Oh! Susannah! Part 3

Ruby. my precious jewel, I have something very solemn to say while we are waiting to see the doctor.

Ruby. _(jumping up, excitedly)_ Pa, don't say you've brought us for the doctor to sound us.

Pearl. _(quietly, sitting still)_ He shan't sound _me!_

Plant. On the contrary, I've brought you to sound the _doctor_, _(pulls Ruby down again and sits r. of her on couch)_

Ruby. _(excitedly)_ What about?

Plant. You are aware that although we are strangers to Doctor Sheppard, he is our cousin.

Ruby. Second cousin, pa!

Pearl. On mother's side.

Ruby. Three times removed.

Plant. Well, well, let us hope he won't be so far removed in the future. I regret very deeply that we have never yet enjoyed the friends.h.i.+p of--er--_dear_ cousin Jack.

Pearl. You have frequently remarked, it was not worth while to cultivate _any_ of our poor relations.

Plant. _(hotly)_ Do you want your pocket money stopped? The fact is. Pearl. you're bringing my grey hairs----_(stroking his black locks)_

Pearl. _(quietly)_ Your what?

Plant. _(jumping up)_ I stop your pocket money for a month! Ooh!

_(puts his hand to his back)_ This lumbago is unbearable. When a man gets to my time of life----

Pearl. _(quietly)_ What time is it now?

Plant. _(hotly)_ I stop your pocket money for _three_ months!

Pearl. _(rises)_ Really, father, a solicitor should be more cautious. I meant to say the time is getting on, _(points to clock and crosses to couch--stands behind Ruby)_ and you have not yet informed us of the "very solemn" something you have to say.

Plant. I accept your explanation--without prejudice. _(stands R.

of couch)_ I say when a man gets to my time of life--the future happiness of his offspring becomes an all-engrossing theme. You are aware that when exalted personages contemplate a matrimonial alliance, they neyer look outside the family. Living as we do, in so fas.h.i.+onable a resort as Southsea, we cannot be too --er--"tony" in such important matters. Now you are both--as I know, being your father--heart-free.

_(Pearl digs Ruby hard in the ribs.)_

Ruby. _(crying out)_ Oh!

Plant. How dare you interrupt me!

Ruby. I didn't, pa, it was----

Pearl. Sneak! _(pinching her arm)_ Ruby. It was nothing!

_(Pearl sits in big armchair.)_

_(aside to Pearl)_ Little cat!

Plant. I accept your explanation, without prejudice. You have heard from that stupid b.u.t.tons what a n.o.ble character the doctor bears, and no man is a hero to his--his b.u.t.tons. The _one_ thing the doctor wants is a _wife._

Pearl. To look after his b.u.t.tons?

Plant. Silence, miss! And you, my dear Ruby, my favourite, I mean my first-born, have all the qualifications for a doctor's wife.

Ruby. A doctor's wife? _(looks at Pearl)_

Plant. It has always been the dream of my life to see you united in matrimony to _dear_ Jack.

Ruby. _Cheap_ Jack! He hasn't a penny!

Plant. Oh hasn't he?--er--_(aside)_ Nearly let it out that time, _(to her)_ I mean should he be clever enough to win my Ruby. my Ruby mine--er--this afternoon, he will be rich beyond the dreams of avarice. Alas, I have no dowry to give you, save the blessing of your dear old--your dear fond, _fond_ father, _(kisses her forehead)_ But only obey me in this, and Lady Fortune will smile on us all--smile--_smile_.

Ruby. _(bursts into tears)_ I can't smile--I won't! _(turns to Pearl)_

Pearl. _(comes to meet her--aside to her)_ Of course you won't--I'll get you out of it.

Plant. _(angrily)_ Stop that silly crying. He'll be in soon, and you look a perfect fright with your eyes all red. You've never obeyed me in your life--either of you--but I've made up my mind this time, and damme--I'll make you obey me. I swear _that dear cousin Jack shall be my son-in-law._ _(crosses C.)_

Pearl. _(going quietly to him, standing between him and Ruby)_ If such is your determination, I will sacrifice myself.

Plant. _(contemptuously)_ You!

Ruby. _(rus.h.i.+ng to Pearl)_ You shan't!

Pearl. I will--what is it after all? Marriages aren't made in heaven now-a-days.

Ruby. No, no, Pearl. you're too good. I'd rather marry him myself.

Pearl. You can't--you know you can't--you're engaged.

Ruby. Sneak! _(pinches her arm)_

_(Pearl howls.)_

Plant. _(shouts)_ Stop quarrelling! Such rivalry between sisters is most unseemly. What do I dress you alike for?

Pearl. To save expense.

Plant. No, miss, to save _jealousy_, and I'll have no Jealousy about this. Settle it amicably between you, _(aside, crosses to R.)_ Good idea! They'll go it faster without me. I'll leave 'em alone with him. _(aloud)_ Dear, dear, I've forgotten something I particularly want to show Jack. I'll step over to our apartments----

Ruby. Pa, you can't leave us alone in a bachelor's room!

Plant. Hang it, you're cousins, and you're two to one. Now, remember, _one of you two must marry Jack_--that's my last word, and you know my word, like my profession, is law!

_(Exit Plant.)_