Jokes For All Occasions Part 65

A QUALIFIED STATEMENT

"Well! we've missed that confounded train. What time will the next one be here?"

"If the engine doesn't break down, and the track doesn't spread, and they don't run into any cows, and the up-freight isn't behind time, and the swing bridge isn't open, it ought to be here in about two hours."

_The Count:_ "I weesh to marry your daughtaire, saire! I am vorth one hundred thousand dollaire."

_The Millionaire:_ "But I thought you were a bankrupt."

_The Count:_ "I mean zat I am vorth zat moch _to you_."

"I suppose your landlord asks a lot for the rent of this place?"

"A lot! He asks me for it nearly every week."

_Mother_ (_to little girl who had been sent to the hen-house for eggs_): "Well, dear, were there no eggs?"

_Little Girl:_ "No, mummie, only the one the hens use for a pattern."

"It's funny that you should be so tall. Your brother, the artist, is short, isn't he?"

_He_ (_absently_): "Yes, usually."

_Urchin_ (_contemptuously_): "Huh! Yer mother takes in was.h.i.+n'!"

_Neighbor:_ "Well, yer didn't s'pose she'd leave it hangin' aht overnight unless your farver was in prison, did yer?"

HIS SPHERE

"His versatility is something extraordinary."

"I had an idea he was rather stupid."

"That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kinds of a fool of himself."

_Poetic Bridegroom:_ "I could sit here forever, gazing into your eyes, and listening to the wash of the ocean."

_Practical Bride:_ "Oh! That reminds me, darling, we have not paid our laundry bill yet."

A LOVERS' QUARREL

_George:_ "Why don't Jack and Laura make up?"

_Kate:_ "'s.h.!.+ They'd like to, but unfortunately they can't remember what they quarreled about."

A DREADFUL POSSIBILITY

_Elsie:_ "When is my birthday, Mother?"

_Her Mother:_ "On the thirty-first of this month, dear."

_Elsie:_ "Oh! Mother! Supposing this month had had only thirty days, where would I have been?"

GETTING RECKLESS

_She:_ "I'm surprised at Jane's staying out in the boat all this time with a comparative stranger. A woman of thirty is old enough to know better."

_He:_ "Aren't you afraid she is _too old_ to know better?"

"I shall never find anyone else like you. You see, you're so different from other girls."

"Oh, but you'll find lots of other girls different from other girls."

RETROACTIVE

"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself."

"But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hating myself."

_Pupil:_ "What I want to know is, am I a ba.s.s or a baritone?"

_Teacher:_ "No--you're not."