The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 34

parlour to console himself after the fatigues and troubles of the day there were a cheerful fire and a comfortable meal prepared for him. Mr.

O'Rapley had promised to spend the evening with him, so that they might talk over the business of the day and the prospects of the coming trial.

It was a very singular coincidence, and one that tended to cement the friends.h.i.+p of these two gentlemen, that their tastes both inclined to gin-and-water. And this very house, as appeared from a notice on the outside, was the "noted house for Foolman's celebrated gin."

But as yet Mr. O'Rapley had not arrived; so after his meal Mr. b.u.mpkin looked into the other room to see how Joe was getting on, for he was extremely anxious to keep his "head witness" straight. "Joe was his mainstay."

I have already related what took place, and the song that b.u.mpkin sang.

The statement of the head witness that he was all right, and that he was up to Mr. Sergeant, to a great extent rea.s.sured Mr. b.u.mpkin: although he felt, keen man that he was, that that soldier was there for the purpose of "ketchin what young men he could to make sogers on 'em; he had 'eerd o' sich things afore:" such were his thoughts as Mr. O'Rapley entered the apartment.

"Dear me, Mr. b.u.mpkin," said that official, "how very cold it is! how are you, Mrs. Oldtimes? I haven't seen you for an age."

The Don always made that observation when strangers were present.

"Hope you're quite well, sir," said the landlady, with much humility.

"What'll thee please to take, sir?" asked b.u.mpkin.

"Well, now, I daresay you'll think me remarkable strange, Mr. b.u.mpkin, but I'm going to say something which I very very seldom indulge in, but it's good, I believe, for indigestion. I will take a little-just a very small quant.i.ty-of gin, with some hot water, and a large lump of sugar, to destroy the alcohol."

"Ha!" said the knowing b.u.mpkin; "that's wot we call gin-and-water in our part of the country. So'll I, Mrs. Oldtimes, but not too much hot water for I. What'll thee smoke, sir?"

"Thank you, one of those cheroots that my lord praised so much the last time we was 'ere."

"If you please, sir," said the landlady, with a very good-natured smile.

"Well," said the O'Rapley, in his patronizing manner; "and how have we got on to-day? let us hear all about it. Come, your good health, Mr.

b.u.mkin, and success to our lawsuit. I call it _ours_ now, for I really feel as interested in it as you do yourself; by-the-bye, what's it all about, Mr. b.u.mpkin?"

"Well, sir, you see," replied the astute man, "I hardly knows; it beginnd about a pig, but what it's about now, be more un I can tell thee. I think it be salt and trespa.s.s."

"You have not enquired?"

"No, I beant; I left un all in the hands o' my lawyer, and I believe he's a goodun, bean't he?"

"Let me see; O dear, yes, a capital man-a very good man indeed, a close shaver."

"Is ur? and that's what I want. I wants thic feller shaved as close to his chin as may be."

"Ah!" said O'Rapley, "and Prigg will shave him, and no mistake. Well, and how did we get on at the Mansion House? First of all, who was against you?-Mrs. Oldtimes, I _think_ I'll just take a very small quant.i.ty more, it has quite removed my indigestion-who was against you, sir?"

"Mr. Nimble; but, lor, he worn't nowhere; I had un to rights,-jest gi'e me a leetle more, missus,-he couldn't axe I a question I couldn't answer; and I believe he said as good, for I zeed un talking to the Lord Mayor; it worn't no use to question I."

"You didn't say anything about me?"

"No," answered b.u.mpkin, in a loud whisper; "I din't; but I did say afore I could stop the word from comin' out o' my mouth as I had a _companion_, but they didn't ketch it, except that the gentleman under the lord mayor were gwine to ax about thee, and blowed if the counsellor didn't stop un; so that be all right."

"Capital!" exclaimed the great bowler, waving his arm as if in the act of delivery; then, in a whisper, "Did they ask about the woman?"

"Noa-they doan't know nowt about thic-not a word; I was mighty plased at un, for although, as thee be aware, it be the biggest lie as ever wur heard, I wouldn't have my wife hear o' sich to save my life. She be a good wife to I an' allays have a bin; but there I thee could clear me in a minute, if need be, sir."

"Yes, but you see," said the artful Don, "if I was to appear, it would make a sensational case of it in a minute and fill all the papers."

"Would ur now? Morn't do that nuther; but, wot d'ye think, sir? As I wur leavin' the Cooart, a gemman comes up and he says, says he, 'I spoase, sir, you don't want this thing put in the papers?' How the dooce he knowed that, I can't make out, onless that I wouldn't say where I lived, for the sake o' Nancy; no, nor thee couldn't ha' dragged un out o'

me wi' horses."

"Yes?" said the Don, interrogatively.

"'Well,' says I, 'no, I don't partickler want it in.' I thought I'd say that, don't thee zee (with a wink), 'cos he shouldn't think I were eager like."

"Exactly,"

"Well, this 'ere gemman says, says he, 'It don't matter to me, sir, whether it's in or not, but if thee don't want it in, I'll keep it out, that's all. It will pay I better p'raps to put un in.'

"'And who med thee be, sir?' I axed.

"'Only the _Times_', said the gemman, 'that's all.' Then, turning to his friend, he said, 'Come on, Jack, the gemman wants it in, so we'll have it in, every word, and where he comes from too, and all about the gal; we know all about it, don't us, Jack?'"

"Ha!" said the O'Rapley, blowing out a large cloud, and fixing his eye on the middle stump.

"Well," continued b.u.mpkin, "thee could ha' knocked I down wi' a feather.

How the doose they knowed where I comed from I can't make out; but here wur I as cloase to the man as writes the _Times_ as I be to thee."

The O'Rapley nodded his head knowingly several times.

"'Well, and how much do thee charge to keep un out?' seys I. 'Don't be too hard upon me, I be only a poor man.'

"'We have only one charge,' says the _Times_, 'and that is half a guinea.'

"'Spoase we say seven and six,' sess I.

"'That,' seys the _Times_, 'wouldn't keep your name out, and I suppose you don't want that in?' 'Very well,' I sess, takin' out my leather bag and handin' him the money; 'this'll keep un out, wool ur?'

"'Sartainly,' says he; and then his friend Jack says, 'My fee be five s.h.i.+llings, sir.' 'And who be thee?' says I. 'I'm the _Telegrarf_,' seys he. 'The devil thee be?' I sess, 'I've eerd tell on ee.' 'Largest calculation in the world,' he says; 'and, if thee like,' he says, 'I can take the _Daily Noos_ and _Stanard_ money, for I don't see 'em here jist now; it'll be five s.h.i.+llings apiece.'

"'Well,' I sess, 'this be rum business, this; if I takes a quant.i.ty like this, can't it be done a little cheaper?'

"'No,' he says; 'we stands too high for anything o' that sort. Thee can 'ave it or leave it.'

"'Very well,' I sess; 'then, if there's no option, there's the money.'

And with that I handed un the fifteen s.h.i.+llings.

"'Then,' says the _Times_, 'we'd better look sharp, Jack, or else we shan't be in time to keep it out.' And wi' that they hurried off as fast as they could. I will say't they didn't let the gra.s.s grow under their feet."

"And why," enquired the Don, with an amused smile, "were you so anxious to keep it out of the _Times_? Mrs. b.u.mpkin doesn't read the _Times_, does she?"

"Why, no; but then the Squoire tak it in, and when eve done wi un he lends un to the Doctor, Mr. Gossip; and when he gets hold o' anything, away it goes to the Parish Clerk, Mr. Jeerum, and then thee med as well hire the town crier at once."

"I see; but if you'll excuse me, Mr. b.u.mpkin, I will give you a bit of information that may be of service."

"Thankee, sir; will thee jist tak a little more to wet the tother eye like."