Find You In The Dark Part 15

I waited for a moment to see if Clay would text anything back, but my phone stayed silent. Okay. Well, I guess he'd just meet me there. I pulled out of the parking lot and made my way to the swimming hole. What did Clay want? A million different scenarios went through my head. I wasn't sure I was emotionally strong enough to resist him if he told me he wanted me back.

I had missed him so much. I literally craved him like I craved caffeine in the morning. But I forced myself to remember the way he had treated me the last time I saw him. I also thought about how he had effectively shut me out when I had wanted nothing more than to help him.

Rachel had said she'd never want a love like that. But did I?

I pulled into the field by the swimming hole and parked beside Clay's BMW. He was already here. Of course he was. I got out of the car and took a deep breath. Well, here goes nothing.

I stomped through the tall gra.s.s and went into the trees. After a few more minutes, I got to the river. I saw Clay sitting on a rock by the water. He looked up when I arrived and I had to stifle a gasp at his appearance.

He looked horrible. He seemed to have lost weight and his complexion was ashy. Here was a man who had been to h.e.l.l and back. I didn't know what to say. Everything I had imagined telling him slipped from my mind and I was at a loss.

"Maggie." He said quietly, getting to his feet. I didn't move toward him. I started to feel the tell tell signs of my weakening and I tried to stay firm. So I didn't go to him, even as I fantasized about throwing myself into his arms. This boy had hurt me. Badly. I had to retain some control. Some, what do you call it? Oh, yeah. Self-respect.

"Hi, Clay." I said and was proud of how cold my voice sounded. Clay winced at the chilly reception. He put his hand through his hair. It had grown out in the three weeks since I had seen him, the curls brus.h.i.+ng his collar.

"You look beautiful." He said softly, giving me a hint of the smile that I loved. I refrained from straightening my hair like a moron and instead stared cooly back at him. "And you look like s.h.i.+t." I told him harshly. Wow, that was hateful. The b.i.t.c.h was out in force!

"Direct as always." He remarked, scratching the side of his neck in nervousness. "What do you want, Clay? Cause I've got to get home soon." I stated, getting to the point. Clay sighed and started to come toward me. But then, as though he picked up on my need for physical s.p.a.ce, he stopped.

"I just needed to see you. I've missed you. So much." He told me, his eyes meeting mine. "Yeah. Well, you made your feelings on seeing me pretty obvious." I bit out. I hated the wobble in my voice and worked hard to clamp down on the tears that threatened to well up. Clay scrubbed his hands over his face in agitation. "I was an idiot. I've been a mess without you."

Then without giving me time to react, he was in front of me, a breath away from touching. He reached out to caress my cheek and I flinched backwards. Clay dropped his hand as though it were on fire. I saw the hurt flash across his face and I wanted to scream at him.

He had no right to feel hurt! He was the one that had rejected me! "Clay, you pushed me away. I tried to be there for you, but you wouldn't let me! I can't go on feeling like I don't know if I'm coming or going! Stop s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g with my head!" I couldn't stop myself from pleading.

Clay closed his eyes. When he opened them again, they were bright with unshed tears. s.h.i.+t. Clay's tears were my kryptonite! I needed to get out of there and fast or I'd never stay strong enough to resist him. "I never meant to screw with your head, Maggie! You are the only thing that has ever kept me grounded. I was a complete and total a.s.s. My parents came to town and it threw me. I started backsliding into my old destructive patterns. I was terrified of having you see me like that, so I pushed you away."

He stopped and took a deep breath. I stood perfectly still, not wanting to move away but too scared to go to him. "I was so, so wrong. I've been in the worst kind of h.e.l.l these last three weeks. I need you so much! I can't survive without you! Please, Maggie! Please tell me you'll give me another chance!" He implored, finally taking my hand and putting it to his cheek. He closed his eyes again at the touch of my skin against his. As though, that was all he needed to be okay.

G.o.d, I wish that were true.

"You destroyed me, Clay. I've been miserable without you." I admitted quietly. Clay opened his eyes and I saw the hope there. "But, Clay. I can't keep doing this. I'm so tired of worrying about you. Of going to sleep scared that you will do something to yourself. You're killing me." The words wrung out of me and I could feel my exhaustion.

Clay pulled me closer until our chests were touching and I had to look up to see him. He reached down and pushed the bangs off of my face. I melted as his fingers glided over my skin. "I will never hurt you like that. As long as we're together, I have something to fight for." He whispered.

I wanted to yell at him that he had hurt me like that a million times already. That he hadn't fought for us, or himself, despite the fact that I gave him all the love that I had. But he made me weak. I hated myself for not being able to verbalize the thoughts and doubts that swam through my head. Why couldn't I just say how I felt? Why did I allow myself to get sucked under by him time and time again?

"I love you. You are my life." He placed my hand over his heart. I could feel it beating erratically beneath my palm. "Feel that? It's yours. For now and always!" He said emphatically before wrapping his arms around me.

He leaned down and placed a soft kiss on my shoulder as we held each other. "I love you." He whispered again before burying his face into my neck. I let him hold me for awhile before I pulled away. He looked at me with confusion as I stepped back, trying to give myself some s.p.a.ce.

"Clay. I love you too..." I started but he cut me off. "And that's all that matters! We love each other! That's all we need!" He seemed so sure. But then again, he always had. But this time, I wasn't. "No, Clay. That's not all we need. You need help!" I told him.

I watched as Clay's face darkened. "Not this again. We've talked about it. You are everything! If we're together, I'm fine!" I held up my hand to stop him. "This is a lot to take in. I need time. I need to think. Please, just stop." I begged him, backing up even further. I hadn't bothered to argue with his ridiculous statement. I just needed to halt this conversation before I caved completely.

Clay came toward me again, looking broken. "Maggie, I was wrong! Please, don't leave me!" He cried, reaching for my hand again. I moved away from his grasp. "I have to go." I said and turned around to leave.

I started to run through the trees. I didn't get far before Clay's hands grabbed me from behind. I tripped as he pulled me to a stop. He crushed his chest against my back and pressed his face to my neck. "I can't lose you again! I'll do anything! Just don't walk away from me!" He pleaded. I could feel his body shaking as he gripped me. His hot tears burned my flesh as they slid down my neck. I reached down and tried to unwrap his arms from around my middle. "Then let me leave. Just give me time to think. I can't do that when we're together." I urged, not turning around to look at him. I knew that if I saw his grief stricken face I would be a goner. And I needed to decide whether a life with him was what I wanted. If a life without him was something I could stand.

Clay was quiet for a few minutes. I could feel the ragged draw of his breaths against my back, the warmth of his tears on my shoulder as he pressed against me like his life depended on it. Then without another word, he moved his arms and I felt the cold air of our separation as he moved away from me. Letting me go.

I was shaken from my time with Clay. I went home practically in tears and more confused than ever. My mind was churning and I struggled against the need to run straight back to him. I hadn't been lying when I said I needed time. But something told me that time wasn't going to solve anything.

How did I reconcile myself with the fact that I had just walked away from the love of my life? Particularly when he needed me most. What kind of person did that make me? I had acted on a desperate sort of self- preservation when I had left him standing alone in the woods. I was scared and mixed up. But I couldn't think past the fact that he loved me and wanted us to be together.

Why couldn't that be enough?

I was a complicated mixture of scared and angry. I felt like punching the wall or pulling my hair out. It was unfortunate for my mother that she happened to walk into my room in the midst of my very real freak out.

I sat at my desk, twirling my chair in circles, wis.h.i.+ng I could grow a pair of wings and leap out of my second story window. I had chewed my nails to the quick and was currently gnawing on the skin of my fingers.

I heard a light knock on my door and without waiting for permission, my mom pushed my door open with an arm load of laundry. She wore an annoyingly perky smile and was still dressed in her office clothes. She must have just gotten home from work.

She dropped the pile of clean clothes on my bed. "How was school?" She asked me. I shrugged, not looking at her. I just wanted her to leave. I still blamed she and dad for a lot of my current situation. Maybe if they had been more accepting of Clay, things would have been different. Or maybe it would snow in July. Well, whatever, I needed to blame someone and they fit the bill.

"Is that a good shrug or a bad shrug?" She asked lightly. I shrugged again. My mom was quiet and then I heard the squeak of my bed springs and suppressed a sigh. Great, she wanted to talk. I swung my desk chair back around and gave her my best stink eye. "Yes?" I asked in irritation.

My mom frowned at me. "What's with the att.i.tude? I just wanted to know how my only child is doing. Is it wrong for a mother to care about her daughter's well- being?" Okay, that was it. I was sick of their concern. Sick to death of their overprotective mama and papa bear bulls.h.i.+t.

I glared at my mother, the woman who had been my best friend and biggest support for most of my life. But in that moment I forgot all about that. Instead, all I saw when I looked at her, was my enemy.

"You know what mom? If you cared about my well- being you'd back off and let me live my life with whomever I choose to live it with." I spat at her. My mother's eyes widened in shock at my outburst.

Yes, this was not the little girl she knew. This was some crazy woman who was wearing Maggie Young's skin. My mom drew herself upright and a stern look took over her face. "Don't you dare speak to me that way. Your father and I have always done what was best for you." I cut her off with a maniacal laugh. "What's best for me? Are you kidding? You have pretty much forbidden me from seeing the only guy I'll ever love! How is that good for me?" I shrieked at her.

My mom sighed and looked at me with a less than patient look on her face. "Stop being so dramatic. I tried to like Clayton, if you'll remember. It doesn't change the fact that while you were with him you made terrible decisions and behaved reprehensibly. You started lying, sneaking around, shutting out your friends. Love doesn't make you act like that, Maggie. No matter what you choose to believe." She said with irritation.

"You don't know the first thing about Clay and me. You never will!" I yelled, grinding the heels of my hands into my eyes. I felt like I was about to bust out of my skin. I was so wound up about Clay and everything else, I just couldn't deal with my parents right now.

My mom took on a concerned expression. "What's going on, Maggie? You've always been able to tell me things. You know I'd listen." For a moment, I softened. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to go back to the time when I felt like my mother would listen to me without condemnation and judgment.

Maybe, just maybe, I could share with her everything that was going on with Clay and she'd have some advice, a suggestion or two. And I wouldn't feel so freaking alone in all this mess.

But her next statement blew my little fantasy out of the water.

"But you have to stop getting so worked up over that boy. He is nothing but trouble. Look at yourself, Maggie May. Look at who you've become. I think you need to really think about the way he has completely taken over your life. Is this thing you have with him really worth saving?" Her psychobabble made me want to gouge my eyes out. Or hers. Whichever came first.

I covered my face with my hands and screamed in frustration. "Are you serious?" I screeched. I lept to my feet. "This is total bulls.h.i.+t! n.o.body has taken over my life. Your Clay paranoia is ridiculous! Have you ever thought that maybe I'm just changing? G.o.d forbid that I'm not your perfect little girl anymore. That I have feelings that have absolutely NOTHING to do with you and dad?! My life is mine! And I'm sick of your insane need to control it!" My mom opened her mouth to say something, probably to scold me for cursing, but I kept on going.

"You are the ones driving me crazy and creating all of this drama. So please, just give it a rest." My anger dissipated and only exhaustion remained. If there was one thing this little pow-wow accomplished, was making a decision about Clay crystal f.u.c.king clear.

I wouldn't turn my back on him the way everyone else always had. He needed me and that was more important that my parents' anger and disappointment. But I couldn't argue about this with them anymore. I was done. This would not be a topic of conversation between us anymore.

My mom's mouth hung open and she was for once at a loss for words. She took a deep breath and looked at me as if I had morphed into a mutant. She stood up and looked at me as though trying to see the daughter she used to know inside me somewhere.

"I don't even know the person you've become, Maggie May. This person." She waved her hand toward me. "Is angry and bitter and way too invested in some high school romance that in no way defines the rest of your life. Wake up!. Get yourself together." My mother said coldly. I knew this was her idea of tough love, but I was having none of it.

I sagged to the floor, my legs not supporting my weight any longer. I didn't have anything else to say. I was all out of words. I couldn't convince someone that was way pa.s.sed convincing. My mom walked to the door and turned back around to look at me again. Her expression had changed to one of worry. And I could see how much she ached for my pain. But I also saw her grim resolve and how, in her mind, she truly knew what was best for me.

"Clay is not what's best for you, Maggie. I know he's not a bad kid. In fact, I can see a lot of what you love about him. But he is leading you down a very bad path, one that you may not be able to turn away from. Sometimes, love can't make everything better, and the best thing for everyone is to walk away. No matter how much it may hurt."

My heart constricted at her words. They resonated inside me and I had a hard time catching my breath. But then my anger surged forth again and I looked at her with all the rage I had been feeling. "What do you know about Clay and me?! You know NOTHING!" I spat hatefully.

My mom actually flinched at the venom I threw at her. I was being an ungrateful little b.i.t.c.h and I knew it. But my priorities in life had significantly changed and my parents and their need to keep me safe was not one of them.

Without another word, my mom left, looking heartbroken. But I was done feeling guilty about all of this. I flopped back on my bed, wanting desperately to sleep. Rest evaded me and I lay there, staring at my ceiling and wondered how my life had gotten so messed up.

Chapter Twenty-One.

I didn't go down for dinner, refusing to leave my room, even after my dad came up and offered to bring me something to eat. I wouldn't go down stairs and pretend life was honky dory when it was all a lie. So I holed up in my room, playing depressing indie rock and staring at the drawings Clay had given me over the last few months.

The words he had written burned into my brain and I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. I thought over and over again about the look on his face when I left him this afternoon. He looked like I was killing him.

Why did things have to get so out of control? I replayed things in a continuous loop in my head. The first time I met Clay. The Fall Formal. The way he held me the first time we said 'I love you.' Falling asleep in his arms at the cabin.

But then those warm memories become tainted by the dark ones. The night of Melissa's party. His breakdown on his bedroom floor. His constant anger and jealousy. Finding him cutting.

Though none of that changed what I felt deep down. I loved him with every fiber of my being. And I felt like I had failed him. He had warned me that he pushed and pushed to see if I would stick. And I hadn't. I had allowed him to shove me right out of his life without fighting.

And what Clay needed was someone to fight for him.

I waited until I knew my parents had gone to bed before I left my room to get a shower. I wanted to avoid any further confrontations. Back in my room, I changed into my favorite flannel pajamas and turned on Pink Floyd. I needed something to soothe my frazzled nerves.

I lay down on my bed and within five minutes I was asleep.

I wasn't sure exactly what woke me up. One minute I was in a dead sleep, the next I was startled awake. My room was pitch black, except for the soft glow of the street light. My music had turned off and everything was eerily silent.

My eyes adjusted to blackness and my heart stopped in my chest. Clay was sat on the end of my bed. I rubbed my eyes and looked again. I had to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. "Clay?" I whispered, still not believing he was there.

"Hi, Maggie." He said softly. I could barely see his face in the shadow. I sat up and scooted down my bed until I sat beside him. I looked at him closely and could see his eyes were bloodshot and tired.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him, careful to keep my voice low so as to not wake up my parents. Clay didn't say anything. He sat there, staring at me as though he were trying to memorize my face. Like he was scared to forget me. "What's going on? You're freaking me out." I told him with a nervous giggle.

Clay reached out and wrapped a piece of my hair around his finger and then dropped it. "I just had to see you one last time." He whispered. One last time? My stomach flipped over. "What do you mean? Are you going somewhere?" I asked him, watching as he took one of my hands in his and laced our fingers together.

Clay ignored my question and looked into my eyes again. "I love you. So much. I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through. You never deserved any of that. I just wanted you to know how much I hate myself for all of the s.h.i.+t I threw at you. You did nothing but love and support me. G.o.d, I just love you. More than anything! I told you before that you were my forever. And I will love you that long. I promise." His words sounded suspiciously like a goodbye.

I was confused and more than a little numb. Clay leaned forward and I felt his lips on mine. He tangled his hands into my hair and pulled me against him with a force that surprised me. His kiss was hungry as though he would devour me.

Our tongues slid together and Clay's hands were hot on my back. Finally, Clay pulled back and cupped my face in his palm. "I have to go." He murmured, leaning in again to kiss the corner of my mouth.

My eyes fluttered closed as he kissed my neck and shoulder. "Go? Go where?" I asked breathlessly. Clay stopped kissing me and rested his forehead at the base of my throat. "After you left me this evening, I went home." He began. I could hear the pain in his voice and I felt compelled to wrap my arms around him.

Clay took a shaky breath and continued. "They were there. They're always there. But tonight, it was too much. I just couldn't deal with their s.h.i.+t. Ruby and Lisa were there too, but that didn't matter. They started on me as soon as I got in the door. Talking about how they had gotten a call from the school about all of my unexcused absences. That I was in danger of failing three of my cla.s.ses. Then she started screaming at me that I was an embarra.s.sment and a burden." I heard the catch in Clay's throat.

I wanted to kill his parents. His mother was a heartless b.i.t.c.h. How could she tear her son down so callously? All of his problems, all of his issues, every single one of them was because of them. They were to blame and no one else.

Clay sat back and the hopelessness in his eyes frightened me. He gripped my hands as if he would fall away. "What did Lisa and Ruby do? Did they let them yell at you like that?" I asked. I felt suddenly p.i.s.sed at his aunt and her girlfriend. They continued to allow those horrible people to treat Clay like he was garbage. Why the h.e.l.l didn't they intervene?

Clay shook his head as though reading my thoughts. "Ruby tried to stop her. She really did. Lisa argued with them. Ruby threatened to call the police to have them removed from their house. Yeah, that's a joke. My mother just said she'd take me with them. That shut Ruby up pretty quickly." Clay sighed.

"Then my mom told me to pack my bags." He said, all emotion leaving his voice. I stilled. "Pack your bags? Why?" I asked. Clay looked at me with a heartbreaking sadness. "Because she has been in contact with my doctor back in Florida and they had decided I needed to be checked back into the treatment facility. They want to lock me away again. But this time it won't be for a ninety day program. Nope. This will be a long term deal. They had planned to make me leave tonight."

I thought I was going to throw up in his lap. He was leaving. For good. Suddenly, my need for time and s.p.a.ce seemed stupid. I was losing him.

"Oh my G.o.d." I said in a hushed voice. Clay held my face again and pulled me closer. He kissed my mouth again with aching tenderness. "I'm not going." He said adamantly. I blinked in confusion. "You're not? But I thought your parents had control over that stuff. I mean, what choice do you have?" I asked him.

Clay threaded his fingers through my hair. "I'm not going. I won't let them shut me away like a d.a.m.n dog. I'm leaving. Tonight." He said and I stilled. "Where will you go?" I asked, feeling the panic of our situation grip me tightly.

"I don't know. I just know that I have to get out of here. But I wanted to see you again. I needed you to know that I love you. There was no way I could take off without seeing your face and letting you know that my heart is yours. Always."

He was leaving. This was it. Everything we had was coming to an end in my bedroom. Who knew when I'd see him again? If ever.

Clay gently touched the b.u.t.terfly I still wore around my neck. "You are my b.u.t.terfly, baby." He whispered before pulling me back into his arms. I could feel his tension as he held me. I was taken over by an all consuming panic at the thought of him leaving me behind. How could I go on with my life without him? That just didn't seem possible.

So I made a spur of the moment decision.

"I'm going with you." I told him, pulling away. Clay frowned and shook his head. "No way, Maggie. You have friends and a family that love you. You can not give up your life for me. I've already taken so much from you. Don't do this! I'd never forgive myself." Clay caressed my face with his fingers. I reached up and held his hand to my face.

"I can't live here without you! I'm not giving up anything, because you are my life! You are not allowed to make this choice for me. I choose to be with you. You will always be my choice!" I said emphatically, trying to get him to see reason.

Clay shook his head again. "No! You aren't coming with me." He started to get to his feet. I jumped up after him and grabbed his arms. "If you leave me here, Clay I will never forgive you! You will only be showing me that everything you've said is a lie. You told me I was your forever! Now prove it!" I implored desperately.

Clay looked torn. I knew he wanted to do what was best for me. But I also knew how badly he needed me. "It doesn't really matter what you say, I'm coming." I said when he hadn't responded. I went to my closet and pulled out my duffel bag. Going to my drawers I grabbed handfuls of underwear and bras. s.h.i.+rts, jeans, pajamas.

When I was finished, I pulled on a pair of jeans and a heavy sweats.h.i.+rt, grabbing my fleece jacket off of the chair. After I was dressed, I turned to look at Clay. "How can I let you give up everything for me like this? It's not right!" He sounded sadly resigned. I went over and wrapped my arms around him.

I looked up into his gorgeous face and knew that my life began with him. And that it would end with him. "I am not giving up anything. I'm getting what I've wanted since I ran into you on your first day of school." Clay's mouth quirked up into a smile at the memory. "I'm getting a life with you. That's what I want. Nothing else." I a.s.sured him.

Clay hugged me tightly. "I love you." He whispered into my hair. I untangled myself from him and tugged on his arm. "We should get going." I said and Clay hesitated. "Are you going to leave a note? I mean, your parents are going to be really worried."

I felt a pang of guilt thinking about my parents finding my empty bed in the morning. It gutted me to hurt them like this. I looked at my beautiful boy and all doubts left my mind. He needed me and that was all that mattered.

"I'll call them." Clay arched his eyebrow at me. "I will. I promise." I grabbed my cell phone to make the point. Clay let out a deep breath and took my hand. "Okay, let's do this." We quietly crept out of my bedroom and made our way down the stairs.

Once we were outside the house, I stopped and looked at him questioningly. "How did you get in my room, by the way?" I asked. Clay looked at me sheepishly. "I um...well, I climbed the tree." I looked at the side of the house to the enormous Maple that grew beside my window. "But you hate heights." I said, a little in awe.

Clay shrugged as we walked down the street toward my car. "Well, let's just say it took me awhile to get up there. But it was worth it." He looked at me sideways and my heart thudded against my chest. "Yeah, totally worth it." I agreed, smiling.

I thought about sending a text to Rachel and Daniel. I felt like, maybe I should tell them what was going on. They would be furious with me. But I couldn't change things now. I was quiet as Clay drove down the darkened interstate. He said we'd drive just over the border into North Carolina and then stop somewhere to sleep.

The further we drove from home, the more ugly doubts crept into my mind. I looked down at our hands joined together and felt the electric tingle where our skin touched. No, I made the right decision. This boy was my world.