Scotch Wit and Humor Part 30

The doctor had gone off to the printer's with his laborious and valuable work, "The Harmony of the Four Gospels." On being further asked what this useless work might be which engaged a minister's time and attention, the blacksmith replied: "He's gane to mak' four men agree wha never cast (fell) out."

=A New Story Book--at the Time=

Sir Walter Scott once stated that he kept a Lowland laird waiting for him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's Dictionary.

"Well, Mr. ----," said Sir Walter, "how do you like your book?"

"They're vera pretty stories, Sir Walter," replied the laird, "but they're unco' short."

=Will Any Gentleman Oblige "a Lady"?=

In a tramway car at Glasgow, one wet afternoon, a woman of fifty--made up to look as nearly like twenty-five as possible--got on board at a crossing, to find every seat occupied. She stood for a moment, and then selecting a poorly dressed man of about forty years of age, she observed: "Are there no gentlemen on the car?"

"I dinna ken," he replied, as he looked up and down. "If there's nane, I'll hunt up one for you at the end of the line."

There was an embarrasing silence for a moment, and then a light broke in on him all of a sudden, and he rose and said: "But ye can hae this seat: I'm aye wellin' to stan' and gi'e my seat to an _auld_ bodie."

That decided her. She gave him a look which he will not forget till his dying day, and grasping the strap she refused to sit down, even when five seats had become vacant.

=Ham and Cheese=

On one occasion the late Rev. Walter Dunlop, of the U.P. Church, Dumfries, after a hard day's labor, and while at "denner-tea," as he called it, kept incessantly praising the "haam," and stating that "Mrs.

Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was," when the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham.

"It's unco' kin' o' ye, unco' kin'--but I'll no' pit ye to the trouble; I'll just tak' it hame on the horse afore me."

When, on leaving, he mounted, and the ham was put into the sack, some difficulty was experienced in getting it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot.

"I think, mistress, a cheese in the ither en' would mak' a gran'

balance."

The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John Gilpin, he moved away with his "balance true." [7]

="A Reduction on a Series"=

When the son of a certain London banker had eloped to Scotland with a great heiress whom he married, still retaining a paternal taste for parsimony, he objected to the demand of two guineas made by the "priest"

at Gretna Green, stating that Captain ---- had reported the canonical charge to be only five s.h.i.+llings. "True," replied Vulcan, "but Captain ---- is an Irishman, and I've married him five times; so I consider him a regular customer; whereas, I may never see your face again."

=The Selkirk Grace=[1]

Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it; But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit. [2]

=Inconsistencies of "G.o.d's People"=

An entertaining anecdote, ill.u.s.trative of life in the Scotch Highlands, is told by a border minister who once found himself a guest at a Presbytery meeting.

"After dinner, though there was no wine, there was no lack of whiskey.

This, each made into toddy, weak or strong, just as he liked it. No set speeches were made or toasts proposed. After each had drunk two or three tumblers, and no voice was heard above the hum of conversation, the stranger got to his feet, and craving the leave of the company, begged to propose a toast. All were silent, until the moderator, with solemn voice, told him that G.o.d's people in that part of the country were not in the habit of drinking toasts. He felt himself rebuked, yet rejoined, that he had been in a good many places, but had never before seen G.o.d's people drink so much toddy."

=Sending Him to Sleep=

"Sleepin, Tonald?" said a Highlander to a drowsy acquaintance, whom he found ruminating on the gra.s.s in a horizontal position.

"No, Tuncan," was the ready answer.

"Then, Tonald, would you'll no' lend me ten and twenty s.h.i.+llings?" was the next question.

"Ough, ough!" was the response with a heavy snore; "I'm sleepin' now, Tuncan, my lad."

How convenient it would be if we could always evade troublesome requests, like our Highlander here, by feigning ourselves in the land of dreams!

=Wiser Than Solomon=

Two Scotch lairds conversing, one said to the other that he thought they were wiser than Solomon. "How's that?" said the other. "Why," said the first, "he did not know whether his son might not be a fool, and we know that ours are sure to be."

=Modern Improvements=

Sir Alexander Ramsay had been constructing, upon his estate in Scotland, a piece of machinery, which was driven by a stream of water running through the home farmyard. There was a thres.h.i.+ng machine, a winnowing machine, a circular saw for splitting trees, and other contrivances.

Observing an old man, who had been long about the place, looking very attentively at all that was going on, Sir Alexander said:

"Wonderful things people can do now, Robby?"

"Ay, indeed, Sir Alexander," said Robby; "I'm thinking that if Solomon was alive now, he'd be thought naething o'!" [7]

=Knox and Claverhouse=

The shortest chronicle of the Reformation, by Knox, and of the wars of Claverhouse (Claver'se) in Scotland, which we know of, is that of an old lady who, in speaking of those troublous times remarked: "Scotland had a sair time o't. First we had Knox deavin' us wi' his clavers, and syne we've had Claver'se deavin' us wi' his knocks."

=A Scotch Fair Proclamation of Olden Days=

"Oh, yes!--an' that's e'e time. Oh, yes!--an' that's twa times. Oh, yes!--an that's the third and last time. All manner of person or persons whatsover let 'em draw near, an' I shall let 'em ken that there is a fair to be held at the muckle town of Langholm, for the s.p.a.ce of aught days, wherein any hustrin, custrin, land-hopper dub-shouper, or gent-the-gate-swinger, shall breed any hurdam, durdam, rabble-ment, babble-ment or squabble-ment, he shall have his lugs tacked to the muckle throne with a nail of twa-a-penny, until he's down on his bodshanks, and up with his muckle doup, and pray to ha'en nine times, 'G.o.d bless the King,' and thrice the muckle Laird of Reltown, paying a goat to me, Jemmy Ferguson, baillie to the aforesaid manor. So you've heard my proclamation, and I'll gang hame to my dinner."

="Though Lost to Sight--to Memory Dear!"=

Some time ago a good wife, residing in the neighborhood of Perth, went to town to purchase some little necessaries, and to visit several of her old acquaintances. In the course of her peregrinations she had the misfortune to lose a one-pound note. Returning home with a saddened heart she encountered her husband, employed in the cottage garden, to whom she communicated at great length all her transactions in town, concluding with the question: "But man you canna guess what's befaun me?"