A Hundred Thousand Words Part 12

"Whitman's." The owner is this really eccentric old dude who's obsessed with Walt Whitman.

She texts Brian as we head out of the building and into the gloomy day. I slide my beanie over my head, then my hoodie over that. Cherise is already in a jacket as we make our way down the street and to Whitman's.

"How long have you worked here?" she asks when I pull the door open for her.

"Um..." I push my hoodie down and pull the beanie off. "Since about midway through freshman year. It's just part time, but it helps. I was lucky they let me come back after the summer." There's movement out of my peripheral. "Wanna grab that table and I'll get a drink? What do you want?" It's always pretty packed in here. Even more so when they do poetry readings. I'll come down sometimes and listen to them read, or do my work here. The walls are covered with pages from books, words, and pictures of authors. It's relaxing.

"Just a small mocha is fine. I'm already too wired. Coffee makes it worse."

I chuckle because yeah, I can see that from her. It doesn't take me long to get our drinks. When I join her at the table, she asks, "Did you have a good weekend?"

Thoughts of the pier and owls and, yeah, s.e.x fill my head and I answer honestly. "Yeah, it was cool. A little unexpected, but cool."

"Why unexpected? You mean us going to Blue Velvet with you? I feel bad if we pushed our way into your night."

Well that was nice of me. I made her feel bad for trying to be friends with me. "No, no. Not that. It was cool. I'm glad you guys went. This guy I grew up with goes to Stanford Medical School. He showed up. I've known him since I was ten, but never really spent much time with him alone. He's my friend's brother, and he ended up staying, so it was just weird."

"A doctor, huh?" She winks at me but instead of eliciting the kind of reaction from me I a.s.sume she wants, it just makes me a little sad.

"It's not what he wants, though. He feels trapped. Obligated. Like he's invested so much into it he doesn't have a choice."

"Wow..." Cherise takes a drink of her coffee. Realizing I'm just letting mine sit, I do the same. "That sucks. Medicine isn't the kind of field you want to go into if your heart isn't in it."

"Well, I do know Levi respects it. His dad is a doctor. It's what he used to want, but I think...h.e.l.l, people change. Who the f.u.c.k really knows what they want when they're eighteen and heading to college? It's. .h.i.tting him now, and then he feels bad because it's such an honorable thing to do-save lives the way his dad does. I guess he feels like he should still want that."

That's the difference between Levi and myself. The one thing I really do know is what I want from my future. I want to do something I love, not waste away the way Dad does...the way Levi might. Dad never gave a s.h.i.+t what I did. That always bothered me, like it meant he didn't care, but then I think of Levi and how his father wants so much for him to follow in his footsteps, and I wonder if that might be worse.

"Anyway," I say, "I don't know why I went off like that. How are your cla.s.ses going?"

"All right. I'm struggling a little, if I'm being honest."

"I can help if you want. I mean, I'm sure you'll be fine, but if you want to talk through it, I'm around."

Cherise smiles so bright I think it has the ability to take all the greyness out of San Francisco. "That would be awesome, Toby. Thanks."

My phone vibrates against my thigh. Leaning back, I pull it out of my pocket to see Levi's number on the screen. Hey, T. How was your day?

I stare at the screen for a few moments and listen to my heart thud. Sometimes people let the little things go. They don't ask how someone's day is, or talk to them over dinner, letting silence take the place of conversation. Silence hurts sometimes. It always did at home. It's such an easy f.u.c.king thing, asking about someone's day, but looking at Levi's text, I'm beginning to wonder if maybe it isn't small at all.

"Must be the doc. You're smiling."

"I'm not smiling," I reply.

"Yes you are."

"No, I'm-what the h.e.l.l is it with people wanting to argue with me?"

She follows that line of conversation instead of finis.h.i.+ng our previous one, so I don't have to admit that I might have been smiling.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR.

The whole week is crazy busy. We have an employee out sick so I pick up some extra hours at work. Cherise takes me up on my offer and comes with me to the coffeehouse to do homework a few days. She stops by when I get off or goes in early with me. Levi and I have been texting every day. Nothing big, just talking about school and p.o.r.n and whatever else we can think of that doesn't really matter.

On Friday the first text comes earlier in the day than the ones from the rest of the week. At first I think it's going to be Chris instead of Levi, since Chris's time zone is three hours ahead, but as soon as I glance at the screen, I realize I'm wrong.

Want some company this weekend? I can come down tonight if you don't have plans.

Crazy how a couple sentences can cause a colossal storm in my head. Excitement's in there. I know that. I want to spend the weekend with Levi again. But there's confusion too, because I don't really see where this can go. If he wants to get laid, he can do that in Palo Alto as easily as he can here.

Guilt's part of the turmoil, too. Every time I'm with Levi on the down low, I feel like I'm betraying Chris, but telling Chris his brother and I are f.u.c.king doesn't make a whole lot of sense either. Why fight with my best friend because of s.e.x?

Honestly, there might be a small amount of sadness, too. I have something I've always wanted-Levi wanting to spend time with me-but I'm sure his reasons are all about the past and don't include any hope for the future.

Don't lose your s.h.i.+t, T. It's cool if you say no.

I don't want to say no to him. But why? Am I just one of those people who can't turn Levi down? One of those people like my dad who'll end up needing and depending on one person, only to have them up and disappear.

Yeah, all this is a s.h.i.+t-storm in my head. But still. A big yes teases at the tips of my fingers, wanting to be typed out.

Stop thinking. You're going to drive yourself crazy. Let me come hang out with you.

Staring at the text, I realize how well he knows me. He knows me in ways I didn't think he did. Levi can see me sitting here driving myself f.u.c.king crazy over something I don't need to lose it about.

But maybe I've already lost the battle. He can read me in ways that should make me run for cover. And I'm still going to say yes.

My fingers tap across the screen. Yeah, yeah you can come.

I just have to keep things light. If I keep my distance, everything will be fine.

We spend the weekend hanging around the apartment, doing homework (he has a s.h.i.+t-ton of work), playing games, watching movies, and having s.e.x. It's not a bad gig. I could probably get pretty used to it, but then Sunday evening rolls around and Levi grudgingly heads back to school.

The next week is spent pretty much like the last one-school, work, hanging out with Cherise and Brian, and texting Levi. Only the tone of the texting changes slightly.

It's Tuesday when he demands, Tell me about grape jelly.

Umm, it's made of grapes? I reply, but I know what he means. We made sandwiches this weekend, and I can't eat grape jelly without thinking about her.

Ur funny. Tell me. I'll tell you something about me.

What if I don't want to know anything about you? But I do, I really f.u.c.king do.

Aww. I'm crushed. Tell me.

I shove my phone in my pocket, because my break is over. When I get off work, on my walk home I read the last text he sent. Final Jeopardy music's playing in my head till you answer. Thanks for that.

It's dark and sprinkling, yet I still keep my cold hands out of my pockets and in the chilly air to text back. She loved grape jelly. It was the last thing she made me.

I don't want to remember, but I do now. I remember how I'd gotten up for school like normal that morning. How she made me a sandwich, and I left, only she didn't show up after school and she wasn't home when I got back. I was alone and scared and felt so f.u.c.king left behind. I never saw her again.

He doesn't ask who she is, knowing it's my mom. I'm sorry.

No reason to be. It happened. But I appreciate the sentiment. The urge is there, playing at my emotions, wanting me to tell him more. Wanting to say to someone that I'm so f.u.c.king p.i.s.sed at her for leaving, that I've always wondered why. That I feel like she might have stayed with Dad if it wasn't for me and then he'd be a whole lot happier. I gotta go. Home. Hitting the sack.

Wait. That one word comes back almost instantly, like he had it typed out waiting for me to tell him I'm running and just had to hit send. And then my phone rings. Answer it, don't, answer it, don't plays tug-of-war with me but then...I hit Talk.

"I had a major exam last year," he says into my ear. "All I did was study. I hardly ate or slept. The longer I studied, the more convinced I became I'd fail. Me, f.u.c.king fail. It was like that incident from high school all ever again. I'd only failed one test in my life, Tobias, and my dad fixed it for me. I know for a lot of people it's hard to understand the overwhelming fear in that, but for me, the thought of failing, of s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g up makes me crazy. My brain gets impossible to shutdown, so yeah, I was freaking out. My headaches got bad, and that wasn't the first time I'd gotten them. When I did sleep I'd wake up in a cold sweat. The day before the test I locked myself in my room, scared to leave because if I didn't leave that d.a.m.ned apartment, I couldn't take that exam. If I didn't take it, I couldn't fail. If I couldn't fail, everything would be okay."

I jump when a car speeds by blasting music. My heart's going as crazy as Levi's telling me his brain did.

"That's when I knew I had to do something. I went to the doctor-didn't use my insurance because if Dad found out there would be questions-and I came away with a prescription for anxiety meds. It's something I knew I should have done before. As soon as the episodes started months earlier, I recognized them for exactly what they were."

"I'm sorry," comes out automatically. I want to say something more, maybe something that would hopefully comfort him, but all I can think about is Levi locking himself in his room, scared to come out. It makes me wonder if he was struggling with it Christmas break when I saw him hiding out beside his house.

"Thanks, man." His reply is a whole lot better than the one I gave him when he told me he was sorry. "Thanks for telling me about your mom."

Dropping back against the building, I close my eyes. What I just told him is nothing, f.u.c.king nothing compared to what Levi revealed to me. He's so much stronger than he realizes. "What I said...it doesn't matter."

"Yeah it does. If it means something to you, it matters. People are always comparing their s.h.i.+t-'This happened to me and it's worse or better than what happened to you'. Really, you can't compare experiences. We all live different lives. Your mom making you sandwiches with grape jelly and then leaving matters to you and that's okay. You told me. I know stuff like that's hard for you, and the fact that you said it matters to me."

It gets harder and harder to breathe. My lungs are in a vise-grip getting squeezed tighter and tighter. He's going to make this hard; he's already making it so f.u.c.king hard. When Levi realizes it's okay, that he doesn't have to go to school for something he's not sure about, when he realizes he doesn't have to have all the answers, he's not going to need me.

"Now, you can get off the phone and pretend to go to bed. I just wanted to say that to you."

And then Levi hangs up on me, and I continue standing on the sidewalk, even more confused than I was before.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE.

Friday morning he again asks if he can come up, and this time my "yes" comes a whole lot faster. We don't talk about his anxiety or med school or my mom or anything else. He does his ma.s.sive amount of work and we screw and eat and play games. The next week is the same, followed by the one after.

We fall into this strange pattern. Strange because it's normal and natural and yeah, scares the s.h.i.+t out of me, because I know what we're doing is temporary. Levi's working his way through the maze in his head and once he's out of it we'll be those same two people who lived in Coburn together who had nothing in common. Two people who wouldn't have to lie to their friends and family when they spend time together.

Every once in awhile, he'll ask me random questions-things about what Chris and I used to do, or stuff about school, or how I came to love English. It's easier to talk to him about real things when I don't have to look him in the eyes. It's as though I trick myself into thinking I'm just going over memories in my own head rather than sharing them with someone else.

It's about four weeks after my birthday, four weeks of weekends with Levi and texts during the week. The sun teases us, peeking through the March clouds as I sit outside the coffeehouse with Cherise, Brian, and one of Brian's friends from his frat.

My phone's clutched tightly in my hand, the b.u.t.tons digging into my palm as my brain is sidetracked with thoughts of where in the h.e.l.l Levi is. It's the first Friday since we started hanging out that I haven't gotten the text asking me if he can come for the weekend.

"Hey, it's Toby, right?" The chatter of the people around me quiets at the new voice intruding into our conversation-or their conversation since I'm too busy staring at my phone to talk.

Using my hand, the one still holding my f.u.c.king cell, I s.h.i.+eld my eyes from the sun. It's the s.e.xy guy from Blue Velvet who wanted to take me home. "Hey, man. What's up?"

"Not much, just enjoying the suns.h.i.+ne while it lasts. How about you?" His eyes are filled with questions, the same kind he had the night we met.

"Hanging out, having coffee. Wanna sit down?" At my words, Brian pulls over a chair from the other table, but Seth shakes him off.

"No, I can't. I have somewhere I need to be. I'm around later though if you want to hang out...?" Seth lets the question hang in the air, and my skin p.r.i.c.ks with possible interest.

I should. Why not? It's not as if Levi and I are exclusive. h.e.l.l, who knows what he's got planned this weekend since he doesn't seem to be coming here. I want to play it like I don't give a f.u.c.k, but the thought is like a virus, making me uneasy and slightly sick. "I can't... I have something I gotta do."

Seth grins, showing a dimple under his mouth. "I gotchu. Just thought I'd try. See you around."

The second he's out of range, Cherise turns to me. "Interesting development. You said no because of the doctor, right?"

"He's not a doctor." Which is totally not an answer and just to be sure I don't have to give one, I take a drink of my coffee. But then as though it acts on its own accord, my mouth opens and I ask, "Plus, how do you know I'm still hanging out with him?" It's not like I share my s.e.x life with her.

"Dude," Brian's friend interrupts. I don't know the guy's name. "I only hang out with you when I'm with Brian and I know you're boning the same guy on the regular. It took me three months of doing that before I realized I had a girlfriend. Sounds to me like you have a boyfriend."

His words make me feel itchy even though there's not a d.a.m.n reason for it. I've never had a boyfriend in my life, never really wanted one and I don't have one now. They're all staring at me like they're waiting for some kind of reply. Brian's smirking, but Cherise has her "mom" face on so I know it's killing her not to ask me a million questions as though she has all the answers and can make it better. She thinks I'm sad, lonely, but I'm not.

This is all feeling way too "let's sit in a circle and discuss your feelings" for me, so I push to my feet. "I'm going to head out. I'll see you guys next week."

My answer obviously disappoints Cherise. She reaches out and squeezes my hand. I return the squeeze, but then leave them and head home. The more I walk, the more I'm thinking about Levi and how he came every f.u.c.king week to the point that I started to depend on it, only for him to suddenly bail without a word. I don't know why it surprises me. It's not like I didn't know this would happen, but it keeps eating away at me, gnawing at my bones as though they're a last meal.

It was stupid to get used to spending time with him. I'm not sure how I let myself get to this point, but it's becoming more and more clear that's what happened. The blame for that lies solely on me.

By the time I get to the apartment, the sun's gone and there's a light mist of rain wetting my skin, which yeah, totally matches my mood. I try to push the door open, but it's locked, so I have to dig my keys out of my pocket.

The strong smell of weed and a hot-boxed apartment burns my nose the second I open the door. f.u.c.king Xavier. I'm not in the mood for it today. Only it's not just him. Levi's sitting on the small couch with him, pipe in his hand. Their two bodies are so close they touch in a room full of smoke, and suddenly it's not the pot that's burning up, it's me.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX.

My body temperature shoots up. The burn of the lighter sizzling and popping on the weed scorches my insides.

"So you come without calling now?" As soon as I've asked the question, I'm thinking maybe he's not even here to see me. There's a little nugget of sense inside me that knows that isn't true, but my stupid-a.s.s ego crushes it.

Levi turns to look at me, Xavier's pipe still in his hand. "I cut out early. I knew you were still in cla.s.s, so I just came down." When I don't say anything his tone changes into one that sounds kind of hurt. "You had no problem with me being here any other weekend. I didn't know that hinged on a text in the morning."

There are a hundred reasons why walking in and seeing him getting high with Xavier is a problem for me, but I think it's jealousy that's riding me hardest. If it wasn't for me, Xavier would totally want to f.u.c.k Levi. He's made that obvious. And it's not like Levi and I are in a serious relations.h.i.+p. Why shouldn't he screw Xavier if both of them are into it?