The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 41

"Well, well," said Mr. Prigg, "I only thought I'd call, you know, in case there should be anything which might in any way affect our action."

Mr. b.u.mpkin, conscious of his moral rect.i.tude, like all good men, was fearless: he knew that nothing which he had done would affect the merits of his case, and, therefore, instead of replying to the subtle question of his adviser, he merely enquired of that gentleman when he thought the case would be on. The usual question.

Mr. Prigg rubbed his hands and glanced his eyes as though just under his left elbow was a very deep well, at the bottom of which lay that inestimable jewel, truth. "Really," Mr. b.u.mpkin, "I expect every hour to see us in the paper. It's very extraordinary; they have no less than three Courts sitting, as I daresay you are aware. No less than-let me see, my mind's so full of business, I have seven cases ready to come on.

Where was I? O, I know; I say there are no less than three Courts, under the continuous sittings system, and yet we seem to make no progress in the diminution of the tremendous and overwhelming ma.s.s of business that pours in upon us."

Mr. b.u.mpkin said "Hem!"

"You see," continued Mr. Prigg, "there's one thing, we shall not last long when we do come on."

"Shan't ur?"

"You see there's only one witness, besides yourself, on our side."

"And 'eve gone for a soger," said Mr. b.u.mpkin.

"A soldier!" exclaimed Prigg. "A soldier, my dear b.u.mpkin. No-no-you don't say so, really!"

"Ay, sure 'ave ur; and wot the devil I be to do agin that there Snooks, as 'll lie through a brick wall, I beant able to say. I be pooty nigh off my chump wot wi' one thing and another."

"Off what, sir?" enquired Mr. Prigg.

"Chump," shouted b.u.mpkin.

"O, indeed, yes; dear me, you don't say so. Well, now I'm glad I called.

I must see about this. What regiment did you say he'd joined?"

"Hoosors!"

"Ha! dear me, has he, indeed?" said Mr. Prigg, noting it down in his pocket-book. "What a pity for a young man like that to throw himself away-such an intelligent young fellow, too, and might have done so well; dear me!"

"Ha," answered b.u.mpkin, "there worn't a better feller at plough nor thic there; and he could mend a barrer or a 'arrer, and turn his 'and to pooty nigh anything about t' farm."

"And is there any reason that can be a.s.signed for this extraordinary conduct? Wasn't in debt, I suppose?"

Mr. b.u.mpkin laughed one of his old big fireside laughs such as he had not indulged in lately.

"Debt! why they wouldn't trust un a shoe-string. Where the devil wur such a chap as thic to get money to get into debt wi'?"

"My dear sir, we don't want money to get into debt with; we get into debt when we have none."

"Do ur, sir. Then if I hadn't 'ad any money I'd like to know 'ow fur thee'd ha' trusted I."

"Dear me," said Mr. Prigg, "what a very curious way of putting it! But, however, soldier or no soldier, we must have his evidence. I must see about it: I must go to the depot. Now, with regard to your case at the Old Bailey."

"Well," said Mr. b.u.mpkin, rather testily; "I be bound over to proserkit, and that be all I knows about un. I got to give seam evidence as I guv afore the Lord Mayor, and the Lord Mayor said as the case wur clear, and away it went for trial."

"Indeed! dear me!"

"And I got to tak no trouble at all about un, but to keep my mouth shut till the case comes on, that's what the pleeceman told I. I bean't to talk about un, or to tak any money not to proserkit."

"O dear, no," said Mr. Prigg. "O dear, dear, no; you would be compounding a felony." (Here Mr. Prigg made a note in his diary to this effect:-"Attending you at 'The Goose' at Westminster, when you informed me that you were the prosecutor in a case at the Old Bailey, and in which I advised you not, under any circ.u.mstances, to accept a compromise or money for the purpose of withdrawing from the prosecution, and strongly impressed upon you that such conduct would amount in law to a misdemeanor. Long conference with you thereon, when you promised to abide by my advice, 1 6_s._ 0_d._").

"Now," said b.u.mpkin, "it seem to me that turn which way I wool, there be too much law, too many pitfalls; I be gettin' sick on't."

"Well," said Mr. Prigg, "we have only to do our duty in that station of life in which we are called, and we have no cause to fear. Now you know you would _not_ have liked that unprincipled man, Snooks, to have the laugh of you, would you now?"

Mr. b.u.mpkin clenched his fist as he said, "Noa, I'd sooner lose every penny I got than thic there feller should ha' the grin o' me."

"Quite so," said the straightforward moralist. "Quite so! dear me!

Well, well, I must wish you good morning, for really I am so overwhelmed with work that I hardly know which way to turn-bye, bye. I will take care to keep you posted up in-." Here Mr. Prigg's cab drove off, and I could not ascertain whether the posting up was to be in the state of the list or in the lawyer's ledger.

"What a nice man!" said the landlady.

Yes, that was Mr. Prigg's character, go where he would: "A nice man!"

CHAPTER XXIX.

The trial at the Old Bailey of Mr. Simple Simonman for highway robbery with violence-Mr. Alibi introduces himself to Mr. b.u.mpkin.

I next saw Mr. b.u.mpkin wandering about the precincts of that Grand Inst.i.tution, the Old Bailey, on a drizzly morning about the middle of February, 187-, waiting to go before the Grand Jury. As the famous prison in Scotland was called the "Heart of Midlothian" so the Old Bailey may be considered the Heart of Civilization. Its commanding situation, in the very centre of a commercial population, ent.i.tles it to this distinction; for nothing is supposed to have so civilizing an influence as Commerce. I was always impressed with its beautiful and picturesque appearance, especially on a fine summer morning, during its sittings, when the sun was pouring its brightest beams on its lively portals. What a charming picture was presented to your view, when the gates being open, the range of sheds on the left met the eye, especially the centre one where the gallows is kept packed up for future use. The gallows on the one side might be seen and the stately carriages of my Lord Mayor and Sheriffs on the other! Gorgeous coachmen and footmen in resplendent liveries; magnificent civic dignitaries in elaborate liveries too, rich with gold and bright with colour, stepping forth from their carriages, amid loud cries of "Make way!" holding in their white-gloved hands large bouquets of the loveliest flowers, emblems of-what?

Crime truly has its magnificent accompaniments, and if it does not dress itself, as of old, in the rich costumes of a Turpin or a Duval, it is not without its beautiful surroundings. Here, where the channels and gutters of crime converge, is built, in the centre of the greatest commercial city in the world, the Bailey. Mr. b.u.mpkin wandered about for hours through a reeking unsavoury crowd of thieves and thieves' companions, idlers of every type of blackguardism, ruffians of every degree of criminality; boys and girls receiving their finis.h.i.+ng lessons in crime under the dock, as they used to do only a few years ago under the gallows. The public street is given over to the enemies of Society; and Civilisation looks on without a shudder or regret, as though crime were a necessity, and the Old Bailey, in the heart of London, no disgrace.

And a little dirty, greasy hatted, black whiskered man, after pus.h.i.+ng hither and thither through this pestiferous crowd as though he had business with everybody, but did not exactly know what it was, at length approached Mr. b.u.mpkin; and after standing a few minutes by his side eyeing him with keen hungry looks, began that interesting conversation about the weather which seems always so universally acceptable. Mr.

b.u.mpkin was tired. He had been wandering for hours in the street, and was wondering when he should be called before the Grand Jury. Mr. Alibi, that was the dark gentleman's name, knew all about Mr. b.u.mpkin's case, his condition of mind, and his impatience; and he said deferentially:

"You are waiting to go before the Grand Jury, I suppose, sir?"

"I be," answered b.u.mpkin.

"Where's your policeman?" enquired Alibi.

"I doant know," said b.u.mpkin.

"What's his number?"

"Sev'n hunderd and sev'nty."

"O, I know," said Alibi; "why not let me get you before the Grand Jury at once, instead of waiting about here all day, and perhaps to-morrow and the next day, and the day after that; besides, the sooner you go before the Grand Jury, the sooner your case will come on; that stands to common sense, I think."

"So ur do," answered the farmer.

"You will be here a month if you don't look out. Have you got any counsel or solicitor?"