Jokes For All Occasions Part 67

_The Mistress:_ "Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent those flowers I would have returned them unopened."

_The Maid:_ "Shure, Miss, couldn't ye take a few out, and sind the rist back unopened?"

ENCOURAGING

_He:_ "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of hope before I leave you forever?"

_She:_ "Er--that clock is half an hour fast."

AN ALIAS

_Miss Hen:_ "I demand an explanation! You told me that your name was plain 'Mr. Rooster,' and that poet just now addressed you as 'Chanticleer'!"

_Lady_ (_to prospective daily housemaid_): "The hours will be from nine to six-thirty, with an hour and a half off for dinner."

_D. H.:_ "For _luncheon_, I suppose you mean. And I should have to leave at six, as I always dine at my club and have to dress first."

CHANGING PLACES

"They say that she was his stenographer before marriage."

"She has evidently reversed the order of things."

"How so?"

"_She_ does the dictating now."

ECONOMY

_Young Husband:_ "I see that sugar has gone down two points."

_Young Wife:_ "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then."

_Best Man_ (_seeing couple off on honeymoon_): "Here you are--just a few magazines to help pa.s.s away the time."

_Hostess_ (_to small guest, who is casting lingering glances at the cakes_): "I don't think you can eat any more of those cakes, can you, John?"

_John:_ "No, I don't think I can. But may I stroke them?"

_Mr. Househunter:_ "I don't care for those flats we looked at to-day.

The rooms are too narrow, and the ceilings are too low."

_Mrs. Househunter:_ "But they are cheap, dear; and you and I are neither very wide nor very high."

QUALIFIED

_The Leading Woman:_ "How does Garrette rank as an actor?"

_The Comedian:_ "He doesn't--he is."

CLAIMING ACQUAINTANCE

_Chimmie:_ "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight--me cousin used ter go ter school wid'm."

_Billie:_ "Dat ain't nuthin'--me brudder had t'ree front teet' knocked out by'm onct."

FROM THE HEART

_The Wife:_ "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of the weather."

_The Husband:_ "Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up the fas.h.i.+on will have changed."

_The Reporter:_ "I beg pardon, but would you be kind enough to tell me what blow you will knock Fitzmuggins out with to-morrow night?"

_Sledge-hammer Mike:_ "De solar plexus."

_The Reporter:_ "And er--if you get beaten, what will your--er--weak spot have been?"

AN ARGUMENT

"This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense."