The Defective Detective - Cat Chaser Part 7

He nodded.

"Well we're going to feed the tiger."

And then I explained the rest of what was a remarkably simple plan.

"Okay then," he said."Worth a shot, I suppose.Let's give it a go."

The walkie talkie fizzed back into life."Clint?"

It was Jacob.

"Here."

"Good."

"You okay up there?"

"Yeah, it's up on three with us at the moment.The girls are safe in the security office.I'm going to come and help, the d.a.m.n thing is way over the other side of the floor so should be easy for me to get down."

"See you in a minute then."

Ray propped open his office door with the pig's head and I pushed the trolley a little further away then dropped a handful of mince.

Two pork chops and a rump steak later, Jacob stepped out of the lift onto the floor.He was drenched in sweat and looked pretty twitchy.

"You alright?" I asked.

"Yeah, it's just getting to me a bit," he said, then grabbed a chicken breast and chucked it on the floor.

"It's getting to all of us," muttered Ray."'Cept sleeping beauty here.You look fresh as a daisy."

"Amazing what forty winks can do for the complexion," I dropped a particularly b.l.o.o.d.y rib-eye on the floor with a satisfying thwap thwap."Can you push this for a second, Ray?"

He nodded, taking the trolley.I let a pre-plucked duck fall to the floor, wiped my hands on my jacket then pressed the b.u.t.ton to talk to our eyes in the sky.

"Everything okay up there?" I said, then when there was no immediate reply I added, "erm, over."

"Fine." It was Erin."Except we just lost sight of it.Might be near the stairs.Over."

"Ten four to that," Jacob and Ray stopped what they were doing to look at me."Over and out."

We stared at each other for a second and I began to question the sanity of what we were doing.Was the job really worth this?

A shrill ringing echoed around the corridor causing Jacob, Ray and I to simultaneously jump two inches into the air.I reached into my pocket and plucked out my phone.It was Agatha.

"h.e.l.lo," I said.As Agatha began to speak I could see the two of them straining to make out what she was saying.

"Really?" I continued, moving away a little to ensure they couldn't make any of it out."That's brilliant.Listen, I've got to go."

I hung up and smiled."Gentlemen," I said."Let's get this place decorated."

Ray began pus.h.i.+ng the trolley along faster, picking up speed with each step and Jacob and I were hurling raw meat left and right.Most of it was. .h.i.tting the floor but, as Ray picked up speed, more of it started hitting the walls, the lighter pieces sticking where they landed, the heavier ones bouncing off and flumping flumping to the ground.And Ray just kept picking up speed until he reached a point where we had to jog to keep up and the meat was flying left and right and there was blood splatter on our faces as we careered forward on this weird kind of reverse trolley-dash in an abattoir. to the ground.And Ray just kept picking up speed until he reached a point where we had to jog to keep up and the meat was flying left and right and there was blood splatter on our faces as we careered forward on this weird kind of reverse trolley-dash in an abattoir.

And as we were running along hurling meat I started to see what we were doing, mentally taking a step back, and I began to giggle.It was throwing the sausages that set me off.Of course, once I started, I set the two of them off as well until the three of us eventually skidded to a halt, howling with laughter, a trail of meat scattered behind us, and chunks of the stuff on our clothes.

The walkie talkie chose that moment to interject, spraying its static then countering with Erin saying four words.

"It's on its way."

The mood switched and the three of us ran back the way we had just come, carefully stepping around the meat explosion, until we reached the elevator.

"Come on, Jacob," I said, stepping inside the lift.

"What about Ray?" he asked.

"I know what I have to do," Ray said and as he walked past I handed him the walkie talkie.

"Glad to see you two are still in one piece," back in the security office Erin touched Jacob's sleeve, probably picking off some of the stray meat products.

"So what happens now?" asked Lori, not looking a great deal better than the last time I'd seen her.

"Now we watch on these monitors as the tiger follows the trail of meat to the caretaker's office and, once it goes inside, Ray will step out of the room next door and lock the b.a.s.t.a.r.d in."

"Excellent," said Erin."Can we see what's going on? I couldn't find any cameras on the office."

"Ah," said Jacob sheepishly."There is a camera on our office.I just don't like people watching me so I... Well... I turned it off."

Erin took half a step away from him.

"Hang on," he continued."I'll just... "

And he leaned behind the panel of monitors and started plugging and unplugging wires, causing monitors to come on and go off.Soon all we could see on every screen was the disembodied pig's head staring right at us.

"There we go," he smiled with pride then his hand went up to cover his mouth as, amazingly, the tiger came into the frame.

A silence fell as we all stood, staring, willing the tiger to go into the office.It moved slowly, the enormous muscles s.h.i.+fting effortlessly to move its bulk towards the one thing it had its eye on.

Our figurehead Mrs Pig.

It bounded forward, knocking the bait into the office then following itself.The four of us were all grinning now, the plan was so close to working.So very close.

All Ray needed to do was close the door.

The seconds ticked by and nothing moved.Not the tiger, not Ray. Everything just seemed frozen, like the feed was broken.

"Why isn't Ray locking it in?" said Lori, eventually.

I just shook my head. My eyes were dry from lack of blinking and stayed fixed on the screen as the tiger walked out of the office with the pig's head in its mouth.

We'd had our chance and Ray had blown it.

"I really need a wee now," said Lori.

Chapter 13.

I threw open the door of the security office completely intent on going down and confronting Ray, but Lori was insistent.Someone had to take her to the toilet, otherwise she was going to end up soiling herself.I stalked forward as Erin and Jacob hissed rea.s.surances of our safety on the walkie talkie. threw open the door of the security office completely intent on going down and confronting Ray, but Lori was insistent.Someone had to take her to the toilet, otherwise she was going to end up soiling herself.I stalked forward as Erin and Jacob hissed rea.s.surances of our safety on the walkie talkie.

Arriving at the ladies toilet, I said nothing, just gestured to the door.

"W-what if it's in there?" Lori stammered.

I sighed and burst through the door.

"Anyone in here?" I shouted."Mister Tiger?Yoo-hoo?No?"

I stepped back into the corridor."No-one in there.I think it must be a boy tiger."

Lori looked down at her shoes, refusing to make eye contact, as she darted inside.I breathed deeply, leaning against the wall and picking a piece of raw chicken off my trouser leg.The walkie talkie, whose timing had never been great, chose this moment to pull another blinder and fizzed into life with those four words again.

"It's on its way." said Jacob.

"s.h.i.+t," I said and stepped back into the ladies toilet.

Lori screamed her scream-queen scream.

"For Christ's sake, shut up," I said.

"I'm using the toilet here," her voice shouting from a cubicle against the far wall.

"Can you keep your voice down, Jacob's just told me it's coming this way."

"I can't go while you're here."

I shook my head.She couldn't be serious.

"What are you talking about, there's a tiger out there."

"I need to use the toilet," she insisted.

"And, what?You expect me to sacrifice my life for that?"

"I can't go with you here," she whined."I reeeeeally need to go."

"No," I said."Just no."

"This is the ladies."

"This is insane, listen-" I gave up and opened the door a fraction to see if it was out there.The walkie talkie spoke again, telling me that the coast was clear.I walked outside, waited and fumed.

"Thank you," Lori said when she eventually emerged.

I remained silent as I escorted her back to the office then stormed back towards the lift.

Downstairs on the second floor, Ray was exactly where we'd left him.As I threw open the door of the room he was cowering in I glanced up to the camera, acutely aware of our audience.

"What the f.u.c.k happened?" I screamed.

The walkie talkie hissed into life. Erin spoke."Is he there?Ask him what the h.e.l.l he was playing at?"

I nodded towards the walkie talkie and he shrugged.Didn't even bother to answer.

"Tell me," the anger hot in my cheeks."Tell me why you p.i.s.sed our one chance to catch that f.u.c.king beast up against the wall?"

"I-" he began.

"Actually I don't know if I even want to know, you f.u.c.king idiot."

"Sorry," he managed.

The walkie talkie spat static and this time Jacob spoke."What's going on?"

I breathed in and out a couple of times, staring at Ray, just turning the whole thing over in my mind before I finally pressed the b.u.t.ton."He's fine.It's fine-"

"Clint," Jacob interrupted."I think you two might want to get up here.It's coming your way again.You should be able to make it to the lift before it gets to you if you run."

"Come on," I said quietly and held out my hand.Ray pulled himself up to a standing position and followed me knock-hissing knock-hissing our way down the corridor.And then, seemingly out of nowhere, the tiger stepped into view. our way down the corridor.And then, seemingly out of nowhere, the tiger stepped into view.

Ray shouted and we ran for the lift, I got there first and pressed the call b.u.t.ton.Apparently my luck had turned because the lift was waiting, the doors slid open and I stepped inside.Ray was only a few steps behind and hopped the final few metres into the metal box.

I felt calm.I felt like I knew what I was doing.

I looked out at the corridor and saw the great orange and black ma.s.s of whiskers, teeth and hatred growling down on us and I remember I thought to myself 'don't make the same mistake you made the last time, press the right b.u.t.ton'.I reached over and pressed one of the b.u.t.tons and time began to run seriously slowly.

The calmness was good because I felt like I wasn't going to go to sleep.There was a clarity to it, staring into the tiger's yellowy eyes, I knew I was doing the right thing. And then all I could hear was Ray's voice saying, "You're pressing the wrong b.u.t.ton."

I looked across and I was pressing the 'hold doors' b.u.t.ton and Ray was shouting and I just kept pressing the 'hold doors' b.u.t.ton.The tiger slapped its big paws, one after the other, moving forward, approaching the threshold of the lift and by this time Ray was trying to drag my hand off the panel, to press the b.u.t.tons himself, but I just kept pressing that 'hold doors' b.u.t.ton.

The tiger finally moved into the lift s.p.a.ce, just its front two paws, it's head and enormous shoulders nearly taller than us sitting struggling on the floor.I took my finger off the b.u.t.ton and turned to Ray, "Your turn."

Ray took a great lungful of air, reached into his coat and pulled out a small dictaphone.Stretching forward, he pressed a b.u.t.ton on the side of it and an unmistakable tune began piping from its tinny little speaker.

We miss you hissssssss...