Real Life In London Part 85

He is a banker, a loan-monger, and a contractor, a member of Parliament, and an orator; added to which, he may be said to be a man of wit and humour--at all events he is the cause of it in others. His first occupations have procured him great wealth, and his wit and humour great fame.

"The worthy Alderman's hospitality to the late good humoured and gossiping James Boswell, the humble follower and biographer of Dr.

Johnson, is well known; and it is probable that the pleasures of the table, in which no man more joyously engaged, shortened his life. To write the life of a great man is no easy task, and to write that of a big one may be no less arduous. Whether the Alderman really expected to be held up to future fame by the Biographer of Johnson, cannot be very easily ascertained; however that wish and expectation, if it ever existed, was completely frustrated by the death of poor Boswell.

"I recollect to have seen some lines of the worthy Alderman, on the glorious victory of the Nile, which shew at once his patriotism, his wit, and his resolution, in that he is not to be laughed out of the memorable toast he once gave--

"Great Nelson, in the grandest stile, Bore down upon the sh.o.r.es of Nile, And there obtained a famous victory, Which puzzled much the French Directory.

The impudence of them there fellows, As all the newspapers do tell us, Had put the grand Turk in a pet, Which caus'd him send to Nelson an aigrette; Likewise a grand pelisse, a n.o.ble boon-- Then let us hope--a speedy peace and soon."{1}

1 Whether the following lines are from the same hand or not, we are unable to ascertain; at least they wear a great similarity of character:

I give you the three glorious C's.

Our Church, Const.i.tution, and King; Then fill up three b.u.mpers to three n.o.ble Vs.

Wine, Women, and Whale fish-ing.

~~215~~~ "Egad," said Bob, "if this be true, he appears to knock up rhymes almost as well as he could bake biscuits" (smothering a laugh.)

"Why," replied Dashall, "I believe that it has not been positively ascertained that these lines, which unlike other poetry, contain no fiction, but plain and undeniable matter of fact, were wholly indicated by the worthy Alderman; indeed it is not impossible but that his wors.h.i.+p's barber might have had a hand in their composition. It would be hard indeed, if in his operations upon the Alderman's pericranium, he should not have absorbed some of the effluvia of the wit and genius contained therein; and in justice to this operator on his chin and caput, I ought to give you a specimen which was produced by him upon the election of his Lords.h.i.+p to the Mayoralty--

"Our present Mayor is William Curtis, A man of weight and that your sort is."

"This epigrammatic distich, which cannot be said to be dest.i.tute of point, upon being read at table, received, as it deserved, a large share of commendation; and his Lords.h.i.+p declared to the company present, that it had not taken his barber above three hours to produce it extempore."

Tallyho laughed heartily at these satirical touches upon the poor Alderman.

"However," continued Tom, "a man with plenty of money can bear laughing at, and sometimes laughs at himself, though I suspect he will hardly laugh or produce a laugh in others, by what he stated in his seat in the House of Commons, on the subject of the riots{1} at Knightsbridge.

I suspect his wit and good humour will hardly protect him in that instance."

1 On a motion made by Mr. Favell in the Court of Common Council, on the 21st of March, the following resolution was pa.s.sed, indicative of the opinion that Court entertained of the conduct of Alderman Curtis on the occasion here alluded to:

"That Sir William Curtis, Bart, having acknowledged in his place in this Court, that a certain speech now read was delivered by him in the House of Commons, in which, among other matters which he stated respecting the late riot at Knightsbridge, he said, 'That he had been anxious that a Committee should investigate this question, because he wished to let the world know the real character of this Great Common Council, who were always meddling with matters which they had nothing to do with, and which were far above their wisdom and energy. It was from such principles they had engaged in the recent inquiry, which he would contend they had no right to enter upon. Not only was evidence selected, but questions were put to draw such answers as the party putting them desired.'

"That the conduct of Sir William Curtis, one of the repre- sentatives of this City in Parliament, lias justly merited the censure and indignation of this Court and of his fellow Citizens."

~~216~~~ After taking a cursory look into the Chamberlain's Office, the Court of King's Bench and Common Pleas, they took their departure from Guildhall, very well satisfied with their morning's excursion.

It was between three and four o'clock when our friends left the Hall.

Tom Dashalt, being upon the qui vive, determined to give his Cousin a chevy for the remainder of the day; and for this purpose, it being on a Friday, he proposed a stroll among the Prad-sellers in Smithfield, where, after partaking of a steak and a bottle at Dolly's, they accordingly repaired.

"You will recollect," said Tom, "that you pa.s.sed through Smithfield (which is our princ.i.p.al cattle market) during the time of Bartholomew Fair; but you will now find it in a situation so different, that you would scarcely know it for the same place: you will now see it full of horse-jockeys, publicans, pugilists, and lads upon the lark like ourselves, who having no real business either in the purchase or sale of the commodities of the market, are watching the manners and manouvres of those who have."

As Tom was imparting this piece of information to his attentive Cousin, they were entering Smithfield by the way of Giltspur-street, and were met by a man having much the appearance of a drover, who by the dodging movements of his stick directly before their eyes, inspired our friends so strongly with the idea of some animal being behind them which they could not see, and from which danger was to be apprehended, that they suddenly broke from each other, and fled forward for safety, at which a roar of laughter ensued from the byestanders, who ~~217~~~ perceiving the hoax, recommended the dandies to take care they did not dirty their boots, or get near the hoofs of the _prancing prads_, Tom was not much disconcerted at this effort of practical jocularity, though his Cousin seemed to have but little relish for it.

"Come along," said Tom, catching him by the arm, and impelling him forward, "although this is not Bartholomew Fair time, you must consider all fair at the horse-fair, unless you are willing to put up with a horse-laugh."

Struggling through crowds who appeared to be buying, selling, or bargaining for the lame, the broken winded, and spavined prads of various sizes, prices, and pretensions,

"There is little difference," said Tom, "between this place as a market for horses, and any similar mart in the kingdom,

Here the friend and the brother Meet to humbug each other,

except that perhaps a little more refinement on the arts of gulling may be found; and it is no very uncommon thing for a stolen nag to be offered for sale in this market almost before the knowledge of his absence is ascertained by the legal owner.--I have already given you some information on the general character of horse-dealers during our visit to Tattersal's; but every species of trick and low chicanery is practised, of which numerous instances might be produced; and though I admit good horses are sometimes to be purchased here, it requires a man to be perfectly upon his guard as to who he deals with, and how he deals, although the regulations of the market are, generally speaking, good."

"I wouldn't have him at no price," said a costermonger, who it appeared was bargaining for a donkey; "the h------y sulkey b------ von't budge, he's not vorth a fig out of a horses------."

"I knows better as that 'are," cried a chimney-sweeper; "for no better an't no vare to be had; he's long backed and strong legged. Here, Bill, you get upon him, and give him rump steaks, and he'll run like the devil a'ter a parson."

Here Bill, a little blear-eyed chimney-sweeper, mounted the poor animal, and belaboured him most unmercifully, without producing any other effect than kicking up behind, and most effectually placing poor Bill in the

~~218~~~ mud, to the great discomfiture of the donkey seller, and the mirth of the spectators. The animal brayed, the byestanders laughed, and the bargain, like poor Bill, was off.

After a complete turn round Smithfield, hearing occasionally the chaffing of its visitants, and once or twice being nearly run over, they took their departure from this scene of bustle, bargaining, and confusion, taking their way down King-street, up Holborn Hill, and along Great Queen-street.

"Now," said Tom, "we will have a look in at Covent Garden Theatre; the Exile is produced there with great splendour. The piece is certainly got up in a style of the utmost magnificence, and maintains its ground in the theatre rather upon that score than its really interesting dialogue, though some of the scenes are well worked up, and have powerful claims upon approbation. The original has been altered, abridged, and (by some termed) amended, in order to introduce a gorgeous coronation, a popular species of entertainment lately."

Upon entering the theatre, Tallyho was almost riveted in attention to the performance, and the latter scene closed upon him with all its splendid pageantry before he discovered that his Cousin had given him the slip, and a das.h.i.+ng cyprian of the first order was seated at his elbow, with whom entering into a conversation, the minutes were not measured till Dashall's return, who perceiving he was engaged, appeared inclined to retire, and leave the cooing couple to their apparently agreeable tete-a-tete. Bob, however, observing him, immediately wished his fair incognita good night, and joined his Cousin.

"D------d dull," said Tom,--"all weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable."

"But very grand," rejoined Bob.

"I have found nothing to look at," replied Tom; "I have hunted every part of the House, and only seen two persons I know."

"And I," said Tallyho, "have been all the while looking at the piece."

"Which piece do you mean, the one beside you, or the one before you?"

"The performance--The Coronation."

"I have had so much of that," said Tom, "that finding you so close in attention to the stage, that I could get no ~~219~~~ opportunity of speaking to you, I have been hunting for other game, and have almost wearied myself in the pursuit without success; so that I am for quitting the premises, and making a call at a once celebrated place near at hand, which used to be called the Finish. Come along, therefore, unless you have 'mettle more attractive;' perhaps you have some engagements?"

"None upon earth to supersede the one I have with you," was the reply.

Upon which they left the House, and soon found themselves in Covent Garden Market. "This," said Tom, "has been the spot of many larks and sprees of almost all descriptions, ana election wit has been as cheap in the market as any of the vegetables of the venders; but I am going to take you to a small house that has in former times been the resort of the greatest wits of the age. Sheridan, Fox, and others of their time, have not disdained to be its inmates, nor is it now deserted by the votaries of genius, though considerably altered, and conducted in a different manner: it still, however, affords much amus.e.m.e.nt and accommodation. It was formerly well known by the appellation of the _Finish_, and was not opened till a late hour in the night, and, as at the present moment, is generally shut up between 11 and 12 o'clock, and re-opened for the accommodation of the market people at 4 in the morning. The most respectable persons resident in the neighbourhood a.s.semble to refresh themselves after the labours of the day with a gla.s.s of ale, spirits, or wine, as they draw no porter. The landlord is a pleasant fellow enough, and there is a pretty neat dressing young la.s.s in the bar, whom I believe to be his sister--this is the house."

"House," said Bob, "why this is a deviation from the customary buildings of London; it appears to have no up stairs rooms."

"Never mind that," continued Dashall, "there is room enough for us, I dare say; and after your visit to the Woolpack, I suppose you can stand smoke, if you can't stand fire."

By this time they had entered the Carpenter's Arms, when turning short round the bar, they found themselves in a small room, pretty well filled with company, enjoying their gla.s.ses, and puffing their pipes: in the right hand corner sat an undertaker, who having just obtained a victory over his opposite neighbour, was humming a stave ~~220~~~ to himself indicative of his satisfaction at the result of the contest, which it afterwards appeared was for two mighty's;{1} while his opponent was shrugging up his shoulders with a feeling of a very different kind.

"It's of no use," said Jemmy,{2} as they called him, "for you to enter the lists along with me, for you know very well I must have you at last."

"And no doubt it will prove a good fit," said an elderly shoemaker of respectable appearance, who seemed to command the reverence of the company, "for all of us are subject to the _pinch_."

"There's no certainty of his a.s.sertion, however," replied the unsuccessful opponent of Jemmy.

"Surely not,"{3} said another most emphatically, taking a pinch of snuff, and offering it to the shoemaker; "for you know Jemmy may come to the finch before John."