediately asked me what I saw. Janine was still shaking and crying. I sat down on Janine's bed next to Tai. Janine snuggled close to me and put her arms around my waist and her head in my lap. I rubbed her back like she was a baby.

"He's all right," I lied. "They took him to the hospital."

Tai sighed in relief. She leaned her head on my shoulder and closed her eyes. Janine stopped shaking and closed her eyes, too. I was afraid to close my eyes. I was thinking about Rocky. He could be dead by morning. He could be dead in just a few minutes. I looked down at my bandaged wrists. I closed my eyes, trying not to think about that day. Then, I heard Tai's voice.

She said, "Are you all right?"

I opened my eyes. I couldn't speak. I only nodded my head.

"Okay," she said. She closed her eyes and placed her head on my shoulder. "I'm not leaving," she a.s.sured me.

Gently I rested my head on top of Tai's head. We stayed like that until morning.

CHAPTER 20.

We slept in late the next morning. I opened my eyes when I heard Geoffrey come into our bedroom. My arm had fallen asleep while it had been under Tai's head.

Calmly, he said, "Girls, wake up. Come on. Dr. Pelchat wants everyone for the group meeting."

Tai and Janine woke up. Tai saw Geoffrey in the room. She asked him if she was in trouble for sleeping in the room with us.

Geoffrey said, "Don't worry about it, Tai. Girls, don't worry about getting your day clothes on. Just throw on your robes and your socks and come on out on the main unit."

When Geoffrey left the room, Tai got up and stretched.

"I'm going to get my shoes on and rinse my mouth out. I'll see you out there," Tai said as she left our room.

Janine looked up at me as I put my shoes on. She started to say something.

"Are you all right, Janine?" I asked her.

She looked at me strangely and then she covered her mouth and ran to the bathroom. I heard her retching.

"Janine!" I called out to her. I knocked on the bathroom door. I did not want to burst in on her throwing up, but I was afraid not to.

"Go away!" she cried. "Please go."

"I can't leave you like this, Janine," I said.

"I will be okay. I'm just a little sick. I can't -" she started throwing up again while she was trying to talk. I knew she wasn't making herself throw up, so I left her alone.

When I got out to the main unit, I saw chairs scattered everywhere. Ms. Mosley put her coat on like she was getting ready to leave. Geoffrey was helping Mr. Anton get the room straightened up. I didn't see Dr. Pelchat anywhere. Daniel was sitting on the sofa by himself. I went over to it and sat down next to him. Mena came over and sat in a chair near us, and a few others also came over.

Mena looked at Daniel.

"Did you see the corpse?" she asked him.

Daniel didn't say anything.

I snapped at her, "He tried to break his neck. Have some sympathy."

Mena's eyes grew dark in her devious stare.

She said, "He doesn't want sympathy."

Daniel said, "You need to shut the h.e.l.l up, Mena."

Mena started to say something, but Dr. Pelchat walked onto the unit then. Janine also appeared and sat down on the sofa between Daniel and me. She leaned her head on my shoulder. It was strange to see her being clingy. I couldn't believe that she was clinging to me.

Daniel leaned and whispered in her ear. She nodded at him, and then she leaned her head on his shoulder. I started to ask her if she was all right, but Dr. Pelchat called for everyone to gather around and take a seat. Tai came in and sat as far away from Mena as possible. Others had been asleep during all of the commotion with Rocky last night, and they seemed confused.

Dr. Pelchat took a seat with Geoffrey and the other staff members. Ms. Mosley looked like she was about to leave, but Dr. Pelchat told her to sit down with them. She looked tired, angry, and ready to go home.

Dr. Pelchat began, "I know that this day is starting off a little different.

Some of you know what's going on and some of you don't. There was an incident last night that occurred on our unit."

Daniel s.h.i.+fted uncomfortably. Janine wrapped her arms around him. I watched as Daniel tried to smile at her. Mena grinned at me as if she knew something I didn't know. I looked back at Dr. Pelchat.

He continued, "One of your peers is in the hospital right now. He's in critical condition and he is going to be in that hospital for a while."

"What happened?" someone asked.

"I'm going to be honest with you," Dr. Pelchat began.

Ms. Mosley wasn't going to let him finish. She leaned forward in her chair with her coat on and her purse attached to her shoulder.

"We are not getting into that right now," she said, speaking to Dr. Pelchat.

We all read Dr. Pelchat's facial expression quite clearly. He did not seem in the mood for any confrontation.

He said to Ms. Mosley, "Yes we are, Ms. Mosley. We are going to talk about this."

"I don't think that's a very good idea, Dr. Pelchat," she voiced. "It could give these children ideas."

I could tell that this was not going to go well between Dr. Pelchat and Ms. Mosley.

"Yeah!" he exclaimed sarcastically. "Let's talk about giving them ideas! Here's the idea that your friend Rocky had last night," he said to all of us.

Ms. Mosley stood up. "No! Don't do this, Dr. Pelchat."

"Rocky took the bed sheet from his bed and tied it as tight as he could around the door k.n.o.b," Dr. Pelchat explained.

I heard gasps and sighs around the room. Daniel covered his face with his hands.

"Please, Dr. Pelchat," Ms. Mosley pleaded.

Ignoring her, he continued, "And then he tied it around his neck. Then he got the idea that, if he ran down the hallway as fast as he could, he could break his neck and kill himself. That's what he did. He ran until that door slammed shut and he could not run any farther, and it snapped his neck. It broke his windpipe and he stopped breathing. You know what? He failed. He's not dead. He's lying in a hospital with needles and all kinds of tubes stuck in him so that he can breathe, get nourishment, and so that he can be a vegetable."

Ms. Mosley started to leave. "That's it," she said. "I'm not staying here while you do this to them."

"You will sit here and you will listen with everyone else," Dr. Pelchat commanded. You need to hear everything I have to say, just like the rest of the doctors, nurses, and counselors in here. If you walk out that door, you better not ever walk back in here," he warned.

She scowled at him. "How could you sit here and talk like this in front of them!"

"More than half of them are in here in for trying to do what Rocky tried last night! They are here because they can't kill themselves right, just like Rocky couldn't. But you see," he said, now turning his attention back to us, "all of you are here, alive, and are able to feed yourselves, dress yourselves, and say what you want and need. Rocky will never be able to do that again. He is going to have to live the rest of his life in a wheelchair as a paraplegic. His mother is going to have to feed him through a tube, and wash and dress him, and when he has to use the bathroom -"

Everyone made noises and looked around at each other.

"That's right," he said. "She's going to have to change his diaper like he's a baby."

We all looked at each other with grossed-out faces.

Ms. Mosley sat back down and looked devastated, as though she was just realizing what was going on. She put her hand over her mouth and started to sob. Daniel stared down at the floor with tears in his eyes. He didn't have shoes on, so he couldn't play with shoelaces, so instead he tugged on his socks and stretched them out.

I looked at Janine, who was still laying her head on Daniel's shoulder, and her arms were still wrapped around him. A feeling came inside of me that made me want to push Janine away from him. I slowly stretched out my arm and placed my hand on Daniel's shoulder. Janine looked at my hand and then looked at me. I pretended not to notice her looking at me. I gave Daniel's shoulder a gentle squeeze, and then pulled my hand away. He didn't move. He kept looking down at his socks. Janine took her arms from around his waist and just kept her head on his shoulder. Tai looked at me and shook her head.

Dr. Pelchat said to Ms. Mosley, "I know you were on watch last night, and I know you feel responsible. You are not responsible for this."

She was crying. She began, "Yes, I know, but I can't help -"

"Don't," Dr. Pelchat stopped her. "We will talk about this later in my office, but right now I want to talk to them."

Ms. Mosley wiped her face and nodded. She tried to straighten up.

Dr. Pelchat turned his attention back to us. "I called this meeting because I want you all to hear me. I want the words that are coming out of my mouth to be the first thing you hear today, so that you can take it in, think about it, and keep it from here on out. What Rocky tried to do last night, you know, the whole suicide attempt, is not an option. Let's just get it out there. It is not an option. It's not an option out there." He pointed to a window. "And it is most certainly not an option in here."

He paused and looked around the room at all of us.

"If you feel like whatever is going on in your life is so bad that you cannot get through it, I'm just going to tell you right now that is not possible. Every problem has a solution. Suicide is not it. It's just not. Because that attempt to take your own life can make life so much worse than that little problem that you thought you could never get out of. Instead of getting out of a problem, suicide will only add more problems, both to your life and to everyone else's around you."

His words cut deep into my soul. He was speaking directly to me.

"I know some of you can't help your emotions. You get angry and you don't know why. You start crying for what seems like no reason at all. Some of you blame everything on yourself, and you feel like the whole world is ending. n.o.body can understand it. n.o.body knows how this feels. Do they? No. They don't know what it is like when you feel like G.o.d has put a two-ton bag of bricks on your shoulders and He tells you that you have to stand up straight with your head erect, and you have to point your chin to the sky and keep a big smile on your face. Then you feel like you're being forced to walk like that with those bricks strapped to your back for the rest of your life. They can't even imagine how that feels! You feel like you are so alone and that there is n.o.body who can relate or understand. They all think you're crazy! That's why you are here, right?

Wrong! We are here. The people who understand you and who do not think that you are crazy are right here. It's me. It's Dr. Finch. It's Dr. Bent. It's Ms. Karen Mosley, Geoffrey, and Mr. Anton. It's all of us who come here every single day because we know exactly what is going on. Do you think we are here just because we have to collect a paycheck? If that's what you think, you are wrong. It might be that way in some places, but not here at Bent Creek. Do you know why all of us are here for you every day? Because we know what it's like to be where you are right now."

I looked at him, shocked. Everyone seemed to be listening intently.

"Everyone you see here knows exactly how you feel, and some of us have been in the same place as you. You do have people to talk to here. There are people who care about you and who will be there for you twenty-four hours a day. If any of you want to talk about what happened last night, don't hold back. You talk about it. Talk about it to each other, your families, and talk to your doctors and the counselors. Those are your options. Suicide is not an option."

CHAPTER 31.

"I think Dr. Pelchat took it personally when Rocky tried to kill himself," said Tai as we ate our breakfast in the cafeteria.

Tai, Janine, Daniel, Mena, and two others sat at a table together. I sat next to Daniel after grabbing a bowl of cereal. Mena had a smirk on her face. I watched her as she b.u.t.tered her toast. She had too much att.i.tude. It was as if she thought that she knew everything. I felt like I would not get along with her.

"Rocky was his patient," Tai told us.

"Can we not talk about this?" Daniel said as he tried to eat his toast.

"It's more than that," Mena commented.

Tai narrowed her eyes at her. "How do you figure?"

Mena chuckled.

She shook her head saying, "Don't you know anything?"

She looked at all of us. Our silence showed that we had no idea what she was talking about. Tai seemed very irritated and aggravated. Mena snickered. She looked at Tai.

Mena said, "I'm sorry. This must be your first time in a place like this."