Lessons From A Dead Girl Part 12

"I didn't - I didn't know about Web."

"Know about him how?"

"I didn't know."

"Know what?"

"I walked in on him and another guy."

"You mean you didn't know he was gay?" She looks shocked.

"Yeah."

At first I think she's going to laugh, but as she sits and thinks, I see her put it all together, and instead of gloating, she squeezes me to her. "Oh, Lainey. That sucks," she says.

I rest my head on her shoulder and cry quietly. Not because I'm sad that Web and I really don't stand a chance, but because Jess is here, being a friend the way I always imagined a friend should be.

For the first time, I don't feel uncomfortable when she touches me. I just feel comforted.

When I recover, we open the orange juice and pa.s.s it back and forth. Jess tells me about the guy she hooked up with in some bathroom, and I tell her about my five minutes with Lucas.

The sliding door opens again, and Web steps out, all disheveled. We crack up.

"What?" he says, but we just get hysterical.

"Move over." He squeezes between us and takes a long swig from the juice. "Great party," he says. "Next weekend, it's at my house."

Web's first party is a blast.

It's easy to make up an excuse for staying out all night. All I have to do is tell my mom I'm staying at Jess's. Sometimes there are benefits to having your mom think you're a loner freak.

There's this picture of me, Web, and Jess on my screen saver. We're wasted, but to the average clueless mother, we simply look really, really happy. I'm sure it makes my mom ecstatic to see me in a photo with friends - and I'm even smiling.

At the party, someone from Web's school has managed to score a small a.r.s.enal of serious stuff from their parents. It's nasty-smelling, but Jess is good at finding ways to hide the smell - even the flavor - when necessary. We play drinking games to force down the first few chugs. After that, the taste gets better.

By the end of the party, people are totally out of control, getting sick in the bathroom, hooking up in any open s.p.a.ce available. I keep an eye out for Lucas, but I don't see him. Not that I want to be with him, but . . . well, maybe I do.

I keep replaying that time on the patio with him and wish it had been Leah who walked out to see us instead of Jess. I can almost remember his hand on my breast, and Leah's words from way back, when she first told me about getting felt up and I didn't know what it meant. It felt about as romantic as she described - someone rubbing my t.i.t. But it also felt pretty good.

I look around for something more to drink, even though I don't really need it. Jess and Web find me in the kitchen.

"Come on," Jess says. "Escape walk."

"What about all these people?" I ask. Web shrugs, like he doesn't understand what the big deal is, leaving a bunch of drunken strangers in his house.

It's dark and cold when we step outside. Fall is coming fast this year. Web brought a travel mug with orange juice and vodka with him. The three of us pa.s.s it back and forth as we walk to the gazebo behind his house.

We sit on the floor so we can't see the house, only the silhouettes of the trees around us. The music from inside feels far away.

After a while, we hear cars starting as people begin to leave. I swear Web's keeping track of how many, waiting until he thinks everyone has left.

When we finally go back inside, everyone's gone except for a few people pa.s.sed out on the floor and on the two couches in the living room.

Jess and I follow Web up to his room. He pulls off his sweats.h.i.+rt and pants and then draws back his blankets.

"Looks like none of us are getting lucky tonight, girls. Care to join me?"

Jess strips to her tank top and panties and crawls in. I hesitate, standing at the edge of the bed.

Web pats the empty s.p.a.ce next to him. "It's OK, Laine. You know you're not my type." He smiles the way I love, even though it still hurts. I take off my pants but keep my long-sleeve s.h.i.+rt on. Then I crawl in. Web spoons me from behind, his warm arm draped over me. He breathes steadily in my ear. It feels good, and horribly hopeless.

"'Night, guys," Jess says from the other side of the bed.

Web is already snoring softly.

"Good night," I whisper. I close my eyes, letting my hot tears slip down my jaw.

A few weeks later, Web has another, even bigger party. Web's house is the perfect place to have parties because his parents are never home. Most weekends they go to their place on the Vineyard. And in November they'll go to Florida and only come back north for Thanksgiving and Christmas reunions with Web. Other than that, they think the house is unoccupied, with their perfect son at boarding school making them proud. Ha.

I've been drinking steadily for about an hour before I find my way to the bathroom in the master bedroom. Jess and I have put an "out of order" sign on the door so people will think it's broken and we'll never have to wait in line.

When I'm done, I open the door and step into Web's parents' bedroom. Someone has turned off the lights. I don't think anything of it, but as I step into the dark, I feel a hand grab my wrist. At the same time someone whispers "Shhh" in my ear.

My heart races.

"Nice party, Lainey," she says.

"s.h.i.+t! G.o.d, Leah. You scared me."

She sucks in her breath. "Nice to see you, too."

"What are you doing here?" I ask. My heart pounds in my chest the way it does whenever I'm scared. The way it does when I'm with Leah.

"I followed you."

I don't tell her that's not what I meant. I would have thought she'd consider herself too cool for partying with people her own age.

"Sorry I scared you," she says. She walks over to a side table and clicks on a reading lamp, then sits on the bed. The low light casts a dark glow over her skin. She has on a silk tank top and definitely no bra. She pats the s.p.a.ce next to her for me to sit down.

I stay standing, still recovering from the shock of seeing her again.

"I won't bite," she says. She s.h.i.+fts on the bed. She's wearing a sheer skirt that shows the shape of her perfect thighs through it. I look down at my loose jeans.

I try to act casual when I walk over to her and sit down.

"So, how've you been, Lainey?"

"I've been fine," I say, matching her fake cheerfulness. "How about you?"

She smiles and pushes her blond hair away from her face with the back of her hand. I catch a quick glimpse of her wrist but don't see a scar. Maybe she only tried to slit one wrist. Maybe it's the other one.

"I'm fine, too," she says.

"How's Brooke?"

"Great. Never been better. She's fulfilling her dream of becoming a court stenographer."

"Yeah, your mom told me about that. That's cool." I relax a little, relieved the conversation isn't about me. Or us.

"Whatever." She starts to play with her silver thumb ring.

I wait for her to ask me how Christi is, but she doesn't.

"So, is this your thing now, Lainey? These parties every weekend?"

"Yeah, pretty much," I say.

"Hmm. Well, I'm glad you have friends," she says. I can't tell if she's being sarcastic or sincere. Her voice sounds quiet now. Sad.

I try to read her feelings, but her face seems vacant. She's wearing glittery blue-tint eye shadow with liner that makes her eyes look happy, even though it's obvious she isn't. She still looks beautiful underneath it all, but it's not the beauty she used to have. She seems empty.

When our eyes meet, she half smiles at me.

"Did you come here with friends?" I ask.

She looks away from me and pushes her hair behind her ears again. "Nah," she says quietly. "My boyfriend."

She pulls her skirt down tight against her thighs. If I didn't know better, I would think she was nervous. But Leah doesn't get nervous. Not around me.

"Where is he?" I ask.

She shrugs. "Trying to score something, most likely. What about you, Lainey? You have a boyfriend yet?" She slides closer to me. "Or do you still prefer girls?"

I'm not going to let her do this again.

I stand up and get ready to walk away, but then I turn around. "Not that it's any of your business, but I prefer guys, Leah. Guys. Sorry to disappoint you."

"Why would that disappoint me?"

"You know why."

"I have an idea," she says. She stands and walks over to me, blocking the s.p.a.ce between me and the door. "Why don't you prove it to me?" She takes my hand. "Kiss me right now and see if you feel anything. Prove to me that you only like guys."

I pull my hand away. "I don't have to prove anything. I already know."

"No, you don't," she whispers.

"Yes, I do," I say back.

I walk around her to the door and flick on the overhead light in the room. Leah squints at me in the bright light.

"Why do you always do this?" I ask.

"Do what?"

"You know what. You act all nice, and then you get weird and nasty."

"Nasty? Oh, come on. I'm only goofing on you, Laine. G.o.d, you're so sensitive." She flicks her hair over her shoulder. "Why is it so important to you to like guys, anyway? Guys are losers. There's nothing wrong with liking girls, ya know."

"I never said there was anything wrong with it. I just don't."

"Then why are you so upset?"

I want to hit her. "Because you won't drop it! After all these years, you keep hanging it over my head. You're so convinced you know me. You don't know anything."

"I know it still bothers you."

"Maybe you're the one it bothers!" I say back. "If what we did means I like girls, then what about you? Why do you have a boyfriend?"

She shrugs. "It was different for you than it was for me."

"What? How? How would you know?"

"It just was. Trust me."

I shake my head.

"Aw, Laine. You need to get it through your head that no one cares what you are. Just be happy for once in your life and stop worrying about it. I'm only trying to help you."

"How is this helping? You're the one who said we should move on, Leah. So why do you show up to torment me? I'm trying to be happy, but you keep wrecking any chance I have!"

She honestly looks hurt at that.

"You call this happy, Lainey? You look pretty lonely to me."

"I have friends now, Leah. Friends that I made on my own."

"Really? Where are they?"

I feel myself deflating. Jess and Web are my friends. I know they are.

"Where are your friends, Leah?" I shoot back. "You're so worried about my being happy. What about you?"

She smiles at me, but it looks like it hurts. I don't know why, but I feel like I'm going to cry.

"Just leave me alone from now on, OK?" I say quietly. "Just stay away from me." My voice cracks a little.

"Lainey, wait. I'm sorry, OK? I really am trying to help you."