The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 42

"Noa, I beant; my case be that plaain, it spaks for itself."

"Ah!" said Mr. Alibi; "they won't always let a case speak for itself-they very often stop it-but if you can get a counsel for nothing, why not have one; that stands to reason, I think?"

"For nothing? well that be the fust time I ever eeard o' a loryer as chape as thic."

How it could pay was the wonder to Mr. b.u.mpkin. And what a strange delusion it must seem to the mind of the general reader! But wait, gentle peruser of this history, you shall see this strange sight.

"If you like to have a counsel and a lawyer to conduct your case, sir, it shall not cost you a farthing, I give you my word of honour! What do you think of that?"

What could Mr. b.u.mpkin think of that? What a pity that he had not met this gentleman before! Probably he would have brought several actions if he had; for if you could work the machinery of the law for nothing, you would always stand to win.

"O," said Mr. Alibi, "here is seven hundred and seventy! This gentleman wants a counsel, and I've been telling him he can have one, and it won't cost him anything."

"That's right enough," said the Policeman; "but it ain't nothin' to do with me!"

"Just step this way, sir, we'll soon have this case on," said Alibi; and he led the way to the back room of a public-house, which seemed to be used as a "hedge" lawyer's office.

"Med I mak so bold, sir; be thee a loryer?"

"No," answered Alibi, "I am clerk to Mr. Deadandgone."

"And don't Mr. Deadandam charge nothin'?"

"O dear, no!"

What a very nice man Mr. Deadandam must be!

"You see," said Alibi, "the Crown pays us!"

"The Crown!"

And here Mr. Alibi slipped a crown-piece into the artfully extended palm of the policeman, who said:

"It ain't nothin' to do wi' me; but the gentleman's quite right, the Crown pays." And he dropped the money into his leather purse, which he rolled up carefully and placed in his pocket.

"You see," said Alibi, "I act as the Public Prosecutor, who can't be expected to do everything-you can't grind all the wheat in the country in one mill, that stands to common sense."

"That be right, that's werry good,"

"And," continued Mr. Alibi, "the Government allows two guineas for counsel, a guinea for the solicitor, and so on, and the witnesses, don't you see?"

"Zactly!" said b.u.mpkin.

"And that's quite enough," continued Alibi; "we don't want anything from the prosecutor-that's right, policeman!"

"It ain't nothink to do wi' me," said the policeman; "but what this 'ere gentleman says is the law."

"There," said Alibi, "I told you so."

"I spose," said the policeman, "you don't want me, gentlemen; it ain't nothink to do with me?"

"Oh, no, Leary," replied Alibi; "we don't want you; the case is pretty straight, I suppose."

"Oh, yes, sir; I expects it'll be a plea of guilty. There ain't no defence, not as I'm aware of."

"Oh," said Alibi, "that's all right-keep your witnesses together, Leary-don't be out of the way."

"No, sir," says Leary; "I thinks I knows my dooty."

And with this he slouched out of the room, and went and refreshed himself at the bar.

In two or three minutes the policeman returned, and was in the act of drawing the back of his hand across his mouth, when Alibi said:

"Yes?"

"Beg pardin, sir; but there's another gentleman wants to see you-I thinks he wants you to defend ---; but it ain't nothink to do wi' me, sir."

"Very good," answered Alibi, "very good; now let me see-"

"You got the Baker's case?" said Leary.

"Yes," said Alibi; "O, yes-embezzlement."

Everything was thus far satisfactorily settled, and Mr. b.u.mpkin's interests duly represented by Mr. Deadandgone, an eminent pract.i.tioner.

No doubt the services of competent counsel would be procured, and the case fully presented to the consideration of an intelligent jury.

Who shall say after this that the Old Bailey is _not_ the Heart of Civilization?

I pa.s.s over the preliminary canter of Mr. b.u.mpkin before the Grand Jury; the decision of that judicial body, the finding of the true bill, the return of the said bill in Court, the bringing up of the prisoner for arraignment, and the fixing of the case to be taken first on Thursday in deference to the wishes of Mr. Nimble. I pa.s.s by all those preliminary proceedings which I have before attempted to describe, and which, if I might employ a racing simile, might be compared to the saddling of Mr.

b.u.mpkin in the paddock, where, unquestionably, he was first favourite for the coming race, to be ridden by that excellent jockey, Alibi; and come at once to the great and memorable trial of Regina on the prosecution of Thomas b.u.mpkin against Simon Simpleman for highway robbery with violence.

As the prisoner entered the dock there was a look of unaffected innocence in his appearance that seemed to make an impression on the learned Judge, Mr. Justice Technical, a recently appointed Chancery barrister. I may be allowed to mention that his Lords.h.i.+p had never had any experience in Criminal Courts whatever: so he brought to the discharge of his important duty a thoroughly unprejudiced and impartial mind. He did not suspect that a man was guilty because he was charged: and the respectable and harmless manner of the accused was not interpreted by his Lords.h.i.+p as a piece of consummate acting, as it would be by some Judges who have seen much of the world as it is exhibited in Criminal Courts.

Many ladies of rank were ushered in by the Sheriff, all looking as smiling and happy as if they were about to witness the performance of some celebrated actress for the first time; they had fans and opera-gla.s.ses, and as they took their places in the boxes allotted to rank and fas.h.i.+on, there was quite a pleasant sensation produced in Court, and they attracted more notice for the time being than the prisoners themselves.

Now these ladies were not there to witness the first piece, the mere trial of Simpleman for highway robbery, although the sentence might include the necessary brutality of flogging. The afterpiece was what they had come to see-namely, a fearful tragedy, in which two men at least were sure of being sentenced to death. This is the nearest approach to shedding human blood which ladies can now witness in this country; for I do not regard pigeon slaughtering, brutal and bloodthirsty as it is, as comparable to the sentencing of a fellow-creature to be strangled. And no one can blame ladies of rank if they slake their thirst for horrors in the only way the law now leaves open to them. The Beauty of Spain is better provided for. What a blessed thing is humanity!

It is due to Mr. Newboy, the counsel for the prosecution in the great case of _Regina_ v. _Simpleman_, to say that he had only lately been called to the Bar, and only "_instructed_," as the prisoner was placed in the dock. Consequently, he had not had time to read his brief. I do not know that that was a disadvantage, inasmuch as the brief consisted in what purported to be a copy of the depositions so illegibly scrawled that it would have required the most intense study to make out the meaning of a single line.

Mr. Newboy was by no means devoid of ability; but no amount of ability would give a man a knowledge of the facts of a case which were never communicated to him. In its simplicity the prosecution was beautifully commonplace, and five minutes' consideration would have been sufficient to enable counsel to master the details and be prepared to meet the defence. Alas, for the lack of those five minutes! The more Mr. Newboy looked at the writing (?) the more confused he got. All he could make out was his own name, and _Reg._ v. _Somebody_ on the back.

Now it happened that Mr. Alibi saw the difficulty in which Mr. Newboy was, and knowing that his, Alibi's, clerk, was not remarkable for penmans.h.i.+p, handed to the learned counsel at the last moment, when the last juryman was being bawled at with the "well and truly try," a copy of the depositions.

The first name at the top of the first page which caught the eye of the learned counsel, was that of the prisoner; for the depositions commence in such a way as to show the name of the prisoner in close proximity to, if not among the names of witnesses.

So Mr. Newboy, in his confusion, taking the name of the prisoner as his first witness, shouted out in a bold voice, to give himself courage, "_Simon Simpleman_."

"'Ere!" answered the prisoner.