The Ethical Slut Part 10

What kind of relations.h.i.+p do you want? Do you want someone with whom you can buy a house and raise a family? Someone you can meet once a year for a hot and heavy weekend of role-playing fun? Or "Ms. Right Now"? Knowing what you want up front can prevent a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings later.

Ethical s.l.u.ts do not tell potential sweeties that they're looking for a life partner when, in fact, they're looking to get laid tonight.

Similarly, it's dishonest to swear that all you want is to have a little fun when, in fact, you're mentally measuring him for a tuxedo.

If you're worried that n.o.body could possibly want what you have to offer, dont be so sure. While it may be harder to find someone who wants to be a secondary partner, or a role-play buddy, or the mother of your children, it is certainly possible- in fact, there are undoubtedly at least a few people out there who are looking for just such a situation.

Trick versus partner is not an either/or situation: there are many, many ways to relate that lie between a one-night stand and marriage.

You may not know in advance what kind of relations.h.i.+p will develop with the person who intrigues you tonight, and that person may not fit whatever hole in your life you were looking to fill. Taking people as they come, how they are, here and today, can lead you to wonderful surprises that more than make up for the occasional disappointment. So watch out for your preconceptions, and be ready to approach new people with an open mind and an open heart.

Of course, situations do change. Someone you thought was just an occasional playmate may evolve into a much more important figure in your personal landscape. When this happens- and it has happened to both of us- it is important to keep that person, and anyone else involved, thoroughly briefed on the emotional s.h.i.+fts you're experiencing. It may be that he is feeling the same way toward you, and, Louie, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friends.h.i.+p. On the other hand, he may not. Or he may just not be in a place in his life where a deep emotional commitment is right for him. In any case, treat this changed relations.h.i.+p as though it were a brand-new one- in a way, it is. It may be that the two of you can go on playing in your original, casual manner, or you may have to part for a while to maintain your equilibrium.

where?

Where do s.l.u.ts gather? What are your best-bet venues for finding the bed mate, playmate or life mate of your dreams?

Our experience has been that people who are open enough to talk about s.e.xuality may be more interested in other forms of openness, or at least able to hear your desires with respect. So groups, clubs or newspapers organized around s.e.xuality- s.e.xual minorities, group s.e.x, s.e.x education might be good places to look for kindred spirits.

Additionally, we've found that ethical s.l.u.ts often enjoy exploring alternative realities (perhaps as novelty-seeking behavior?}. Try your local Society for Creative Anachronism, historical re-enactment group (the Renaissance Faire here in Northern California is practically a s.l.u.ts' trade conference), science fiction conference or role-playing game group.

Another good place to look might be in workshops, seminars and gatherings that have to do with human s.e.xuality or intimacy. While cruising is, understandably, not allowed at some of these activities (people baring their souls are doing difficult work that can be disturbed by having to be on guard against unwanted advances), "graduates" often go on meeting socially long after the actual session is over. There are also several regional and national conferences about s.e.xuality and intimacy, and these are attended by many kindred s.l.u.tty spirits.

In many of the Internet's s.e.xuality and s.e.xual orientation groups, polyamorists are the majority. In addition to alt. polyamory a forum devoted exclusively to discussion of the topic, you can find friends in other Usenet news groups private mailing lists, and specialized groups sponsored by Internet service providers. Local adult-oriented computer bulletin boards in many communities are also frequented by a fair number of s.l.u.ts. Some of these groups allow personal advertising, and some sponsor face-to-face get-tog ethers Do be a bit careful, though: as the New Yorker cartoon, showing a mutt happily typing on a keyboard, has it, "On the Internet n.o.body knows you're a dog." Many people enjoy using the anonymity of the computer screen to experiment with alternate personae, so the 20-year-old ma.s.seuse you've been corresponding with may in fact be a 50-year-old truck driver, and the delightfully imaginative s.l.u.t may in real life be a prude seeking t.i.tillation.

Still, Catherine (an Internet addict) has found many friends and lovers on the computer, as have countless others of our friends.

You can also cruise the ads in your local newspaper. Modern personal ads usually operate by voice mail you call a number, hear a recorded message and get an opportunity to record a message of your own, and your phone bill will reflect a per-minute charge for the service. You can answer ads, or put in an ad of your own, or both. Some people run several ads at the same time.

It is customary to get to know people you meet through the Internet or ads in stages, starting with a phone conversation, and then perhaps a date for coffee or dinner, so that you actually get to know the person before you are expected to decide whether or not you want to share s.e.x with them.

Cruising the ads and the Internet are both successful strategies for meeting people. We know of many fine times, and many long-term relations.h.i.+ps, that started with a few words in a paper or on a screen.

How?

What do you do once you're face-to-face with a potential playmate?

Civilized cruising is a fine art, and one that few people develop overnight. s.e.x roles make it even harder. Men in this culture are taught to push, to insist, never to take "no" for an answer; women are taught to be coy, to refuse, never to offer an outright "yes." And the more polarized we get in this silly equation, the further we push one another away- with results that range from hurt feelings to date rape.

The good news, though, is that both sets of behavior can be unlearned, and that the more we unlearn them, the less there is to unlearn. When both genders feel free to answer "yes" or "no" with no concern for anything but their own desires, a truer understanding, and a more positive s.e.xuality, can be achieved.

Dossie tells the story of a woman friend of hers back in the '70s who, as an experiment, sat patiently in a singles' bar one night, being approached by many men, until finally one to whom she felt attracted came along and began to flirt. She asked him nicely if he would like to come back to her place and f.u.c.k. He swallowed his ice. It took the poor fellow a couple of minutes before he could talk coherently again, and when they actually got to her place he found himself impotent.

That's how deeply ingrained some of these cultural stereotypes can be.

"No."

s.e.xual sophisticates tend to give each other a lot of credit for knowing what they want. With this a.s.sumption, it becomes easier for your potential partner to make outrageous proposals, because he trusts you to say "no" if you dont want to. It is n.o.body's task but your own to figure out what you want, and n.o.body can or will second-guess you.

So you are going to have to learn to say "no," and to say "no" easily enough that it won't ruin your evening if you get a couple of unwelcome com eons Men as well as women have trouble with this- men are taught that they are always supposed to be up and ready for s.e.x, so if someone comes on to a man when he is not ready, or not interested, it can feel unfamiliar or unmanly to say "no."

When you say "no," do so clearly and kindly. Please do not fall into the trap of putting down people who find you attractive- they must be total idiots to have come onto you, right? Being politely asked is a compliment, not an insult. When we are embarra.s.sed because we need to say no to a polite inquiry, let's just own our own embarra.s.sment. It's not the other person's fault if she thinks you're nifty.

Women have been taught that it is unfeminine to say "no" directly. We are supposed to hint, and this doesn't work. Practice saying "no."

Say it to your mirror fifteen times: "No, thank you for the offer, but no." You are not required to produce an excuse or a reason. It would be ridiculous to claim a headache at an orgy. The simple truth is "No, thank you very much, I dont want to."

Women also need to practice saying "yes." Our cultural myth is that the man in a heteros.e.xual transaction pleads with or cons or bullies the woman into saying "yes," or at least refraining from saying "no,"

and then does whatever he thinks is appropriate. Women need to equalize here, to do more of the choosing, to know what it is that we enjoy and to be able to say what we want in no uncertain terms to whomever we find attractive. And if you are a man whose s.e.xual game plan is more about what you think you are supposed to do to be a good lover than about what you actually want, than you need to learn to say "yes" too. You can expect that this will be more difficult than it looks.

Cruising Cruising strategies depend a lot on your own gender, and the genders) of the people you're seeking.

for men Gay men have their own style of cruising, marked by a straightforward approach based on the understanding that most gay men are able to say "no thank you" without much discomfort. Thus, gay men often are able to cruise each other with greater reliance on body language and non-verbal cues than their het brothers.

Successful heteros.e.xual male cruisers, on the other hand, have evolved strategies for conveying interest without coming on too strong, remaining sensitive to verbal and nonverbal cues. Many a man has made the mistake of approaching a woman in the way he thinks he would like to be approached if he were a woman. He may or may not have ever really been approached that way, and he may not appreciate such an approach himself. If you're not sure if women find your approach too heavy-handed, imagine being approached by a large strong gay man using your exact technique, and ask yourself how that feels.

Few women like to be pushed, overwhelmed or not listened to in the arenas of s.e.x and intimacy. Most women are particularly offended by men who push too hard for private get-tog ethers or phone numbers, who insistently move the conversation back to s.e.xual topics when the woman has tried several times to change the subject, or who touch them, particularly in a s.e.xual, paternalistic or covert way, without permission. Sneaky come-ons are a pain; it works better to simply ask, and if you hear a "no," dont argue.

Dossie remembers going dancing with a group of her gay male friends. In the (mostly gay) disco, a heteros.e.xual man came on to her in a very pushy and obnoxious manner. Dossie's friends were horrified -they'd never seen a man behave like that, not even in the baths.

for women Most women are not very good at saying "yes," and not very good at saying "no we're not, and we've been practicing for a long time. We're not sure how things got to this state, where a woman is just supposed to stand there looking adorable until some big strong hunk comes and makes her decision for her, but we dont like it much.

Ask yourself: when was the last time you said "no" to s.e.x? And how did you do it? Was it with a polite, friendly but unmistakable "no thanks"? Or was it with a sort of "not tonight, I've got a headache"

or "maybe another time" or "I'll think about it" waffle? We strongly suggest you work out a "no thanks" that feels comfortable to you Catherine likes "No thanks; you seem nice, but I dont feel a strong chemistry with you." Expecting him to read your mind and somehow know that your "maybe..." means "no" is neither ethical nor s.l.u.tty.

And again: when was the last time you said "yes" to s.e.x? Simply closing your feminine little eyes and letting him work his will on you is, shall we say, subject to misinterpretation.

Many women, both gay and straight, can benefit greatly from learning to be a bit more a.s.sertive in asking for what they want, both during the meeting process and afterwards. If you're used to sipping your drink and waiting for someone to make a move on you, initiating contact yourself may seem terribly awkward, pushy- yes, even s.l.u.tty -at first.

It's also scary as h.e.l.l to risk rejection like that. It does get easier... particularly if you do get rejected a time or two and get a chance to find out that it isn't the end of the world. And, after all, we're not asking you to do anything that men haven't been doing for decades.

So here's the challenge for women: develop at least two scripts for introducing yourself to the man or woman that you find attractive.

"Hi, I'm Susan; who are you?" is just fine for starters. You need a second script to say "I find you attractive, and would you like to: go on a date, come home with me, meet my polyamorous partner..."

for couples If you're in a steady relations.h.i.+p, you and your partners) may find yourselves in the situation of cruising en ma.s.se. Couples cruising has its advantages- if you strike out, you still have someone to go home with. However, many cruisers are not used to the idea of openly non monogamous relations.h.i.+ps, and may get a little freaked out when you come on to them with "Hi, I find you very attractive, and so does my wife." You will find some, however, who actually prefer the safety and built-in boundaries of getting it on with one or both members of an established couple. And isn't that just what you were looking for!

Some couples cruise together for someone to play with in a three way while others cruise individually for partners who want to play with one or the other of them. When you cruise on your own, you will eventually have to tell your cruisee that you have a life partner at home. We can't tell you exactly where or how to slip this into the conversation, but we do suggest sooner rather than later.

Whether you cruise individually or together, you need to work out your agreements with each other beforehand. Who is interested in doing what to whom? Where? When? If one of you is looking for someone to hit the mattress with right there that night, and the other wants something permanent ("She followed me home! Can I keep her? Please?"), you may be headed for a major misunderstanding.

We think it's important that those who cruise as couples each have their own social skills. Depending on your partner to do all the work of introductions, conversation, flirtation and negotiation is bad for you and bad for your partner. It may also lead to misunderstandings, since few partners are skilled enough communicators to get across all your needs, interests and personality traits.

A pet peeve of many s.l.u.ts is the couple who treats one or more of the people involved in a disrespectful or objectifying manner. One example is the couple who uses the more conventionally attractive member as bait" Catherine remembers once, in a group s.e.x environment, being invited by a man to help stimulate his female partner. As she happily joined the group, she noticed that the man almost immediately s.h.i.+fted his focus from his girlfriend to her- ignoring the hapless girlfriend as he grabbed Catherine's b.r.e.a.s.t.s. Needless to say. Catherine excused herself immediately from this creepy-feeling scene.

It is disrespectful to treat the third party as some sort of oversized marital aid. Many bis.e.xual women we know are driven to distraction by the "hot bi babe" phenomenon- couples who seek them out, not because they're charming or hot, but because one member of the couple has a fantasy about seeing (or being part of) two women getting it on. Dossie was badly turned off at one group s.e.x environment in which she'd received a s.e.xual invitation from a woman she found attractive. While Dossie's new friend was supposed to be paying attention to Dossie, she was actually beckoning to her husband; he was poised and ready to take his wife's place when Dossie opened her eyes and discovered the subst.i.tution. Yuck.

The fundamental rule for cruising as a couple, or getting cruised by a couple, is respect for the feelings and relations.h.i.+ps of all concerned.

You dont want to cruise someone who will try to steal you or your partner for his own, and he doesn't want to be cruised by someone who will use him, withhold information from him or mistreat him. Treat everybody involved with respect, affection and intimacy, and you can reap very special rewards- anything from a warm happy fling to a long-term multi person relations.h.i.+p.

FOR EVERYONE.

The best, most successful and least obnoxious cruisers we know of all orientations are basically friendly, curious folks who like most people and are interested in talking to everyone. If some of the people they talk to turn into potential relations.h.i.+ps, so much the better.

Few people of any gender are offended by an honest compliment, an interesting conversational topic, or an appropriate self-revelation. If your cruising skills are weak, ask one or more trusted friends for a critique and practice until you get better at it, or take one of the cla.s.ses in conversation or flirting that are offered at many Learning Annex-type organizations. Remember, n.o.body is born knowing how to cruise.

A good conversationalist is usually a successful cruiser, and more often than not a skilled partner as well- because the give-and-take of good conversation, and sensitivity to nonverbal cues, are also important skills for good s.e.x and good relations.h.i.+ps.

work of introductions, conversation, flirtation and negotiation is bad for you and bad for your partner. It may also lead to misunderstandings, since few partners are skilled enough communicators to get across all your needs, interests and personality traits.

A pet peeve of many s.l.u.ts is the couple who treats one or more of the people involved in a disrespectful or objectifying manner. One example is the couple who uses the more conventionally attractive member as bait" Catherine remembers once, in a group s.e.x environment, being invited by a man to help stimulate his female partner. As she happily joined the group, she noticed that the man almost immediately s.h.i.+fted his focus from his girlfriend to her- ignoring the hapless girlfriend as he grabbed Catherine's b.r.e.a.s.t.s. Needless to say. Catherine excused herself immediately from this creepy-feeling scene.

It is disrespectful to treat the third party as some sort of oversized marital aid. Many bis.e.xual women we know are driven to distraction by the "hot bi babe" phenomenon- couples who seek them out, not because they're charming or hot, but because one member of the couple has a fantasy about seeing (or being part of) two women getting it on. Dossie was badly turned off at one group s.e.x environment in which she'd received a s.e.xual invitation from a woman she found attractive. While Dossie's new friend was supposed to be paying attention to Dossie, she was actually beckoning to her husband; he was poised and ready to take his wife's place when Dossie opened her eyes and discovered the subst.i.tution. Yuck.

The fundamental rule for cruising as a couple, or getting cruised by a couple, is respect for the feelings and relations.h.i.+ps of all concerned.

You dont want to cruise someone who will try to steal you or your partner for his own, and he doesn't want to be cruised by someone who will use him, withhold information from him or mistreat him. Treat everybody involved with respect, affection and intimacy, and you can reap very special rewards- anything from a warm happy fling to a long-term multi person relations.h.i.+p.

FOR EVERYONE.

The best, most successful and least obnoxious cruisers we know of all orientations are basically friendly, curious folks who like most people and are interested in talking to everyone. If some of the people they talk to turn into potential relations.h.i.+ps, so much the better.

Few people of any gender are offended by an honest compliment, an interesting conversational topic, or an appropriate self-revelation. If your cruising skills are weak, ask one or more trusted friends for a critique and practice until you get better at it, or take one of the cla.s.ses in conversation or flirting that are offered at many Learning Annex-type organizations. Remember, n.o.body is born knowing how to cruise.

A good conversationalist is usually a successful cruiser, and more often than not a skilled partner as well- because the give-and-take of good conversation, and sensitivity to nonverbal cues, are also important skills for good s.e.x and good relations.h.i.+ps.

CHAPTER 2. GROUP s.e.x, PUBLIC s.e.x,.

ORGIES...

Do you want to be an orgy s.l.u.t? This is a choice. No matter what you may have heard, group s.e.x is not obligatory for open relations.h.i.+ps, and we know many fine outrageous s.l.u.ts who dont attend orgies, or promote three-ways and four-ways in their homes. And we know monogamous couples who frequent public s.e.x environments for the sheer pleasure of playing with each other, in a special and s.e.xy place, complete with an appreciative audience.

If you have ever had a fantasy of being made love to by five people, or having an extra pair of hands to make love with, or lots of hot people to get impulsive with right now, or an appreciative audience that will thrill to your thras.h.i.+ng and screaming in delight... in other words, if you are attracted to the idea of s.e.x parties, this chapter is for you.

Here we will tell you what you need to know to have a good time and deal with any difficulties that might come up.

We believe that it is a fundamentally radical political act to de privatize s.e.x. So much oppression in our culture is based on shame about s.e.x: the oppression of women, of cultural minorities, oppression in the name of the (presumably as.e.xual) family, oppression of s.e.xual minorities. We are all oppressed. We have all been taught, one way or another, that our desires, our bodies, our s.e.xualities, are shameful.

What better way to defeat oppression than to get together in communities and celebrate the wonders of s.e.x?

Going to a s.e.x party presents an exciting challenge. It's an opportunity to stretch and grow as we deal with stage fright, performance anxiety, and the wonderful and scary tension of planning and getting ready for elaborated s.e.x in an intensely s.e.xual environment. We are all nervous, and the shared vulnerability adds to the arousal. We love the giddy feeling of conquest when we succeed in overcoming all these obstacles and creating a hot s.e.xual encounter.

There's not a lot of room for prudery and shame at an orgy, and when we play in a group of people, we get powerful reinforcement that s.e.x is good and beautiful, and that we are hot and s.e.xy people.

Why Public s.e.x?

We both enjoy public s.e.x, and regularly attend what we call play parties, environments in which people gather to enjoy a wide variety of kinds of s.e.x with each other. In a highly charged s.e.xual atmosphere, we feel a synergistic kind of arousal when everybody else's excitement feeds our own, and we feel connected to and turned on by all this happy s.e.x that is going on around us.

Group s.e.x offers the chance to try out new partners in a safe environment, surrounded by our friends- we even get the opportunity to check out a person we might be turned on to while they make love with someone else (an audition or advertising, depending on your point of view).

We can learn new s.e.x acts with lots of support: we can watch someone else actually doing a form of s.e.x that we had previously only seen in our fantasies, and we can ask them how they do whatever that is when they are through. We learned many of our safer s.e.x skills at orgies, where rubber barriers are de rigueur and there is plenty of support for dealing with awkward bits of latex and maintaining everybody's well-being.

Play parties can help you get over bad body image. As we have pointed out before, people enjoy s.e.x at all ages and in all kinds of bodies, and at any orgy you will see them doing it. One good way to prepare for your first adventure at an orgy is to visit a nude beach or hot spring, if you never have before, to see what real people look like without clothes, and to experience being naked in public yourself.

You'll start to see beauty in a lot of bodies that dont look anything like the ones in Playboy or Playgirl. and there's a lot of sensual delight to the feeling of warm sun and gentle breezes on all the parts of our bodies.

It is amazing to us to think, after many years of practicing s.e.x in public, that most people in our culture have never had a chance to watch another person enjoy s.e.x. No wonder we worry so much about our appearance. You will feel much better about how you look, how you perform and who you are, when you have a chance to see real people having real s.e.x. Look around you- every single person is gorgeous when they come. Which is why the orgy can be a perfect stage for the consensual exhibitionist: at the s.e.x party, we all get to be stars and s.h.i.+ne our brightest.

s.e.x clubs are very special environments. San Francisco, where we live, has a delightfully wide choice of orgiastic environments to choose from. There are party s.p.a.ces for women only, for men only, for couples, for S/M enthusiasts, lovers of drag and costumery, and parties that specialize in just about every s.e.xual practice you can think of and some that have to be seen to be believed.

Parties may be openly advertised to the public, advertised only in newsletters or at support groups, or may be run by invitation only to a private mailing list. There are public clubs, like the gay men's baths, that are open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and smaller s.p.a.ces, perhaps an adapted bas.e.m.e.nt recreation room, whose owners host parties once or twice a month. Other congenial groups sponsor small private gatherings in their living rooms.

San Francis...o...b..asts a fair number of "party houses," where one or two stories of a building have been dedicated to the social areas and play rooms for partying. Party houses may rent s.p.a.ce to private groups, who might host a party once a month or so for their particular guest list.

The first group s.e.x parties that Dossie attended were held in a communal flat in San Francisco, under the presiding genius of Betty Dodson. Those who lived there were all dedicated to feminism, gay liberation and s.e.xual liberation, and their commune was a conscious experiment to radically change the conditions in which we can enjoy s.e.x. They took out all the doors, and made the loft s.p.a.ce upstairs into one unbroken room by getting rid of the furniture. On a typical day, you could find several people on the deck sunbathing nude, some others organizing dinner, two more playing chess, a couple f.u.c.king and another person watching them while vibrating. There were larger parties three or four times a year, full of people making love in groups, in twos or singly, with lots of ma.s.sage, and tantric pract.i.tioners chanting "Ommmm" in rune with the ever-present hum of vibrators. This was a private environment, available to the friends and lovers of the six or seven people who lived there.

Public s.e.x environments, whether they're large public clubs or small party houses, have the common function of providing an agreeable s.p.a.ce in which you can act s.e.xy. Thus, most have some similarities.

Although the decor and furnis.h.i.+ngs of group s.e.x environments vary as widely as the human s.e.xual imagination, there are basics that you will find in most party s.p.a.ces. There will be a door person to check you in, and you may be asked to sign a waiver of liability. There will be a social area, with places to sit and talk and meet people, usually with a small buffet of snacks and beverages. s.e.x does not usually take place in the social area. There will be lockers or coat racks or shelves or some place to put your street clothes, and either change into party costume or simply disrobe. Some parties are mostly naked, others feature a dazzling array of clothes for every s.e.xual fantasy.

There will be provisions for cleanliness, bathrooms and showers. Then there will be the play room or rooms.

Play rooms vary from tiny cubicles, often set up as mazes, with a small bed just big enough to f.u.c.k on, to large rooms with mirrored walls and upholstered floors for puppy piles, group gropes, and other orgiastic activities. There may be hot tubs, steam rooms and gardens for you to cruise and relax in. There may be an area for dancing. There is often music with a very strong beat, to enhance your natural rhythm and to give a sense of aural privacy so you won't be distracted by the noise of others. The lights will be low, and often red or orange, so we all can look a little tan and perhaps a little s.e.xier. There may be rooms with furniture imaginatively designed to have s.e.x on, like medical examining tables or slings, mirrored beds or dungeons for S/M fantasies, or perhaps a giant waterbed for those who like to make waves.

Play party s.p.a.ces tend to form communities. People try out the various parties in their area, and usually return to one or two groups that they find congenial. As people get to know each other, and share the special intimacy of s.e.xual connection, they often become friends and form extended families. It is not unusual at all to find a s.e.x party Parties may be openly advertised to the public, advertised only in newsletters or at support groups, or may be run by invitation only to a private mailing list. There are public clubs, like the gay men's baths, that are open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and smaller s.p.a.ces, perhaps an adapted bas.e.m.e.nt recreation room, whose owners host parties once or twice a month. Other congenial groups sponsor small private gatherings in their living rooms.

San Francis...o...b..asts a fair number of "party houses," where one or two stories of a building have been dedicated to the social areas and play rooms for partying. Party houses may rent s.p.a.ce to private groups, who might host a party once a month or so for their particular guest list.

The first group s.e.x parties that Dossie attended were held in a communal flat in San Francisco, under the presiding genius of Betty Dodson. Those who lived there were all dedicated to feminism, gay liberation and s.e.xual liberation, and their commune was a conscious experiment to radically change the conditions in which we can enjoy s.e.x. They took out all the doors, and made the loft s.p.a.ce upstairs into one unbroken room by getting rid of the furniture. On a typical day, you could find several people on the deck sunbathing nude, some others organizing dinner, two more playing chess, a couple f.u.c.king and another person watching them while vibrating. There were larger parties three or four times a year, full of people making love in groups, in twos or singly, with lots of ma.s.sage, and tantric pract.i.tioners chanting "Ommmm" in tune with the ever-present hum of vibrators. This was a private environment, available to the friends and lovers of the six or seven people who lived there.

Public s.e.x environments, whether they're large public clubs or small party houses, have the common function of providing an agreeable s.p.a.ce in which you can act s.e.xy. Thus, most have some similarities.

Although the decor and furnis.h.i.+ngs of group s.e.x environments vary as widely as the human s.e.xual imagination, there are basics that you will find in most party s.p.a.ces. There will be a door person to check you in, and you may be asked to sign a waiver of liability. There will be a social area, with places to sit and talk and meet people, usually with a small buffet of snacks and beverages. s.e.x does not usually take place in the social area. There will be lockers or coat racks or shelves or some place to put your street clothes, and either change into party costume or simply disrobe. Some parties are mostly naked, others feature a dazzling array of clothes for every s.e.xual fantasy.

There will be provisions for cleanliness, bathrooms and showers. Then there will be the play room or rooms.

Play rooms vary from tiny cubicles, often set up as mazes, with a small bed just big enough to f.u.c.k on, to large rooms with mirrored walls and upholstered floors for puppy piles, group gropes, and other orgiastic activities. There may be hot tubs, steam rooms and gardens for you to cruise and relax in. There may be an area for dancing. There is often music with a very strong beat, to enhance your natural rhythm and to give a sense of aural privacy so you won't be distracted by the noise of others. The lights will be low, and often red or orange, so we all can look a little tan and perhaps a little s.e.xier. There may be rooms with furniture imaginatively designed to have s.e.x on, like medical examining tables or slings, mirrored beds or dungeons for S/M fantasies, or perhaps a giant waterbed for those who like to make waves.

Play party s.p.a.ces tend to form communities. People try out the various parties in their area, and usually return to one or two groups that they find congenial. As people get to know each other, and share the special intimacy of s.e.xual connection, they often become friends and form extended families. It is not unusual at all to find a s.e.x party club hosting a benefit for a member who has had an accident or a major illness. These are communities, and communities take care of their own.