Scotch Wit and Humor Part 32

"I'm not a ghost! Oh, Andrew, I'm Peter Warren! Andrew! Don't burry me!

I'll never again annoy you! Oh--o--o--o--o!"

Andrew, after he had administered what he considered due punishment, let Warren off with the admonition: "Never daur to speak o' gude things in yon way. Never play at ghaists again, or leevin' folk like me may grup you, an' mak' a ghaist o' ye. Aff wi ye!"

="Two Blacks Don't Make a White"=

The family of a certain Scotch n.o.bleman having become rather irregular in their attendance at church, the fact was observed and commented on by their neighbors. A lady, anxious to defend them and to prove that the family pew was not so often vacant as was supposed, said that his lords.h.i.+p's two black servants were there every Sunday. "Ay," said a gentleman present, "but two blacks don't mak' a white."

=From Pugilism to Pulpit=

Fuller was in early life, when a farmer lad at Soham, famous as a boxer; not quarrelsome, but not without "the stern delight" a man of strength and courage feels in his exercise. Dr. Charles Stewart, of Dunearn, whose rare gifts and graces as a physician, a divine, a scholar, and a gentleman, live only in the memory of those few who knew and survive him, liked to tell how Mr. Fuller used to say, that when he was in the pulpit, and saw a _buirdly_ man come along the pa.s.sage, he would instinctively draw himself up, measure his imaginary antagonist, and forecast how he would deal with him, his hands meanwhile condensing into fists, and tending to "square." He must have been a hard hitter if he boxed as he preached--what "the fancy" would call "an ugly customer." [4]

=A Consistent Seceder=

A worthy old seceder used to ride from Gargrennock to Bucklyvie every Sabbath to attend the Burgher Kirk. One day, as he rode past the parish kirk of Kippen, the elder of the place accosted him, "I'm sure, John, it's no' like the thing to see you ridin' in sic' a downpour o' rain sae far by to thae seceders. Ye ken the mercifu' man is mercifu' to his beast. Could ye no step in by?"

"Weel," said John, "I wadna care sae muckle about stablin' my beast inside, but it's anither thing mysel' gain' in." [7]

="No Road this Way!"=

The following anecdote is told regarding the late Lord Dundrennan: A half-silly basket-woman pa.s.sing down his avenue at Compstone one day, he met her, and said, "My good woman, there's no road this way."

"Na, sir," she said, "I think ye're wrang there; I think it's a most beautifu' road." [7]

=Shakespeare--Nowhere!=

It is related, as characteristic of the ardor of Scottish nationality, that, at a representation of Home's _Douglas_, at Glasgow or Edinburgh, a Scotchman turned, at some striking pa.s.sage in the drama, and said to a Southron at his elbow: "And wher's your Wully Shakespeare noo?"

=Steeple or People?=

Shortly after the disruption of the Free Church of Scotland from the church paid by the State, a farmer going to church met another going in the opposite direction.

"Whaur are ye gaen?" said he. "To the Free Kirk?"

"Ou, ay, to the Free Kirk," cried the other in derision:

"The Free Kirk-- The wee kirk-- The kirk wi'out the steeple!"

"Ay, ay," replied the first, "an' ye'll be gaen till

"The auld kirk-- The cauld kirk-- The kirk wi'out the people!"

This ended the colloquy for that occasion.

=Hume Canonized=

Hume's house in Edinburgh stood at the corner of a new street which had not yet received any name. A witty young lady, a daughter of Baron Ord, chalked on the wall of the house the words, "St. David's Street." Hume's maid-servant read them, and apprehensive that some joke was intended against her master, went in great alarm to report the matter to him.

"Never mind, my la.s.s," said the philosopher; "many a better man has been made a saint of before."

=Two Ways of Mending Ways=

The Rev. Mr. M----, of Bathgate, came up to a street pavior one day, and addressed him: "Eh, John, what's this you're at?"

"Oh! I'm mending the ways of Bathgate!"

"Ah, John, I've long been tryin' to mend the ways o' Bathgate, an'

they're no' weel yet."

"Weel, Mr. M----, if you had tried my plan, and come doon to your _knees_, ye wad maybe hae come maar speed!"

=The Prophet's Chamber=

A Scotch preacher, being sent to officiate one Sunday at a country parish, was accommodated at night in the manse in a very diminutive closet, instead of the usual best bedroom appropriated to strangers.

"Is this the bedroom?" he said, starting back in amazement.

"'Deed, ay, sir; this is the prophet's chamber."

"It must be for the _minor_ prophets, then," said the discomfited parson.

=Objecting to Long Sermons=

A minister in the north was taking to task one of his hearers who was a frequent defaulter, and was reproaching him as an habitual absentee from public wors.h.i.+p. The accused vindicated himself on the plea of a dislike to long sermons.

"'Deed, man," said his reverend minister, a little nettled at the insinuation thrown out against himself, "if ye dinna mend, ye may land yerself where ye'll no' be troubled wi' mony sermons, either lang or short."

"Weel, aiblins sae," retorted John, "but it mayna be for want o'

ministers."

=A Serious Dog and for a Serious Reason=

A Highland gamekeeper, when asked why a certain terrier, of singular pluck, was so much more solemn than the other dogs, said: "Oh, sir, life's full o' sairiousness to him--he first can never get enuff o'

fechtin'."

=A Clever "Turn"=

Lord Elibank, the Scotch peer, was told that Dr. Johnson, in his dictionary, had defined oats to be food for horses in England and for men in Scotland. "Ay," said his lords.h.i.+p, "and where else can you find such horses and such men?"