Saar: Stardust And Shadows Part 19

"You couldn't possibly love a man like Ryker Triloni! Remember all Shara told you about him, about them. Remember how Ryker treated you. He would have killed you if things had gone differently when we met. You can't be in love with Ryker; you never got to know the real man. You lived with me, you loved me, you wanted me. I was the one with you all this time, not him."

"But you were impersonating him, you were being him, not Varian. If you hadn't played him with perfection, you wouldn't have fooled everybody. The fact you have should prove I was, in all ways but one, with Ryker."

She saw a look of panic cross his face that surprised her. "You let everyone think I practically eloped with him, a near stranger. You made certain our marriage was revealed and is legal. When his death is exposed, do you think the grieving widow would run straight into your arms? Return with eagerness to the man who had treated me so badly? The man, by your own plot, I escaped. You fooled me, but I'm not a fool. If I came traipsing back to you after pretending to be happily wed and in love with Ryker, I would certainly look like one. I would appear a money-grubbing b.i.t.c.h, a liar, a cheat, a schemer."

"It won't be like that, Jana."

"Almost as soon as you free me, I race off, meet Ryker by sheer chance, enchant him, and marry him. Then, he's no sooner allegedly killed and buried when I leap back into the arms of my ex-captor, my ex-lover, my betrayer! I become your mistress. I do all of that and I won't appear anything but sweet and innocent Jana Greyson? Fat chance!"

"Not as my mistress, Moonbeam, as my wife."

"That would be as bad and repulsive. And about Ca.s.s ... you spread the news you two are eagerly awaiting to be married. But as soon as your ex-lover is widowed, you dump her to get me back? How will that make you look in the eyes and hearts of your people? You can't ever reveal you impersonated Ryker, or this was all for naught. Without exposing the truth, you've entrapped us."

Varian read Jana's anger and bitterness. He was almost glad the emotions had surfaced so he could deal with them and hopefully dispel them.

"Who's going to believe such garbage, Commander Saar? No one."

"All we have to say is that you ran away from me because you didn't know I loved you. I was going to wed Ca.s.s to get over your loss. Lovers torn apart by cruel fate and reunited by generous G.o.ds ... Who could resist believing such a romantic tale?"

"Hog was.h.!.+ Bulls.h.i.+t! This is real life, you b.a.s.t.a.r.d, involving real people, intelligent people, not some fantasy. Besides, Maal would kill both of us if I dishonored Ryker's memory by getting involved with you again. Be realistic, you s.p.a.ce pirate, no one will fall for such a story."

"I admit we'll have to be persuasive and careful for a while, but-"

"But nothing, Saar. No deal, no more chances. You've had your last one with me and you blew it. You enjoyed your little pretense and were proud of yourself for being so good at it."

"I enjoyed being with you, Moonbeam, but not fooling you."

"You liar! Is that why you slept with me as him?"

"I couldn't help myself. I loved you and needed you. I missed you."

"What you needed and missed was s.e.x, and that's all you got from me."

"You made love to me, woman; it wasn't just physical s.e.x."

"I did not make love to you; I was responding to Ryker."

"To me, Jana Greyson, to me! In your heart, you never doubted it was me. You always wanted it to be me. You pretended it was me."

That was true, but she taunted, "Are you positive?"

"Don't do this to us, Jana. We've both suffered too much for my missions and mistakes. Let's make peace and be happy."

"Just like that," she scoffed as she snapped her fingers. "Forgive and forget? Just pretend this so-called misunderstanding and betrayal never happened? It isn't that easy or simple."

"It can be, my love, if you let it. I love you. I need you. I'm sorry. I want to marry you. Doesn't any of that matter to you?"

"No, and you have a strange way of showing your feelings. On Earth, we say: 'Practice what you preach.' You certainly don't."

He lifted his unballed hands and, with palms upward, shook them, an alien sign of being open and honest. But it was as a gesture of frustration tonight because he knew he wasn't getting through to her. "I've made mistakes; I've admitted that. Are my words not translating into your language correctly to get my meaning across to you? Perdition, woman, I said I was sorry, but I had no choice."

Jana saw how upset he was, but she didn't let it affect her. "I have no choice, either, Varian; I can never trust you again. Without trust, it's over. When we get out of this mess, if we do, we go our separate ways."

He narrowed his gaze in denial. "No, Jana, I won't let you get away from me. I can't lose you."

"You already have. Are you listening to me and understanding my feelings? Is your aural translator malfunctioning? It's over."

"I don't believe it; I won't believe it. True love doesn't end."

"True love, that's the key word, Varian; you've never been true to me and I doubt you have the capability to do so with me or any woman. Whether or not you choose to believe it's over, that's up to you. But if you doubt it, you'll be fooling yourself this time."

"I'm not fooling myself, and I'm not lying to you. You lit a fire in me that can't be extinguished."

"Without the right fuel, all fires die. Or didn't you learn that scientific fact when you trained to impersonate Ryker?"

He frowned. "Is it so hard to understand what I had to do?"

"Understanding the situation isn't the problem. How you handled it and why you handled it that way is; that's what stands between us and will always stand between us and keep us apart."

"You know why I did it, Jana, to save lives and two worlds, to prevent intergalactic war. Aren't those things important, too, as important as we are? What else could I have done?"

"You could have trusted me and loved me enough to let me help."

"Without endangering everything I was trying to accomplish? I told you I couldn't risk using Rendelar to protect our secrets."

"You found ways to do everything else the mission required. You and your team of experts are so good at things like this that you could have found a way if you had tried hard enough. You didn't because you wanted to take the quick and easy way out, which included using and betraying me."

Provoked by panic, he shouted, "Easy way? You think it has been easy to dupe you? Stars above, woman, it's the hardest and most painful thing I've ever done! I hated every minute I had to keep you in the Shadows. You don't know how many times I panicked over losing you and started to reveal the truth, even if it wound up costing me everything I had worked for."

"But you didn't ever reach that point, Varian. You saw the damage and suffering you were causing me ... us. Yet, it didn't matter enough to call a halt. I didn't matter enough for you to risk all to keep me. The d.a.m.n mission was your priority."

He gritted out between clenched teeth, "The d.a.m.n mission saved millions of lives and many worlds, Jana, including yours."

"For that part of your deception, I'm grateful."

Varian stared at her as he tried to calm himself and regain self-control. "You don't want to understand or forgive."

"Dr. Jana Greyson Triloni doesn't have to be either one."

His heart ached as he witnessed the full extent of what his ruse had caused. "I can't believe you could think and feel this way about something so important. You want to hurt me and punish me. You want revenge. You want me knocked to my knees. You want me humiliated. You want to do to me all the things you think I've done to you. You're wrong, Jana, and it isn't necessary. I am ashamed. I have been punished. You had revenge every time you called me Ryker and it seemed as if you were being drawn to him. It pierced my heart and soul to think I could lose you. I am on my knees, Moonbeam, and I am begging you to forgive me."

Jana broke the bond of their gazes. Hers darted about aimlessly as she thought about his words. She looked at him again. "I can't help what I feel and think, and you're responsible for those emotions and doubts. I don't want revenge, Varian. I don't want to humiliate you. I don't even want to hurt you or see you grovel. What I do want is for you to leave me alone and let me find peace and happiness. If I have to force you to honor my wishes, I will. This time, I have the freedom and rank to prevent you from using me again; I'll use them if you make it necessary. I suggest we concentrate our energy and wits on getting out of Pyropea alive and unharmed, then we'll go our separate ways."

Varian watched the effect of his confession on her. He realized the shock of his revelation and her anguish were too fresh and deep to make a difference on her tonight. He concluded it was going to take time, work, patience, and love to win her back. Somehow he must find a way out of this trap, with Jana at his side. "Let's eat and talk again in the morning. We're both exhausted."

"I'll eat, but my appet.i.te is gone." As she forced down the food in the tins and clear bags that he had pa.s.sed to her, she stared at the ground. All along she had been with Varian and she had never given herself to Ryker. Everything she had said and done while believing he was Ryker flooded her mind like one tremendous gush of drowning liquid. She reflected on how she had behaved with "Ryker" when they visited the avatars, Maal, Tirol, Draco, Brec, and on the Wanderl.u.s.t with the new crew. She thought of her ridiculous confrontation with Martella when she feared for "Ryker's" life.

Varian had made a fool of her. He had trampled her feelings and pride, when he could have prevented or halted the torment and fears and shame she was experiencing. Love him and desire him or not, could she ever forgive him? Could she ever trust him again? Her dazed mind said no; her bruised heart said no; her tormented soul said no. Was there anything that handsome s.p.a.ce rogue could say or do to change her mind and feelings? No, no, no! they all shouted again.

Varian observed her mood and suffered, too. Perhaps once the shock wore off and she had time to think clearly, she would soften her stubborn and destructive stance. He couldn't give up on her and their love.

Chapter Thirteen.

As Varian worked on the stolen communicator the next morning after eating their scant rations, he and Jana talked with control at some points and quarreled with a loss of it at others.

"Will that thing work and get us out of here?" she asked.

"I think so."

"What about that decoy drone Garus mentioned? Won't that have drawn Nigel out of hearing range by now?"

"I hope not. I told him to stay on alert for trouble."

"Does he obey orders as well as you do?"

"How long are you going to stay angry and hostile?"

"Until the feelings wear off, just like you did. Just as I get over you and fall in love with somebody else, you storm back into my life and I'm told he doesn't exist, never existed as I knew him. You duped me to get your hands on Trilabs, didn't you? Why not admit it?"

Varian stopped working to look at her. "I won't deny how important Trilabs is to us. But more than we want and need to own or control it and its secrets, we want to prevent it from falling into the hands of our enemies. You must grasp that reality, Jana. Whoever rules Trilabs has the power to rule the Tri-Galaxy. Maffei does not want that role, but Taemin and Maal do, and Ryker did. Only Trilabs stands between us and them, only Trilabs can prevent their attack for conquest."

"If it were true that Ryker wanted to conquer and rule the Tri-Galaxy, he would have made an attempt by now, before he died; he had the power and means to take control."

"He was biding his time until he was ready. He enjoyed holding that threat over our heads and watching us squirm, especially me. The only reason I didn't confront him sooner was because I knew I would endanger my world and loved ones. He provoked me at every turn, Jana. He wanted either me or him dead. I had no way of getting to him and halting his threat until he gave me the entry code to his complex. He was so insane by then that he didn't even think to give me a fake one that would result in killing me and creating a sector catastrophe with the destruction of Darkar. He must have thought if I won our final battle, Shara would be waiting inside to take revenge on me. He never imagined I would impersonate him and dupe her."

Varian captured her gaze and held it. "When I entered that lab disguised as Ryker and saw you strapped to that table and without any signs of life, I almost went as mad as they were. Shara tried to pretend it was an accident, that she had tried to save you after your attempted suicide. She thought I was dead. She boasted of victory over the Saars. I wrapped my fingers around her evil throat and almost squeezed the life from her before I realized what I was doing. When she exposed their plan for her to take your face and place and she revealed their incestuous affair, I was repulsed. I told her it was over. She took her final plunge into madness and tried to kill the man she saw as a traitorous Ryker, perhaps as our father, too."

He lowered his troubled gaze to the task in his hands as that dark memory surfaced vividly. "During our struggle for the knife, she fell on it and was killed. Then, I discovered you weren't dead, just being prepared for cryogenic suspension. All Gehenna broke loose. Everything that could go wrong to prevent awakening and saving you, did. Solar flare-ups knocked out communications. The life-support unit had been destroyed. The shuttles and bay were demolished. One s.p.a.cer wouldn't work and one exploded with Tesla aboard." He fused his gaze with hers once more.

"Hours pa.s.sed in sheer terror, Moonbeam. Tris barely saved your life and it took agonizing time to do so. I was exhausted from the weeks of thinking you lost forever and my having to kill my half brother, scared by your near death and frantic rescue, and my discovery of the extent of their evil. I was trying to figure out a way to explain Ryker's death to Maal to prevent retaliation on Maffei. When this ruse came to mind. I saw it as the only answer. Maybe I still wasn't thinking clearly when I put everything into motion. But once it was under way, there was no turning back and no safe way to get rid of him. His death had to appear an accident, in one of his guarded locations, with witnesses Maal would believe-like Ryker's own men and androids, I could not be around to blame. To set that up, I had to play him and had to place my men at the chosen location: the mine on Caguas. I honestly believed you would understand and accept it. Even when you scared me with doubts, I kept telling myself it would be over soon and everything would be all right."

"So much clever work and planning and yet you couldn't find a simple way to include me, only use me. It all comes back to the fact you would do anything to get your hands on Trilabs."

"Keep it out of their hands, Jana; there's a big difference. Can you blame me for trying? Do you have a real concept of what intergalactic war would be like, especially with the advanced and powerful weapons we possess? You witnessed what ten s.h.i.+ps and lasers did to that rogue threatening your world. Imagine what ten similarly equipped enemy s.h.i.+ps could do to a populated planet in our galaxy. I couldn't let that happen. Why do you refuse to grasp and admit the truth?"

"What you refuse to grasp and admit, Varian, is there was never any need for this cruel ruse. After you killed Ryker and Shara and rescued me, we had Trilabs in our control. I was Ryker's wife and would become his widow and heir. No one knew how or where he died. We could have arranged an accident on Darkar that would have fooled Maal. A lethal spill in one of the labs or something. You had the entry code. You had the journals. You had the videotapes. You had Ryker's secrets. All of that gave you the power to save and protect both worlds. It provided the evidence you needed to force Maal and Jurad into treaties. If they refused, it supplied the power to defend Maffei or to even attack them. You held victory in your hands; instead of using it, you began another conflict and put me in the middle.

"By confiscating Trilabs in that manner, through you to me, it would only have provoked more trouble and certain war with Maal and the Tabrizes. You were already my ex-lover. If Ryker allegedly-died with only you present then you and I married, it would cast suspicions on both of us. Maal and Taemin would have come after you. This way, Ryker is the one who talked them out of attacking. What I did will accomplish peace in a peaceful way. After all the evil he's done in his life, what harm did it do to let him supposedly do some good before he dies publicly?"

"If no harm was done, Varian, then what are we doing stranded here in danger? The very two people who saved everybody else might die for their good deed. You had the right to endanger your life, but not mine, not without my permission."

"Isn't your life worth risking to save your world? Isn't my life worth risking for mine?"

"Yes, but that isn't the point."

"What is, Jana?"

"You're only seeing and hearing your side."

"Why can't we be on the same side, Moonbeam?"

"Because of who and what you are."

"What is that, Jana?"

"A man who puts his duty above everything."

"Why is that so wrong in a critical situation?"

"If you don't understand the difference and my meaning, I could never explain in a way you would grasp and accept."

When his frustration caused him to get angry and snappy because she wouldn't accept his apology and forgive him, Jana became even angrier because he seemed to expect to say those words and everything would magically be all right when he didn't appear to realize how wrong the matter was from her point of view. She knew she still loved and desired him, but she could not trust him, or was afraid to do so again. He had inflicted-yes, in the line of duty-great suffering and shame on her. She truly believed at that time that he might do it again in the line of duty. She couldn't open the door to an already abused heart and risk further damage to it. If there was a chance for them to get past this dilemma and make a fresh beginning, he had to prove his fealty and love to her. She had to give him time to worry, experience her loss, and correct his flaws and weaknesses, his misguided conceptions.

"Martella knew everything all along, didn't she?"

"Yes. But she resisted and argued against my plan. She warned me many times of the risks involved with duping you. She even had bad feelings about this trip; I should have listened to her."

"Who knows you're Varian?"

"Nigel, Tris, Martella, Grandfather, Draco, Brec, Kagan, and the two Elite Squad members I a.s.signed on Caguas."

"What about your crew who saw me rescued, saw Tesla die, saw you go to Darkar disguised as Ryker?"

"They were given mind implants to make them forget that happened, chemically induced partial amnesia that affects recent memory. My crew remembers our search for you but not your rescue. They were sent on leave while Tris, Nigel, Martella, and I prepared for this ruse."

"Why didn't you give me amnesia, too? It would have been kinder and safer for all of us. At least taken me back to before Shara's murder attempt."

"Because I didn't want you to forget what we said after your rescue. I didn't want you believing the lies Ca.s.s and Ryker told you."

"You didn't want me to forget it, but you would go to great lengths to convince me we were never reunited and you didn't confess your love and arrange for my kidnapping; it was only an hallucination? That's contradictory and cruel."

"That was one case where I was being selfish, Moonbeam. If I had blocked all of that out and played Ryker as I have, you would hate me by now. I had to fool you, but I had to leave you with doubts and hopes, with good and honest memories of me even if you believed they were dreams."

"How dare you tamper with my mind and emotions?" Jana screamed at him. "How dare you come to my bed as another man?"

"I never intended to make love to you as Ryker. But that night before our trip to Maal's, you were so close and tempting that I couldn't resist you. Once we'd started an intimate relations.h.i.+p, I thought it would look suspicious to halt it. And, Ryker was romancing you before he died. I did try to control myself, Jana; remember how I attempted to slow things down between you and him?"

"So, s.e.x became just part of the mission, part of your role."

"No, I wanted you and needed you. I admit I excused my weakness and desires by telling myself it was necessary, but I knew inside it wasn't."