A Hundred Thousand Words Part 13

But as I squint through the smoke and see the glaze over Levi's dark brown eyes, I realize worry might be crowding out my jealousy. Levi isn't a waste case. He's somebody. He'll always be somebody. He might not be happy there, but he was smart enough and dedicated enough to be in Stanford f.u.c.king Medical School. But now he's skipping cla.s.s to smoke weed and play video games with Xavier?

"So that's your plan? Skip school, maybe fail out so making choices about your future doesn't have to happen? Brilliant." I toss my backpack to the table.

"f.u.c.k you, Toby," Levi says in unison with Xavier's "That's my cue to bail." He grabs his pipe from Levi's hand and goes out the door.

The swirls of smoke in the room start to disappear; they part and twist away so I can see Levi more clearly through them. There's something there in his hazy eyes-disappointment and hurt.

"You can be a real a.s.shole sometimes, you know that?" He pushes to his feet and heads for the door.

Suddenly I'm not made up of anger and jealousy anymore. Not even blood and muscle and bones. My entire being transforms into desperation. I don't want him to go. Stay, stay, stay, takes over my breath and my heartbeat. It's scary and f.u.c.ked up and I want it gone, but not as much as I want to touch him. I reach over, my fingers hardly curling on the bottom of his hoodie, before he goes out the door. There's not a chance I'm letting go. I clutch that small piece of fabric between my fingers and I tug, trying to get him closer.

"f.u.c.k..." I breathe. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a d.i.c.khead." But he doesn't move, doesn't leave the doorway. "I shouldn't have brought school into it, man. I shouldn't have accused you of trying to fail out. I...I know you better than that." Especially after what he shared with me about his anxiety.

"Why did you?" he asks. "Actually a better question is why do you give a s.h.i.+t if I'm in this apartment with Xavier? Why does it matter, Tobias? What's the reason?"

He never calls me that. It's always Toby or T. That's not what makes my thoughts stumble, though. I know what he's doing, what he wants me to say. Levi wants to hear that I'm a jealous b.a.s.t.a.r.d.

Maybe his reason has to do with whatever he's going through. He feels like s.h.i.+t about himself, so he needs to hear that he's still the same Levi he always was. That people want him. That I'd probably tear the f.u.c.king world apart if Xavier touched him. Those aren't things I know how to force myself to say.

"For someone who loves words so much, you suck at using them when it really matters." There's a smile in his voice and it makes one stretch across my face. It's weak and I'm taking the easy way out that he's offering, but I'll have to take on the bigger battle another day.

Pulling on his hoodie again, I say, "It's been a s.h.i.+tty day." Because I thought he wasn't coming. "I have a crazy amount of work to do. You're welcome to hang out while I do it."

Not "Please stay". Not "I don't want you to go". I choose "You're welcome to stay". He's right about me. I suck at words.

It's official. I'm exactly who I never wanted to be, exactly what I'm angry at my dad for. I'm the guy who can't open my mouth and say any f.u.c.king thing that matters. I'm him.

For a good two hours, Levi and I work almost silently at my kitchen table. My hands start cramping I've been writing for so long. My back aches from being hunched over the table, my left arm bent around my paper and my right hand holding the pencil on it. I don't know why I always write like that, as though I have to s.h.i.+eld my words from prying eyes when, in reality, no one probably gives a s.h.i.+t what I'm doing. I guess it goes hand-in-hand with why I can't write first drafts or notes on my laptop. There's something more intimate about pen and paper and for some reason, I need that when I'm working.

Levi's been lost in his own work as well, and for the first time in a while, I glance over at him, see his head down as he studies the paper he's scrawling on.

Only it's not biology or chemistry or whatever the h.e.l.l else he has to do. He's drawing. A really f.u.c.king amazing drawing of a guy with his arm curled around a paper, his hand busily writing. My face isn't in the picture, just my arms and hands and paper. Me. He drew me, beautifully sketched lines and pencil shadings. Seeing it makes my chest feel full, almost like my lungs and ribs don't fit anymore. They're being pushed out by this feeling Levi's giving me without knowing it.

"You're an artist," sneaks past my lips.

Levi's head snaps up at my words, his cheeks a light shade of pink. He shakes his head and wrinkles his nose. "I'm not an artist. I draw sometimes, that's all."

"That's crazy good, Levi. It looks like my hands and arms."

"They are your hands and arms." He winks at me flirtatiously, but I can tell he's a little uncomfortable with the praise.

I scoot my chair closer to him and study what he's done. He's incredibly talented. Yeah doing his schoolwork probably would have been a better way to spend his time right now, but I can't help but be awed by what he created. "You're amazing."

He brushes his thumb back and forth over my arm, both our eyes watching the motion, and I wonder if, like me, he's marveling at the different tones of our skin and how beautiful they look together.

"I had a good muse."

The urge to make a sarcastic comment about his line being cheesy is there, but I can't make the words come out, because I like him thinking of me that way. "I was jealous," I tell him. "Earlier. When I walked through the door and saw you here. I don't know why. Sorry."

Levi nods, his tongue tracing his bottom lip. "I know. You're not as good at hiding as you think you are. Not from me."

He probably wants words here, words I don't have because I still don't know if this is real.

Tilting my head to the side, I look at him, lean in and cover his mouth with mine, because the physical connection between us is definitely real. And easy. My tongue explores every spot I've come to learn and love in his mouth, wanting to take him all in. He needs to shave and his scruff rubs against my face, and I legit think that kissing Levi Baxter might be the best thing in the world. "I want you," I say against his mouth. Somehow the words are easier to say with my mouth close to his and his heavy, eager breath against my skin.

"Then take me." He gets up and runs to my room as though this is a game. I'm following right behind him, willing to play and do whatever he wants.

We get to my room and we're both stripping out of our clothes. His long, lithe, fair-skinned body calls to me. I want to cover it with my own. I want to see us through his artist's eyes-the artist I didn't know was living inside him. And I want to see what he would create if he drew something that shows the two of us.

We fall to the bed, Levi on top of me. His pubic hair tickles my hand as I wrap my fist around the root of his erection and start to stroke him off.

He's working his jaw as he thrusts into my grip, holding himself over me. "Not just me," he says, practically grinding his teeth. "Do both of us together."

And so I do. Reaching over, I grab the lube and squirt some into my hand before wrapping it around both of our erections together. My hand slides up and down our rock-hard d.i.c.ks, and Levi keeps pumping, keeps thrusting into the cave of my fingers with sharp, practiced slides of his hips.

My b.a.l.l.s get tight, but I keep stroking and he keeps riding it out. "If we don't stop this real quick, I'm not going to make it inside of you."

He smiles down at me and f.u.c.k, this whole G.o.dd.a.m.ned thing would be a whole lot easier if Levi wasn't so beautiful both inside and out.

"That's okay. We can do that later." He shoves harder, snaps his hips quicker, making me squeeze tighter. And then Levi calls out, comes in two long spurts up my chest and into my belly b.u.t.ton. My o.r.g.a.s.m comes along right after his. I let loose, my s.p.u.n.k mixing with his in artwork all over my body.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN.

Levi doesn't text on Fridays the next few weeks, but I still know he's coming. It's a whole lot easier to pretend that I'm not getting attached than to think about what our weekends together mean and what might happen in the future. So I do a lot of pretending.

He's been drawing more often, which is pretty cool to see. When I watch him, I can tell he likes drawing more than he admits. It makes him feel good about himself-it's obvious in the way he concentrates and the way he holds his body when he's creating. In the pride he hides in his eyes when he finishes something.

Close to a month after he drew me at the table, we're naked in my bed, the bitter taste of him still in my mouth after having pleasured him.

"I have to go meet Cherise in a few hours. She needs my help with something from school." He s.h.i.+vers when I run my thumb over his nipple.

"Check you out, Mr. Know It All, tutoring people from cla.s.s and s.h.i.+t. You grew up, left Coburn and now you're the man. Got people begging for your help at school, me jonesing for your d.i.c.k. You used to think I was the golden boy. Look who's golden now?" Levi c.o.c.ks a brow at me and I pinch his nipple. "Ouch! You a.s.shole! That hurts." He shoves my hand away, but then grabs it and puts it right back on his chest.

"Shut up. I'm not golden anything. That's still you. You're still Mr. f.u.c.king Perfect to the world."

"Aww, so you admit I'm perfect, huh? See, I knew you liked me more than you were letting on. Now that you've finally had me, you can't get enough of my perfect a.s.s. Don't worry. I understand that I'm irresistible."

"You're a c.o.c.ky b.a.s.t.a.r.d is what you are." I try to pinch him again, but Levi's too fast. He grabs my wrist, pushes and rolls so he's on top of me. My legs are thras.h.i.+ng and I'm pulling and fighting him the whole time, but it's hard to do much damage when I'm laughing too hard to breathe.

He grabs my other wrist, holding my arms over my head. Somewhere along the line I get hard and he does too as we keep wrestling and thrusting against each other.

"Look who's on top again," Levi teases. He pulls one of my arms down and under his knee; the other hand still holds my right wrist as he tweaks my nipple the same way I did to him.

"Ouch. You don't want to be on top and you know it. That's the only reason I'm letting you stay there right now."

"Letting me, huh?" He c.o.c.ks a brow and thrusts against me, then tries to tickle my side. The sound of his phone ringing breaks through our game.

Levi looks at the table by my bed. "It's my mom."

"Don't answer."

He gets a mischievous grin. "I'm gonna answer it."

It's stupid but my pulse starts rapping a crazy beat. "I just gave you head, and we're naked in bed, where I thought we'd get off again. Don't answer a call from your mom."

"You're embarra.s.sed. She can't see through the phone. You can even jerk me off while I talk to her." He reaches over. Fighting him, I try to get to the phone before he answers it but Levi tugs it away, hardly able to get out the "h.e.l.lo" he's laughing so hard.

Yeah, it is embarra.s.sing. I'll admit that. He rolls off me and settles in beside me on the twin. I try to get up, but Levi pulls me back down.

"What are you laughing at?" Elaine asks-I'm close enough to him that I can hear her speak.

Levi's grin grows and I narrow my eyes at him when I mouth, "Don't." He won't tell her about us. He can't, but he'll definitely use the situation to make me squirm.

"Nothin', Ma. Just a funny story. I'm sorry."

Relaxing against him, I run my hand over his chest, because yeah, I like touching him, but I'm not jerking him off when he's talking on the phone.

"I have to admit, I like hearing you laugh. I haven't said anything, but I've been a little worried about you, Levi. Something was different about you when you were home at Christmas. I'm pretty sure you thought you were playing it off well, but a mom knows. Every time I talk to you I hear it. I've been waiting for you to tell me what's going on."

At some point in her speech my hand stopped moving. My heart maybe stops beating too, as I lie stiff beside Levi. His muscles are rigid as well.

Suddenly, my body gets antsy, and I try to get out of the bed again, needing s.p.a.ce. Levi wraps his arm around me, holding me to him. I know I can get away if I really want, but maybe I don't want s.p.a.ce as bad as I thought.

"I'm fine. Nothing to worry about," Levi tells her.

I try to tell him with my eyes that this is his chance to let her know about the changes in his life. It makes sense to start with Mrs. Baxter.

"You sure sound happy today," she says. "All that laughter pouring out of you. It reminded me of when you lived at home."

The world goes dark and I realize I'm closing my eyes, dropping my head, as though that will somehow shut out the sound of her voice. I don't know why I don't want to hear this conversation, but I don't.

"I am...I feel good. Better than I've felt in a long time, if I'm being honest. Better than I thought I could feel."

Each one of his words vibrates through me, echoing so I feel them in my chest. I know he's feeling good because he can pretend when he's with me, I get that, but it doesn't change the emotions swelling inside me. Emotions I want to evict the h.e.l.l out of my chest.

"I need to tell you something," he says.

With that I jerk up, heart in my throat. My body's still close to his, my chest still touching him and my leg wrapped up with his, only now I'm propped on my elbow so I can look down at him. Is he going to tell her? Is he really going to admit he doesn't want to be a doctor?

From my new position, I can't hear Elaine anymore. She must tell him to continue because he does. "I'm seeing someone, Ma...and he's a guy."

Holy. f.u.c.king. s.h.i.+t. That was not what I expected him to say.

Frantically, I shake my head. He wouldn't tell her it's me. He can't. He knows I don't want Chris to know, but he doesn't know the extent of my reasons. Over the last few weeks I've thought about talking with him about Chris, but how do I tell him that his brother basically hates him? Hates him for reasons I now know are wrong? Levi would be crushed to hear it and he's already suffering under too much weight- And wait... He said he's seeing someone? We're friends, friends who have s.e.x on a regular basis. That's all we've ever discussed. Sure Brian's friend made a comment about boyfriends but it's not something Levi and I have ever talked about.

I don't know if he's ignoring my crazy headshaking or if he agrees with me, but he says, "No, not gay. I'm bis.e.xual, though."

He's silent while I a.s.sume she's speaking.

"I didn't realize it until college. I never thought it was important enough to mention to you."

More silence from Levi. I'm holding my breath.

"No," he says finally. "I knew you wouldn't care."

My lungs burn so bad; I'm forcing myself to breathe. I knew she would be okay with it. Sometimes you just need to hear the affirmation, though.

"Thanks, Ma. I'm happy for me, too. Don't...don't say anything to Dad or Chris yet, okay?" His eyes hold me, and I wouldn't be able to look away from him even if I wanted to as he says, "I don't know what's going to happen yet, but I don't want to jinx it. I'm not sure if he's serious or not. I just know that I have fun with him. I want to be around him all the time."

My heart's beating so hard, he has to feel it in his chest. What he said is a lot to take in, a whole h.e.l.l of a lot and I don't know what to say or think or feel, so instead I just watch him, feel his intense stare.

"No, I haven't told him how much I care about him. Let's not get carried away. I just think I need to take things slow with him. He probably wouldn't believe me if I told him I care about him. He's funny that way, so I'm just going to keep trying to show him until I wear him down. I mean, if you could tell the difference in me just from a phone call, you'd think he'd be able to see it, too."

And I do. I don't know how Levi is when he's at school, but Friday evening through Sunday evening, he s.h.i.+nes with the qualities I've always admired about him. He's the guy who held the brightness of the whole f.u.c.king world inside him, sharing it with people. It killed me when I thought that light was starting to go out, and I know it'll be equally f.u.c.king devastating to me to lose it.

"What the h.e.l.l, Mom?! No, he's not using me for s.e.x!"

I have to bite my tongue not to laugh at that. I'm not even surprised those words came out of Elaine's mouth.

"I'm slightly uncomfortable that you said that. I need to go bleach my brain, Ma. I'll call you later." Levi hangs up the phone and I lay my head on his chest. He rubs a hand over my short hair, and I soak it in, savor the feel of him, because that's a whole h.e.l.l of a lot easier than speaking.

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT.

"You mad?" Levi asks after a long stretch of silence.

My thoughts roll around, wrestling each other in my head. "Mad? Nah. I can't be mad at that."

His voice drops an octave, his hold on me tighter. "Scared?"

It's then I realize maybe Levi knows me better than I thought. He sees more than most people, more than I show him. Because I am scared. "Yeah."

"Why?"

Why shouldn't I be is a better question. He's got so much going on inside his head and his heart right now-how can he sort through it all to know how he feels about me? And that's just the turmoil happening inside Levi. There's all the outside stuff to consider, too. The problems his family might have. The fact that I don't even know if I want a serious relations.h.i.+p.

I've seen what kind of fallout can happen with a serious relations.h.i.+p and I want nothing to do with it.