The Ethical Slut Part 9

After doing careful research into available information about the relative risks of various s.e.xual behaviors, some people decide that some of these activities are safe enough to perform without a barrier.

Safer s.e.x workshops are available in most communities now, and the place where you get your HIV test will know where to find them. We urge thoughtfulness and conservatism in making such choices- we need all the readers we can get, so we dont want to lose you.

finger-crossing Simply hoping for the best, or denying that you're at risk, or pretending that diseases and unwanted pregnancies only happen to other people, is not an acceptable strategy. If you dont have the honesty and courage to face the genuine risks of your s.e.xual behaviors, you certainly dont have what it takes to be an ethical s.l.u.t, and we question whether you should be having s.e.x at all.

We are shocked and worried by the levels of denial we see among some s.e.xual communities, who would like to believe that because HIV hasn't yet decimated them as it has the gay male community, they must be somehow immune. New strains of HIV are constantly being discovered, and it appears that transmission patterns may vary from one strain to the next- and even if you're not at particularly high risk for current strains of HIV, you certainly are for herpes, hepat.i.tis and a host of other diseases. Get educated, friend, and take care of yourself.

testing and prevention We think it's essential for ethical s.l.u.ts to get tested for HIV and other s.e.xually transmitted diseases on a regular schedule. How frequently depends on a number of risk factors in your life. Ask your doctor, clinic or Planned Parenthood office, and follow their advice.

While most STDs are preventable only with barriers and care, recent medical developments have evolved vaccinations that protect you against several potentially deadly forms of hepat.i.tis. If you engage in non-monogamous a.n.a.l play, these are a very good idea. They are expensive, but cheaper than getting sick. Get 'em.

birth control Mother Nature is called that for a reason sometimes it seems like she wants everybody to be a parent. ("So, when are you going to give me a grandchild?") Birth control technology is, alas, far from perfect: reliable, reversible, easy, side-effect-free contraception is still a dream.

Unwanted pregnancies need no longer be the life-shattering tragedies of yesteryear, but they are still awful, and we hope that none of you ever has to have one.

If you are female, and have intercourse with men, and are not certain that you are not fertile, you must take active steps to ensure that you won't get pregnant until and unless you want to. Birth-control pills, longer-term chemical birth control like Norplant and Depo-Provera, diaphragms and cervical caps, condoms, iUDs, sponges and foam, tubal ligation, and other possibilities exist. Some women with regular menstrual cycles succeed at the rhythm method, particularly if they learn to enjoy outer course during their fertile periods. There is a lot of good information available about the risks and reliability of all these methods; your physician, clinic, or Planned Parenthood can help you make a good choice.

For men who have intercourse with women, the choices are (unfortunately) quite limited. If you know you are unlikely to want to father children in the future, a vasectomy is minor surgery that will relieve you of a great deal of worry. If you hope to be a father someday.

use those condoms- and lobby for research into better male contraception.

So what if someone gets pregnant anyway? This can be, to put it mildly, difficult. If the partners agree that an abortion is the best choice, that's pretty traumatic in and of itself; if there is disagreement, it can be shattering. Until such time as science enables men to carry fetuses in their bodies, we believe that the final decision has to be the woman's, but we bitterly sympathize with the man who would like to raise a baby and whose female partner isn't willing or able to carry it to term. We do think that both partners should share in the financial and emotional burden of an abortion or a pregnancy.

If one or both partners is interested in being a parent, and the woman is willing to carry the fetus to term, ethical s.l.u.t hood opens up a wealth of options for parenting. Please dont feel that the only way to be a parent is to get married and buy a house in the suburbs perfectly marvelous children come out of shared parenting arrangements, intentional communities, group marriages and a mult.i.tude of other ways to nurture and support a child. (More about this next chapter.) committing to healthy s.e.x You may notice that we have gone out of our way not to tell you what decisions to make about your s.e.xual behavior. That's because only you can decide what risks feel acceptable to you, and we believe that letting anybody else make that decision for you virtually guarantees that you won't follow through on your choices.

You must, however, make choices. You must choose to do your homework, and learn what you need to know about risks and rewards. You must choose to do the work of saying "no" to s.e.x that doesn't meet your own safety criteria, and of being prepared to say "yes" to s.e.x that does: discovering you're out of condoms at the wrong moment is a recipe for disaster. You must choose to approach your s.e.xual behaviors in a mature, realistic and sober manner intoxication plays a major role in a shockingly high percentage of HIV infection and unwanted pregnancy.

And you must be prepared to share your s.e.xual decision-making and history with any potential partners you encounter. If consent is at the core of ethical s.l.u.t hood -and it is- your partners must be able to give informed consent to whatever risks are involved in having s.e.x with you. You, of course, have the right to expect that same honesty from them.

You won't like talking about this stuff, especially not with a new lover. It's depressing and scary, definitely not erotic, and sometimes horrendously embarra.s.sing. Allow us to rea.s.sure you: the first time is the worst. Practice makes perfect, and after you've been over all these ugly and lethal possibilities a few times, you will become less sensitive and learn to deal with what you need to with ease and grace.

And it's well worth the investment: getting good at talking about s.e.x has other rewards, like getting exactly what you want in the way of pleasure.

We, and most of the people we know, make fairly conservative choices about what health risks we take in our s.e.xuality- and we know from experience that it is quite possible to have exciting, satisfying, fabulously s.l.u.tty s.e.x without lying awake nights worrying afterwards.

And isn't that the kind of s.e.x we all want to have?

CHAPTER 3. CHILD REARING.

If you're raising kids today, you have it a little bit easier than s.l.u.ts of yesteryear images of families in books and television aren't quite as limited to "The Bobbsey Twins" and "Ozzie and Harriet" as they were in our childhoods. Still, even though divorce and single parents are now acceptable topics, our culture is being rather slow to catch up to the other realities of our lives: media images of multi partner relations.h.i.+ps, same s.e.x relations.h.i.+ps and other nontraditional models are still pretty rare.

Yet kids take to these relations.h.i.+ps quite readily- perhaps more so than to the traditional nuclear family: children's need for tribe may be even more p.r.o.nounced than adults'. Catherine remembers having some of her first desires for group living during vacations with her then husband extended family, when she noticed that her kids, surrounded by loving adults with plenty of time on their hands, were happier, more docile and less fragmented than she'd ever seen them. Today, she lives in a group household, and though her sons are nearly grown, they have adapted quite readily to the comings and goings of a disparate group of adults- one of whom is almost always free to answer a question, troubleshoot a computer program, experiment with a recipe, or play a game.

In contrast to the dilemma of the traditional single parent who must decide how and if to bring s.e.x partners back to the home she shares with her kids, the ethical s.l.u.t may have a number of creative options for maintaining a fulfilling s.e.x life while being a responsible parent.

When Dossie was sharing a house with two other single mothers, one of her lovers used to babysit all the kids so the mothers had a chance to go out together. And one friend of ours used to babysit for her younger sister and the kids next door so that her parents could mess around with the next-door neighbors.

Still, many parents have a great deal of difficulty bridging the gap between responsible parenting and inclusive relations.h.i.+ps. Questions about what and how much to tell your kids, how to prepare them for difficult questions in the outside world, and how to help them relate to the new people who arrive and depart in their lives can be challenging for any mom or dad.

We think that the most important characteristic you can bring to bear in the lives of your children is consistency. Kids, especially younger ones, dont deal well with here-today-gone-tomorrow connections. While it's easy to a.s.sume that inclusive relations.h.i.+ps might create ma.s.sive inconsistency, our experience is just the opposite. The binary nature of monogamy-centrist thinking tends, we think, to cause problems: you're either the love of my life, or you're out of here. Both of us have found that opening our lives to other kinds of connections also opens our children's lives. For example, a former lover of Catherine's has not been s.e.xually involved with her for quite a while, but has become a sort of surrogate uncle and best friend to one of her sons and is still a loved member of her household as she writes this, he is asleep on a futon on her living room floor.

s.e.x EDUCATION FOR KIDS.

As you've surmised, we think inclusive emotional relations.h.i.+ps can be highly beneficial to family life, and that children gain in role models.

attention and support in the polyamorous extended family. Clearly, children should not be included in adult s.e.xual behavior, and there are many adults around who have been wounded by s.e.xual abuse as children who can testify to the damages. Children do, however, need enough information to make sense out of what the adults are doing, so they can grow up to their own healthy understanding of s.e.xuality.

All parents must make their own decisions about what kind of s.e.xual information their children should have at any given age. For the health and well-being of the child, a balance must be struck between offering too much information, which might seem scary or overwhelming, and too little, which might leave the child with the message that naked bodies and s.e.xual arousal are so dangerous and embarra.s.sing that it's not allowed to even talk about them. We dont want to terrify the kids, and we dont want them to come into their own adult s.e.xual lives with the belief that s.e.x is dirty and shameful.

To make matters more complicated, our culture currently is deeply divided about the entire subject of kids and s.e.x. Some people consider any form of s.e.x education to be child abuse, and many do not feel that children should have any information at all about adult s.e.xual activities. Some authorities feel that when children have "precocious"

information about s.e.x, that must mean that the child is being abused by an adult. How are we to teach our children to say "no" to an abusive adult if we are not frank about what it is that they should say no to?

what should they know?

You'll have to decide how much your kids should know about your s.e.xual choices, such as multiple partners, same-s.e.x partners or alternative family structures. Our experience is that kids figure such things out quicker than you think they do, but that they may not figure them out exactly right. It's a delicate balance between giving your children enough information to answer their questions and allay their discomfort, and giving them too much information and thus frightening them or turning them off.

One word of warning: if your kids aren't old enough to keep such information to themselves, it may be best not to share it with them.

One friend of ours, who had a lovely piercing placed in her c.l.i.toral hood as a symbol of commitment to her partner, was dismayed to find out that her very young daughter had told her school friends and teachers that "Mommy has an earring in her p.e.n.i.s." Fortunately, here in liberal San Francisco, no trouble ensued- but the ending might not have been so happy elsewhere. There are many places in this country where living in a nontraditional s.e.xual lifestyle is considered a justification for legally removing your children from your custody. Even when you are sure you are doing no harm, you still may need to protect your kids from Mrs. Grundy.

what should they see?

We think it's a good idea to model physical and verbal affection for children; that's how they learn to be affectionate adults. But you'll have to make some decisions about the appropriate dividing line between physical affection and s.e.xual demonstrative ness Do your kids get to see you hugging your partners? Kissing them?

Touching them? These are all decisions we can't make for you. You have to think them through yourself- taking into account such issues as their ages, their levels of sophistication, and their perceptions about your existing relations.h.i.+ps- and abide by your own decisions.

Nudity is a gray area. We certainly dont think kids are seriously harmed by growing up in households where casual nudity is the norm.

But a child who has never been around nude adults may be upset if nudity is suddenly introduced into his living arrangements. Kids are also very sensitive to issues like s.e.xual display: if you sense that anybody is "strutting their stuff" instead of simply being comfortably nude, that's not a good environment for kids. Certainly, if a child expresses discomfort with being around your or your friends' nudity, her desires should be respected. And we hope it goes without saying that no child should ever be required to be nude in front of others many children go through phases of extreme modesty as they struggle to cope with their changing bodies, and that, too, deserves scrupulous respect.

what should they do?

It is definitely inappropriate to allow your kids to engage in any form of s.e.xual behavior with any of your partners, or vice versa. Many children go through one or more s.e.xually explorative and/or flirtatious periods in their lives- this is natural and common. But it's very important that you and your friends maintain especially good boundaries during such periods; learning polite and friendly ways of acknowledging a child's changing needs without engaging s.e.xually is a critical skill for any ethical s.l.u.t who spends time around her own or her partners'

kids. ("Isn't that cute? You're getting to be such a big girl now!") answering their questions Kids' questions about s.e.x and relations.h.i.+ps can often be challenging -from the five-year-old's "But how does the seed get to the egg?" to the teenager's "So how come you get to f.u.c.k anyone you want but I have to be home by midnight?"

Here's where the skills you've learned in other parts of this book cam come in handy. You owe your kids honest, heartfelt responses to questions like these; this is not the time to come on all high handed and parental- Particularly with older children and teenagers, it's fine to let them know if you're feeling ambivalent or embarra.s.sed about something (they'll know anyway, believe us). If a situation makes you angry or sad, share that, too. They may need some rea.s.surance that your emotion isn't their fault, and some reinforcement that it's not their job to help you feel better.

It's also fine to test their willingness to receive information. Before you start heaping data on their heads, you can try prefacing your oral comumnication with a question like, "Do you want to know about [whoever] the toPic is" Catherine remembers a conversation with her Older son when he was about ten: she'd just done a "birds and bees"

rap. and had perhaps gotten a little carried away. At the end of her long speech, she asked him, "So, as long as we're on this topic, is there really thing else you want to know?" He replied, fervently, "Mom, you've already told me much more than I wanted to know."

Good boundaries are important here too. While your kids are certainly ent.i.tled to express an opinion about the way you choose to ^ your life, they dont get to dictate it. The flip side of this is that you owe it to them to help prevent their lives from being unduly impacted ky 3 lifestyle they never chose. Dossie willingly agreed to maintain a discreet closet about her lesbian partner when her daughter's junior higH school friends came to visit; her daughter got to "come out" to her fiends about her mom at her own pace. Well, n.o.body ever said parenthood- especially s.l.u.tty parenthood- was going to be easy.

PART IV

HAVING FUN.

CHAPTER 1. FINDING PARTNERS.

Just to prove to you that it can be done, we want to start this chapter with a true story of how a lesbian couple of our acquaintance began their relations.h.i.+p. They have lived together for two years now in a committed and polyamorous life partners.h.i.+p, and got married last August in a redwood grove. They are still very much in love, and have every intention of growing old together.

June had never been to a play party before. That's evidently what they call orgies in California, she mused. Well, at least it's a lesbian orgy. How on earth, she wondered, did I come to be the guest of honor at an orgy?

Actually, she knew how it came about. She was visiting her dear friend Flash in San Francisco, and Hash announced that she had the use of a house in the country for the weekend, and she wanted to throw a party and introduce June to her friends. Sounds like fun, thought June....

and then Flash began to talk about having a "Chick Rite" to celebrate the advent of spring by setting up mattresses and safer-s.e.x supplies in the middle of the living room.

June had argued, and at first had refused to come. But Flash talked her into it, pointing out that she didn't have to actually have s.e.x with anybody if she didn't want to. June finally said okay, adding that if she couldn't stand it she would hike down to the local coffeehouse with a book. So Flash went on setting up the house for the convenience of s.e.xual pleasures, and June hid in the kitchen making dips, one party function that she at least understood.

As the guests began to arrive, June began to question whether or not she'd be able to stay at this event. She was introduced to a parade of the most outrageous d.y.k.es she had ever seen, femmes and hutches like birds in bright plumage, sporting exotic garments designed to display a gallery of tattoos, gleaming here and there with jewelry set in body parts that June did not want to think about. And they were all so young! June felt the whole weight of her forty-eight years. She figured you can't go wrong being polite, so she said the same how-do-you dos she would anywhere else, wondering how she'd respond if one of these enthusiastic orgiasts actually told her how she did do.

In, at last, came a couple of women of unabashed middle age. One of them, Carol, was a dead ringer for June's Great-Aunt Mary- only Great-Aunt Mary would never have been seen in high butch gear complete with boots and cowboy hat. June felt relieved to have found one woman she could relate to. Then Carol smiled her most winning smile and announced that she would like to put her hand in June's c.u.n.t.

June, swallowing a gasp but ever polite, responded that she didn't really feel quite ready for that, and Carol, ever easygoing, replied "Okay, I'll check in with you later." Great G.o.ddess, thought June, there's no escape. June knew about fisting, had learned to do it with a lover who liked it, she knew it was safe when done properly, but it seemed more than a little too intimate to try with someone whose name she'd only learned in the last half hour.

Then Lottie came inclose to June's age, but not dressed like it. Lottie sported a head of obviously dyed naming red curls and a black chiffon dress through which could be clearly seen long black stockings, a black leather corset, and a voluptuosity of just plain flesh. How does she balance on those heels, wondered June, as Lottie hugged, kissed and chatted her way through the progressively less clothed ma.s.s of partygoers. June overheard Lottie thanking various women for their partic.i.p.ation in a previous orgy held in celebration of Lottie's fiftieth birthday. Do these people ever get together and not have s.e.x?

wondered June.

Puppy piles began to form on the floor in front of the couch where June was sifting- untidy heaps of women necking and petting, smiling and laughing- Lottie and Carol conspicuously among them. June decided it would be safer out on the deck, where she might be able to soak out her terrors in the hot tub.

The hot tub was quieter, and June managed to chat with a few women, and began feeling marginally more comfortable. Then Lottie reappeared. Off came the dress, the stockings, the shoes- June found herself wondering what it would be like if she could see Lottie's c.u.n.t, and instantly wondered if anyone else had noticed her looking. Lottie slipped into the warm water, and almost immediately asked June if she would rub her neck because it felt stiff. "Sure," she heard herself say, Td be happy to." Oh, no, she thought, what have I let myself in for?

Lottie's skin felt warm and silky under her fingers, and June rubbed and soothed. June felt relaxed by the rhythm of ma.s.sage, and rea.s.sured as Lottie conversed about perfectly normal things: her work and June's, their philosophies of life: June's Buddhist, Lottie's pagan.

Eventually, Lottie's neck relaxed, and the hot tub began to feel too warm, and Lottie brightly suggested they find out what was going on inside. She climbed out of the tub, pulled on her stockings and buckled her heels, and darted inside. Holy Minerva, thought June, can Ifollowher in there? No, she decided firmly, I can't. June found a table in a corner on the patio, and determinedly admired the stars.

Lottie, meanwhile, was finding she had a thing or two to think about as well. In the living room, her friends were happily disporting themselves on couches, in armchairs and in front of the fire, but Lottie was thinking about June. What is it about her that turns me on so much? Does she like me? Will she play with me? Doesn't look like she's used to playing at parties- ah, well, there's always a first time. Now where did that girl go?

Lottie scanned the living room, but there was no June to be found. The living room was actually pretty interesting, and Lottie contemplated giving up the chase and finding a friend to play with, but intrigue triumphed. She made her way toward the kitchen, stepping over various happy people and lingering here and there to appreciate some particularly exciting activity. Pausing to check out the dips and replenish her blood sugar, Lottie looked out the window and there was June, hiding out on the patio.

Ah, here's the opportunity, thought Lottie as she arranged a few goodies on a plate and trotted outside to share them with June. But, although they were chatting together quite amiably, Lottie felt she wasn't reaching June. Her most flirtatious sallies were met with no response whatsoever: June, petrified, would only breathe deep and consciously hold as still as she could. Lottie, frustrated, decided on the direct approach. "I think you're really attractive. Would you like to play with me? What sort of thing do you like to do?" June, cornered again, stammered out, "I dont think I'm ready to have s.e.x in public, so sorry."

Right then, Carol sauntered up to the table and sat down. While June wondered how she could disappear into the bushes without appearing gauche, Lottie greeted Carol by sliding her thigh- which Carol, being a woman who knew how to act, promptly stroked and admired -over onto Carol's lap. Lottie, not out of revenge but simple desire not to waste a perfectly good party, asked Carol: "How's your dance card tonight?

Got room for me?"

Carol asked what was her fancy, and Lottie put out that she had a yen for a sensitive fist, and Carol said she would be happy to oblige, just needed to check with Susie about a plan they had for later. Both happily trotted off, exchanging a quick body rub as they squeezed through the door, and June was left to herself. Was she relieved?

Well... not exactly.

Returning to the living room, Lottie was surprised to see Carol and June both sitting on the window seat backs to the sides, feet in the middle. Lottie had never been slow to leap on opportunity, so she sashayed across the room, climbed up on both pairs of feet (neatly trapping June), and proclaimed: "Here I am!" Carol being a good friend of Lottie's and well-versed in the ways of femmes called for gloves and lube and firmly pushed Lottie into June's lap. "Will you hold her for me please?" June opened her mouth, but n.o.body waited for her answer, and next thing, there she was, holding Ms. Lottie's squirming body.

Amazing, thought June, just amazing. She got a good grip on Lottie, took a deep breath, and off she went on the ride. June concentrated on keeping up a good front and trying not to notice several smiling women who had settled down to watch the action on the window seat while Carol competently went to work to turn Lottie on, lube her up and get her off. OmiG.o.d, thought June, how am I going to get through this. I'm touching this woman's breast and I hardly know her. Maybe, she thought, I can pretend this is somebody I've already made love with.

Lottie had braced her foot over Carol's shoulder against the window frame, and was energetically pus.h.i.+ng herself down on Carol's hand. She let out a big groan as the hand slipped in, and they both starting f.u.c.king hard and loud. June had all she could do to prevent Lottie from falling onto the floor. Lottie finally came- loudly, noticed June, very loudly- and June realized she hadn't breathed for a while, and took a big gasping breath. All three let their bodies go limp on the window seat and invested a few moments in just feeling good.

Reality eventually a.s.serted itself. Lottie sat up, and politely offered to f.u.c.k Carol in return. Carol said thanks but no, I promised Susie, and both of them went off in different directions. June felt like she had fallen into some other universe- who are these women, anyway? Although it was kind of fun, and I think I did it okay -but it's still too much. I think I'd better go to sleep.

A day pa.s.sed. Back at home, Lottie found she could not stop thinking about June. I know me, she told herself, and I know when I feel this way I'm just gonna go for it, so there's no point in agonizing. She called Flash and discovered that June had flown out of San Francisco that morning. Lottie, ever resourceful, got her address and sent her this letter.

Thursday, June 2 Dear June It a beautiful morning up here on my mountain, the sun is streaming through the redwood trees, the sky is very blue with little cloud puffs- yesterday walking up on the ridge I saw a huge jackrabbit. The irises are finished and it's time for morning glories, rhododendrons, and lots of tiny bright exquisite flowers to whom I have not been properly introduced. Do you live in the city? If I make your mouth water for the mountains, will you come visit me?

Who are you anyway? Write me and tell me about yourself. I am particularly interested in how, as a Buddhist, you deal with desire and pa.s.sion. I've been thinking some about this since we met, and realized that I am not a Buddhist because, although I have gotten a great deal from my connections to Zen, including learning a lot about letting go of desire, my spiritual path is about grasping desire (pa.s.sion might be a more appropriate word here) as if it were the ox, and riding it as a vehicle to communion with the Dao. I worry that this might not be an acceptable practice to you: although I am used to being various people's version of anathema, I would rather that not be the case with you.

I really like you. I really like the connection we made at Flash's, and I hope we get the chance to explore it further. So write and reveal yourself to me. What are your thoughts about s.e.x, connection, art, nature? What are your fantasies? I really want to know. I bet you dream up some great bedtime stories.

I wish you were here writing to you is making me nervous and I would like a cuddle. As I read over this letter trying to decide how far to go I realize I have probably already gone too far oh well, I always do.

Love, Lottie Eight months and approximately three thousand dollars' worth of phone bills later, not to mention a few impulsive air fares, June put all other worldly goods in her truck, Lottie flew out to meet her, and they drove across the Great Divide to a sweet little house in the country, where they lived happily ever after.

This is not a typical story of how s.l.u.ts find partners. Any s.e.xual minority member faces special challenges in partner-finding and, as a s.l.u.t or s.l.u.t wannabe, you are most a.s.suredly a member of a s.e.xual minority. If you're also gay, lesbian, transgender, or interested in a specialized area of s.e.xuality such as crossdressing or S/M, you are doubly or triply challenged.

Many of us have sad, frustrating stories to tell about near-misses: partners who are fine with an open relations.h.i.+p until they start to fall in love, at which point they freak out and demand monogamy...

partners who rhapsodize about s.e.xual openness and free love in principle, but can't handle them in reality (Catherine says these remind her of the dog who chases cars all his life, then actually catches one and can't figure out what to do with it)... even partners who are successfully polyamorous but whose needs, desires and limits simply dont fit together well enough -after all, s.e.x is not the only way we relate.

Yet many people do succeed in finding each other, for relations.h.i.+ps ranging from casual to lifetime. So, how do you find friends, lovers and potential partners who not only share your values and beliefs- but are also emotionally, intellectually and s.e.xually compatible with you?

who?

A good place to start is by getting an idea of who you're looking for.

The trick in making this decision is to be neither too specific nor too vague. If your "who" list basically includes anybody who is breathing and who is willing to have s.e.x with you, we suggest that you are perhaps broadening your field a bit too much. Even if you dont have strong preferences about gender, age, appearance, background or intelligence, you probably do want someone who will not lie to you, steal from you, hurt you or exploit you: basic sanity, honesty and respectfulness are on most of our lists. It is also perfectly fine to acknowledge those preferences that are genuinely important to you: if you prefer men to women, or people your own age to people much older or younger, n.o.body is going to report you to the Equal Opportunity Commission.

On the other hand, if your "who" list reads like a set of technical specifications- gender, age, weight, height, coloring, mode of dress, educational background, p.e.n.i.s size, s.e.xual kinks- we suspect that you may be more interested in making love to your own fantasy than you are to a real, live person. Many of us, unfortunately, are conditioned to react s.e.xually to a rather unrealistic standard of appearance and behavior: p.o.r.n queens and kings are fun to watch in the movies, but they rarely appear in our living rooms. If you expect your new honey to be gorgeous, loving and highly s.e.xual all the time, you are almost certainly setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment few people can achieve those standards, and n.o.body can maintain them twenty four hours a day.

We can't tell you the exact cutoff point at which a healthy preference becomes an unrealistic desire; only you can look inside yourself to do that. We do think that physical appearance, wealth, and social status have very little to do with the person behind them, and if any of those criteria appear high up on your "who" list, you may be a little bit stuck in your fantasy. Try getting to know some people who dont meet those criteria. We have a hunch that if you get to know them and like them, you will discover that they have their own unique beauties, just waiting there for someone to notice them.

An important note: even people who are gorgeous or rich or busty or whatever dont usually like to feel that their beauty, wallet or b.r.e.a.s.t.s are their most attractive quality. Those who partner successfully with them often consider such qualities a happy bonus that have little or nothing to do with why they chose that person in the first place.

what?