Scotch Wit and Humor Part 31

"Deed, I canna guess," said the husband, resting musingly on his spade.

"Aweel," rejoined his helpmate, "I hae lost a note; but dinna be angry--for we ought to be mair than thankfu' that we had ane to lose!"

=The Philosophy of Battle and Victory=

During the long French war two old ladies in Scotland were going to the kirk. The one said to the other: "Was it no' a wonderful thing that Breetish were aye victorious in battle?"

"Not a bit," said the other lady; "dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say their prayers before gaun into battle?"

The other replied: "But canna the French say their prayers as weel?"

The reply was most characteristic. "Hoot! sic jabberin' bodies; wha could understand them if thae did?"

=Patriotism and Economy=

When Sir John Carr was at Glasgow, in the year 1807, he was asked by the magistrates to give his advice concerning the inscription to be placed on Nelson's monument, then just completed. The knight recommended this brief record: "Glasgow to Nelson."

"True," said the baillies, "and as there is the town of Nelson near us, we might add, 'Glasgow to Nelson nine miles,' so that the column might serve for the milestone and a monument."

=Husband! Husband! Cease Your Strife!=

"Husband, husband, cease your strife, Nor longer idly rave, sir!

Tho' I am your wedded wife, Yet, I'm not your slave, sir!"

"_One of two must still obey, Nancy, Nancy; Is it man, or woman, say, My spouse, Nancy?_"

"If 'tis still the lordly word-- 'Service' and 'obedience,'

I'll desert my sov'reign lord, And so, good-by, allegiance!"

_"Sad will I be, so bereft, Nancy, Nancy!

Yet, I'll try to make a s.h.i.+ft, My spouse, Nancy."_

"My poor heart, then break it must, My last hour, I'm near it; When you lay me in the dust, Think, think how you'll bear it."

_"I will hope and trust in heaven, Nancy, Nancy; Strength to bear it will be given, My spouse, Nancy."_

"Well, sir, from the silent dead Still I'll try to daunt you, Ever round your midnight bed Horrid sprites shall haunt you."

_"I'll wed another_, like my dear Nancy, Nancy; _Then, all h.e.l.l will fly for fear My spouse, Nancy."_ [2]

=A Scathing Scottish Preacher in Finsbury Park=

People in Finsbury Park, one Sunday in August, 1890, were much edified by the drily humorous remarks of a canny Scotchman who was holding a religious service. The "eternal feminine" came in for severe strictures, this man from auld Reekie speaking of woman as "a calamity on two legs."

He had also a word or two to say on government meanness, of which this is an ill.u.s.tration. An old friend of his who had been through Waterloo, retired from the army on the munificent pension of 13_d._ per day. When he died the government claimed his wooden leg! [3]

=A Saving Clause=

A Scotch teetotal society has been formed among farmers. There is a clause in one of the rules that permits the use of whiskey at sheep-dipping time. One worthy member keeps a sheep which he dips every day.

=The Man at the Wheel=

Dr. Adam, in the intervals of his labors as rector of the High School of Edinburgh, was accustomed to spend many hours in the shop of his friend Booge, the famous cutler, sometimes grinding knives and scissors, at other times driving the wheel. One day two English gentlemen, attending the university, called upon Booge (for he was an excellent Greek and Latin scholar), in order that he might construe for them some pa.s.sage in Greek which they could not understand. On looking at it, Booge found that the pa.s.sage "f.e.c.kled" him; but, being a wag, he said to the students, "Oh, it's quite simple. My laboring man at the wheel will translate it for you. John!" calling to the old man, "come here a moment, will you?"

The apparent laborer came forward, when Booge showed him the pa.s.sage in Greek, which the students wished to have translated. The old man put on his spectacles, examined the pa.s.sage, and proceeded to give a learned exposition, in the course of which he cited several scholastic authors in support of his views as to its proper translation. Having done so, he returned to his cutler's wheel.

Of course the students were amazed at the learning of the laboring man.

They said they had heard much of the erudition of the Edinburgh tradesmen, but what they had listened to was beyond anything they could have imagined. [1]

=Spiking an Old Gun=

When Mr. s.h.i.+rra was parish minister of St. Miriam's, one of the members of the church was John Henderson, or Anderson--a very decent douce shoemaker--and who left the church and joined the Independents, who had a meeting in Stirling. Some time afterwards, when Mr. s.h.i.+rra met John on the road, he said, "And so, John, I understand you have become an Independent?"

"'Deed, sir," replied John, "that's true."

"Oh, John," said the minister, "I'm sure you ken that a rowin' (rolling) stane gathers nae fog" (moss).

"Ay," said John, "that's true, too; but can ye tell me what guid the fog does to the stane?" [7]

=Playing at Ghosts=

Some boys boarded with a teacher in Scotland, whose house was not very far from a country church-yard. They determined to alarm the old grave-digger, who was in the habit of reaching his cottage, often late at night, by a short cut through the burying-ground. One boy, named Warren, who was especially mischievous, and had often teased old Andrew, dressed himself up in a white sheet, and, with his companions, hid behind the graves.

After waiting patiently, but not without some anxiety and fear, for Andrew, he was at last seen approaching the memorial-stone behind which Warren was ensconced. Soon a number of low moans were heard coming from among the graves.

"Ah, keep us a'!" exclaimed Andrew. "What's that?"

And as he approached slowly and cautiously towards the tombstones, a white figure arose, and got taller and taller before his eyes.

"What's that?" asked Andrew, with a voice which seemed to tremble with fear, although, if anyone had seen how he grasped his stick, he would not have seen his hand tremble.

"It's the resurrection!" exclaimed the irreverent Bully Warren.

"The resurrection!" replied Andrew. "May I tak' the leeberty o' askin',"

he continued slowly, approaching the ghost, "if it's the general ane, or are ye jist takin' a quiet daunder by yersel'?"

So saying, Andrew rushed at the ghost, and seizing it--while a number of smaller ghosts rose, and ran in terror to the schoolhouse--he exclaimed, "Come awa' wi' me! I think I surely haena buried ye deep eneuch, when ye can rise so easy. But I hae dug a fine deep grave this morning, and I'll put ye in't, and cover ye up wi' sae muckle yirth, that, my werd, ye'll no' get out for another daunder."

So saying, Andrew, by way of carrying out his threats, dragged Master Bully Warren towards his newly-made grave.

The boy's horror may be imagined, as Andrew was too powerful to permit of his escape. He a.s.sailed the old man with agonized pet.i.tions for mercy, for he was a great coward.