The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 35

"Well, really," replied O'Rapley, "it is long past my hour of nocturnal repose."

"What, sir? I doant ondustand."

"I mean to say that I generally hook it off to bed before this."

"Zackly; but we'll 'ave another. Your leave, sir, thee was going to tell I zummat."

"O yes," said Mr. O'Rapley, with a wave of the hand in imitation of the Lord Chief Justice. "I was going to say that those two men were a couple of rogues."

Mr. b.u.mpkin paused in the act of pa.s.sing the tumbler to his lips, like one who feels he has been artfully taken in.

"You've been done, sir!" said Mr. O'Rapley emphatically, "that man who said he was the _Times_ was no more the _Times_ than you're _Punch_."

"Nor thic _Telegrarf_ feller!"

"No. And you could prosecute them. And I'll tell you what you could prosecute them for." Mr. b.u.mpkin looked almost stupified.

"I'll tell you what these villains have been guilty of; they've been guilty of obtaining money by false pretences, and conspiring to obtain money by false pretences."

"Have um?" said b.u.mpkin.

"And you can prosecute them. You've only got to go and put the matter in the hands of the police, and then go to some first-rate solicitor who attends police courts; now I can recommend you one that will do you justice. I should like to see these rascals well punished."

"And will this fust-rate attorney do un for nothin'?"

"Why, hardly; any more than you would sell him a pig for nothing."

"Then I shan't prosekit," said Mr. b.u.mpkin; "the devil's in't, I be no sooner out o' one thing than I be into another-why I beant out o' thic watch job yet, for I got to 'pear at the Old Bailey on the twenty-fourth."

"O, committed for trial, was he?" exclaimed the Don.

"Sure wur ur," said Mr. b.u.mpkin triumphantly-"guilty!"

Now I perceived that the wily Mr. O'Rapley did not recommend b.u.mpkin to obtain the services of a solicitor to conduct his prosecution in this case; and I apprehend for this reason, that the said solicitor being conscientious, would unquestionably recommend and insist that Mr.

b.u.mpkin's evidence at the Old Bailey should be supported by that of the Don himself. So Mr. b.u.mpkin was left to the tender mercies of the Public Prosecutor or a criminal tout, or the most inexperienced of "soup"

instructed counsel, as the case might be, but of which matters at present I have no knowledge as I have no dreams of the future.

Then Mr. b.u.mpkin said, "By thy leave, worthy Mr. O'Rapley, I will just see what my head witness be about: he be a sharp lad enow, but wants a dale o' lookin arter."

CHAPTER XXIV.

Don O'Rapley expresses his views of the policy of the legislature in not permitting dominoes to be played in public houses.

When Mr. b.u.mpkin returned to the cosy parlour, his face was red and his teeth were set. He was so much agitated indeed, that instead of addressing Mr. O'Rapley, he spoke to Mrs. Oldtimes, as though in her female tenderness he might find a more sincere and sympathetic adviser.

Mr. b.u.mpkin was never what you would call an eloquent or fluent speaker: his Somersets.h.i.+re brogue was at times difficult of comprehension. He certainly was not fluent when he said to Mrs. Oldtimes: "Why thic-there-d.a.m.n un Mrs. Oldtimes if he beant gwine and never zeed zich a thing in my bornd days-"

"Why what ever in the name of goodness gracious is the matter?" asked the landlady.

"Why thic there head witness o' mine: a silly-brained-Gor forgive me that iver I should spake so o' un, for he wor allays a good chap; and I do b'leeve he've got moore sense than do any thing o' that kind."

"What's the matter? what's the matter?" again enquired Mrs. Oldtimes.

"Why he be playin' dominoes wi thic Sergeant."

"O," said the landlady, "I was afraid something had happened. We're not allowed to know anything about dominoes or card-playing in our house-the Law forbids our knowing it, Mr. b.u.mpkin; so, if you please, we will not talk about it-I wish to conduct my house as it always has been for the last five-and-twenty years, in peace and quietness and respectability, Mr. b.u.mpkin, which n.o.body can never say to the contrairy. It was only the last licensing day Mr. Twiddletwaddle, the chairman of the Bench, said as it were the best conducted house in Westminster."

Now whether it was that the report of this domino playing was made in the presence of so high a dignitary of the law as Mr. O'Rapley, or from any other cause, I cannot say, but Mrs. Oldtimes was really indignant, and positively refused to accept any statement which involved the character of her establishment.

"I think," she continued, addressing Mr. O'Rapley, "you have known this house for some time, sir."

"I have," said O'Rapley. "I have pa.s.sed it every evening for the last ten years."

"Ah now, to be sure-you hear that, Mr. b.u.mpkin. What do you think of that?"

"Never saw anything wrong, I will say that."

"Never a game in my house, if I knows it; and what's more, I won't believe it until I sees it."

"Ockelar demonstration, that's the law," said the Don.

Mr. b.u.mpkin's excitement was absolutely merged in that of the landlady, whom he had so innocently provoked. He stared as the parties continued their wordy justification of this well-ruled household like one dreaming with his eyes open. No woman could have made more ado about her own character than Mrs. Oldtimes did respecting that of her house. But then, the one could be estimated in money, while the other possessed but an abstract value.

"I believe," she repeated, "that cards or dominoes has never been played in my house since here I've been, or since the law has been what it is."

"I be wery sorry," said the penitent b.u.mpkin; "I warn't aweare I wur doing anythin' wrong."

"It's unlawful, you see, to play," said the Don; "and consequently they dursn't play. Now, why is it unlawful? Because Public Houses is for drinking, not for amus.e.m.e.nt. Now, sir, Drink is the largest tax-payer we've got-therefore Drink's an important Industry. Set people to work drinking and you get a good Rewenue, which keeps up the Army and Navy-the Navy swims in liquor, sir-but let these here Perducers of the Rewenue pause for the sake o' playing dominoes, or what not, and what's the consequence? You check this important industry-therefore don't by any manner of means interrupt drinking. It's an agreeable ockepation and a paying one."

"Well done, sir," said Oldtimes, from the corner of the fireplace, where he was doing his best with only one mouth and one const.i.tution to keep up the Army and Navy. A patriotic man was Oldtimes.

"Drink," continued O'Rapley, "is the most powerful horgsilery the Government has."

"Ah!" said Mr. b.u.mpkin, not knowing what a horgsilery was; "now thee've gone a-head o' me, sir. Thee're a larned man, Mr. O'Rapley, and I beant much of a schollard; will thee please to tell I what a horgs-what wur it?"

"Horgsilery," said Mr. O'Rapley.

"Horsgilly-ah! so twur. Well, by thy leave, worthy sir, will thee be so kind as to tell I be it anything like a hogshead?"

"Well," said Mr. O'Rapley, "its more like a corkscrew: the taxes of the country would be bottled up as tight as champagne and you couldn't get 'em out without this corkscrew."

"But I worn't spakin' about taxes when I spak of dominoes; what I wur alludin' to wur thic Joe been drawed in to goo for a soger."

"Lor, bless you," said Mrs. Oldtimes, "many a man as good as Joe have listed before now and will again."