Jokes For All Occasions Part 64

CHANGING THE SUBJECT

_She:_ "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk about myself all evening."

_He:_ "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better."

_She:_ "Very well, then! Suppose _you_ talk about me for a while."

"I say, Taxi, I've only got enough change to pay the exact fare. D'you mind taking a cheque for the tip?"

A CHANCE LOST

"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?"

"I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argument if he had said _which_ one."

_He:_ "I never knew until to-day that the Rev. Dr. Preachly married an actress."

_She:_ "Oh, yes! It is she who rehea.r.s.es him in those beautiful extempore sermons he preaches."

DURING THE QUARREL

_He:_ "But if you will allow me to----"

_She:_ "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistaken and I can prove it."

CONDITIONAL

_Eloping Bride:_ "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say when he gets our letter."

_Bridegroom:_ "It can't make any difference to our happiness, darling--so long as he doesn't _do_ it when we get back."

JUST IGNORANCE

_He_ (_dejectedly_): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't give their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel."

_She:_ "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies like they are to know anything about _love_?"

ALL IN ONE BREATH

_Wife:_ "I'm afraid you'll think me rather extravagant, dear, but I spent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine, and a box of soldiers, and some nine pins for Freddie's birthday. By the way, what are _you_ going to buy him?"

A YOUNG PHILOSOPHER

"Mamma!"

"What is it, dear?"

"It seems to me that a 'silly question' is something that you don't know the answer to."

FEMININITY

_Julia:_ "f.a.n.n.y married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me she has absolutely nothing to wish for."

_Gertrude:_ "Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to be in."

GETTING EVEN

_Mrs. Lynks:_ "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents every time you swear."

_Mr. Lynks:_ "That's a bargain, if you'll give me ten cents every time you envy me for being able to."

A SOOTHING EFFECT

"Do you miss your husband as much as when he first went away?"

"No, I am becoming reconciled. You see he sent me a power of attorney."

IN THAT CASE

_She:_ "When one is really thirsty, there is nothing so good as pure, cold water."

_He:_ "I guess I have never been really thirsty."