The Ethical Slut Part 11

Group s.e.x Etiquette We know they didn't teach you in school how to behave at an orgy, and we bet your mother didn't teach you either.

There is a particular etiquette needed for public s.e.x environments, since everyone in them has let down some of their customary boundaries in order to get closer to each other. Social boundaries usually serve the purpose of keeping people at a predictable distance, so we all feel safe in our own personal s.p.a.ce. Group s.e.x poses the challenge of figuring out how to feel safe and comfy while getting up close and very intimate with a whole bunch of presumably nice, s.e.xy people- so new boundaries must be developed, learned and respected, or no one will feel safe enough to play.

Many party houses show you a list of rules as you come in, or post them on the wall. Read them. They will make sense. Most places specify the level of safer s.e.x precautions they require, and provide condoms, rubber gloves, lubricants, dental dams, and so on. Even if you and your partner are fluid-bonded, you may be asked, or feel it is polite, to use latex barriers in a public environment. Ethical s.l.u.ts obey the rules of the parties they choose to attend.

Responsible voyeurism is a must. You may watch what people do in public places, but always from a respectful distance. If the partic.i.p.ants are aware of your presence, you are too close. Whether or not it is okay to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e while watching varies from place to place, but it's always polite to keep your own excitement discreet enough that you dont distract the good folks who are putting on such a nice show they are probably not actually doing it for you, anyway. Also be aware that when you are close to people who are playing, they can hear you -this is not an appropriate place to tell your friend all about how awful your boss is, or your recent experiences at the proctologist.

The boundary between social talk s.p.a.ce and play s.p.a.ce is very important- when you enter play s.p.a.ce, you enter into a different state of consciousness that tends to get you out of your intellect and into your body very quickly. Too much talking in play s.p.a.ce can yank you back into everyday, verbal, nons.e.xual awareness.

Cruising is active, but must not be intrusive. Ideally, a respectful request receives a respectful response, which means it's okay to ask, and if the answer is "no, thank you," that has to be okay too.

Remember, people who come to orgies are pretty sophisticated, and they are here because they know what they want. And if that person you found attractive doesn't want to play with you right now, that's okay, take it easy and find someone else.

Cruising at group s.e.x parties is not that different from elsewhere, although perhaps more honest and to the point. Usually, you start with introducing yourself as a person: "Hi, I'm d.i.c.k, what's your name?" is way preferable to "Hi, do you like my big d.i.c.k?" People will talk for a bit, flirt a little, and then ask quite directly "Would you like to play with me?" When the answer is yes, negotiation follows: "What do you like to do? Is there anything you dont like? Let's check that we both mean the same thing by safer s.e.x, and by the way, I have this fantasy..."

non-verbal communication Cruising by body language also can work, as long as you are willing to be relaxed about any misunderstandings that may arise. We believe that it is important to learn how to put what you want into words, so you have an option for absolutely clear communication. Then you can pursue nonverbal cruising if you like it, knowing your good communication skills will back you up if you need them.

Body language is about catching someone's eye, exchanging a smile, moving your body closer- always checking the response. If you catch his eye and he turns his back, well, there's your answer. If you move into her personal s.p.a.ce and she moves closer, there's another answer.

It helps to initiate touch on a relatively neutral part of the body -a shoulder, a hand- and again, does the person move away, or closer? If he freezes, it's probably a good idea to communicate with words.

gender differences We live in a society where people learn some pretty warped ideas about s.e.x. Women learn that they are not supposed to be s.e.xual without falling in love, men learn that s.e.x is a commodity that you get from a woman, men may even believe that women themselves are commodities.

Group s.e.x only works when everybody is acknowledged as a person. n.o.body likes being treated like a thing. To avoid such problems, most group s.e.x environments that include both men and women restrict the number of single men who are invited, or insist that no man is welcome without a female escort. This is a sad last resort for dealing with an unpleasant reality, and we quite agree that it is unfair that men of good will get penalized for the intrusive behavior of men who evidently dont know any better. But that's how it is, and the only way we are going to change it is to work on our own behavior and teach our brothers what we learn. Cruising is different by gender, and those differences become very visible when you compare gay men's environments to lesbian orgies, and see how they are similar and different to hetero or bis.e.xual groups. Gay men seem to feel safer with anonymous s.e.x, and gay male cruising at baths or clubs is often nonverbal. One man might catch another's eye, smile, walk across the room, touch a shoulder and then embrace, with little or no verbal communication. Lesbians are more cautious, and tend to talk a great deal before moving into the playroom and actually getting down.

Women in all group s.e.x environments tend to be less open than men to anonymous s.e.x, and to prefer some communication and personal connection first. Perhaps this is because women have had serious reasons to feel less than safe around s.e.x with strangers, and need some rea.s.surance that this is a safe person to play with. There are no rights and wrongs to this situation, or what wrong there is exists in our history, which we can't very well change. What is important is that everyone, male, female or transgendered, straight, bi or gay, has a right to feel safe in order to get free to enjoy s.e.x.

establis.h.i.+ng consent Consent is an absolute requirement. Naive people sometimes a.s.sume that when two or three or four people are already having s.e.x, it is okay to just join in and start fondling somebody. Well, it isn't, because you didn't ask, and because you dont know what these people want, or what their limits are. So you might do the wrong thing, and the people you tried to join will have to stop whatever they are having so much fun doing to deal with you, and then they will be justifiably angry. At you. And how are you going to get consent from people in the middle of a hot f.u.c.k? Tap them on the shoulder and say, "Will you please stop a moment so I can ask if I can join you?" There is just about no way to join a s.e.xual scene that has already started unless you are already lovers with all the people involved, and even then you should be careful. Respect for boundaries, as we have said before, is mandatory if everyone is going to feel safe enough to play freely and without constraint. Don't be the person who makes the environment unsafe.

If you are playing at a party and someone invades your s.p.a.ce, you are quite right to tell them to move away. It is also appropriate to let your host know about intrusive people and pushy come-ons -party hosts develop skills to talk with people about appropriate behavior, explain why the etiquette is as it is, and if the person will not learn, the host has the power to remove that person from the guest list.

watch your expectations Most people approach their first group s.e.x party with a virtual brainstorm of fears, fantasies and wild expectations about what might, or worse yet, might not happen. We strongly recommend that you get a grip on yourself, acknowledge that you actually dont know what is going to happen, and go to the party with the expectation that you will be proud of yourself if you manage to walk in the door. If you stay for an hour and watch, you get a gold star. If you manage to introduce yourself to someone and hold a conversation, give yourself a medal of honor.

Going to an orgy is very challenging. Expect to be nervous. Expect to worry. Expect a fas.h.i.+on crisis, and allow at least two hours to get dressed. Many parties specify when doors are open, and close them at eleven or so, because otherwise all these nervous people will arrive after midnight, having finally decided to wear something, and too late to warm up for play before the party is over. So be easy on yourself.

Dress to look good and be comfortable- it's bad enough to have your stomach churning, you dont need your shoes pinching. Go with the goal of making a few acquaintances and getting familiar with the scene and your reactions to it. If you do get inspired to play, and find someone who wants to play with you, that's fine, and if you dont, that's fine too.

COUPLES AT THE ORGY.

Deal with your relations.h.i.+p before you go to the party. This is important. Are you going as a couple, to show off your incredible s.e.xiness? Are you cruising for thirds and fourths? Or are you going as two separate individuals, to meet people and share s.e.x with them? If one of you connects with a hot number, is the other welcome to join in?

Do you need your partner's agreement before you play with anyone? Are you committed to going home together, or is it okay for one or the other of you to sleep out, and if both want to, what about the babysitter? The reason you decide all this in advance is that it is way too embarra.s.sing to have a disagreement about this sort of thing in public, so if you do disagree, you are likely to get really angry and make a big unhappy mess.

Two friends of ours got locked in a disagreement about going to s.e.x parties. They both wanted to go, but one wanted to go and play with the other, and the other wanted to play the field. What to do? Well, there are parties at least once a month around here, so they decided to go one month as a couple to do things together, and the next to support each other in separate and seriously intense cruising.

We like to watch couples make love with each other at parties -you can see the intimacy, and how well they know each other's ways, how beautifully they fit together, how exquisitely orchestrated a s.e.xual scene that has already started unless you are already lovers with all the people involved, and even then you should be careful. Respect for boundaries, as we have said before, is mandatory if everyone is going to feel safe enough to play freely and without constraint. Don't be the person who makes the environment unsafe.

If you are playing at a party and someone invades your s.p.a.ce, you are quite right to tell them to move away. It is also appropriate to let your host know about intrusive people and pushy come-ons -party hosts develop skills to talk with people about appropriate behavior, explain why the etiquette is as it is, and if the person will not learn, the host has the power to remove that person from the guest list.

watch your expectations Most people approach their first group s.e.x party with a virtual brainstorm of fears, fantasies and wild expectations about what might, or worse yet, might not happen. We strongly recommend that you get a grip on yourself, acknowledge that you actually dont know what is going to happen, and go to the party with the expectation that you will be proud of yourself if you manage to walk in the door. If you stay for an hour and watch, you get a gold star. If you manage to introduce yourself to someone and hold a conversation, give yourself a medal of honor.

Going to an orgy is very challenging. Expect to be nervous. Expect to worry. Expect a fas.h.i.+on crisis, and allow at least two hours to get dressed. Many parties specify when doors are open, and close them at eleven or so, because otherwise all these nervous people will arrive after midnight, having finally decided to wear something, and too late to warm up for play before the party is over. So be easy on yourself.

Dress to look good and be comfortable it's bad enough to have your stomach churning, you dont need your shoes pinching. Go with the goal of making a few acquaintances and getting familiar with the scene and your reactions to it. If you do get inspired to play, and find someone who wants to play with you, that's fine, and if you dont, that's fine too.

COUPLES AT THE ORGY.

Deal with your relations.h.i.+p before you go to the party. This is important. Are you going as a couple, to show off your incredible s.e.xiness? Are you cruising for thirds and fourths? Or are you going as two separate individuals, to meet people and share s.e.x with them? If one of you connects with a hot number, is the other welcome to join in?

Do you need your partner's agreement before you play with anyone? Are you committed to going home together, or is it okay for one or the other of you to sleep out, and if both want to, what about the babysitter? The reason you decide all this in advance is that it is way too embarra.s.sing to have a disagreement about this sort of thing in public, so if you do disagree, you are likely to get really angry and make a big unhappy mess.

Two friends of ours got locked in a disagreement about going to s.e.x parties. They both wanted to go, but one wanted to go and play with the other, and the other wanted to play the field. What to do? Well, there are parties at least once a month around here, so they decided to go one month as a couple to do things together, and the next to support each other in separate and seriously intense cruising.

We like to watch couples make love with each other at parties -you can see the intimacy, and how well they know each other's ways, how beautifully they fit together, how exquisitely orchestrated lovemaking can become with years of practice. We like it as a fine experience for the voyeur, and because we can learn a lot from watching people who are experts on each other. We like to point out that showing off this wondrous beauty is also excellent advertising for the next time when you come to the party ready to welcome new partners.

Play parties can also offer you the opportunity to process fears and jealousies about your partner. How does it feel to watch your partner make love with another person? Is it really awful? You might be surprised to find yourself feeling pretty neutral, like "Gee, I thought that would bother me but actually it doesn't!" You might like the chance to observe your lover, how powerful she looks when she thrusts, how sweet he looks when he comes. It might even turn you on. Some couples find that group s.e.x can rev up their s.e.x life at home, by providing a lot of stimulus, new ideas to try out, and the motivation and energy to make your life at home as hot as an orgy.

b.u.t.tons and biases Expect to get b.u.t.tons pushed. Expect to discover your biases. At a group s.e.x party you will share unprecedented intimacy with a bunch of strangers, and sometimes that will be difficult. You might start into a three way with your girlfriend and another man, which seems like a hot idea but might turn out to push some b.u.t.tons. Yeah, we know, you set out to both make love to her, but there you are, with another man, being s.e.xual, and probably in physical contact, and how does that feel?

We like to attend pan s.e.xual group s.e.x parties, which means that attendees may identify as gay or lesbian or bis.e.xual or hetero or transgendered, but are generally comfortable and happy to play side by-side with people whose desires may be entirely different than their own. We are always running into issues about the unfamiliar: the lesbian who has never been naked in the presence of men, much less gotten f.u.c.ked; the gay man who fears judgment from women, or violence from straight men; the transgendered woman who gets to wonder if that person who is so attracted to her knows what she's got under her skirt, and does she care, and if she cares what is she going to do?

Whatever your prejudices are- the people at this party are too old, too young, too male, too female, too queer, too straight, too fat, too thin, too white, too ethnic, whatever- it really is good for you to learn to get bigger than your biases.

everything embarra.s.sing you never thought of doing in public In our fantasies, we all come together as smoothly as Fred and Ginger, carried away by the music on a rising tide of pa.s.sion- and sometimes it will be like that. But you probably will need to practice first, just like Fred and Ginger. Your erection might refuse to cooperate as you near the moment of truth, especially when you suddenly remember you need to put a condom on it. o.r.g.a.s.m might be more difficult to focus on in a noisy environment with an unfamiliar partner are you going to fake one? What if you set out to play with someone and you can't find your turn-on?

A young roommate of Dossie's once wound up in bed with both her current and her previous lover in an unplanned episode of l.u.s.t run amok.

Courtesy of inadequate soundproofing and a good imagination, Dossie knew what was going on and was wondering how they were doing when Kenny, the current boyfriend, staggered into the kitchen. "Dossie," he pleaded, "I dont know what to do! Help!" She said, "Don't forget to breathe, this is not a contest, this is about doing what feels good."

He muttered it like a mantra, "Breathe, no contest, feel good, breathe, no contest..." squared his shoulders and gamely returned to the fray.

So if you find yourself internally panicking, we encourage you to breathe. Slow down. Remember that this is not a race, and you are not in a hurry. This is also not the Olympics, you have nothing to prove you and your new friend are setting out to do things that feel good with your bodies. Touch feels good. Stroking feels good. Taking time feels good. Slow down enough so that you can truly feel what you are doing. Worrying about the future will not help you get there: focus on what you are feeling in the present. Erections and o.r.g.a.s.ms might come, might go, but you can never go wrong by doing what feels good.

The noise and hectic energy of a party can lead people to rush when slowing down is the best way to connect with your turn-on. People dont get turned on by magic, at least not very often, or very reliably. And different people are turned on in very different ways. A very important kind of self-knowledge will come in handy at these times: know what turns you on. Whether it's biting on the neck or sucking on the backs of knees, when you know what gets your juices flowing you can ask for it, and then your play partner will know what turns you on, and feel freer to tell you what turns her or him on, and before you know it there you all are, completely turned on and floating down the river of unbridled l.u.s.t.

CONCLUSION: A s.l.u.t UTOPIA.

paradigms and pluralism Earlier in this book, we discussed the paradigms on which our relations.h.i.+ps, and our beliefs about our relations.h.i.+ps, are based. We also talked about the ways in which our vision is limited by the prevailing beliefs of our culture, and the ways in which those limits can prevent us from expanding our s.e.xuality, our lifestyle, our families and our love.

Monism is the belief that all processes, structures and relations.h.i.+ps can be reduced to a single element, that everything can eventually be explained by one governing principle13. When we ask a question, we often a.s.sume that there must be only one answer, and thus that if there's more than one answer then our task is not finished and our question not really answered. This is monist thinking. When we look at how we run our relations.h.i.+ps and families, for example, monism leads us to believe that there is some single best way, some ideal marriage, and our goal is to get as close to that ideal as possible. Monism leads us to believe that all possibilities can be ranked on a hierarchy like in the old Sears catalog- good, better, best- and that only the best one counts. When we constantly compare our lives and our selves to a single ideal, and take off points for any way in which we differ from that ideal, we discount ourselves constantly, and we never discover our true value.

good." He muttered it like a mantra, "Breathe, no contest, feel good, breathe, no contest..." squared his shoulders and gamely returned to the fray.

So if you find yourself internally panicking, we encourage you to breathe. Slow down. Remember that this is not a race, and you are not in a hurry. This is also not the Olympics, you have nothing to prove you and your new friend are setting out to do things that feel good with your bodies. Touch feels good. Stroking feels good. Taking time feels good. Slow down enough so that you can truly feel what you are doing. Worrying about the future will not help you get there: focus on what you are feeling in the present. Erections and o.r.g.a.s.ms might come, might go, but you can never go wrong by doing what feels good.

The noise and hectic energy of a party can lead people to rush when slowing down is the best way to connect with your turn-on. People dont get turned on by magic, at least not very often, or very reliably. And different people are turned on in very different ways. A very important kind of self-knowledge will come in handy at these times: know what turns you on. Whether it's biting on the neck or sucking on the backs of knees, when you know what gets your juices flowing you can ask for it, and then your play partner will know what turns you on, and feel freer to tell you what turns her or him on, and before you know it there you all are, completely turned on and floating down the river of unbridled l.u.s.t.

CONCLUSION: A s.l.u.t UTOPIA.

paradigms and pluralism Earlier in this book, we discussed the paradigms on which our relations.h.i.+ps, and our beliefs about our relations.h.i.+ps, are based. We also talked about the ways in which our vision is limited by the prevailing beliefs of our culture, and the ways in which those limits can prevent us from expanding our s.e.xuality, our lifestyle, our families and our love.

Monism is the belief that all processes, structures and relations.h.i.+ps can be reduced to a single element, that everything can eventually be explained by one governing principle13. When we ask a question, we often a.s.sume that there must be only one answer, and thus that if there's more than one answer then our task is not finished and our question not really answered. This is monist thinking. When we look at how we run our relations.h.i.+ps and families, for example, monism leads us to believe that there is some single best way, some ideal marriage, and our goal is to get as close to that ideal as possible. Monism leads us to believe that all possibilities can be ranked on a hierarchy like in the old Sears catalog- good, better, best- and that only the best one counts. When we constantly compare our lives and our selves to a single ideal, and take off points for any way in which we differ from that ideal, we discount ourselves constantly, and we never discover our true value.

Dualism is the theory that everything comes in pairs, like mind and body, black and white, or, as computers would have it, 0 and 1.

Dualists describe the world in terms of divisions, of barriers: between mind and body, man and women, straight and gay, good and bad. We often imagine that these pairs are opposed, like good and evil. Dualistic thinking in the form of adversarialism dominates our courts, our politics and our talk shows, with some crazy results: for instance, some people believe that anyone who enjoys s.e.x outside of marriage must be attacking traditional ways of relating; our president has signed the "Defense of Marriage Act." Anything that is different must be opposed, must be the enemy.

Dualism may lead to the belief that you can't love more than one person, or that you can't love in different ways, or that you have a finite capacity for love that "many" must somehow be opposed to "one,"

or that your only options are "in love" and "out of love," with no allowance for different degrees or kinds of love.

Pluralism is the open-ended view, the multi-valued system, that refuses the intellectual simplification of reducing everything down to one or two, and insists on seeing, and valuing, everything that there is. To the pluralist, all existence, and certainly each single person's life, is important- so there can be as many ways to be s.e.xual as there are to be human, and all of them valid. There are lots of ways to relate, to love, to express gender, to form families, to be in the world, to be human. And all of those ways are wonderful.

In order to unlearn monogamy and liberate our s.e.xuality, we need to uproot the arbitrary limitations to our thinking and seeing that have been imposed on our minds by previous philosophies. When we manage to get bigger than our programmed judgments, we become able to see beyond: beyond worrying about how do we look, how's our performance, our partner's performance, our fantasy of our partner's other lover's performance, all our beliefs that we are not really okay. When we learn to transcend those conditioned responses that limit our actions, our thinking and our very awareness, we can free ourselves to be fully conscious of all the wonderful variety and diversity that there is right now in the world, right here, in the present, available to us.

Thus pluralism and s.l.u.t hood can become a path to transcendence, a freeing of the mind and spirit as well as the body, a way of being in the world that allows expanded awareness, spiritual growth and- not incidentally- really good s.e.x.

s.l.u.t utopia We believe that when we examine the issues that limit our relations.h.i.+ps and our understanding of how we might be, we are essentially planning for a society that is appropriate to the way many people live today that meets our need for change and growth while it feeds our fundamental desire for belonging and family.

We believe that monogamy will continue to thrive as it always has, a perfectly valid choice for those who truly choose it. We dont think it's much of a choice when you are forbidden to choose anything else.

We want to open our vision to accommodate monogamy as well as a plethora of other options- to plan for family and social structures that have growing room, that will continue to stretch and adapt, that we can fit to our needs into the future. We believe that new forms of families are evolving now, and will continue to evolve, not to supplant the nuclear family but to supplement it with an abundance of additional ideas about how you might choose to structure your family. We want to create a whole world of choices for s.e.x and love, for family and community. We want to set you free to invent the society you want to live in.

Our vision of Utopia has free love, in all its forms, as the foundation of our beliefs about reality, about possibility, about staying in the moment and planning the future. We believe that s.e.xual freedom helps us to see our lives as they really are, with the honesty to perceive ourselves clearly and the fluidity to let us move onward as our needs alter, as a changing and growing self with changing and growing partners in a changing and growing world.

We see ethical s.l.u.t hood leading us to a world where we respect and honor each individual's boundaries more than we honor any preconceived set of rules about how their boundaries ought to be.

And in expanding our s.e.xual lives, we foresee the development of an advanced s.e.xuality, where we can become both more natural and more human. s.e.x really is a physical expression of a whole lot of stuff that has no physical existence: love and joy, deep emotion, intense closeness, profound connection, spiritual awareness, incredibly good feelings, sometimes even ecstasy. In our Utopia, intellect is not a trap that we get stuck in, but an honored tool we use to discover and access all the parts of ourselves, and give form to our experience. We free our animal selves by opening our intellects to awareness of our bodies, and when we are no longer stuck in our intellects we become more like spirit: intuitive, experiencing the joy of life for the simple sake of experiencing, in communion with ourselves, with each other, and beyond.

OUR FAVORITE s.e.x FANTASY: s.e.xUAL ABUNDANCE.

We want everyone to be free to express love in every possible way. We want to create a world where everyone has plenty of what they need: of community, of connection, of touch and s.e.x and love. We want our children to be raised in an expanded family, a connected village within urban alienation, where there are enough adults who love them and each other, so that there is plenty of love and attention and nurturance, more than enough to go around. We want a world where the sick and aging are cared for by people who love them, where resources are shared by people who care about each other.

We dream of a world where no one is driven by desires they have no hope of fulfilling, where no one suffers from shame for their desires, or embarra.s.sment about their dreams, where no one is starving from the lack of s.e.x. We dream of a world where no one is limited by rules that dictate that they must be less of a person, and less of a s.e.xual person, than they have the capacity to be.

We dream of a world where n.o.body gets to vote on your life choices, or who you choose to love, or how you choose to express that love, except yourself and your lovers. We dream of a time and a place where we will all be free to publicly declare our love, for whoever we love, however we love them.

And may we all look forward to a lifetime of dreams come true.

whole world of choices for s.e.x and love, for family and community. We want to set you free to invent the society you want to live in.

Our vision of Utopia has free love, in all its forms, as the foundation of our beliefs about reality, about possibility, about staying in the moment and planning the future. We believe that s.e.xual freedom helps us to see our lives as they really are, with the honesty to perceive ourselves clearly and the fluidity to let us move onward as our needs alter, as a changing and growing self with changing and growing partners in a changing and growing world.

We see ethical s.l.u.t hood leading us to a world where we respect and honor each individual's boundaries more than we honor any preconceived set of rules about how their boundaries ought to be.

And in expanding our s.e.xual lives, we foresee the development of an advanced s.e.xuality, where we can become both more natural and more human. s.e.x really is a physical expression of a whole lot of stuff that has no physical existence: love and joy, deep emotion, intense closeness, profound connection, spiritual awareness, incredibly good feelings, sometimes even ecstasy. In our Utopia, intellect is not a trap that we get stuck in, but an honored tool we use to discover and access all the parts of ourselves, and give form to our experience. We free our animal selves by opening our intellects to awareness of our bodies, and when we are no longer stuck in our intellects we become more like spirit: intuitive, experiencing the joy of life for the simple sake of experiencing, in communion with ourselves, with each other, and beyond.

OUR FAVORITE s.e.x FANTASY! s.e.xUAL ABUNDANCE.

We want everyone to be free to express love in every possible way. We want to create a world where everyone has plenty of what they need: of community, of connection, of touch and s.e.x and love. We want our children to be raised in an expanded family, a connected village within urban alienation, where there are enough adults who love them and each other, so that there is plenty of love and attention and nurturance, more than enough to go around. We want a world where the sick and aging are cared for by people who love them, where resources are shared by people who care about each other.

We dream of a world where no one is driven by desires they have no hope of fulfilling, where no one suffers from shame for their desires, or embarra.s.sment about their dreams, where no one is starving from the lack of s.e.x. We dream of a world where no one is limited by rules that dictate that they must be less of a person, and less of a s.e.xual person, than they have the capacity to be.

We dream of a world where n.o.body gets to vote on your life choices, or who you choose to love, or how you choose to express that love, except yourself and your lovers. We dream of a time and a place where we will all be free to publicly declare our love, for whoever we love, however we love them.

And may we all look forward to a lifetime of dreams come true.

Chapter Notes.

1 Edna St. Vincent Millay, Collected Poems. Harper & Row, NY, no date. Edna is also responsible for another s.l.u.t favorite: "My candle burns at both ends It will not last the night. But ah my foes and oh my friends It makes a lovely light."

2 Warden B. Pomeroy, Dr. Kinsey and the Inst.i.tute for s.e.x Research.

Harper & Row Publishers, New York, 1973. Page 316.

3 Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice. New American Library, 1988.

4 Sigmund Freud, Three Contributions to the Theory of s.e.x, E.P.

Dutton & Co." Inc." New York, 1962 (orig. 1905), p. 51.

5 Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt, The Bottoming Book: Or. How To Get Terrible Things Done To You By Wonderful People, Greenery Press, San Francisco, 1994.

6 Wilhelm Reich, s.e.x/Pol. Random House, New York, 1966.

Throughout these essays, and in The Ma.s.s Psychology of Fascism, Reich develops a sophisticated a.n.a.lysis of the role of s.e.xual repression in enforcing obedience to authority in cla.s.sist, capitalist and fascist societies.

7 James Ramey, Ph.D." Intimate Friends.h.i.+ps, Prentice Hall, Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey, 1976.

8 William H. Masters, M.D." & Virginia E. Johnson, Human s.e.xual Response. Little, Brown & Co." Boston, 1966, pps. 198-201.

9 see Bernard Zilbergeld, Ph.D." The New Male s.e.xuality. Bantam Books, New York, 1992, and Lonme Barbach, Ph.D.: For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female s.e.xuality. New American Library, New York, 1991.

10 Neil Young, "Love Is a Rose," Silver Fiddle, 1975 11 Kahlil Ghibran, The Prophet. Alfred A. Knopf, New York, 1968, p.

12 Adapted from How to Talk So Kids Wil Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish, Avon Books, New York, 13 Random House Dictionary of the English Language. Unabridged, Random House, New York, 1971, p. 925.

BIBLIOGRAPHY.

Dr. Deborah M. Anapol, Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits. IntiNet Resource Center, San Rafael, CA, 1997.

Dr. George R. Bach and Peter Wyden: The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair In Love and Marriage. Avon Books, New York, 1968.