Jokes For All Occasions Part 63

_Small Bridesmaid_ (_loudly, in middle of ceremony_): "Mummie, are we all getting married?"

_Small Girl:_ "To-day's my mummy's wedding-day."

_Smaller Girl_ (_with air of superiority_): "_My_ mummy was married _years_ ago."

"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"

"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more yer does a bit o' work for it."

_Office Boy_ (_anxious to go to football match_): "May I have the afternoon off, Sir? My grand----"

_Employer:_ "Oh, yes, I've heard that before. Your grandmother died last week."

_Office Boy:_ "Yes, Sir; but--my grandfather's getting married again this afternoon."

_Minister's Wife:_ "My husband was asking only this morning why you weren't in the habit of attending church."

_Latest Inhabitant:_ "Well, you see, it does so cut into one's Sundays."

"Two mistakes here, waiter--one in your favor, one in mine."

"In _your_ favor, Sir? Where?"

_Mistress:_ "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."

_Cook:_ "You don't catch me crackin' no more nuts to-day. I've very near broke me jaw already."

_Gus.h.i.+ng Lady:_ "Yes, she's married to a lawyer, and a good honest fellow too."

_Cynic:_ "Bigamist!"

_Mother:_ "Augustus, you naughty boy, you've been smoking. Do you feel very bad, dear?"

_Augustus:_ "Thank you--I'm only dying."

_New Butler:_ "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"

_Profiteer:_ "What time do the best people dine?"

_New Butler:_ "At different times, Sir."

_Profiteer:_ "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."

_Fond Mamma:_ "I sometimes think, Percy, you don't treat your dear father with quite the proper respect."

_Young Hopeful_; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."

_Playful Hostess:_ "Couldn't you manage one more _eclair?_"

_Serious Little Boy:_ "No, fanks, I've no more room."

_Playful Hostess:_ "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would that help?"

_Serious Little Boy (after deep thought):_ "No, fanks, that would make the s.p.a.ce at the wrong end."

_Vicar's Wife:_ "What are you children doing in daddy's study?"

_Ethel:_ "It's a great secret, Mummy. We're giving daddy a new bible for his birthday."

_Vicar's Wife:_ "Oh--and what are you writing in it?"

_Ethel:_ "Well, you see, we thought we'd better copy what daddy's friends put in the books they give him, so we're writing, 'With the author's compliments.'"

THE OBSTACLE

_George:_ "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it hadn't been for something she said."

_Fred:_ "What did she say?"

_George:_ "No!"